A Friend of the Family (8 page)

Where the glittering glass palace had stood before it burnt to the ground seventy years earlier, the grassy terraces led down towards a panoramic swathe of steps, carved from pock-marked stone, from where you could see the whole of south London. If you stood at the top of the steps and looked around from left to right, the park looked like some tragic dumping ground for the world’s greatest attractions. The mast rose Eiffel Tower-like from a hill to the left and at intervals between the steps stood headless statues and proud-looking sphinxes, staring stoically into the misty distance, unaware that the building they were guarding had disappeared from behind them for ever. Their beards and toes were sprayed with metallic tags and they always made Tony feel sad, like seeing a faithful dog lying at the feet of the corpse of an elderly owner.

When they were boys they’d come to the park in the
summer and explore the secret labyrinth of underground tunnels beneath the ruins of the palace, inventing ghosts to scare each other and tearing out afterwards into the sunshine, euphoric with relief. The park was mayhem in the summer but on a damp April day like today you could almost believe you had the place to yourself and let the idiosyncratic, ghostly atmosphere overwhelm you. Crystal Palace was awash with ley lines, if you believed that sort of thing, which Tony wasn’t convinced he did. But there was something special, something
spiritual
in the air, that was for sure, something unlike anywhere else in London.

They took the steps slowly and in silence.

‘It’s good to see you, Tony,’ said Ned.

‘Yeah,’ said Tony, ‘likewise.’

‘How’ve you been, you know, with the divorce and everything?’

Tony shrugged. ‘Oh – fine – not bad at all really.’

They turned left, heading towards the cafeteria in the sports complex, dodging a flock of men in brightly coloured, skin-tight sportswear along the way.

‘What happened exactly? With you and Jo?’

Tony laughed and stuffed his cold hands into his coat pockets. ‘Shit. That’s a big one.’

‘Yeah, I know, but it was so weird hearing about it all from the other side of the world. It didn’t feel quite real.

It didn’t make any sense. I mean, you and Jo, you were a real team – you were soul-mates.’

‘Like you and Carly, you mean?’ He raised an eyebrow at Ned.

‘Yeah, but, that was different. We were kids when we met, we grew out of each other. But you and Jo – you were already adults when you met.’

Tony shook his head. ‘No, we weren’t adults. We were twenty-two.’

‘Yes, but…’

‘You’re not an adult when you’re twenty-two, not in this world, not these days. You look like one and sound like one, but you’re still just a kid.’

‘So is that what happened, then – did you grow out of each other?’

‘Fundamentally, I suppose. But ultimately it all came down to one conversation – a conversation we should have had a lot earlier.’

Tony held the door of the cafeteria open for Ned and felt himself thawing under the warm air of a heater above it.

‘Which one?’

‘The baby conversation.’

‘Ah – putting the pressure on, was she?’

‘No, it was the other way round, actually. I was ready. She wasn’t.’

‘But what was the panic? Couldn’t you just have waited a bit for her. She would have changed her mind eventually.’

‘No point. It was a stupid fucking idea anyway. When I think about it now I realize I only wanted a kid because I was thirty-one, because we’d been married for years, because I thought I should be cracking on with it. You know: typical Tony. And when she said “no” it was like
this great moment of realization. If I wasn’t going to be doing the whole family thing, tying myself down with kids and working my bollocks off to pay for it all, then what the fuck was the point of being married, you know? Of going to bed with the same woman every night? And I guess Jo must have felt the same way too.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘Because she left me for some bloke in her office two months later.’

‘No way!’ cried Ned. ‘Not Jo. Jo wouldn’t…’

‘Yeah, she would. Of course she would. She always got what she wanted, Jo.’

‘Shit – Mum didn’t say
anything
about that. She just said you’d come to the end of the road.’

‘Yeah, well – I didn’t tell Mum.’

‘You’re kidding – why not?’

‘Don’t know really. I didn’t want Mum to think badly of her, I s’pose.’

‘Yeah, but… why shouldn’t she think badly of her? She fucked you over – she…’

‘She did the right thing. Jo did the right thing. I was ready to cut loose and she was the only one of us who was brave enough to do anything about it. You know…’

Tony picked up a vinyl-topped tray and pushed it across the steel tracks in the café towards a display of sandwiches and baguettes. He selected a cheese-and-ham baguette, approximately a foot long. Then he picked up a scone with butter and cream and a can of Heineken. As he waited to pay at the cash desk, he slapped a twin
pack of Ginger Nuts on to his tray, an impulse purchase.

He felt self-conscious as he watched Ned slipping a tuna sandwich and a bottle of mineral water on to the tray.

‘Not hungry?’ he said.

‘Not really,’ said Ned, grimacing. ‘I’m feeling a bit dicky, actually, I think I might have picked up a bug on the plane, or something.’

‘Not having a beer?’

‘Nah. Thanks.’

It fell silent, save for the sound of Ned ripping the plastic seal off the front of his sandwich and the ring-pull going on Tony’s beer.

‘So,’ said Ned, eventually, ‘how are you now? I mean, how’s your life?’

Tony shrugged. ‘OK,’ he said, ‘work’s busy.’

‘The divorce, I mean, you say you’re cool with it and everything, but how did it hit you? Really?’

‘It didn’t,’ said Tony. ‘Obviously it was a bit weird at first, moving out of the house, living alone, not seeing Jo every day. But now, it’s fine.’

Ned threw him a look. ‘Are you sure, Tone?’

‘Positive. Single life agrees with me.’

‘It’s just that you don’t seem very… You’re not the same as… Are you sure you’re happy? Because, you can talk to me if you’re not. You know that, don’t you?’

Tony smiled. ‘I’m happy, Ned. Honest. Life’s just different now, that’s all. Not better, not worse, just different.’

Ned nodded and they fell silent again.

‘I like Ness,’ said Ned eventually, through a mouthful of food, ‘she’s really funny.’

‘Yeah,’ said Tony grimly, ‘she’s all right, isn’t she?’

‘Where did you meet her?’

‘You know Trish? Rob’s missus?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Friend of hers, from school.’

‘Oh. Right. Are you going to marry her?’

Tony spluttered slightly and laughed. ‘What?!’

‘Well, why not? She’s really pretty and really nice, and she obviously really loves you.’

Tony wiped his mouth on a napkin and grimaced at Ned. ‘No, Ned. I am not going to marry Ness. We’ve only been going out for a year.’

‘Well, are you going to live with her, then?’

‘God, Ned, I don’t know. I’m really not thinking like that at the moment. We’re just, you know, hanging out. It’s nothing serious.’

Ned nodded at him, knowingly. ‘I prefer her to Jo,’ he said in a small voice.

Tony looked at him in surprise. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah. She’s more…
human.
More real. And she’s got better legs.’ He grinned at Tony and they laughed. ‘But seriously, Tone, I think you’ve done really well for yourself there. She’s brilliant.’

‘What about you and whatsername?’ Tony still felt vestiges of loyalty towards Carly when it came to Monica. ‘What went wrong there, then?’

Ned shrugged and picked some cucumber out of his sandwich. ‘Don’t know really,’ he said.

‘What, she dump you? You dump her? What happened?’

Ned fell silent for a moment and contemplated a coffee ring on the table-top.

‘Come on. You can tell me.’

Ned cleared his throat and leant in so close towards him that Tony could smell cucumber on his breath. ‘Promise you won’t say anything to Mum?’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘Well, she went fucking loop-the-loop. Completely, like, really, really scary.’

‘How d’you mean?’

‘Just lost the plot entirely. Started following me, hitting people,
pulling out her own hair,
you know, like actual big clumps of her own hair.’

‘Christ. Shit. That’s bad. So – what happened? Is she better now?’

Ned shrugged and picked at the plastic casing of his sandwich. ‘No, not really.’

‘Well, what did she say when you told her you were coming home?’

He shrugged again. ‘Nothing much.’

‘You did tell her, didn’t you? You did tell her you were coming home?’

Ned shook his head and looked embarrassed. ‘Well, I left her a note.’

Tony laughed. ‘Oh shit, Ned – that’s really low.’

‘Yeah, I know, I
know.
But you don’t know Monica. I mean, Monica’s really – big.’

‘What, you mean fat?’

‘No – big. Like a bloke. Like a
big
bloke. And – I don’t know –
anything
could have happened if I’d told her I was leaving. She could have beaten me up or cut off my dick or something.’

‘You mean, you were
scared
of her?’ Tony started to laugh.

‘Terrified. I mean,
really
terrified. I saw her kill a kitten once.’

‘What?!’

‘Straight up. It was lying on the side of the road, half dead – it had been run over – and she just got hold of it, like that, and broke its neck. Calm as you like. She didn’t even cry or anything.’

‘Jesus.’

‘Yeah, and then this other time she gave a little girl a Chinese burn – tiny little girl, you know, with ringlets and everything. Said she’d been giving her dirty looks.’

‘Shit – she sounds psycho.’

‘I know. And she hit me once. Well – twice, actually. Knocked me sideways – gave me a black eye. But the worst thing about Mon – the
scariest
thing – was the talking in her sleep. Groaning, wailing, screaming sometimes, too. She sounded like she was possessed by demons or something.’

Tony paused. ‘Maybe she was. You know… it sounds like she’s really quite ill, Ned.’

‘Yeah,’Ned slumped a bit, the circus over, reality hitting home. Yeah. I think she is.’

‘Poor girl.’

‘I know – that was the thing. Underneath it all there
was this really nice girl, you know, this real sweetheart. It was as if she had so much love to give but no one had ever shown her what to do with it. And that was the bit I fell in love with, I suppose.’

Tony pushed away a token corner of his baguette which he could happily have eaten but felt self-conscious about as Ned had barely touched his sandwich. ‘So, you just took off, did you? Did a midnight flit?’

Ned’s face fell and he looked almost ashamed. ‘That’s about the long and short of it.’ He gulped.

‘Well, I can’t say as I blame you really.’

‘Yeah, well. I’m not in love with myself about it or anything. It’s not the greatest thing I’ve ever done. But it wasn’t just her, you know. It was everything. Hot Christmases, funny insects, everything being so far away. I just thought, shit, you know, Mum and Dad, what if something happened to one of them, what if one of them had a heart attack or something and I was two days away? They’re getting on a bit now. I just suddenly really felt this need to be close at hand. And then there’ll be nephews and nieces and things…’

‘Not much chance of that.’

Yeah there is. You and Ness – you’ve been together for a while. And Sean looks pretty serious about this Millie.’

Tony snorted derisively. ‘Oh, come on – those two? They’ve only known each other for five minutes.’

‘Yes, but you can tell just by looking at him, can’t you? This is the real thing. I reckon Sean’s going to go for this one.’

‘Sean? Nah. Sean’s not ready to settle down, no way.’

‘Oh, he is.’

‘No way.’

‘Look – I’ve been away – I’ve got
objectivity.
And he’s ready, mate, just you watch.’

Tony didn’t like the way this conversation was heading. And besides, there was something that had been bothering him throughout this conversation with Ned, something he had to mention.

‘Ned,’ he said, ‘will you please stop doing that – that
thing?’

‘What thing?’

‘That making everything sound like a question thing? That turning up the ends of your sentences thing? You know, that sounding like an Aussie thing? Mate?’

Ned’s face fell. ‘Shit. Am I? Am I really? Am I doing it now?’

‘Well, yes, of course you’re doing it now, you div, you’re asking me a question – you’re supposed to sound like that. It’s your normal sentences that’re the problem.’

‘Shit – look, give me a kick, will you, if I do it again?’

Tony smiled sweetly and kicked him under the table.

Ned kicked him back. ‘Bastard,’ he said, with a grin.

‘Come on, kid brother, let’s go.’

Both brothers pulled on their overcoats, headed for the door and wondered silently to themselves just exactly what it was that the other one wasn’t telling them.

Mon’s Hair and Bernie’s Soul

Ned got back from the park just as the sun was starting to set and came upon Gervase sitting in the kitchen, drinking a mug of tea and flicking through Dad’s
Guardian.

‘Oh,’ said Ned, ‘hi.’

‘Evening,’ said Gervase, folding up the paper with a finality that suggested that he was angling for a chat. ‘How’s it hanging?’

How’s it hanging? thought Ned.
How’s it hanging?
What sort of a stupid dumb-ass question was that? Oh, it’s hanging very pendulously to the right, thank you very much. He grunted and nodded and made his way to the sink to fill the kettle.

‘There’s some in the pot, mate,’ Gervase indicated Bernie’s teapot with a jerk of his head. It was wearing a cosy.

‘I’m having coffee,’ he said tersely.

Gervase nodded, in a ‘Fair enough’way.

Ned dropped a couple of teaspoons of coffee into a mug – he was going to need a ton of caffeine to keep him going – and as he moved around the kitchen he felt uncomfortably aware of Gervase’s eyes boring into the
back of his head. This is ridiculous, he thought to himself, feeling uncomfortable in your own home, having some stranger watching you make yourself a cup of coffee.