A Heart for Home (13 page)

“You sound like a real construction man. Do you like it better than farming?” Toby asked.

“I do. Thanks for the tarps.” Joshua caught a flash of lightning off to the north. “We all better pray this blows over. It’d be a shame to waste any of the hay left on the ground.”

“Oh, they won’t waste it. These folks, they don’t ever waste anything.”

Jonathan chuckled. “That’s for sure.”

Joshua clapped him on the shoulder. “Thanks for your help. Mr. Geddick says you learn quickly, and it shows.”

“When my father sent me out here that first summer to find out what manual labor was like, he sure had no idea I’d want to stay.” Jonathan swept his arm in an arc. “All this, the town, the land, farming, the people – beats New York any day. Talk about two different lives.”

Toby snorted. “When my brother and I snuck off that westbound train to get something to eat, two snot-nosed kids running from the police in New York City, we never knew what hit us. All of a sudden we had a man and woman who wanted to adopt us, a real home, a school, and soon friends. We’d probably be dead by now back there, and look what we have here.”

Joshua just listened. What was there about Blessing that provided for so many? He too felt at home there. If only Dr. Bjorklund could be the woman for him, life would be perfect. Lightning flashed again, but this time the thunder rolled farther away. If only.

10

“Has running away helped solve things in the past?”

Joshua stared at the pastor who had become his friend and confidant but never asked easy questions. “It’s easier.” He threw the final board onto the stack of concrete-crusted form material, staring at the woodpile so as not to face his friend. Sunday evening and he’d gone to work on his house, and Pastor Solberg had stopped by to help.

Turning, Joshua continued. “I’ve not needed to solve anything. It’s something that happened in our family. You can’t change history. I remember as a little boy seeing my aunt when they brought her back after being an Indian captive for ten or fifteen years. She was wild. Never could adapt to her home again.” He paused. “And then she killed herself.” The words fell as bleak as he felt. “My father hated the Indians. That never changed.”

“Joshua, that was a terrible thing to have happen. But when you let him, God can change your heart, to let the hatred and bitterness go, so you can live as one forgiving and forgiven.”

“I thought it was taken care of before, and then Astrid goes off to doctor the Indians, and it all blew up again. If she had just stayed here . . .”

“So this is Astrid’s fault?”

“No. I mean, yes.” He shook his head. “I don’t know. But I am sure she hates me now, and all I want is another chance.”

“Another chance?”

“To convince her that I love her.” Joshua swung his arm around. “I’m building this house for her, for us. Doesn’t that say that I love her?” He stared up at the darkening sky. “And I thought she loved me, but . . .” He shrugged.

“Let me get this straight. You are saying that if she truly loved you, she would have stayed here in Blessing rather than obeying the call to help keep other people alive?”

“That sounds terrible. If only it hadn’t been Indians.”

“You want the Indians to die, then?”

“Well, no. What kind of man do you think I am?”

“I think you are a man who is carrying on a family tradition of hate, and God is calling you to let it go, to bury the hatred, to forgive those who have wronged your family so that God in His infinite mercy can forgive you and guide your life.”

Joshua stood, head bowed, shoulders curved around his heart. “I thought I did.”

“But God peeled back more layers and is showing you that you truly haven’t.”

A pause lengthened. “Do you ever think that God asks too much?”

“That seems to be a fairly universal cry of mankind.” Solberg brushed a pesky mosquito away from his face. “That’s also why He sent His son to live and die here on this earth so that we can live in His grace.”

“So you are saying that if I don’t forgive, I will not be forgiven?”

“What does the Lord’s Prayer say?”

Joshua mentally ran the prayer through his mind. “To forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

“
As
is a mighty big word.”

“But what if I do as you say, and she still won’t have me?”

“Then maybe God is showing you that Astrid is not the woman He has in mind for you.”

“You believe He chooses who we will marry?” Joshua hoped he was keeping the shock off his face. Since when did God actually do the things Solberg talked about?

“If we let Him. He cares about every aspect of your life, everything that you care about. He says, ‘Trust me.’ ” The words lifted on the evening breeze.

Joshua stared at the line of light on the western horizon. “Sometimes I wish I had never come back here.”

“I know that I, for one, am certainly glad that you did. I know many others who feel the same way. You have become part of the town of Blessing, and we care deeply for those who live here.”

“So what do I have to do?”

“Remember the verse from First John? ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ ”

“I just say I’m sorry, and it will be all better. Only I did, and it isn’t all better. The anger came back worse than ever.”

“Satan delights in nothing more than catching Christians in their old habits and fighting to keep them there. Sometimes when we try to follow God’s instructions, that riles the old devil up, and he attacks with all he is worth. Remember, he attacked Jesus too. Three times.”

“Would that this were only three times.”

“Well, Jesus kept in close contact with His father, so He got through the lessons more quickly than we do.”

Guilt added to the affront. He’d not been living up to his word to read the Bible daily and pray, not only daily but whenever the need arose. When had he last said thank you for good things that had happened? Like getting a big discount on his house kit or Pastor Solberg returning home safely and showing up to help with the house. Joshua shook his head. “I just can’t manage to do it all.”

“None of us can. That’s what grace is all about. God’s free grace and mercy. Joshua, God loves you, right now, just the way you are. You can’t be good enough so that He will love you more.”

“But what if Astrid – ”

“Can you trust God to take care of that too?”

“I don’t know.”

“Now, that is indeed an honest answer. Choosing to trust God is not a one-time thing, but an over and over thing. Just like love is a choice, not necessarily a feeling.”

I can’t do it.
The words echoed and re-echoed through his mind
.

I can’t forgive. I can’t love enough. I can’t trust God for everything.

“You can only do this through the grace of God, one tiny step at a time.” Solberg stood silent. A nighthawk called out on its forage for flying insects. The buzz of a determined mosquito sounded loud in the silence.

“You always say the beginning is with the Word.” Joshua blew out a breath and tipped his head back to stare up at the stars, pinning the heavens in place. “Thank you.”
I guess.

“Anytime you need to continue this discussion, just let me know. And in the meantime, God’s grace is sufficient for anything. Amen.

Enough of my sermon. Johnny said he is really missing his guitar lessons and playing with you. You’ve taught him a lot.”

“He is so anxious to learn that he makes a great student. I’ve missed him too.” He extended his hand. “Thank you, sir.”

Pastor Solberg took the hand and shook it, using his other hand to bind the two together. “You and Gould were great this morning. The congregation sings so much better than it did before we had strong musicians.”

“Everyone is so glad you are home.”

“And I am glad to be here. ’Night.” The two men parted ways, and Joshua heaved another sigh. “Just let go” seemed to be the song of the cottonwood trees. “Just let go” fluttered on the curtains, whispered in the sheets when he crawled into bed.

Even the birds sang it with their morning arias. “How?” he wanted to scream at them all. Instead, he shaved and dressed and was the first one to arrive in the dining room. He could hear Mrs. Sam’s laughter from the kitchen.

“Let go of that, boy.” Her admonishment to her son stabbed right in Joshua’s heart. She could be saying it to Joshua himself.

“Good morning, Mr. Landsverk.” Miss Christopherson wore a bright smile. “I’ll have your breakfast out shortly. You want to start with a cinnamon roll? I’m sorry they aren’t fresh today. They were baked yesterday. I’ll warm it for you.”

“That would be just fine. I need to leave early this morning, so could you please fix my dinner pail right away too?”

“Right away.” She paused. “Are you feeling all right?”

“Yes. Just a lot to think about.”

“All the responsibility of your job would cause me to lose sleep too.”

“Right.”
If only it was the job and not my life that’s hanging in the
balance
.

Let go.
That’s all he had to do.
Let go.

He set the men to building forms for the next pour, an addition to the rear of the last one and half as large. By the time they finished this, they would be ready to strip off the former and begin framing the walls. When the new men came . . . That was another of his concerns – how to handle a crew that didn’t all speak the same language. How would he know what they could do? Toby would be having the same problem over at the hospital. Life used to be so much easier. Digging wells and erecting windmills. A couple of days and the job was done, and they were on to the next. Almost like Gypsies.

He heard the westbound train whistle off in the distance. Now, that would be an idea – gather up his tools and get on that train. But, as Pastor Solberg reminded him, running hadn’t solved his problems before. He’d sold his land and gone home, only to return to Blessing, mostly because of his memories of a certain yellow-haired girl. And now he might have lost her.

“Joshua, there’s a man here to see you about a job,” Mr. Geddick called to the front of the building.

“All right.” He strode around the corner of the original building, hearing a familiar whistle. “Aaron, is that really you?”

His brother turned and raised his hand. “Guess it is. You said come, and I came as soon as I could.” The two met and started to shake hands, but Joshua grabbed his baby brother in a back-thumping bear hug.

“Talk about a sight for sore eyes. You are it.” He stepped back, hands clasping his brother’s shoulders. “Thank you for coming. How’s the rest of the family?”

“Doing well. I think Frank wanted to come too, but he can’t seem to leave that poor piece of dirt. I’m glad to be away, just like I know you are.” He looked down the main street. “Looks to be a thriving place.”

“Blessing is that. Come along, and I’ll introduce you to the big bosses, finer men you couldn’t find anywhere. We got some other men coming in on the train from New York – immigrants. Good thing you worked on a building crew for a while. You’ll like it here.” He named all the buildings as they strode the block to the newspaper office, now also the main construction office. Pushing open the door, he stepped inside.

“I got us a new man come to work here,” Joshua said as he stepped to the side and indicated the man behind him. “My younger brother, Aaron, ready, willing, and able to work.”

“Glad to meet you, Aaron. I am Thorliff Bjorklund, and you are hired on your brother’s recommendation. When do you want to start?”

“Now is fine with me. Don’t have any other plans for right now.”

Thorliff turned to Joshua. “I take it you’d like him on your crew?”

“If that is all right.”

“Suits me. If you need to buy any tools, you can get them at Blessing Mercantile. Penny will expect payment on payday. We pay the first and third Fridays. Each of our foremen keeps track of his crew’s hours. Do you have a place to stay?” While Aaron shook his head, Joshua nodded his.

“He’ll room with me until my house is roofed in. Then we’ll sleep there. Still take our meals at the boardinghouse.” Joshua nodded to Thorliff. “Thanks.”

“Thank you for finding us some more hands. Any more brothers we can entice to Blessing?”

“I wish. I’ve been working on my brother-in-law, though. Since our dad died, I think my sister needs some new faces in her life. Her husband is a good worker. We’ll see.”

He ushered his brother out the door. “Well, how about that?”

“Good. Pay’s more than once a month too.”

“And Pa isn’t here to claim half your paycheck.”

“That’s for true. I always figured that was one reason you moved on.”

Joshua nodded, the remembrance of his father huddled in his chair blocking out the earlier memories. “Do you have a trunk or anything at the station?”

“Nope. Just my bag of tools and a carpetbag of clothes. And my banjo, of course.”

“Good. You’ll find a fine bunch of musicians here. We play for church every Sunday morning.”

“A banjo in church?”

“We don’t have an organ, so we make do with what we have. We play for dances and parties too.” He pointed to where his toolbox stood against a wall. “Put your stuff over there.” He chuckled when his brother flinched at a whistle blowing. “That’s the noon whistle. You can share my dinner pail, and then I’ll show you what to do.”

The day seemed to glow with a bright sheen after that. He paired Aaron with Mr. Geddick and set Jonathan to measuring and sawing. By the time the evening whistle blew, he’d nearly forgotten his discussion with Pastor Solberg. Until he showed Aaron the cellar for his house and after supper the plans for the kit he’d ordered.

“I own the land free and clear but will still have some to pay on the house.”

“Are you buying that house on credit? You know what Pa always said.”

“I know. I thought long and hard on it, but I have a good job, and I’ll have it paid off in six months. Other than my rent at the boardinghouse, all my money goes into that house.” He almost said he was building it so he could marry Astrid but cut himself off before having to think on that
Letting go
idea again. Maybe tonight he’d sleep decently. He needed all the energy he could find to keep up with all the changes.