A Heart Once Broken (14 page)

Sandra was the one who couldn't change. She pushed the thought out of her mind. Today could be the last chance to reach Ezra. She had to make the most of it.

Sandra turned away from the window and lit the kerosene lamp. By its flickering light she changed into an everyday dress. There was breakfast to prepare. Only after the table had been cleaned and the dishes washed could she change into her wedding clothes—including a new dress in a color she would not have chosen. Amos had made the choice for the table waiters.

Mamm
's voice had been firm. “That's what Amos wants.”

That sentence would likely be on
Mamm
's lips for the rest of her life. The thought was bitter, and Sandra grimaced. She must learn to like her new stepfather, difficult as that was, even if the drab blue dress she would wear today wasn't anything like what a Troyer would have chosen.

The happy days when she and Lydia had competed with each other over who could wear the best new Sunday outfit, seemed years ago. Those days were long gone. Today, though, they would be equals again on one point. Lydia would have on a new dress made from the identical blue material.

Things might go so much easier after today, if Ezra would come to his senses and ask her home on a date. She could live at Amos's place with
Mamm
, and Clyde wouldn't bother her if everyone knew she was dating the handsome Ezra Wagler. Ezra would drive her home every Sunday evening, and they could plan their wedding for the end of next year at the latest.

It was a dream, she knew, but dreams were made to catch, Sandra told herself. She took a deep breath. She could do this, and it would all be worth it. Ezra wasn't like Amos or Clyde. She could talk sense to Ezra. He would listen to a woman's wishes when she planned her wedding day. Ezra wasn't impossible like Amos. Not in the least.

Sandra left her bedroom and went downstairs with the kerosene lamp in one hand. Amos was already in the living room when she
stepped out of the stairwell. He looked up from the couch with a big grin on his face. “
Goot
morning, Sandra.”

“When did you get here?” Sandra snapped.

“You're a sleepyhead.” Amos's grin grew wider. “I drove in thirty minutes ago. I figured we couldn't leave anything to chance on your
Mamm
's wedding day.”

You just want to run everything,
Sandra almost said, but she held her tongue.

“I'll fix breakfast,” Sandra said instead. “
Mamm
shouldn't be working this morning.”

“That's sounds
goot
to me,” Amos agreed. “But I doubt if you'll talk Edna out of going above and beyond her duties. She's a godly woman, Sandra.”

Unlike me?
Sandra clamped her mouth shut before the words came out, then hurried off to the kitchen.

“Clyde will be here soon,” Amos called after her.

Sandra ignored him to greet
Mamm
with a soft, “You shouldn't be in here on your wedding morning,
Mamm
. I can make breakfast.”

Mamm
looked up with a weary smile. “Amos came early and he's hungry.”

“I can take over now,” Sandra insisted.

“And what am I supposed to do?”
Mamm
asked. “Talk with Amos? We already have our plans made for the day.”

“He shouldn't even be here,” Sandra whispered.

Mamm
shook her head. “Sandra, I know this is all a little unusual, but we must trust the Lord knows what's best.”

“Oh,
Mamm
!” Sandra wrapped her in a tight hug. “How did this all happen?”

“Life is in the Lord's hands and we must trust Him,”
Mamm
repeated. “Amos has a
goot
heart. He's had pity on me and my situation. What more can I ask?”

To not marry the man!
The protest died on Sandra's lips. She must not make
Mamm
's wedding worse than it already was.
Mamm
needed her support and comfort.

“Amos will take care of you too.”
Mamm
laid her hand on Sandra's arm. “And you can come live with us in a few weeks.”

Sandra pulled away. “Please,
Mamm
. I still have my heart set on Ezra Wagler.”

Mamm
reached up to touch Sandra's face. “Amos says your spirit needs taming, and I'm thinking that maybe he's right.”

The man knows nothing about me!
Sandra managed to keep the sharp retort quiet.

But a sorrowful look still crossed
Mamm
's face. “Amos knows of your unwanted pursuit of Ezra—or rather, yours and Lydia's.”

Sandra smiled. “The whole community knows,
Mamm
. And Lydia's not involved anymore.”

“Amos still disapproves,”
Mamm
said.

“So what?” The words burst out of Sandra's mouth this time.

“I heard that,” Amos called from the living room. “You shouldn't speak to your
mamm
with such strong words.”

At least Amos hadn't heard the preceding comment. Sandra shut her mouth again and busied herself with the bacon pan on the stove. Let Amos and
Mamm
think what they wished, but she would continue pursuing Ezra—especially today.
Mamm
should be on her side, instead of Amos's. The lack of support from her
mamm
hurt.

Silence settled between them until a buggy came into the driveway. Sandra stayed in the kitchen while
Mamm
went to answer the front door.

“
Goot
morning,”
Mamm
's cheerful voice called out.

“And
goot
morning to you,
Mamm
,” Clyde answered.

Sandra jerked her head up. Clyde had dared to call
her mamm
,
Mamm
. Even before the marriage vows were said. And Amos had invited Clyde over for breakfast. The nerve of both of them!

Sandra gave the bacon in the pan a quick shake, and bacon grease spilled on the counter. Black smoke poured from the oven top. Now she had that mess to clean up, and Clyde would no doubt walk in at any moment. He was bold enough. But Sandra jumped when
Mamm
instead appeared at her side. “What happened, dear? You seem as nervous as I am.”

Sandra ignored the question.

“I'll clean it up before Amos sees,”
Mamm
ordered. “Go get Mark up. We have to eat before anyone else arrives.”

Then call up the stairs,
Sandra almost said, but
Mamm
had never called up the stairs to awaken them in the morning. That had been
Daett
's job. A pain shot through Sandra, but she managed to whisper, “I'll be right back, then.”

“
Goot
morning to you,” Clyde sang out when Sandra went through the living room.

She didn't answer, hurrying upstairs with the kerosene lamp in one hand. From the looks of things, Clyde would disturb her all day. He was also a table waiter and had been paired with his cousin from Ohio. Why Clyde had chosen his cousin
Mamm
hadn't explained, but perhaps Clyde wanted to make sure no one thought he had a girlfriend. Clyde was serious about Sandra. There was no question about that. Which was all the more reason she must move Ezra off his no-action position and
soon
. Even today.

Sandra stopped to knock on Mark's bedroom door. “Time to get up, sleepyhead. Breakfast is ready.”

“Come in,” Mark answered. “I want to speak with you.”

Sandra cracked open the door and held the kerosene lamp off to the side. Mark had propped himself up on one elbow with
Mamm
's Texas Star quilt draped over himself.

“What is it?” Sandra asked.

Mark squinted in the low light. “You know that today changes everything for us.”

“
Yah
.” Sandra took a deep breath. “You don't have to remind me.”

Mark regarded Sandra with one eye closed. “I hate to be the breaker of bad news, but you should know that Amos and Clyde have been quite plain in their opinions about how you and Lydia act or used to act around Ezra.”

“Ezra always enjoyed our attentions.” Sandra stood up straight. “And we haven't done anything wrong.”

Mark swung his legs out on the floor. “Maybe so, but things are different now. I'm afraid you aren't adjusting.”

Sandra glared at her brother. “How can you just accept Amos and Clyde like that? They've waltzed into our lives and taken over.”

“They've helped us when no one else could,” Mark chided. “You know the church can't go on supporting us the way they have been. Not for months and months. And I have my own life to live. You should be grateful, Sandra, instead of sharpening that tongue of yours on Clyde and Amos.”

“And I suppose my heart has no say in the matter,” Sandra snapped.

Mark glared back. “The heart of a woman can change to fit the circumstances. I'm letting you know, Sandra, that I'm not supporting you once I marry. I plan to find another farm soon and move out on my own. When that happens I'll barely be able to make it financially for myself and my new
frau
—let alone for you.”

“You have to have some patience, Mark.” Sandra softened her tone in spite of the panic welling up inside of her.

“Of course, I'll be patient.” A look of tenderness crossed Mark's face. “But things are what they are. And I think you respect me
enough to remember what I said. You can't live off of me after the wedding when I can't afford it.”

Sandra shifted the lamp to her other hand. “Then I'll get a job. I'll clean. I'll cook for people. Something!”

Mark didn't look impressed. “That's harder than you think. And you can't stay forever at my place after I'm wed—even if you have a job. I'm just making that clear so you have time to plan ahead.” Mark tilted his head. “And just in case you think Amos is completely heartless, he has offered to support you while you continue to live with me—that is, if you and Clyde are making your wedding plans in the meantime.”

Sandra tried to speak but choked and fled. She wanted to scream and hear the sound echo through the whole house. Not since she had been a five-year-old had she given in to a temper tantrum. That time
Daett
had taken her out behind the woodshed for a spanking. She could still see the disapproval in his face and the disappointment in his voice. There had been no more meltdowns since. Mature people didn't have such reactions to life's events. And what if
Daett
was looking down today from the other side? She must control herself.

But, oh, if only
Daett
were here! He would be on her side.
Daett
wouldn't want her to marry Clyde.
Daett
wouldn't want her to follow
Mamm
's example and marry for convenience rather than love. Sandra paused at the top of the stair landing. Surely
Daett
wouldn't object if she tried again to win Ezra's affections.
Daett
would give her support. She had to believe he would. She had to keep up her courage.

Sandra held the lamp high and tiptoed down the stairs. She wiped the tears away and pasted on a bright smile before she stepped out of the stairwell.

Chapter Fourteen

A
n hour later, Sandra was dressed in her drab blue dress trying to think of anything but her dull attire. Outside the buggies were pouring into the driveway. This was a small wedding by Amish standards—or was supposed to be—but Amos had invited more people at the last minute.

“But Amos!”
Mamm
had exclaimed. “We only have so much food.”

Amos had chuckled. “Perhaps the bishop can pray for the multiplication of the bread and pecan pies. Didn't Jesus look kindly on wedding feasts?”

Mamm
had closed her mouth and said no more. The man had more nerve than a fox in a dozen henhouses. How did Amos dare joke about a miracle on
Mamm
's wedding day? There should be sackcloth and ashes with
Daett
's memory still fresh in their minds and hearts.