A Heart So Fierce and Broken (The Cursebreaker Series) (31 page)

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

LIA MARA

Every candle in my chambers is still lit when Iisak alights on my windowsill. I’m sure he has a note from Grey, but I have no desire to read it. I almost wish he hadn’t appeared tonight. My thoughts flicker between desire and loyalty, and I doubt I’ll be good company. Books and papers are spread across my chaise lounge, and a half-eaten platter of sugared fruits sits by my side.

“The hour is late,” says the scraver. “I expected to find you asleep.”

I don’t look up at him. “Did you? Truly?”

He ignores my sarcasm. “Yes. Truly.”

“I’m reading about Iishellasa. Why did the magesmiths leave while the scravers remained behind?” I peer over at him. “Why were the magesmiths not bound by a treaty?”

He ignores my questions. “You seem unsettled, Princess.”

“I’m not.”

He’s quiet for a moment, and I wonder if he will accept my lie.

Because I am unsettled. I’ll probably die locked in this room. I sometimes wonder if my mother has forgotten about me. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered escaping Rhen’s castle. I certainly would have spared myself a dose of heartache.

I swallow past the thickness in my throat and look down at the papers. “About the magesmiths and the scravers. Do you know why?” I tuck an errant lock of hair behind my ear. A tear drips off my cheek to land on the documents, and I quickly swipe it away.

Iisak eases into the room, but he stops on the other side of the papers to drop to a crouch. I can feel the weight of his gaze, but I keep my eyes down.

I wait for him to pry, but he taps a finger on the papers.

“A magesmith cannot be identified by sight,” he says. “And they could cross the Frozen River by virtue of magic instead of flight.” He pauses. “Before the treaty was struck, we could all travel freely, but the people of Syhl Shallow were afraid of the scravers. The magesmiths tried to speak for us, but magic had already become something to fear—and we had no desire to visit harm on Syhl Shallow. Unfortunately, the desires of rulers are not always the desires of the people. Small skirmishes would occur when my people would arrive on your side of the river. A child died.”

I glance up. “A scraver child?”

“A human child.”

Oh. I frown.

“Your mother’s mother demanded restitution. The magesmiths assisted with negotiation. We struck an agreement. The magesmiths confined themselves to Iishellasa for a time, but the ice forests can be treacherous for humans, and they grew restless and sought somewhere new to settle. By that time, your mother had
come to power. Karis Luran did not want magic in Syhl Shallow, so they traveled through the mountain pass and eventually settled in Emberfall for a time.”

I stare at him. “Where they were destroyed.”

“Many of them. Yes.” He pauses. “You see why we do not take the treaty lightly, Princess.”

“But now Mother is willing to overlook Grey’s magic.”

“She must want access to these waterways very badly.”

“Hmm.” I look down again. I shuffle the papers back into a pile, then move to the wall to begin extinguishing candles. I did not intend to turn the discussion to Grey.

“You still seem unsettled,” Iisak says, and an ice-cold draft swirls against my face and lifts my hair.

I blow out another candle and move to the next. I wonder if Parrish would let me pass if I set my room on fire.

Before I reach the next candle, frigid wind whips through the room, scattering papers and extinguishing all the candles at once.

I scowl at Iisak and begin scooping the papers back into a pile. “I am pleased to see that Grey and Nolla Verin are getting along so well.”

“Do you think so?”

“I know what I saw.”

“Ah. Shall I tell the prince you have no interest in his latest missive, then?”

My hands go still on the pile of documents. My heart is already jumping in my chest, eager to read his words—but then I think of the smile he shared with Nolla Verin, and my heart plummets with such force that I have to press a hand to my belly. “Yes,” I whisper.

“Princess?”

“I’m not a princess.”

He takes a step toward me, and I put up a hand. “Stop. Please stop. It is not worth it, Iisak. We must end this. What will become of it? My people are at risk if this alliance does not succeed. Are we to exchange secret notes forever?”

He regards me silently, his black eyes glittering in the near darkness.

I swipe away a tear. “This is a betrayal to my sister, Iisak. A betrayal to my
mother
. A betrayal to my country. I cannot do it. I have done enough wrong. I cannot continue.”

“Wrong!” He hisses, and frost gathers on the windowpanes. “Princess, do you realize that you alone have brought this alliance to pass? If Syhl Shallow and Emberfall swear allegiance, it is because of
your
efforts to achieve peace. Grey was willing to give up his birthright to such an extent that he allowed himself to be strung up and beaten rather than acknowledge it. Yet you were able to convince him otherwise.
You
, Lia Mara. Do you realize how powerful that is?”

“Powerful! You and Grey keep insisting I have power and strength, when I have none. I am locked in this room. I am an
obstacle
.”

“You are imprisoned
because
of your power. How can you not see that?”

“I am imprisoned because my mother wants Grey to be besotted with my sister. How can
you
not see that?” He inhales to say something, but I put up my hand. “No, Iisak. I am done. I cannot continue. I will watch from my window, and I will wish them well when they leave to march on Emberfall tomorrow.”

He studies me in the shadowed darkness. “It is his final letter, Princess.”

That forces me still. I should refuse again.

Oh, I can hardly fool myself.

Lia Mara,

I should be doing all of this for the people of Emberfall. For the people of Syhl Shallow, even. I should be undertaking all of this to achieve peace and stability. I desire those things, of course, but what drives me is that
you
desire these things.

I cannot bear the thought of you locked away. Your mother wields
you
like a weapon against
me
—and it is working. I tread carefully to ensure this accord proceeds toward peace, and not toward the destruction of Emberfall.

But I would abandon it all, Lia Mara. We are to leave in the morning. I was not trained as a prince. I was trained to be a weapon at the hand of another. I can do that again, for you.

Do you long for escape? Or shall I continue along this path?

Give the order and I will obey.

Yours,

Grey

My eyes close, and I press the letter to my chest. I remember his eyes in the hallway of that inn in Blind Hollow, the low rasp of his voice when we were both exhausted, but he neglected sleep to guard my door.
Fear not. No one will touch you again.

He would give all this up to rescue me.

Because of everything I believe, I can’t ask him to.

Iisak is watching me. “Shall I tell him anything?”

Emotion grips my throat again. I straighten my robes and refuse to allow any further tears to fall. “Tell him to be a great king.”

I cannot sleep. Horrific visions haunt my thoughts. My sister going off to war, sliced in two by a guard from Emberfall. Grey riding into battle, overtaken by dozens of soldiers who drive their blades into him faster than he can heal. Shadows crawl across my wall into the early morning hours as I toss and turn, tangling my bedsheets. When a faint scratching sounds at my window and a shadow fills the frame, I am equally relieved and irritated.

“Iisak—” I begin, but the figure unfolds from the window frame. No wings. Not a scraver—a man. My heart jolts and stutters, and I suck in a breath, slipping out of bed to back away.

“Be at ease, my lady.”

Oh.
Oh.
“Grey,” I whisper. My chest tightens, and my throat swells. I press my hands together in front of my mouth.

He moves forward to stop in front of me. His long fingers brush the tears off my cheeks. “Do not cry,” he says, his voice lovely and deep.

His eyes are intent on mine, longing and uncertainty sparking there in the depths of his gaze.

Every word I said to Iisak is forgotten now that Grey is here, sharing the same air I breathe.

I glance at the window. “Iisak said he cannot bear the weight of a man. How—how did you—
how
?”

“He can bear the weight of a rope. And I can climb.”

My heart refuses to stop fluttering. “It is three stories!”

His lip quirks. “Ah … I didn’t look down.”

“But—the palace guards—”

“Please.” He gives me a look.

I stare up at him and want so many things. I want to kiss him again. I want to feel his fingers against my skin. I want to whisper secrets around a campfire. I want the world to narrow down to me and him and nothing else.

Everything I want goes against everything my country needs.

“You said you would obey my order,” I finally say.

“I cannot be a great king if I leave my allies imprisoned.”

I frown and take a step back. “You cannot rescue me. Grey—too much is at stake.”

“I feel as though we both need rescuing, Lia Mara.”

The torment in his expression mirrors what I feel. I press my fingers to my eyes. “You should leave.”

“Do you truly want me to?”

No
.

I can’t say it. I don’t need to say it. He doesn’t move.

“We are too bound by honor and duty,” he says. “It seems a cruel trick of fate to bring us together.”

“I don’t believe in fate,” I whisper.

“Hmm. Does that make any of this feel easier?”

I swallow. “No.”

“The hour is quite late,” he says. “I should not have disturbed your sleep.”

“I don’t mind.” The words are bold, and inappropriate, and all I am doing is inviting further pain and regret. I simply cannot help myself. I want to lean into him and inhale his scent.

“I would rescue you,” Grey says. “If you would allow it.”

My eyes snap open. I don’t even remember closing them. He is so close.

“Grey …”

“Everyone else seeks to manipulate me,” he says. He breathes a sigh. “There is no one here I can trust.”

That startles me out of my swooning. “I thought you were well on your way to trusting Nolla Verin.”

“Your sister seems more eager to see if she can
kill
me than anything else.”

“She could not best you.” I turn away, thinking of my coquettish sister. “Trust me, you have her attention.”

He catches my waist, pulling me still, pulling me close. His dark eyes bore into mine. “Do I have yours?”

The room is so still and quiet, and his patience seems eternal, because he holds me there until the tension slips out of my body and I nod. “Yes,” I whisper. “You do.”

He leans in, his lips brushing mine with the weight of a butterfly, and my breath catches.

“Yes?” he whispers.

“Yes.”

When he kisses me again, it’s even slower, gentle and strong all at once, his hands holding me upright. My fingers clutch at his jacket, pulling him closer, until his body is against me, warm and solid against my sleeping shift. I feel as though I’m flying—or drowning. Warmth surges through my chest and lights a fire in me.

Finally, I pull away. Too many lives are at risk, on both sides of our border. “Grey. You can’t rescue me. You can’t.”

He goes still. “I could have you down the rope in minutes. I know the pattern of the guards.”

My heart thrills a little too much at that suggestion. “No.” I draw back. “Peace with Emberfall is too important. You cannot.”

“As you say.” He seems to steel himself, his eyes shutting down the way they do when he must be violent.

I don’t like him doing that with me.
I was trained to be a weapon at the hand of another.

I pull him closer. “No, Grey. No.” I brush my fingers over his cheeks, his eyelids, then brush my lips against his face. “Do not hide from me.”

He yields to my touch, but I can feel the difference in his body now.

“You cannot rescue me,” I say again, so softly that the words feel imagined. “But perhaps … for a while … you could stay.”

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

GREY

We end up sitting beneath her window, eating leftover sugared plums and soft rolls from her dinner tray, sharing the night air and enjoying the silence. Perhaps another man would be using this time to unlace the back of her sleeping shift and cajole her into the bed, but that feels insincere. I do not like the idea of sneaking into her luxurious prison to take advantage of her. This is the first time we’ve ever been truly alone together, and it makes her seem more vulnerable somehow. More precious.

I don’t know which of us is more committed to honor and duty, but I was ready to rappel down the castle wall with her on my back, so I think it is not me.

“What are you going to do if someone comes looking for you?” she says quietly.

“My rooms are not far. Iisak is listening for trouble. Jake and Noah are sitting awake, waiting for me to return.”

“
Rooms
?” Her eyebrows go up. “Mother truly did want to make you feel welcome.”

I sigh. “She wants me to feel
something
.”

“You do not trust her.”

I look at Lia Mara in the darkness. We are speaking of her mother, so I should deny it. But there have never been untrue words between us, and I don’t want to start now. “No. I don’t. Do you?”

“I trust her to do what she believes is best for Syhl Shallow.”

I roll my eyes. “Exactly.”

“If you had not discovered your birthright, would you have stayed with Rhen, once the curse was broken?”

“Yes, of course.”

But as I say the words, I realize there is no
of course
about it. I consider those months in Rillisk, when I was just Hawk. After an endless cycle of season after season of torture at Lilith’s hand, followed by the danger and destruction of the monster Rhen would become … there was a simplicity I craved.

I look at Lia Mara. “I was seventeen when I became a guardsman. My family was so desperate—I just wanted a way to provide for them. I don’t think the king had any idea who I was.” I shrug a little. “Or perhaps he knew, and he liked knowing I was close, even if he could never acknowledge me. I have no idea. No one keeps secrets like the dead.”

Her eyes are warm with sympathy, but she waits.

“I had only just been assigned to guard the royal family when we were trapped by the curse. I was not an officer.” I pause, remembering. “Rhen and his sisters were fickle and capricious at best, but boredom brought out the worst of their temperaments. They often lacked for entertainment, and guardsmen eager to keep their assignments were easy targets.”

“You once said Rhen was never cruel.”

“He had his moments, but true malice was rare.” I glance at her. “Perhaps cruelty is something you must learn in order to rule.”

“Do you truly believe that?”

“I see the ‘loyalty’ your mother has inspired in her people, and I think it must not hurt.”

Lia Mara frowns. “I believe you can only push people down so far before they will rise up and rebel.” She pauses. “You spoke of the curse feeling like an eternity. Even if Rhen was not cruel, I think it must have been a relief to escape that duty.”

“Yes. It was.” The words are almost a relief to say. Despite everything we endured together, there was an element of relief to finding myself in charge of my own future.

I could have told Rhen what I knew. Right then, right when I learned it from Lilith. I didn’t.

We settle into silence again. The window is full of moonlight. My fight on the field with Nolla Verin feels like a lifetime ago. I want to wish for another path but wishing solves nothing. The minutes tick by, bringing us ever closer to the moment when I must leave.

Lia Mara eventually looks at me. Her fingers drift over mine. “I’m glad you came, Grey.”

I close my fingers around hers, and she pulls me toward her again. She kisses me gently, her lips drawing at mine. Her fingers tangle in the hair at the nape of my neck, and the kiss becomes anything
but
gentle.

“I should have climbed up here days ago,” I say.

“Ahh.
Fell siralla.
” She rolls her eyes and kisses me again.

“
Nah
,” I say, offering the same words she spoke on the veranda so many days ago. “
Fell bellama. Fell garrant.
”

She blinks, then laughs in surprise. “You’ve been practicing!”

“
Fell vale
,” I say. I kiss her, whispering against her lips. “Gentle man.”

She blushes hotly, then presses her face against my chest. I hold her there and breathe.

The lock at her door clicks.

Silver hell
. I all but leap through the window. The rope finds my hands by little more than a whispered prayer to fate. My feet fight to grip the wall as the rope swings wildly. My breath is a wild rush in my ears, the palace wall cold as ice in the night air.

Or maybe that’s Iisak, soaring through the air to land against a ledge fifteen feet above me. His black eyes peer down at me. “Problems, Your Highness?”

I stare daggers at him and shake my head vigorously.

My breathing needs to steady. I have no idea where the guards are in their patrolling, so I cannot remain against the palace wall too long—but I also don’t want to leave Lia Mara in danger. I will my frantic heartbeat to slow, then ease up a few feet to listen.

Karis Luran’s voice. “… are progressing nicely. You see now why I have kept you confined to your room.”

“Yes, Mother.” Lia Mara’s voice seems so small.

“I admit, I was worried he would attempt to turn his magic against us, but I have witnessed his attempts on the training fields. Perhaps his half-blood will work in our favor. He is not the threat the magesmiths once were.”

I can’t even scowl. She’s not wrong. And I don’t trust her. Why should she trust me?

My forearms strain against the rope.

“We have received word that Rhen’s forces are divided between
cities, and we have no time to waste. The Royal Houses would like to have a gathering to offer their blessings to our generals.” Karis Luran pauses. “After your display at the last fete, I would like to demonstrate to the Royal Houses that there is no conflict between you and your sister. I would like to demonstrate that Grey is devoted to this alliance, and to Nolla Verin. You will not attend. You will keep your distance.”

“Yes, Mother.”

“You will not disappoint me again.” The threat in her voice is clear. I remember Cortney saying,
The Stone Prison is not full of loyalists.

Silence.

I have to shift my weight, but I don’t want to risk it. I stare up at Iisak. He leans down a bit, until I’m not sure how he’s maintaining his balance.

My forearms are screaming. It’s surely been too long. The guards patrolling the grounds will spot me soon.

Suddenly Lia Mara’s face appears above me. Anguish fills her eyes. A tear slips free and strikes my cheek.

I pull myself up a few feet until I can brace on the window ledge.

“You must go,” she whispers.

“Lia Mara—”

“Please,” she whispers. Another tear slips free.

I reach out to brush it from her cheek. She takes a step back, out of reach.

“Go,” she whispers.

“Please. Wait.” I swallow. “We have so little time—”

She swipes tears from her face and straightens. “Please. I told you I do not matter.”

Above me, Iisak says, “Your Highness. The guards are beginning to turn back this way.”

“I can rescue you,” I say. The words come from my lips without hesitation. “This instant.”

“I don’t need rescuing.” She chokes on her breath. “Please, Grey. We knew what was at the end of this road.”

I wish for more time. There is none.

My life is full of wishes that never come true.

“This is your choice?” I say.

She straightens and wipes the tears off her face. When she speaks, her voice is unwavering and strong. “This is my choice. For my people. For yours. You said you would obey my order, and I gave it. Leave me. Be a good king.”

There is no path here. I feel as though the curse never ended. The players simply changed.

Her expression is unyielding. She gave an order, and I said I would obey.

“As you say.” I set my jaw, loop the rope around my boot, and rappel down the wall.