A Fine Profession (The Chambermaid's Tales Part One) (42 page)

Heath read the last paragraph over and over, desperately trying to convince himself that there must be more.
Please say she realises the reality. Surely…?

“
But he let you as good as fornicate with other men!” Heath exclaimed. “And yet you still love him? Clearly! He loves you, stupidly! Ridiculously! And yet, it cannot be. You won't let it be!”

“
Yes, I nearly always enjoyed my trysts. The wives and girlfriends the men went back to were no doubt unknowingly thankful. It was something I was good at. It gave me purpose outside of the hotel. That's good you know, purpose? Makes us feel better people. Without that, sometimes we are dormant, unused and unhappy. He gave me purpose but there was a cost.”

“
He was a fuckwit and a tyrant if you ask me!” Heath declared. “But clearly grew to love you! Don't you see that?”

“
That's where you couldn't be more wrong,” she insisted. “He always loved me. I reconciled with that.”

“
Why the hell are you so bent on just upping and leaving? Don't tell me it is
shame
. That is not the woman you have painted.”

“
It is shame, I assure you. In love, we feel shame because we feel responsibility for keeping the heart of our loved one safe. I did not do that with Noah. I meant to mangle his heart with my antics. It was the only way to tear him away from me. The only way to stop him making me feel unworthy of his love. A man's love, once given, is not easily taken back. It must have taken a lot for him to give himself up after his marriage. Yet, I desecrated that unspoken pledge.”

“
What about my marriage? You said I could save it?”

“
Yes, of course, I've no doubt you can save it. Rebecca is a wonderful woman and all you have to do is talk to her.”

“
But, you're playing with double standards again!”

What he felt was frustration. He felt that these two people, Noah and Charlotte, were without question meant to be. It was agonising seeing a situation not reach the conclusion it was surely meant to. He tore at his hair and twisted his shirt cuffs between his fingers, angered by this woman's refusal to back down.

“You love him enough to leave him, don't you? To spare him.”

He needed logic. He sought it. He needed some recompense for this tale that had broken his heart.

“I suppose.”

“
What about giving him a chance to show you what life together would be like? What about that?”

“
Too risky. I may relapse. I still need time… Anyway, listen, Heath, I hear your concerns and you can spout them until the cows come home, or whenever whatever's at home! My decision is made. I had to work really hard at learning to make decisions and so now, when I do, I stick to them. It works for me. I am my own self now. I am steering this ship toward her destiny and its end point is a flaming Sambuca on the beach!”

They laughed a little. She always bypassed strain with humour. He rubbed his eyes. He was exhausted. It had reached around
3am. He had been reading straight for almost a day.

“
And this place?” he asked, staring at the surroundings.

“
Just a setting. A metaphor, even. Here, it all began, and here it ends. I set up a few home comforts here for this meeting of ours. I also decided that if I could cope within these walls, which are quite bacteria-ridden as you can see, I must have overcome my fears. It was a little test for myself.”

“
Oh,” he said.

“
This is the place that used to act as the young buck's finishing school. I did a lot of my own research in the archives. I found an interesting story. This building was mostly burnt out at the turn of the twentieth century, by local zealots convinced this was once a filthy whorehouse of sorts. And, of course, they were right. The wing we're now in is one of the only parts of the building to survive, though decrepit now.”

Heath was captivated. She was an entrancing, mysterious creature who knew how to tell a tale.
Thank god, there's more yet
, he convinced himself, asking her enthusiastically, “Tell me all you know.”

“
I tried to trace Noah's bloodline back. No reference to royalty or anything. Nada. I doubt anyone will prove inconclusively whether the Yeardleys are related to any kind of duke.”

“
What are you getting at then?” he asked, desperate to know the end of this tale.

“
I did find the diary of the woman who kept this house. It's in the archive. I asked around to find out what the Grandmaster wanted to see whenever he visited. Always, he went straight to the historical document section relating to working women of the time. I read it cover to cover. I found a story. Of the woman who had inspired me in Mrs Lamb's list. The young lady, according to the Madam of this house, was taken sorely ill. She'd met a man who meant to make a decent woman of her but he was forced into marrying a childhood friend by his father. The indifferent parlour maid of my imagination was just as fallible as the rest of us. She died of TB after failing to recover her
humour
following the gentleman's decision to abandon her. You cannot help but feel a little like history repeats.”

“
What? What is there to tell?” He was desperate for some final twist in the tale.

“
Inherent personalities make us commit the same mistakes. We never seem to learn. The cycle repeats, even despite all the advances of the modern world. We still live in a world in which we create barriers to prevent matches or situations that are achievable. Maybe, this world is worse than the old one, even.”

“
And yet, I'm still lost,” he mocked, impatiently.

“
There's always a chance of preventing history repeating itself. Always a chance to make things right. Always time to separate the romantic pleasure-giver from the indecent woman he thinks he can make good. The odds of such a match lasting are never good. The romantic ideal is for the strong, unbreakable man to fix the wronged, fallen woman. But, that was not the most astounding thing I realised, Heath…”

“
Yes, yes?” he demanded.

“
I am the strong one. Always, I outdid Noah at every turn. Why? What do I mean by that… you may ask…”

“
For fuck's sake spit it out, Lottie.”

“
People with hurts and scars are unconsciously drawn together. Loners find other loners to confide with. Loners like me. Alex. Noah… Noah, my lover. My man. My world. My superior in physical strength, but not mentally. Not many can compete with me after all I have overcome.”

“
What?”

“
Yes. He suffers something that he could never talk to me about. Something akin to my low self-esteem, but not quite the same. He has some dark secrets, I know. I know he does. But, I don't want to know… You see, if we could have frozen those initial few months together, I am sure we would have remained in static bliss forever. But what happened was, life bit us back on the arse. I grew to want his fidelity and his babies, but he did not. I wanted more. If we had eventually started living together, I have no doubt we would have been toxic together. Unable to escape our true selves. No longer cushioned by the fantasy.”

She glared at Heath, making him wait for revelations that might satiate his hunger for knowledge.

“Come on…” he demanded.

“
He carried too much hurt, you see. Too much. I always knew that he did, but I could never show him that I saw it. It might have made him run, like I did with Alex. I never pressed him for details because I knew, as clearly as I see you now, that if I unplugged his emotions, he might break. I always thought it was his marriage breakdown but it was something, something else… something dark. I know something troubled him. Talking about it might have made him bleed inside and…”

She crumpled and wiped at her eyes.

“But he is rich. What could possibly bother him? What?”

She raised her eyebrows. The realisation hit him.

“Only in separation does the Noah and me of this book remain bound in perfection. I lived the fantasy, and, I want it to stay that way. The reality is much harder to face up to. I may get ill again at anytime. I may miscarry once more. I may suffer any number of ailments. All those things, I can cope with. On my own. Two people so messed up… together… is a recipe for disaster. Seeing Noah suffer because of me would be unbearable. I could not do it. It does not compute. So yes, I spared him, but yes, I wanted the fantasy to remain intact. It will. The days we shared were beautiful. They were worth a lifetime of pain. I wrote… I wrote… this book… for him. To explain.”

She broke down and wailed and he moved across to hold her. When she stopped crying, he whispered,
“You're forgetting one thing, Lottie.”

“
What?” she said.

“
Love does not care for reason.”

C
harlotte sauntered down the concourse toward the plane, smiling. She was finally putting it all behind her. She was getting the fresh start she had always dreamt of but it had come at a price: years of slaving and putting her life on hold. Now she was away scot-free. Or so it seemed…

She wore a brand-new Burberry suit, expertly contoured to her miniature curves and enviably made for her colouring. Her black Jimmy Choo pumps clacked against the tacky flooring while a Gucci holdall was slung over her for
earm as if it was but a mere accessory. She felt like a new woman heading into the sunset, with nothing but her wits and a load of cash stashed in an offshore account. She breathed the free air and felt that now she had told her story, she was free to live her life finally. She had graduated and now it was time to take all she knew elsewhere and begin anew.

She smiled at the air hostesses with superiority as she navigated
her way into First Class and found her seat-cum-bed.

She stowed her hand lu
ggage and settled down with a book, eager to be with her own company and the saucy novel she had picked up in Duty Free. She opened the first page but the words stared back at her blankly. She read the first sentence and nothing sank in. She kept re-reading that first sentence over and over again, attempting to force sense from it. In truth, she had just had the shock of her life and was trying to convince herself that she was fine, it was over, and it was done. In her mind, she knew she had done the right thing. In her heart, however, she felt different. The cabin crew started shutting doors and overhead compartments, and speaking through the radios to alert everyone that the craft would soon take off.

Panic set in. Her heart raced. Oh.
Is it too late?
She felt sick and nerves forced her to start tapping her foot. Now, she was unsure. Perhaps she had acted rashly. He had raced to the airport to catch her…

She had been browsing in the cosmetics shop when he shuffled up alongside her. He was uncharacteristically shy and restrained, whispering, “Charlotte, I'm so glad I've found you.”

Noah. He reached for her hand and gently held her fingers between his own. He was trying to avoid a scene, she knew.

She looked at the floor, stunted by shock. He caught the mascara she was holding before it fell, placing it back on the shelf. Heavy globules slid down her cheeks.

“
Please don't say anything. Just listen. Hear me out, okay? Please.”

She nodded blankly, dabbing at her eyes and sniffing. He held a hand at her waist, gently reassuring her that he meant no harm.

“You look absolutely beautiful, Charlotte. You're a vision, look at you!”

But she still couldn't look at him.
Her heart was swelling so much she could hardly breathe.

“
Right, well, when you disappeared, I realised how much of a fool I had been. I was a fucking prick for not realising why you were so unhappy. I just thought that we could keep carrying on like that. I never imagined it might get complicated. I don't know. Some part of me wanted to help you be free to do what you wanted. Some part of me thought that was all we could ever hope for. I just decided that you were far stronger as you were than with a bastard like me dragging you down. I daren't hope for happiness.”

“
No‒” she started to speak, but he placed a finger on her lips, kissing her cheek. The imprint burned her face and she fought to control her emotions. Everything about him brought her alive.

“
I was so stupid not seeing what was right before my very eyes. I was hiding from how you made me feel. I was frightened, and I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I was terrified we might risk mucking it up and resenting each other. We would be left with nothing and I couldn't bear to hurt you like that. Our arrangement, in its own way, was safe. But I know, I know, we started out as a little bit of fun and fell in love. I knew how you felt. I felt the same way, but I was so terrified of hurting you, or, you becoming ill because of it, or sliding back down that slippery slope because of me. I was a damn pussy I know. When you were gone, I scoured the city, I staked the hotel. I asked around everywhere. I was inconsolable.”

“
You only want what you can't have. Just like your father.”

“
No, that's not true,” he stammered, hopping on his feet. “Please let me hold you a minute. Oh god, Charlotte…”

She shirked him away, eyes defensively fixed on the floor still.

“The detective contacted me and told me where to find you. He forfeited the fee because he felt certain we were meant to be. He and his wife reconciled.”

He looked so full of hope and excitement.

She tried to hide her delight but she couldn't.

“Listen, I divorced three years ago. Our time in Nottingham for my part was monogamous. I just didn't tell you because I thought it might put pressure on us. It was a really bitter, messy split and I let you think I was still married, but the ink was as good as dry on the divorce papers the day I met you. But it just wasn't the right time then. I only spotted the ring you wore when we were showering that first night and it was frightening that you were part of
their
world. Of all the women I could have had, you were the only one I really wanted. And yet, a part of me could not help but feel you were tainted by them… those at The Lodge. Those I detest. I was still getting over the collapse of my marriage but you…
you
. Charlotte, I have always loved you. I have. You were so… unique. You reminded me of myself when I was younger, wider-eyed and bushier-tailed. I love all of you. There's been nobody else! I even rented your old flat and stayed there whenever I was in town. You possessed me! Jesus, Charlotte, please, look at me.”

He turned her chin and she stared at him behind tears. He was a vision of bulk and masculinity swathed in love, desperation and thankfulness. There was a moment of clarity as she blinked away the tea
rs and saw his eyes soften. She embraced him immediately. He buried his nose in her hair and choked on relief.

“
Oh darling, oh,” he murmured in her ear.

He kissed her face, inch by inch,
shaking as he absorbed her unforgotten scents. The sensation of his spirit near hers was soul-churning. She threaded her fingers through his hair and their lips smacked. The familiarity was instant, calming, and yet new passion arose. A mature connection sparked between them. Hidden in a quiet section of the shop, he sought to drive her wild with those caresses he had used to make her fall in love with him. It was happening all over again and she could not bear it. They continued French kissing until breathlessness took them.

Painful remembrance hit her when they broke off. Her eyes closed, she breathed in his scent
and calmed herself down, telling him, “Noah, I remember thinking and feeling like I might never love anyone ever again. In fact, I felt entirely certain of that. I remember telling myself that what we had was only so good because it was unattainable. Unrealisable. I was unhappy for a long time before I disappeared. I didn't go on a whim. I tried to tell you. I did. But it hurt too much. So much that I knew my heart would break if I had to ask you again to be with me. To be my one and only. I didn't work for a long time after that. I pined for you too. As if with the lash, I made myself suffer for what we could never have. I knew you would always seek the thrills the Chambermaid could offer because she was an excuse to avoid commitment. I changed, but you didn't. We both knew it was only ever really good when it was just you and me. Anything else was worthless and sordid. Things changed, however. When I had your blood inside me, I felt a weight lift and then, then…”

He could sense she was talking hersel
f out of being with him, even though he knew that was what she certainly wanted. He grew fearful and desperate, but she cut him off.

“
Noah, it was my choice. I made it then. I can't go back on it. I spent so long getting over you. It hurt so badly. I can't do it again.”

He got on bended knee,
drawing her hands into his, in defeat.

“
Marry me Charlotte, I love you. I love everything about you. You can have everything I am, everything I have. You can have it all. Please. Don't leave. Even if you have to go, even then,” he sniffed, seeing she would not be persuaded, “please just stay with me for one last night. Please, let me show you how much my love has grown. Please,” he whispered, trying to find a place to bury his tears against her skirt.

“
I can't Noah. I can't. You know I deserve more. I deserve better. I realised that. She was someone I needed to be for that period of time so that I could become somebody better. And I did. I became so strong. I need someone just as strong as me, but I know that will be difficult to find. Nobody is like me.”

“
That's why I love you, Charley, I really love you. Please. I always loved you, from that very first night at the Hollis. I loved you. I loved you straight away. I always have. I only want to be yours. Nobody else's. I want you to be mine and only mine forever more.”

He was trying to overrule her again and she could not bear it. Her mind was set on leaving. She had been planning this trip for such a long time.

“What you hope for is a fantasy! You were my intellectual equal. My lover. My partner in crime. You were everything at the time. But only one was my soul mate, Alex. He was my true love. However unconventional, he was the only one who ever got me. He saw all of me and was strong enough to take me on when nobody else would. I never faced that until recently. It was a delayed reaction. To realise I had that and might never get it back… that there's not a single thing I can do about it… really is painful. So, you see, I decided that if I couldn't have someone that embodied everything I wanted, I would be better alone. The freedom the Chambermaid offered made me realise so much. It's hard to say goodbye to living such a lifestyle. It allows a detached perspective and you really start to realise what is good for you and what isn't. I know that I can't keep replacing one fix with another. I can't substitute one obsession or addiction or neuroses for something else. I have to start afresh.”

“
Alex and the Chambermaid are just excuses. They offer you a way of worming your way out of this. You're still trying to convince yourself I don't love you!”

“
I don't love you anymore,” she said, coldly. “You sent all those men to me as a test. You never truly believed I loved you. You didn't! You wanted me to prove you right. You wanted me to behave badly. You didn't see how fragile I was, beneath. You didn't see that. But, now I am strong. Now, I am disaffected. It's over.”

He
started crying.

“
I wish with every fibre of my being that I could take it all back. I do. What would it take for me to prove my love? Just tell me. I'd do it. Anything,” he insisted.

She shook her head, vehemence set in her features.

“Anything!” he shouted, drawing unwanted attention. He did not know how else he was going to get through to her.

“
It's too late,” she muttered, running her fingers through his hair one last time.

“
You haven't given it a proper chance. Now we can be together. Start fresh. Who else knows you really and truly and will love you for all that and more? Charley, please, don't walk away. I'm begging you.”

“
I have to go, Noah. I have to go. The plane is boarding, it's just been announced. Please let me go. If you love me, let me go.”

He released his grip on her body and sank on his knees into inconsolable grief, clutching at his eyes in the middle of the store. She stared at him and reconsidered but she could neither give him false hope nor endure another second of
having to watch him spiral into the pits of despair. She scuttled off quickly, shaking off her doubts, telling herself that sun, sea and peace at last awaited her.

In her seat-cum-bed, Charlotte felt a tear slip from her eye and regretted not giving him one last night. The thought of never being with Noah ever again was unbearable; him being with someone else inconceivable. Her heart ached. She closed the book and knew neither that nor anything else would offer distraction. She had been in shock at the airport, seeing him so unexpectedly like that.

Remorse began to swallow her whole so that she wanted to curl under the blankets and hide. Nausea and a sharp pain in her chest took over. She was on the edge of a panic attack.

An illusion of sorts seemed to dart between her ill thoughts and shook her from despair. Someone landed heavily in a chair next to her. The reason why she was starting afresh brought her back to life; the one true motivation to be better.

Her heart beat wildly in her chest
and she couldn't contain her smiles.
I love you, I love you
, she repeated to herself. A familiar scent reached her nostrils and a little cry broke her sadness.

“
He is ready to be fed, my darling,” a woman said.

“
Pass him here. With the blanket, yes, I can feed him underneath this.”