A Heart of Time (20 page)

“When the doctor told me there was a heart waiting for me, I knew,” Ari says. “The doctors told me there was little to no chance of finding a heart donor with the same blood type. So I knew it was Ellie. Excitement, relief, and gratefulness never set in when I heard the words come from my doctor’s mouth. I had less than a month to live at that moment. I was deteriorating by the day and we were at the point of looking for hospices since it was becoming too difficult for my parents to care for me themselves.”

“You weren’t happy that you were getting a heart?” I ask, clarifying what she’s explaining.

She presses her lips together as an uneasy smile threatens to show through the evident pain. “Like I said, I knew it was Ellie. I knew she had died. I knew she was due to have Olive, and I knew the likelihood of her surviving labor and delivery.”

I want to tell her this isn’t fair, that she knew and I had my life ripped out from beneath me but I’m still focused on feeling her heart beating beneath my hand. I know why Ellie named Olive before she was born now. She knew it was over. “I don’t know whether to be angry or grateful for her actions, but I’m hurt. Incredibly hurt.”

“I can imagine,” she says, releasing my hand from hers. “But you can’t be angry with her. She didn’t want to die, but sometimes in life we don’t get to choose the path we want, sometimes we’re only left with shitty options and she chose the less shitty one in her mind.” How can I agree with that? “She didn’t deceive you to hurt you...she made the choices she did because she loved you so much. She wanted to leave something behind that belonged to both you and her. That something was someone...Olive.”

As much as I need space right now, my hand isn’t moving, so I close my eyes, trying to piece everything together. My head hurts. The thoughts coming and going are in a jumbled mess. How did things end up like
this
?

“Why aren’t you teaching now? Your year off has come and gone. Why didn’t you go back?” I ask her, wondering why she would spend all of that time being mentored by Ellie and now not be doing what she wanted to do.

“In order to maintain my license the year following my surgery, I would have needed to get my MBA. I decided against it,” she says.

“Why, though?”

“For the same reason you shouldn’t consider getting involved with me, Hunter.” A struggling grin tugs at the corner of her lips and she cups her soft hand around my cheek. “I’m not good for you. I’m simply the soul carrier of Ellie’s heart. If our paths were to have crossed in different circumstances, we might feel different, but that’s not the case.”

This confuses me. I didn’t know who she was when we first met in the gardens and yet I was pulled to her—I was attracted to her and her expressive way of speaking since it sounded so much like the way Ellie spoke. “That’s not true,” I argue.

“I was at the gardens because I visit Ellie on a regular basis to thank her for her generous life-giving gift. That’s why we met. If it wasn’t for Ellie’s heart, we wouldn’t have met,” she says.

That’s a ridiculous statement, especially for someone who seems as intelligent as she is. “Unless you’re God, I’m not sure you can truly know that for sure.” She removes her hand from my face and stands up to walk toward the front door, forcing space between my hand and Ellie’s heart. She peers out through the glass. “What is the real reason you didn’t get your MBA, and what is the real reason why I would end up hurt by you?”

“The snow has stopped,” she says.

I stand up too and move up behind her, placing my hands on her shoulders. “Why?”

She turns around, her hair flying into my face as she faces me. “We all have our secrets, Hunter. Mine is
my
reason for everything.”

Without an understanding as to why her words don’t drive me utterly mad, I take her face back into my hands and kiss her gently, focusing on the texture of her lips and the warmth her skin offers mine. Her arms wrap around my back, squeezing me gently but tightly. I slide my hand between us, pressing it up against her chest, feeling the heavy thuds of her heart as our lips remain connected. Needing a more intense reaction, I slip my tongue into her mouth, immediately noticing the effect on her heart, the increase of beats, the speed in which it’s racing.
I still have an effect on this heart.

Ari pulls away breathlessly, looking at me with wonder in her eyes. “What did you feel?” she asks, dragging her tongue along her bottom lip before biting down on it.

“Your heart,” I tell her.

“And I feel her heart.” By the look of expression on her face, it wasn’t the right response. I don’t know what a right response would consist of though. Should I tell her she’s hot and an amazing kisser? Is that what women really want to hear? Because I’ve always seemed to think differently. “You’re in love with this heart, that’s all this is.”

“Ari, that’s ridiculous,” I argue, but
maybe she’s right...

She huffs a quiet chuckle and lightly presses her fingers against my mouth. “The flowers, the scents, the truths, this heart—it’s her, not me, Hunter. You don’t know me.”

“I do know you. I know every word you have written to me over the past five years. I have learned about your desires, wants, needs, and passions. You’re appreciative of everything you have and you live as if you are caring for the most prized possession this world has ever had. Your stories and updates on how you are caring for Ellie’s heart are what made me know you. The only thing I didn’t know was your name and where you lived.”

She creates space between us, seemingly struggling with my words, struggling with this moment. “Everything you have said means a great deal to me, knowing you read every word I wrote, knowing you appreciated the thoughts behind each letter. Writing became my inspiration to heal from the guilt attached to this borrowed heart, but the letters were never intended to make you fall for me because I know I am not the path for you. Please understand that. And those words, they were words to describe what Ellie’s heart was feeling, so I understand why you felt connected. I came to realize I was doing you more harm than good by sending you those letters, that’s why I put a stop to it. It wasn’t so I could make you fall for me.”

Her explanation of why I should not think anything more of her than the recipient of Ellie’s heart dumps me into a new level of confusion. “What are you saying?”

Her eyebrows pucker as she presses her hand to her throat as if she’s feeling strangled. “I don’t know,” she cries softly as she throws her arms around my neck and places her head against my chest. Her body trembles within my hold and her breaths are shallow and uneven. If I’m confused, so is she. The weakness within her decisions is making my chest ache.

I take her by the hand and bring her into the back room where I find a couch. As we both sit down, she looks at me with tears clouding her eyes. “This is wrong,” she says. “I do like you, Hunter...but I think it could be for the wrong reasons.” Ari brushes the back side of her hand under her eyes, wiping away the fallen tears. “I don’t know if what I feel is because of Ellie’s heart or if it’s because I selfishly needed to know you. I just wanted to make sure your life wasn’t destroyed after Ellie’s sacrifice for me. The pain I felt for you that day in the hospital made me want to help you the way Ellie helped me. I won’t ever be able to know the answer to my own question; therefore, this could never work.”

“But what if I only want to be with you because of Ellie’s heart? Doesn’t it make our confusion even?” What am I saying? Why am I saying this out loud? It’s ridiculous...I think. She is a person, too, not just placed on this earth to carry around Ellie’s heart—which is how I have imagined her for five years.
That’s terrible.

“Maybe it makes us even, but you have to understand, I might be good at being part of your present, but I will never be part of your future. I think we’re meant to be in each other’s lives for a different reason. A reason that makes sense to me and that I’m not sure I can explain.”

“You should never assume what our future will hold,” I say. Regardless, she has summed up my self-confusion in only a breath full of words. I just need her in my life, in any capacity, simple as it may be. “Though, you make everything make sense.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

MAY

-Two Months Later -

“Hey, are you
ready?” I shout into the kitchen. “If you don’t want to come, you can wait here.”

She grabs her sweater from the closet. “Yup, I’m good. I just wanted to get the frosting on the cake.”

I poke my head into the kitchen, looking at the cake she made. “It’s pretty awesome.”

“Yeah, I’m not that bad in the kitchen,” she says, playfully punching me in the shoulder as she walks past me. “You’re sticking around tonight, right?”

“Yeah, about that, I was going to see if you were okay with Ari joining us tonight. She wants to meet you and Lana and spend some time with Olive.” The oddness of my relationship with Ari is something that’s hard to explain. It isn’t your typical boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I can only explain what we have as a connection I can’t imagine breaking away from. I feel like I need to be around her and she feels the same way. I love being with her, learning everything about her. It’s the strangest relationship I’ve ever had, but it feels right to me.

“Of course. As long as you don’t mind if Lance joins us, too,” Charlotte says. That’s a whole other story. Charlotte has actually moved on. Boyfriend label and all. I can’t blame her. My mind is in ten places and she deserves to be the one and only focus in a man’s life. She kind of knows the gist of my relationship with Ari, but it baffles her at the same time. From what I can tell, Lance can offer her a simple, non-confusing relationship. I want Charlotte to be happy, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t suck to hear about him.

“Of course not,” I laugh. “I love Lance-a-lot. Get it?”

“You’re an ass,” she says, opening the front door.

“Yeah, an ass who lets your cute butt live here.” It’s been a little over a month since Charlotte and Lana moved in. With no child support coming in, Charlotte was going to have to move out and rent her house to make ends meet. It seemed like the right thing to do...letting Lana and her move in with Olive and me. I told myself that’s why I did it. That, and so Olive and Lana wouldn’t be separated. But the truth is, I didn’t want Charlotte to move away. I like having her around, even if we’re not “together” anymore.

“You’re not allowed to talk about my butt,” she sings, walking down the driveway. I pull the door closed and jog up to Charlotte’s side. “You sure you’re going to be cool with meeting Lance tonight?” she asks. I knew this meeting was inevitable at some point since she’s kept things private until now. The only thing I’ve seen of Lance is his stupid ass haircut from the car when he picks her up.

“Of course. He makes you happy, so that makes me happy,” I lie.

“Right,” she laughs quietly, which blends into an awkward silence.

We walk side by side past several houses as the quiet between us starts to burn. Things between Charlotte and I have been fine. Just fine. It’s been a little awkward at times, but overall it’s worked out pretty well. We don’t ask and we don’t tell. It took her weeks to actually admit that she was dating Lance, but it was easy to make the assumption based on the extra perfume she was dousing herself with before leaving at night.

Regardless of our two separate lives veering off in different directions right now, I like having Charlotte and Lana around. My lonely house that Olive and I felt so small in just a few months ago is now full. It’s nice.

“Are you getting nervous about your court date?” I ask Charlotte, breaking the silence.

“Very,” she sighs. “My lawyer thinks she has enough evidence to at least open the case back up but we won’t know for sure until things get started.”

“It’s a gamble, I guess.” I can’t imagine how she must feel. I have a pit in my stomach just thinking about her situation.

“Why, are you eager to get rid of me?” she asks, peering over at me.

I cup my hand around her elbow, stopping her in her steps, and force her to turn toward me. “I don’t want you to leave, Charlotte.” Wanting what’s best for her, I want her to get the case opened back up. At the same time, the thought of her moving out fills me with dread.

“How can you say that?” she asks, pulling her arm from my grip. “You’re in a relationship, or whatever you want to call it, with someone and so am I.” She has a point, and to tell the truth, even though it’s hard living with her while she’s dating Lance, the thought of not having her in my life at all would feel way worse.

“I say it because it’s how I feel,” I admit.

She pulls in a sharp breath and clears her throat, then changes the subject. “I got more milk and Lucky Charms this morning. Olive told me she ran out. I tried to explain to her that she doesn’t need to fill the bowl up to the rim since she only eats about half of it,” she says.

“Good luck with getting her to go along with that. Olive likes things in a certain way. Or else,” I laugh. “But thank you for doing that, though. You didn’t have to. I could have gotten her more cereal.”

“It’s no big deal,” Charlotte replies. “I needed a couple of things at the store anyway.”

We reach the bottom of the hill and take a seat on the bench. “Are you heading back to your job site for a bit before dinner?” Charlotte asks. “I noticed AJ has been gone since six this morning.”

“Yeah, I have to help him finish up after I grab Olive. It was a quick in and out job today.”

“Is he doing okay?” Charlotte asks, crossing her legs and leaning back into the bench.

“Yeah, I guess so. I think he’s gone on a few dates over the past month but nothing serious. He might still be bent out of shape over Alexa. I couldn’t blame him.”

“Maybe,” she agrees. “She definitely gave him good reason.”

Our conversation fizzles when the bus pulls up. “It’s today,” Olive shouts, jumping off the bus. “It’s toooodayyyy.”

“What’s today?” Charlotte asks her with a grin. I’m sure she suspects Olive’s exuberance is associated with Lana’s birthday party tonight.

Olive stops singing her words and directs her body toward me. “Oops,” she says. “I forgot.”

I wrap my arm around her and pull her in to my side, giving her a quick kiss on the top of her head.

“Oh,” Charlotte says. “Are you excited to see Ari tonight?” I’m not sure how Charlotte put two and two together so fast, but she did. I had told Olive about Ari before I asked Charlotte if it was okay to bring her to Lana’s birthday dinner tonight. I’ve wanted them to meet but Charlotte has come up with excuses each time I’ve tried to make plans. She would never admit to being jealous, especially since she’s with Lance, so I really don’t get it.

“Yeah,” Olive whispers, “but only a little. It’s just because she looks like a princess, you know.” While I know Olive was trying to downplay her uber excitement, I don’t think she realizes that she just hammered that nail in a little harder.

“Well, I can’t wait to meet this princess,” Charlotte says, playing along, giving me an indecipherable look. I scrunch my nose and shake my head, trying to tell her that Olive’s description is mildly off. Except it’s not. Ari does look like some fairytale princess. But that’s not the reason I want to be so close to her.

“We get to meet Mr. Lance tonight, too,” Lana pipes in. Okay, so I feel a little better knowing that Charlotte had already made this plan even though she just asked me if I was okay with it. It’s almost worse that she invited him over without talking to me than it was for me to invite Ari over without talking to her. It’s my house.

We’re even. I think we can just leave it at that.

“Olive, we have to go help Uncle finish a job.”

“Oh,” she says, kicking a small pile of dirt. “I thought I was going to help Charlotte cook.”

“She can stay with me,” Charlotte says while yanking Lana’s backpack off.

“Yes!” Lana shrieks, yelling so loudly her birthday crown flies off of her head and spirals into a gust of wind. I run to catch it, grabbing it mid-air. “Thank you, Hunter,” Lana shouts, running over and wrapping her arms around my leg. “You’re the best.”

Why does it feel like the four of us have turned into a family? It feels so normal, yet completely abnormal at the same time. I mean, we’re not together, yet, I could guess that we’re closer than some couples. That right there makes this weird as hell. We’re doing this all wrong.

Just to confirm my thoughts, I walk behind Charlotte and the girls, admiring the fact that Charlotte has her arms wrapped around both girls, one on each side as if they were both hers. Maybe we were just meant to find each other so we could be each other’s solid rock, the sturdiness we both desperately need in our lives right now. Could that be the reason we were meant to meet?

Once in a while I cave and let Olive stay with Charlotte after school, partially because she gets a chance to do her homework while she’s not tired, and she really enjoys the girl time with Charlotte and Lana. It has been hard letting go and making the decision to do what’s right for Olive rather than what feels right to me.

Amy—the listener, as I call her—has helped me work through my selfish traits versus what is being mixed up for my love for Olive. It turns out that someone can actually be smothered by love, even a daughter. As a dad, I’m a work in progress, I guess.

We step into the house and the girls run upstairs quickly. Charlotte is standing in front of me with a look I can’t figure out. Maybe she’s thinking what I’m thinking. “
I miss you
,” I want to tell her. Even though we live together, I miss her. I miss the “
us
” that was too short lived. It’s like our relationship continued to grow even after she ended things with me. It’s not supposed to work like that. I step up to her and wrap my arms around her neck. “You look like you need a hug today.”

“I do,” she whispers.

Driving to the job site, I pull up to the driveway, finding AJ loading up the truck with the tools. As I take only a step out of my door, he shouts, “I just finished up. I wanted to make sure we were home in time for dinner, so I turned up the AC/DC and got that shit done.”

“You’re awfully chipper about dinner tonight,” I say, with a sort of question lingering through my words.

“Uh,” he laughs, running the sleeve of his arm across his forehead. “Do you have any idea how much drama is going to take place tonight? And I have front row seats! Yeah, not missing
that
for the world.”

“Drama?”

“Yeah, you both have a date and it isn’t each other,” he laughs, a gut rolling laugh.

“How the hell did you—?”

“You two are so fucking loud on the phone. You think the walls are soundproof? What did you think was going to happen when you made me move into the room between you two?” he asks, continuing to laugh.
Such an ass.

“You’re about to move into the basement,” I tell him, sliding back into the truck. “Plus, I can’t count Ari as a date. I told you, things are just…”

“Fucking weird,” he finishes my sentence. “You want to be with a woman who you don’t fuck, just so you can be closer to her heart. Does this sound strange when you hear it coming from my mouth? Because it’s weird as hell coming from you. You are aware this is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard of, right?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” I tell him. “Ari and I just get each other and our relationship is something we both desperately need. It’s healing.”

“So then why aren’t you with Charlotte if you and Ari are just friends?” AJ adds in.