A Family to Be (Saddle Falls) (12 page)

Dear Josh.

He deserved to have a wonderful woman, a wonderful life, and a wonderful family more than anyone else she knew. He was the kind of man a woman dreamed about, a man who would honor and cherish any woman in his life, and their children.

Now she understood why he was so concerned, so protective about her and Baby Cakes. He hadn’t been able to protect his own child, and so he was determined to make sure he helped her protect hers.

Em’s heart softened, and all the love she’d felt for Josh over the years flowed and flourished through her veins, deepening into something far more than friendship, frightening her.

She wasn’t going to think about that fear now, or her feelings. Right now, all she wanted—needed—to do was comfort Josh.

“Josh, I guess when we think we’re in love, we all make mistakes in judgment. Look at me. I thought for certain Jack was the perfect man, the kind of man who wanted what I wanted.”

“And what did you want, Em?” Josh asked carefully.

She smiled, toying with her glass. “That’s the easy part, Josh. I wanted what your parents had. It’s true,” she said when he glanced at her in surprise. She sighed dreamily. “I always thought your parents had a perfect marriage and the perfect family.” She sighed again. “I was so envious of all of you,” she added with a laugh.

He smiled, his thoughts going back to what his brother Jared had told him this morning about Em eventually falling in love and marrying someone else. Josh had no idea why the idea bothered him so much.

“Well, nothing’s perfect, Em, but I have to agree with you. My parents’ marriage was pretty near perfect.” He could think about his parents now, and talk about them without feeling the gut-wrenching pain he once did. Now, the pain had drifted into very happy memories.

“They were always so loving, so supportive of one another. And so kind,” Em said, remembering. “Every time your dad looked at your mom his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.” Embarrassed, she flushed. “That’s what I wanted, Josh. A man who felt that way about me.”

“That’s what every woman deserves, Em,” he said with a smile. Then he sobered and asked carefully, “But Jack didn’t?”

She shook her head. “He was too busy looking at and chasing other women to even notice me.”

Furious, Josh’s face darkened and he leaned closer. “I can’t believe that man—”

“It’s over, Josh,” she said with a relieved sigh. “And I can’t say that I’m sorry about it.” She smiled slowly. “Just sorry it took me so long to realize just what kind of man he was. Or rather wasn’t,” she added, realizing that Jack couldn’t hold a candle to Josh. Not in any area.

“How did you stand it for so long, Em?” Josh asked.

She shrugged. “I kept thinking Jack would change. That eventually he’d grow up and want to settle down.” Absently, she ran a finger around the rim of her glass. “When I discovered I was pregnant, well, I thought for sure I’d finally have the husband—the family—I’d always wanted.”

“And deserved,” Josh added, wondering if Em still wanted all those things.

“But he took off so fast I’m surprised he didn’t leave skid marks.” She shook her head. “I knew he was lacking in character, but I had no idea he’d do something like that, just simply take off and abandon me and the baby without so much as a backward glance.”

His heart ached at the sadness he heard in her voice. “Oh, God, Em, I know pride alone would have prevented you from calling your father, but I still don’t understand why you didn’t call me. I would have helped you, you know that.” Josh hated the fact that she’d been at the mercy of the man she’d married. A man who should have protected her and their unborn child, instead of tossing them away like nothing more than yesterday’s newspaper.

“I know,” she admitted softly. “But Josh, there’d been so many years, so much water under the bridge.” She glanced up at him. “I didn’t know—” She shrugged. “I just didn’t know what to expect.” She didn’t want to admit to Josh that she would never have called him simply because she wanted—needed—to finally stand on her own two feet. He’d been around most of her life, picking up the shattered pieces of her heart, her life, her emotions. But she’d been a child then.

Now she was an adult, and she had to handle things on her own.

“So tell me, Em,” Josh asked carefully, his gaze never leaving hers. “What do you want now?”

“Now?” Thoughtfully, she turned to look out the window before bringing her gaze back to his. All the yearning and longings she’d had all her life, the need to have a home of our own, a real home, and a family who loved and accepted her came rushing to the surface, smothering her in a wash of aching sadness. She looked at him and tried to smile, but couldn’t quite pull it off. The yearning inside was suddenly too strong, too deep, consuming her.

“What I want now, Josh,” she said softly. “Is peace. Just some peace, stability and security. I guess I’ve been looking—searching—for a home my whole life. Well, at least since Mama died,” she added. Her voice hitched, then broke. With anyone else she would have been embarrassed, but this was Josh, and she had no reason to be embarrassed. If anyone would understand, he would. Absently, she swiped at her tears, feeling a profound sadness for the lonely little girl she’d been, and the terrified young woman she’d become.

But that was in the past, she realized proudly. She’d done what she needed to do, and would make no apologies to anyone. She’d changed and grown in these months since she’d learned she was about to become a mother. Changed into a self-sufficient, self-reliant, mature adult capable of taking care of herself and her child without anyone else’s help. And she couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of pride in her accomplishments for the first time in her life.

“I’m going to make a home for myself, Josh, and for my baby.” She smiled, but her lips trembled. “A real home, filled with love and laughter, security and stability. My baby is never going to feel unloved or unwanted, nor is she ever going to feel like she’s a disappointment to me, the way I always did with Daddy.” She had to swallow the lump in her throat. “I’m never going to allow myself to depend on anyone ever again to give me the things I need to be happy.” She glanced down at the table, her vision blurred from tears. “I finally learned that you can’t expect someone else to love you unless you love yourself.” Her smile was thin. “And I’m learning, Josh. And I’m trying to forgive myself for allowing Jack to do to me what he did.” There was so much shame over what she’d allowed her husband to do to her in the name of love.

“It wasn’t your fault, Em,” Josh said softly.

“Yes, it was,” she admitted. “It was all my fault. I was so desperate to get away from Daddy, so desperate to have someone truly love me, to feel like I truly belonged somewhere—anywhere—that I didn’t look before I leaped. Because I thought I loved Jack, it blinded me to everything else. Loving him made me lose all sense of judgment. I can’t ever let that happen again, Josh. I can’t ever put myself, or more importantly, my baby at risk like that. Not for a man, not for anyone.” And she thought sadly, especially not for love.

She swiped her eyes, then swallowed before continuing. “I never want Baby Cakes to know her father didn’t want her, Josh. Not ever. I’m going to love her enough so it won’t ever matter that she doesn’t have her father around. I’ll be both parents to her, anything and everything she needs. And I’m going to love her more than any baby has ever been loved.” Em touched her belly, closing her eyes and saying a small prayer of thanks for the miracle she’d been given—the miracle of her child.

Josh sat there for a moment, just watching Em, his calm, quiet eyes going over her beautiful features, knowing that at this moment, he’d never felt closer or more connected to anyone.

He thought about Jared’s words again and couldn’t imagine, couldn’t even conceive of any man feeling any closer to Em or her baby. “Em, do you know what I want?”

“No,” she said with a smile, resting her chin on her hand. “I don’t. But I imagine you’re going to tell me?”

“Em,” he said slowly. “What I want is for you to marry me.”

S
tunned, for long silent moments Em merely stared at Josh, his words reverberating over and over in her mind as her heart fluttered wildly, hopefully inside her chest.

“Josh,” she demanded finally, unaware that her voice had risen loud enough to attract the attention of nearby diners. “Are you drunk?”

With a laugh, he held up his empty glass, glancing at the nearby guests who were practically leaning out of their chairs in an effort to hear their conversation. “Not after only one glass of wine, Em.”

“Sick, then?” she asked hopefully, reaching across the table to lay a hand to his forehead. If he was sick, even a bit feverish, perhaps that would explain his strange behavior. If he was a bit delusional from fever,
that
would even be better,
that
she could understand. Maybe.

He laughed again, capturing her hand and bringing it to her mouth for a gentle kiss. She refused to acknowledge the fact that her pulse sped up and her blood heated. “No, Em, I’m not sick, either.”

Totally shocked and confused, Em shook her head, trying to make some sense out of this. “Josh, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand,” she admitted, her gaze searching his frantically.

His proposal had come out of the blue, taking her by surprise, stunning her so that she had a hard time thinking, let alone speaking.

She couldn’t even begin to comprehend where on earth his question had come from. More importantly, she couldn’t begin to fathom why on earth Josh had asked
her
to marry him.

Years ago, she would have given anything to have Josh want to marry him, but that was then. This was now.

Her situation and circumstances were totally, completely different. She was a different person then. And so was he.

Looking at him carefully, she could see the mischief lurking in those glorious blue eyes and her temper begin to simmer. She knew him well enough to know this wasn’t a casual question; no, marriage was far too serious and important to Josh Ryan to just foolishly pop it on someone. Even her.

For a Ryan, marriage was a sacred vow, meant to last a lifetime. It wasn’t something they took lightly.

So what on earth was Josh up to? she wondered, narrowing her gaze on him as she considered all the possibilities.

He must have planned this, she thought. He must have some plan in mind, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked her to marry him. Not serious Josh Ryan who’d vowed never to risk loving anyone ever again.

A dawning thought had her scowl deepening. He was up to something. Again. She just knew it! Something in his determination to protect the poor pregnant single mom who clearly didn’t have enough sense to protect herself. The thought had her temper simmering just below the surface.

“What’s to understand, Em?” he asked with a careless shrug of his shoulders, clearly not seeing anything wrong with his out-of-the blue question. He was trying hard not to be offended by her response, but he would have felt better had she been just a little happy about it, instead of acting as if he had just told her he was about to abscond with the contents of her purse.

“Why on earth would you ask me to marry you?” she demanded.

He shrugged, fingering the rim of his empty wine glass. “Why not?”

“Oh, my word,” Em muttered. Just what every woman wanted to hear when a man asked her to marry him! Fearing she might do or say something she’d regret, Em dropped her napkin to the table and yanked her hand free so she could stand up.

“Josh,” she said, desperately trying to hang on to her temper. “Would you please take me home?”

“Sure.” With ease, Josh stood up, pushed in his chair, then took her elbow, guiding her through the restaurant to the elevator that would take them right to the underground garage.

“You know,” he whispered into her ear as he led her out of the elevator toward his car, making a shiver race the length of her. “I don’t ask a woman to marry me every day of the week.” He grinned down at her, wondering what she was scowling about.

“Well, I suppose that’s something to be thankful for,” she snapped. She started going in one direction while he went another. Turning her by her elbow, he took her along with him.

“I mean it’s not like you’ve got to stand in line and take a number like at the butcher,” he said, making her come to a halt and glance at him wildly.

“A number?” she repeated. “Like at the butcher? Ugh!” Grinding her teeth, Em continued walking, not certain she was going in the right direction.

“Em.”

“What!”

He took her elbow, trying not to laugh. “You’re…uh…going the wrong way again. The car’s over here.” Still holding on to her for fear she’d storm off, he turned her down another aisle, earning a scathing look from her. Deliberately, he slowed his steps to accommodate her shorter legs. He was trying to make light of the situation, but she apparently wasn’t interested if that scowl on her face was any indication.

“Even though I don’t have much experience at this, Em, it seems to me that when a man asks you to marry him, you’re not supposed to get mad at him.”

“Mad?” she repeated, trying not to grind her teeth together. Mad wouldn’t even begin to cover what she was feeling. “No woman wants to feel as if a man’s asking her to marry him simply because marriage is the lesser of two evils. Or a fate worse then death,” she added.

“Well, I didn’t quite mean to make it come off that way,” he admitted.

“Well, you failed,” she said, making him laugh. “Miserably.”

He stopped to unlock her car door. She stopped with him. “Em?”

“What?” She forced herself to look up at him, then saw those incredible blue eyes and felt that yearning deep in her heart, a yearning that had her knees shaking, annoying her.

“Baby Cakes needs a father,” he said softly, making her gaze narrow. So that was it! Now she understood. This had nothing to do with her at all, nothing to do with his feelings for
her,
and everything to do with what he
thought
her baby needed.

Em wanted to scream in frustration. Josh didn’t really want to marry
her,
he was asking her out of some misguided sense of duty he felt toward the baby.

She sighed, wishing she could start this evening all over again, wishing it didn’t hurt to know Josh had asked her to be his wife, not because he loved her or wanted to be with her, but because he wanted to make sure her baby had a father.

Her emotions tangled, and she was torn between her own hurt pride and heart, and an overwhelming rush of love for him for caring about her child so very much.

But she certainly wasn’t about to marry him simply because he thought her baby needed a father.

“Josh,” she began carefully, forcing herself to take a deep breath, “plenty of children grow up without a father and do quite well. Studies have shown that single mothers are quite capable of raising happy, healthy children on their own.” When she reached for the door handle, he covered her hand to stop her and she sighed, closing her eyes and praying for patience. “Josh,” she said, turning to him. “Baby Cakes
has
a father. That’s how I got pregnant in the first place, remember?”

“No,” he said firmly, placing his hands on either side of the car, basically pinning her in so he could look down into her gorgeous—albeit furious—face. “Jack is not a father, Em, he was merely a sperm donor. It takes a lot more to make a father, Em. A lot more.” The moment the words were out, he realized his mistake. Tears flooded her eyes and slipped unheeded down her cheeks as she merely stared at him, absorbing the verbal blow.

“Em, I’m sorry.” Blowing out a breath, Josh shook his head. This wasn’t turning out exactly how he’d planned. “I didn’t mean that quite the way it sounded.”

Sniffling, she took the handkerchief he offered and wiped her eyes. Em took a slow, deep breath, trying to get her emotions under control, not trusting herself to speak until she did.

“It’s the truth, Josh,” she admitted, forcing herself to look at him. “Jack was little more than…a sperm donor,” she repeatedly softly, tears shimmering again. “I can’t and won’t make excuses for him.” He didn’t deserve anything from her, not excuses, not sympathy and especially not her forgiveness.

Jack had made a conscious choice to walk away from her and their baby. It was his decision to abandon his unborn child. She’d not make excuses for such behavior. Ever. It wasn’t her style.

She fully believed you weren’t an adult until you accepted responsibility for your actions. She had a feeling she would be an old woman before Jack Bowen ever took responsibility for anything or anyone. Unfortunately, neither she nor the baby had the time to wait. So she’d had to be responsible enough for both of them.

“And you shouldn’t have to make excuses for him, Em.” Josh touched her face, hating the pain he saw in her eyes, knowing another man had carelessly put that pain there.

Josh’s fists clenched impotently and he wished he had Jack Bowen alone for just a few minutes. He imagined the man wouldn’t be so brave picking on someone his own size.

“I won’t ever excuse his behavior, Josh.” She shook her head. “I can’t. What he did…” Her voice trailed off. “It’s done now, Josh, and I’ve tried to go on, tried to make the best of a bad situation.”

“You have, Em. You’ve been remarkable,” he said. “Not many women would have been able to handle what you handled, and still stand upright and keep going, never letting anything get to them.” His gaze caressed her beautiful face and he wondered if she knew how much he admired her, respected her for all that she’d done and been through. His heart simply filled whenever he thought about her, about the kind of woman she was, the kind of mother she’d be.

“Thank you, Josh,” she said with a sniffle and a watery smile. “That means a lot coming from you.”

“Em, I’m sorry,” he whispered, cupping her chin in his hand so she was forced to look at him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Feeling guilty, Josh just wanted to gather her in his arms and hold her until her tears stopped and her heart stopped aching. He knew her well enough to know she was hurting inside, and doing her best to hide it. And it just made every protective instinct he’d ever have grow and strengthen.

She shrugged, crumbling his hanky in her hand and pushing a tumble of curls off her face. “Sometimes the truth hurts, Josh.” She sighed, leaning against the car. She was suddenly so weary, she realized. Just so unbearably weary.

“Em, I want you to think about something. What are you going to tell Baby Cakes when she’s old enough to start asking questions? When she wants to know who her father is, and more importantly where he is? And what are you going to say when she asks why her father isn’t with her like all the other kid’s fathers?”

Wearily, Em shook her head. “I…I don’t know Josh,” she admitted honestly. “I…I…haven’t thought that far ahead.” She’d been so concerned with the here and now, so consumed with just surviving day by day, she hadn’t really thought that far ahead, hadn’t really thought about the future, or life after the baby was born. Nor had she thought about what she would say, what kind of answers she would give when her child was old enough to start asking questions, questions Em knew she might not be able to answer.

How on earth could she tell her precious baby girl that her own father didn’t want her? Em swallowed hard against the flush of fresh tears, her heart aching in a way it hadn’t since she was a child.

She knew firsthand how it would hurt, knowing your own father didn’t love or want you. Hadn’t she lived with the pain most of her life from her own father?

Em shook her head, feeling overwhelmed and slightly panicked. She would never, ever admit such a thing to her child, never deliberately hurt her; and Em knew that the truth would hurt her child, crush her heart and her spirit and make her feel as if there was something inherently wrong with
her
that her own father didn’t love or want her.

How could she do that to her own precious baby?

She couldn’t, Em realized. No matter what, she would never, ever tell her daughter about Jack or his actions. Not ever.

Not to protect Jack; he deserved no protection. But to protect Baby Cakes.

Em sighed wearily, lifting a hand to rub her temple where a tension headache had started. She honestly thought she could do this herself. Honestly thought she had a handle on things. That she could love the baby enough so that her child wouldn’t miss having a father. Now, she wasn’t so sure and it scared the daylights out of her.

“Em, look, I know you probably haven’t had much time to give any thought to the future and what you’ll tell Baby Cakes when she’s old enough to start asking questions. But Em I have, and Baby Cakes needs—deserves—a father. Every kid does. Baby Cakes deserves a father who loves her, cares about her, who is there for her and spends time with her.” Josh took a deep breath. “Baby Cakes needs me, Em,” he finished softly. “I love her already.”

“Oh, Josh.” She wasn’t going to cry. She simply wasn’t, but she did. A soft sob escaped her and she gave in to it, letting Josh pull her into his arms to hug her tight.

“Don’t cry, Em,” he whispered, tenderly stroking her back, savoring the warmth and feel of her.

“I’m not crying,” she insisted with a sniffle.

“Yes, I can see that you’re not crying,” he teased, leaning back to look at her.

She glanced up at him, saw all the things she’d never expected. Love. Concern. Caring. She wanted to cry harder. How could he care so much for her precious baby when Baby Cakes’s own father didn’t care one whit about her?

If Em wasn’t already in love with Josh, she realized with a soggy sigh, after tonight she would have been.

And there was no point in denying it. But because she
knew
she was in love with him, she wasn’t going to marry him.

She simply couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to Josh, who deserved more than a marriage for convenience’s sake.

He didn’t love
her,
she reminded herself, ignoring the searing pain in her heart. And he deserved to have a wife he loved, not one who was just a friend.