A Friend of the Family (34 page)

‘Fuck,’ said Ned. ‘Fuck. Ness. I’m really sorry. That’s awful. What did he say? Did he give you a reason?’

‘Told me I wasn’t “the one”.’ She made quotes in the air with her fingers and laughed wryly.

‘The one?’ he questioned. ‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’

‘I don’t know,’ she said, ‘but the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to wonder if he’s been seeing someone else.’

‘No.’

‘Uh-huh. He’s been really chirpy lately, lost loads of weight. Been whistling a lot. Making more of an effort with the way he looks.’

‘No,’ said Ned, shaking his head vehemently, ‘not Tony. Tony wouldn’t cheat. Tony’s one of the good blokes.’

‘Yeah. That’s what I always thought. I mean, he’s grumpy and bad-tempered, but I always used to let that wash over me because I knew deep down inside he was decent – that he wouldn’t hurt me…’

‘So, that was all he said, was it? Just that you weren’t the one?’

‘Uh-hm. I’d been talking to him about moving in together…’

‘Oh well, then…’ said Ned, slapping his hands off his knees, ‘that explains it. You scared him off. That’s all. It’s like when I was with Carly: we were great together, really great and I never really thought about where our relationship was going – I was just living in the moment, you know what I mean? Didn’t really question it. And then one night, out of the blue, she asked me to marry her. And I just freaked. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know why. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want to be with her. But there was something about…’ He strained to find the words to describe an episode of his life he still didn’t understand. ‘I don’t know – it was as if I’d been rolling along for years and years, doing my own thing, and all of a sudden someone else had grabbed the steering wheel off me, taken control of my life. It just terrified me, really.’

‘So you went off with that girl from the sports bar?’

‘You know about that?’

‘Of course I do. Bernie told me. She said it was horrible.’

‘It was horrible. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done.’

‘So what is this? Some London-family commitment-phobic gene?’

‘No!’ said Ned passionately. ‘No. Not at all. I’m a reformed commitment-phobe. Dumping Carly – I tell you – it was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. That’s for sure. And I’ve learnt my lesson. Tony’s just
scared.
He’s scared. Give him some time. He’ll come round.’

‘D’you think?’

‘Uh-huh. Definitely.’

‘Oh, I don’t know. I asked him about moving in together a couple of weeks ago and he was really cool about it, said he’d think about it. He didn’t look scared then. In fact, if anything he started being nicer to me, more affectionate, giving me compliments. He even… he even told me he loved me the other night. Why would he tell me he loved me if he was feeling trapped and scared? Why would he be all super-affectionate?’

Ned sighed and rubbed his hand over his chin. ‘I’ve got no idea, Ness. But I tell you one thing – the guy wants his head testing.’

‘What?’

‘Well – you – you’re…’Ned felt his face explode, hot flames of embarrassment licking his cheeks. ‘You’re
gorgeous.’

She managed a little smile, then.

‘And you’re lovely. He must be fucking mad to dump you.’

‘Oh, Ned – that’s really sweet, but you don’t have to try and make me feel better…’

‘I’m not trying to make you feel better, Ness. I’m just saying – you’re gorgeous, you’re funny, you’re sweet, you’re sexy… you’re… you’re… like the
perfect woman.’
Ned gulped. His face was now so hot that he felt like he was about to spontaneously combust.

Ness threw him a strange look and then started giggling. Uncontrollably. Way too uncontrollably for Ned’s
liking. It wasn’t that funny. It wasn’t actually funny at all.

‘Oh, Ned,’ she said, wiping away a tear with the corner of her crumpled tissue, ‘that’s so lovely. Will you marry me?’

‘Yes,’ said Ned. ‘Er, I mean, no. Maybe. I…’ He clamped his jaws shut so that no more ludicrous words would escape.

Ness look at him fondly. ‘You’ve shaved your beard off,’ she said.

‘Yeah,’ said Ned, rubbing his fingertips across his bare chin, ‘yeah. It was just getting a bit… you know.’

He wanted her to go now. This was just plain embarrassing.

‘Much better,’ she said, nodding approvingly. ‘Can see your lovely face now.’

OK, he thought, maybe he wanted her to stay.

And then he heard the lock go on the front door and the sound of his parents’ laughter floating through the house and into the living room. Ness sat upright and looked eagerly at the door.

‘Ness!’ said Gerry, walking into the room. ‘What are you doing here, love?’

She smiled and shrugged.

‘Tony just finished with her,’ said Ned, helpfully.

‘No!’

‘Yeah. Just now.’

‘Ness. You poor thing.
Bern.
Bern!’

Bernie arrived in the doorway still wearing her coat.

‘Ness. What’s happened?’

‘Tony just finished with her,’ said Ned again.

‘No!’

‘Yeah. Just now.’ Maybe he should get signs printed up, he wondered idly.

‘But… but…
why?’

‘I don’t know, Bernie,’ said Ness, starting to snivel, ‘I don’t know.’

‘Oh, come here, love.’ Bernie opened her arms up and Ness fell into them and started sobbing her heart out.

Ned and Gerry looked at each other, left the room and went and sat in the kitchen.

‘Well, well, well,’ said Gerry, pouring himself a glass of water and sitting down heavily at the kitchen table. ‘Oh move over, you dirty great lump, for God’s sake.’ Goldie looked mournfully at Gerry for a moment before slowly heaving himself a few inches across the floor and then collapsing into another heap. Gerry watched him and tutted. ‘I don’t think he’s got much longer.’

Ned threw him a horrified look. ‘Don’t say that,’ he said.

‘Well,’ said Gerry, ‘look at him.’

They looked at him.

‘It’s cruel.’

‘No it’s not,’ said Ned, ‘he’s fine. Look at him. He’s happy – he’s smiling.’

‘Smiling?’ said Gerry, shaking his head and pulling a pinch of tobacco out of a pouch. ‘He’s not smiling, you big tit – he just hasn’t got any lips left. They’re all worn
away. Like his larynx and his corneas and his teeth. Poor bastard.’

‘That’ll be you one day,’ said Ned, indignantly, ‘you’ll be all worn out and smelly with no lips. Would you like it if we sat around going,
Don’t think he’s going to last much longer?
Eh? As long as the poor bugger can still wag his tail, he’s staying put. Aren’t you, mate?’ He leant down to pet the corner of Goldie’s bottom and he obligingly performed a solitary wag of his almost bald tail. ‘See. He’s happy.’

‘Hmm.’ Gerry licked a Rizla.

Neither of them spoke for a moment and Ned wondered what was happening next door. How could Tony have done that to Ness, he wondered. How could he have looked at that sweet, open face, that lovely little flash of lacy bra showing, and dumped her? But then, he remembered, he’d done it, too. He’d done it to Carly.

‘So – that’s another double room gone to waste, then.’

‘Eh?’

‘At the Ritz.’

‘Dad!’

‘Well. They’re fucking expensive, those double rooms. If I’d known you boys were all going to end up single you could have shared a room.’

‘Look,’ said Ned, ‘there’s still nearly three weeks to go. Don’t write me off just yet.’

‘Bern’ll be so disappointed about Ness not coming now. They’re like that-’ he twisted his index finger over his first finger. ‘It doesn’t seem right, somehow.’

‘She can still come though, can’t she? Just ‘cause she’s
not going out with Tony any more. She’s Mum’s friend, too.’

‘Yeah,’ said Gerry, ‘I suppose so. Here,’ he said, smiling suddenly, ‘she could be your date. What about that, then? You and Ness.’ He chortled to himself and lit his cigarette.

‘Dad. Stop it.’

‘Well – why not? She’s young, free and single. So are you. Double bed going spare. Seems a shame to waste it.’

‘Dad! That’s a bit off. They only split up about five minutes ago, for God’s sake.’

‘He he he. Wouldn’t that be a turn-up for the books, eh?’

‘I don’t suppose she’ll want to come anyway – not with Tony being there and everything. She’ll be feeling a bit…
delicate.
You know.’

‘What –
Ness?
No way. That’s girl’s got gumption. She’s got balls. She’ll pick herself up in time. Besides, can you see Ness turning down the offer of free champagne?’ He chortled again. ‘She’ll be there. Mark my words. And I think you should take her. It would be a nice thing to do.’

‘Bloody hell, Dad – their relationship isn’t even off the morgue slab yet. Give it a rest.’

Gerry chuckled again and Ned grimaced at him.

But deep down inside him there was a little seed growing. A seed that felt like it might grow into a fully fledged crush one day. Or even… No. He couldn’t think that. It was lunacy. Utter lunacy. But then he
thought of that wink of lacy bra, the tousled hair, the sparkly green eyes, the brilliant smile, the infectious laugh.

‘How old… how old is she? Ness?’ he said as nonchalantly as he could.

‘Dunno,’ said Gerry, ‘twenty-eight. Twenty-nine.’

‘Right,’ said Ned, ‘right. And what, er… does she do for a living?’

‘She’s a lawyer.’

A lawyer. Shit. He’d been hoping Dad would say she was a shelf-stacker at Tesco’s or a manicurist or a secretary or something. Something he could compete with on a level playing field. Something that was commensurate with ‘twenty-seven-year-old press-pack assembler living with parents’. But no. She was a fucking lawyer. With a flat. And a flash little VW Golf.

Fucking typical.

This was it now, he mused, he was at that age. Every woman he met from here on in was going to be doing some high-flying fucking job, they were all going to be like Becky – looking for someone with a ‘bit of a life going on’. He’d have to start lying about his age, put himself about as a toyboy. Or just go for younger women. But he didn’t like younger women; he liked women his own age. He had no idea what you’d talk about with a woman in the early stages of a relationship if your cultural points of reference were all skew-whiff and misaligned. And anyway, he’d quite like to settle down in a couple of years, not be dragged out to nightclubs and noisy wine bars by some twenty-year-old girl
who’d probably dump him when someone better-looking came along and leave him back at square one. He wanted what Sean had. What Bud had. What Mum and Dad had. But he’d fucked up – big time. He could be married by now, he mused, married to Carly and halfway up a career ladder somewhere.

He sighed and shook this pointless little thought from his head. He needed to heed Gervase’s advice from their night in Wood Green, start being a bit more philosophical about life, go with the flow, expect the best. And maybe Ness could see beyond Ned’s lack of status, see his potential, or, at the very least, see him as someone nice to take her to Mum and Dad’s party.

Dad was right. It would be a nice thing to do. It wouldn’t be predatory. It would be old-fashioned – he’d be her escort for the night, her companion. Give her someone to walk in with, make her feel like part of the family and not just Tony’s ex, so she wouldn’t feel so awkward. Yes, he thought, definitely.

He’d leave a decent amount of time and then he’d ask her to be his date. He’d ask her to be his date, spend a pleasant evening with her and then try to apply a little philosophy to his life.

Getting Dumped in the Rain

‘Ned – it’s Sean.’

‘All right – what you up to?’

‘Just finished another chapter, thought I’d pop over – what are you up to tonight?’

‘Er, we were going to go and watch Mum sing at the Tavern.’

‘We?’

‘Yeah, me and Gervase.’

‘Oh,’ said Sean, feeling slightly put out. ‘Right. OK. Don’t worry about it, then.’

‘No, no. Why don’t you come?’

‘What – with you and Gervase?’

‘Yeah – Gervase is sound, you know.’

‘Yeah – he’s all right, but, I don’t know…’

‘I know you and Tony aren’t that keen on him, but once you get to know him he’s a really good bloke. You should come.’

Sean gave it some thought. The idea of going to the pub with Gervase was very odd, especially after what had happened outside the house the other night. But he really wanted to spend some time with Ned and if sharing him with Gervase was the only option, then he
was prepared to do that. Besides, it would be good to see Mum singing – it would make her happy. Sean didn’t often find opportunities in life to make Mum happy, so it would be worth it just for that.

‘OK,’ he said, ‘yeah. What time?’

‘Sevenish.’

‘Cool – see you then.’

Half an hour later, Sean was cycling through Crystal Palace towards Beulah Hill in a shockingly heavy downpour of rain. His trousers were splattered with mud, his hair was glued to his forehead and he was wondering why he hadn’t just stayed at home and got on with some work. He felt a vibration in his trousers as he pulled up at some traffic lights, and took his mobile out of his pocket.

Millie.

He and Millie hadn’t spoken since the night at Tony’s. Yes – he was aware of how terrible that was and how he should be feeling about it. But to be honest, he’d enjoyed the breathing space – he’d almost been able to pretend to himself that he didn’t have a pregnant girlfriend, that he was an unfettered young man whose only concern was the completion of his latest manuscript. He hadn’t spoken to Tony, either, and wasn’t sure he particularly wanted to. He had one lasting image of that night and that was the sight of Millie standing with her hands on Tony’s shoulders telling him what a ‘man’ he was. And Tony sitting there with his arms folded looking at Sean as if he was a piece of crap – his own brother.

He’d half-hoped that Tony might phone the following day to apologize or, at the very least, to try and get things back on an even keel. Sean had said some hurtful things to Tony that night, but nothing took away from the fact that Tony was his big brother and he looked up to him and respected him like any younger brother does. He was caught halfway between a nasty sense of superiority and a deep, deep sadness that, despite all his success, despite proving himself ten times over, his big brother still didn’t respect him. Sean was on the ascendant – his life had just begun. Tony’s life had started and finished years ago. All he had left to look forward to was middle age and an even fatter arse. Tony, Sean had finally come to realize, was jealous.