A Heart Renewed (17 page)

“I remember Will telling me Adam worked with horses for years, but he seems so young.  Do you know how hold he is?”

“He’s nineteen.  For as long as I can remember, he would talk on and on about horses.  Every paper he wrote in school had something to do with horses.  By the time he was thirteen, George, that’s his pa, involved him in most of the training.  Within a year or so he was the primary trainer.  He has a natural talent with them.”

“I guess that’s why Will spoke so highly of him.”

“So how did you end up here and married to my brother?” Julia asked.

Hannah sighed.  Although it was just over a year ago, it seemed like decades since she left Ohio.  “Well, I was married to a doctor back in Ohio.  When his brother robbed a bank, the town turned on us and it became necessary for us to move.  Drew, my husband, felt we should move to the Arizona Territory.  The journey was rather long, four months or more.  We reached the San Francisco Mountains in January during a terrible snow storm.  After being stranded for several days, the storm finally lifted.  Drew was on the mountain looking for firewood when he was caught up in an avalanche…”  Hannah’s voice choked on the last words.  After taking a minute to compose herself, she continued.  “He died on that mountain, only two weeks out from our new home.”

Julia’s brow wrinkled.  “I’m sorry to have brought up a painful memory.”

“Ah, well, it is part of my life.  Nothing that can change.  Even though I loved Drew dearly and I did not want him to die, I would not change what has happened.  It has all led me to here and now.  If I have learned nothing else from the pain, I have learned to trust God through it.  He has been faithful to provide for me, bringing friends to walk alongside me, and bringing me a new husband that loves me deeply.”

Julia was silent for several minutes.  She looked like she was waging an internal battle.  “Why would you trust God when he had the power to save your husband but stood by and let him die?”

Hannah knew that this question really had nothing to do with Drew and everything with Julia struggling to reconcile the pain in her own life.  She had seen the pain in Julia’s eyes, even though she tried to mask it. 
Lord, please give me wisdom and the words to say that will help start some healing in Julia.

“The Bible is very clear that, even as Christians, we will not be free from pain.  Jesus even said himself that in the world there would be trouble.  But he also told us to take heart because he has overcome the world.  Also, the Bible says that the purpose of our trials is to purify our faith.  It says that our faith is of more worth than gold. 

“So, even though I do not like the pain, I know that God is using this in my life to strengthen my faith.  It is not my place to question why God chooses one path for us versus another.  It is through these experiences that my real faith was born, where I really had to rely on God and trust that he wants the best for me—though it took me some time walking through the pain to really understand all of this.”

Julia picked at lint on her dress, before looking away.  Tears started rolling down her cheeks.  “Reuben beat me when I refused to marry who he wanted me to.”

Hannah sensed there was more—a deeper wound.  But, Julia said no more.  After waiting several minutes, she squeezed her new sister’s hand.  “You are safe now.”

Chapter 12

Julia wanted to say more, to confess all that happened.  Yet, she just met her brother’s wife a few hours ago.  How could she pour out her soul?

By mutual silence they must have agreed it was time to retire.  Both readied for bed and Hannah turned down the light.  Within minutes, Julia heard her soft breathing and wished she could fall asleep so quickly.  Instead, she lay there wide awake.  What would she tell them about why she left?  Certainly, the fact that Reuben beat her was reason enough to leave.  Should she tell Will the full awful truth?  Could she?  Did it even matter?

Hannah’s words rolled through her mind. 
Did she really mean that God let me be raped by my brother to somehow prove my faith?
  That seemed completely heartless.

But, Hannah said that her faith was worth more than gold and that it was through the pain that her faith was really born.

Rage mounted. 
I do not believe it, God!  I cannot believe you would willingly allow this to happen to me.  And for what?  To prove my faith?  I have lost all faith in you because of this.  I cannot trust you any more than I trust Reuben!

Rolling over on her side the tears began to fall again.  A part of her wanted to trust God and to rely on him to save her.  But, God had let this happen.  This should never happen to anyone, especially if God was a loving God. 

I love you still, Julia.

Where had that come from?  That was not possible.  She pushed the thought from her mind and gave into the sorrow.

When her sobs subsided, she closed her eyes to sleep.  But, she could not.  The memories from that night returned—poignant—as if she were reliving it over again.  She could not force the image of Reuben’s face from her mind.  She felt the weight of his body on hers, trapping her.

Would this nightmare never leave her?  Was it not bad enough to have lived through it once, why did she have to relive it over and over again?

How blessed it had been the last month, not having been visited by this ghost nightly.  Why had it returned suddenly?  Was it because Will looked so much like Reuben?  Was it from the discussion with Hannah or from the appearance of Bates?  Maybe it was from her anxiety over how much to explain to Will and Hannah.

The turmoil assaulted her continually until she fell into a fitful slumber.

The next morning, Julia woke early, groggy and still exhausted.  Rolling out of bed, she glanced over at Hannah, still sleeping peacefully.

She poured some water from the pitcher on the dresser into the basin before splashing it on her face.  Blotting it dry with the towel, Julia tried to force the inner pandemonium down.  Emotionally, she was drained.  She did not have the energy to deal with the questions that would come today and hoped to put them off as long as possible.  She secured her unruly curls into a loose chignon at the base of her neck.

Opening the door she stepped into the narrow hallway.  She pulled the door shut behind her, cringing at the creaking sound.  Hopefully Hannah was not a light sleeper.

She made her way downstairs into the lobby.  Looking at the clock on the wall, it was barely past six, but she needed fresh air.  Perhaps that would calm her nerves.  She nodded to the man at the front desk, before walking out the front doors.

The fragrance of pine infused her lungs as she breathed deeply.  The little town of Prescott was still fast asleep.  From the walkway in front of the Juniper House, Julia looked around.  Down one street, there was a store and several saloons.  Nearby on another street there was a large sign that said
Arizona Miner
, which she assumed was the newspaper.  Along that same street, there was a sign for the Livery and La Paz Express.  The street opposite the one with the saloons was where Lancaster’s Boardinghouse stood.  The green grass and tall pines of the town plaza acted as a barrier between the opposing businesses.  A few tents from the wagon train were scattered about the plaza.  She recognized one as Adam’s tent.

If only all men were as honorable as Adam, Julia thought.  Ironically, if that were true, she probably never would have gotten to know just how honorable he was.  Even in the midst of an unusual situation, such as sharing the tent, he acted in her best interest and in a way that made her feel safe.

Safe.  That was the feeling missing last night.  She had not felt safe again. Yet, isn’t that the reason she was here—to be safe?  To escape physical harm?  Perhaps once she was settled on the ranch, the feeling would return.

As Julia considered walking towards the plaza, Adam emerged from the tent.  Why had she not noticed before how handsome he was?  As quickly as the thought came, she chastised herself for it.  No man would want her—she had been ruined.  She would never marry.  Impatiently, she brushed at the tear sliding down her face.  Would she never stop crying?

Staying in the shadows, she watched as Adam drew water from the town well.  He poured some for a drink and then splashed the rest on his face, much as she had done moments ago.  She was glad he was going to be at the ranch.

Other people started to move about the plaza to start their day.  Julia was not sure how long she stood there before realizing it had been for quite a while.  Her foot was numb and she tapped it on the ground to get some feeling back.  She took a tentative step towards the plaza as pins and needles pricked their way up her foot.  She noticed a bench outside the back door of Lancaster’s facing the plaza and she made her way towards it.  The savory aroma of bacon frying wafted through the air as she got closer.  When she was about to take a seat on the bench, a man came rushing out the door with two empty buckets in hand.  She thought it was Betty’s son, though she could not remember his name.

“Miss Colter,” he greeted before taking the buckets to fill them from the well in the plaza.

For some reason, after all those months being referred to as Miss Larson, her own name felt foreign.  Then again, she did not feel comfortable in her own skin no matter what name she used.  Growing weary of the constant battle in her mind, she stood and knocked on the back door.  As she suspected, Betty was quick to answer.

“What brings you here so early?” Betty asked.

“I thought I might help you with breakfast this morning since I rose earlier than expected.”

“That would be wonderful, dear.  Come on in.”

Julia noticed yesterday the older woman’s frequent use of the term “dear” and thought it endearing.  She had a way about her that made you feel like you were part of her family, although no blood connection was present.  Betty was probably almost old enough to be her grandmother at least that was the impression her silver and black streaked hair gave.  Betty quickly put her to work setting out baskets of freshly baked biscuits. 

Noise began filtering in from the dining hall.  When Betty asked her to take mugs and coffee out to the waiting customers, Julia started to comply.  She froze in the doorway from the kitchen when she realized the room was full of thirty or so men.  Nervous, her hands began to shake.  She was angered at her own reaction.  Never before had she been afraid of men.  Was this another side effect from the trauma she suffered?  She willed her feet to move forward, but they remained firmly planted in the kitchen.

“It’s okay, dear, they are harmless.”

As Julia finally summoned the nerve to step over the threshold, she looked up.  Her lungs refused to fill with air as she noticed Will entering the dining hall with Hannah.  In the shadowed light he looked like Reuben’s twin, except a little bit taller.  Unexplained fear gripped her and the shaking of her hands grew so bad she dropped both the mugs and the full pot of coffee.  As the tin mugs clattered to the floor, everyone turned and looked in her direction.  Her hands grew clammy and she started to feel lightheaded.  Knowing she might swoon if she did not move, she quickly crouched to the floor to pick up the mugs.

“Here, let me help you with that,” Adam said as he reached for the now emptied coffee pot.

“Oh, dear, are you alright?” Betty asked as she stood behind Julia.

Adam handed Betty the coffee pot.  “It looks like we’ll need another batch of coffee.”

Julia stood with the last of the mugs from the floor.  Adam led her back into the kitchen and took the mugs from her still trembling hands.  After setting them on the counter, he started to usher her out the back door when Will entered the kitchen.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

She could not look at him nor answer for the lump wedged firmly in her throat.  Adam pointed to the bench outside the door and she sat.  She heard him exchange a few words with Will before he joined her on the bench.

“You look like you have seen a ghost,” Adam spoke in soothing tones.  “Tell me what has you so frightened.”

“He looks so much like… Reuben.”  Her entire body trembled and the tears flowed again.

Adam said nothing.  He simply took her in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder.  He rocked her back and forth, much like he had the first night on the trail, murmuring comforting sounds. 

When the sobs and fears subsided, Julia pulled away.  The bottom of her skirt was stained with coffee.

In the distance, Hannah retched as Will stood by her side.  Seeing him tenderly rubbing his wife’s back, holding her as she was sick—Julia felt no fear.  She saw him as the kind big brother she adored.

What would it be like to live with them?  Would she constantly see a reminder of Reuben or would she be able to see this tender side of Will?  Could she separate the one from the other?

Looking back at Adam, she saw something in his shining green eyes before he masked it.  The look was something deeper than concern.  “I find myself again in your debt, Adam Larson.”

He smiled at her, not really acknowledging the statement.  Anytime she mentioned her gratitude, he seemed to get shy.

As he stood, he asked, “Would you like to go in for some breakfast?”

The lump returned to her throat as she thought of the crowded room full of men.  He must have sensed her anxiety.

“Stay.  I will go get you something and bring it out here…  That is, if you’re warm enough?”

She nodded and Adam entered through the back door.  She glanced over to where Hannah and Will were earlier, but they were gone.  They were probably inside eating their meal.  She could hear muffled words coming from the kitchen again.  It sounded like Adam speaking with Betty.  Just a minute passed before he returned balancing two plates and mugs of coffee.  Seeing his hands were full, she stood to close the door behind him.  They both took a seat on the bench with Julia taking the offered food and drink.

Adam bowed his head, and she followed his example.  Old habits were hard to break.