A Heart Once Broken (28 page)

“I understand.” Sandra squeezed
Mamm
's hand and took a deep breath. “Okay, I will open my heart to Clyde. I'll at least
try
.” After a moment's pause, Sandra said, “You can tell Clyde if you wish.”

“You should tell him yourself,”
Mamm
said.

Sandra reached up to turn on the hot water in the sink. “I'm not going that far today,
Mamm
.”

A smile played on
Mamm
's face. “We should leave this in the Lord's hands, then. Perhaps that would be for the best.”

“
Yah
, it would be,” Sandra agreed.

Clyde would see soon enough that her attitude had changed toward him. The road still appeared rough, but she was ready to begin the journey. In the meantime she had to adjust her attitude and become used to the idea of Clyde as the man who might win her heart. That would take a long time—if indeed it could happen.

Clyde's voice interrupted Sandra's thoughts from the kitchen doorway. “Sandra, can I have a moment with you?”

“Of course,”
Mamm
said at once. “I'll be right back.” She hurried down the basement steps with a smile on her face.

“Was that necessary?” Sandra asked. “Chasing
Mamm
off?” She did not like Clyde's confidence.

Clyde ignored her comment. “Sandra, don't you think we could get to know each better? I don't think you know me very well.”

Sandra found herself answering, “
Yah,
perhaps I don't. I'm willing.”

Clyde looked surprised. “There is hope rising in my heart. Tell me I'm not mistaken, Sandra.”

“You're not mistaken.”

Clyde's face lightened. “Would you even allow me to take you home from the hymn singing sometime?”

“I didn't say that,” Sandra teased, her face turned away from him.

There was silence for a moment before Clyde chuckled. “But you will? Am I not correct?”

Sandra peeked over her shoulder at him. His face was filled with happiness. She didn't feel any love in her heart yet, but she had the hope of it. And so she nodded to Clyde.

“See you in two Sunday evenings, then,” he said, then she listened to his footsteps fading away. Sandra, despite her hesitancy, felt no remorse for her words. She was relieved in a way.
Yah
, she could wait on love.
If
it came.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

R
osemary kept her face expressionless as the nurse escorted her and
Mamm
into Dr. Katz's office. She should never have submitted herself to this long series of tests, Rosemary told herself. The expense was reason enough to have refused. There was nothing wrong with her that a few days' rest wouldn't cure. But Ezra had insisted she see a doctor when she had hurried from the table at his parents' place on Christmas Day to throw up in the bathroom.

“I'm so sorry,” Rosemary had told Ezra's
Mamm
, Rachel, who had followed her. “I'm nervous, I guess.”

“It's okay,” Rachel had assured her. “Don't feel bad about this.”

She hadn't wanted to worry Ezra or his family, but these episodes also occurred when she wasn't around Ezra. Still, there was nothing wrong with her. There couldn't be.

“You're going to see a doctor,” Ezra had ordered on the drive home. “I'll take no argument from you.”

Now a week later, the tests were taken and the money was spent.

“Please have a seat, and Dr. Katz will be with you soon,” the nurse said, before she left them.

Mamm
sat on the chair closest to the big desk and motioned for Rosemary to take the other one.
Mamm
's face was grim, which was
understandable considering the huge medical bill that
Daett
would have to pay. She was now a burden to her parents instead of a blessing. And what if Deacon Schrock had to come over some Saturday and offer the community's help with the expenses? She would shrivel up from shame and be sick for sure.

The office door opened, and
Mamm
stood to her feet as Dr. Katz entered with a folder in his hand. He glanced at Rosemary and then at
Mamm
. “Please be seated, ma'am.”

Mamm
obeyed but her expression didn't change.

Dr. Katz paged through the folder before he met Rosemary's gaze. “I see you've taken the tests I requested, Ms. Beiler. I know you thought they were unnecessary, and I would have loved it if I'd been proven wrong. But my concerns were legitimate. I'm sorry to have to tell you that.”

“Please, dear Lord, help us,”
Mamm
prayed out loud.

“What's wrong with me?” Rosemary felt the first stabs of fear reach deep inside her. This couldn't be serious. How could it? She had Ezra in her life now. His love! The Lord had given her Ezra!

“It's pancreatic cancer,” Dr. Katz said without mincing words. “This is rare for someone as young as you. And apparently the cancer has spread to the liver as well as to several other locations in your body. I wish we could have caught this sooner, but pancreatic cancer is one of the most undetectable cancers we deal with. I'm sorry again. I had hoped for better news.”

“What does this mean?”
Mamm
had risen to her feet again. “Surely there is something we can do.”

Dr. Katz cleared his throat. “I don't want to give false hope. We can do aggressive chemo. There are also some experimental treatments. But in either case, there are no guarantees.”

Mamm
's voice was a whisper. “But Rosemary is so young, and
she has only begun…” She clasped and unclasped her hands. “I don't understand how this can be. Why would the Lord allow such a thing?”

Dr. Katz's gaze was full of compassion. “I'm a medical doctor, Mrs. Beiler. But I'm sure there are answers, if not on this side then on the other side. And you are a people of great faith. Faith is a great asset with cancer patients.”

Mamm
appeared dazed. “Then there is nothing we can do? Nothing! And so suddenly? Why was there not more warning?”

“Please sit down,” Dr. Katz told
Mamm
again. “The problem is that many of the symptoms—abdominal pain, weight loss, and digestive problems—are easily explained or ignored. And the weight loss is often welcomed in young patients. This cancer hides well, Mrs. Beiler. I'm sorry.”

Rosemary focused on the wall above Dr. Katz's head. She had thought her symptoms had been caused by Ezra's affections. And
yah
, she had foolishly rejoiced over the pounds she'd shed these past few months. She was sure it had added to her attractiveness.

“How much will these experimental treatments cost?”
Mamm
asked.

Rosemary forced herself to speak. “There will be no treatments. We will trust in the Lord.”

Mamm
brushed her words aside. “I will not hear of that, Rosemary. We will speak with
Daett
and do what is possible.”

Dr. Katz nodded. “They are expensive, I understand. I don't get involved on that end, but I do understand that you have no insurance.”

Rosemary faced Dr. Katz. “How long do I have?”

“Without the treatments?” His face was sober. “Not long, I'm afraid.”

“And with the treatments?” Rosemary kept her voice steady.

Dr. Katz waited a second. “Not much longer, unless one of them works.”

Silence gripped the room. Rosemary stood to go, and pulled on
Mamm
's arm. “Come. We're taking up his time.”

“You don't have to hurry,” Dr. Katz assured her.

Rosemary repeated, “Come,
Mamm
.” Only then did she address Dr. Katz. “Thank you for everything you've done. You've been more than kind.”

“I'm here to help.” Dr. Katz was on his feet. “Let me know what you decide, and we will go from there.”

Mamm
trembled once she was on her feet. Rosemary held
Mamm
's arm on the long walk back to the waiting room and out to the buggy. Rosemary helped
Mamm
inside before she untied Buster and gave
Mamm
the reins. Only then did she climb up herself and settle into the seat. She felt just fine, except for this bone-deep weariness. How could what the doctor had said be true? That she had cancer. That there was no cure. That she would die.

Rosemary gazed into the clear winter sky where a few wisps of clouds were hanging on the horizon. Soon the sun would set and they would be home. And soon, the sun of life would set on Rosemary's time on earth. She bit back the tears. This wasn't possible. There must be some mistake. She was terribly in love with Ezra, and she had accomplished the impossible when she gained his attentions. This was not the Lord's will. How could it be?

Mamm
said nothing as she drove Buster out of the Canton Hospital parking lot and turned toward home.

“I'm so sorry about this, Rosemary,”
Mamm
finally said, somewhere near the outskirts of town.

“It's not your fault,” Rosemary said. “I'm the one who got cancer.”

“And how are you to blame for this?”
Mamm
sat up straight. “Let's not go down the blame road. This is in the Lord's hands whether the treatment works or not.”

“There will be no treatment,” Rosemary repeated.

Mamm
didn't argue, but this would not be the end of the matter. Rosemary was sure of that. Once they told
Daett
, he would have an opinion.
Daett
always did, and what
Daett
decided carried the day. She would have to submit, but she would still insist. She didn't want to leave this world with the knowledge that a huge debt was left behind that others would have to pay.

The miles on Route 68 rolled by in silence before they turned south on Old State Road, other than for an occasional sob from
Mamm. Why am I not crying?
Rosemary wondered. Perhaps because the reality of the verdict had not set in, or because hope died slowly. How could she give up Ezra and their future together? She couldn't. Dying was not an option, regardless of what Dr. Katz claimed was wrong with her.

Rosemary stilled her thoughts as
Mamm
turned into their home's driveway.
Daett
came out of the barn to wait. His lengthy beard flowed down over the front of his shirt, and for the first time the tears came. Rosemary pressed them back, but a sob still caught in her throat as
Mamm
brought the buggy to a stop.

Daett
came up to hold Buster's bridle while they climbed down. “What did the doctor say?” he asked.

Mamm
wailed and rushed over to throw herself in his arms. “Oh,
Daett
, pray for us. The storm has come into our home. Our eldest is at death's door.”

Daett
appeared puzzled. “How can this be? You look well, Rosemary.”

Rosemary didn't answer. That was her feeling exactly. But if she
was honest, her body spoke of other things. Only Ezra had made her pay attention. That was the cruel twist in all this. Ezra! The man she loved with all her heart.

“The doctor claims it's highly advanced,”
Mamm
continued. “Pancreatic cancer is among the slyest ones, he says. And it crept up while we were busy with other things. Only chemo and experimental treatments are available, and they are very expensive. Oh
Daett
, this cannot be.”

“Incurable,”
Daett
muttered. He unhitched Buster and led the horse toward the barn without a backward glance.

“Come.”
Mamm
took Rosemary's arm. “You come inside and rest.”

Rosemary resisted. “I must tell Ezra.”

Mamm
shook her head. “Ezra will be here. He knows about your tests today, and in times like this…well, Ezra will know he's needed.”