A Fallen Woman (28 page)

The brief
conversation had left Rachel with a heavy heart. Family arguments
were never easy and Charity seemed bound and determined on this
particular visit to voice her opinions as loudly as possible,
despite the fact that nobody was willing to listen. She was not
normally so strident and Rachel wondered what it was that had set
the silly female off. More than that, she wondered why she had not
given Charity the assurance she so fervently desired. An
unwillingness to cede anything to the woman was the obvious answer
but she had a sneaking suspicion that there was a part of her that
did not wish to completely close the door on a life she found
herself longing for, with a man she desperately wanted to
kiss.

‘I am
such a fool!’

With a sigh,
she rang for her maid so that she might change.

The ride was invigorating but Rachel did not enjoy it as
much as she usually did. There was no opportunity to speak to
Worsley private
ly, which was irksome. When they returned it was time for
luncheon. After that, she went in search of the earl, unwilling to
postpone their discussion any further. She found him emerging from
her father’s study and paused. Worsley had been talking to Papa
privately, it seemed. It did not take a great deal of thought to
know what that talk had been about.

Worsley caught sight of her and smiled. It was, she was
forced to concede, a particularly nice smile, starting
slow
ly and
spreading across his face until it lit up his eyes.

‘
Miss Sheridan,’ he said, voice low and warm. ‘Just the person
I wished to see.’

He must have asked Papa for my hand. Dear heavens…
She lifted her chin.
‘I wished to see you too. We must talk.’

‘
Certainly. Shall we find somewhere private?’

A private conversation would be both good
and
bad but she really
did not want any witnesses. ‘I think that would be
best.’

She led
him to a small parlor that was cold, no fire burning in the hearth
as it was rarely used. As soon as the door was closed – and before
he could say a word – she turned to face him. ‘I cannot marry
you!’

He paused, then
shook his head ruefully. ‘You could at least wait until I ask you
formally before refusing me. At least you let me get so far last
time.’

Last
time… The memory of Worsley, a little younger, face eager and full
of confidence, came back to her. She was refusing him again, but
this time for an entirely different reason. The first time she had
believed herself in love with another man. This time there was no
such self-delusion. This time, were it not for the fact that she
had no desire to ruin a perfectly good man, she would have said yes
without hesitation.

‘
There is no point,’ she replied wretchedly. ‘Truly, I cannot
let you do this.’

He moved
closer. Taking her restive hands in his own, he held them firmly.
Tilting her head to look into his face, she left them there. For
the moment.

‘I think
I know my own mind, Rachel. Indeed, since coming to Thorncroft I
have learned to listen to my heart again. In three days you have
reminded me of feelings I thought I had successfully interred
forever. I have to say, I feel liberated, letting them see the
light of day again. I love you,’ he added simply. ‘I suppose I
never stopped loving you. Under the circumstances it would be
madness if I did not ask you to spend the rest of your life with
me. The only thing that can alter that is if you tell me that you
cannot bring yourself to care for me in return.’ He looked into her
eyes. ‘Can you tell me that, Rachel?’

It was an
escape. All she needed to do was lie and he would release her
hands, step back and that would be the end of it. All she had to do
was tell him that she could never bring herself to care for
him…

‘
I cannot,’ she admitted, voice low. ‘But it makes no
difference. You may not be prepared to step away from ruin but I
must make you.’

‘
Even if it causes me unhappiness?’ he murmured, moving a
little closer.

She
stared up at him, wide eyed. She knew she should step away but this
close, she could feel the warmth of him, catch the scent of
something that was tantalizingly male. Her better self urged her to
move. But a far more persuasive part demanded she stand right where
she was.

‘
Worsley-’

‘
Do you think you could call me Nash?’

Nash… ‘I do not
think we should be…’ Should be what? Her thoughts were becoming
more scrambled with every passing minute.

He was going to
kiss her.

She was going
to let him.

When his head came down she shut her eyes
instinctively.
His lips were warm against hers, gentle to begin with but
becoming more ardent as the kiss deepened. Rachel felt every part
of herself softening; her lips, her mouth, her very being. Heat
spread through her, melting places she had not even realized were
frosted over. Blindly, she raised a hand to grip his shoulders,
feet no longer certain beneath her. His arms came around to hold
her, pressing her close to his long, well-muscled body, holding her
up as he held her close. Rachel had never suspected that she could
feel the sensations that flooded through her. Everything either
tingled or burned or ached and she would have cried out with the
wonder of it, if it had not been for the fact that his mouth held
her own captive.

It was the sweetest surprise when he urged her lips open
and his tongue, warm and seductive, slid into her mouth. She had
not believed that her body could burn more fiercely, but it
di
d. That
simple act made her senses sing, all the while craving something
more, something deeper. The room, the world, disappeared beneath a
dizzying onslaught of pleasure.

When he finally raised his head
, it took some time for the world to
swim back into focus. She felt oddly lethargic and yet strangely
energized. More than that, she felt a sense of yearning and a
strong desire to repeat the experience immediately.

Dear God…

Rachel
fixed her eyes on Worsley’s face. He was smiling but she was
relieved to note that he looked a little stunned, as if he had not
been expecting to generate so much heat with a kiss.

‘
Remind me again why you do not wish to marry me?’

Just at that
moment, she was incapable of anything of the kind. She realized,
vaguely, that she was still leaning against him and could only
imagine what kind of expression was on her face. With an effort,
she straightened her tingling body and forced herself to move away
from him. Nothing could be achieved while he was so close.

‘
I…’ she paused, swallowed and moistened her lips. Salinger’s
kisses had never effective her like that! ‘That was…’

Rachel couldn’t
think what that was. Extraordinary seemed to best describe it.

‘
Wondrous. I think that might be the word you are looking for.
Marry me, Rachel and we can experience wondrous every day of our
life together.’

The words brought tears to her eyes. She wanted to say yes,
dear Lord how she wanted to! If that kiss had been any indication,
she and Worsley would deal very well together in that most
intimate
of
places, the marital bedchamber. How many young women had felt a
measure of trepidation when approaching her wedding night? But that
kiss had convinced her that anything further she and the earl might
explore together could only bring her pleasure.

She
should never have let him kiss her. Now she would have a lifetime
to regret it.

‘I cannot marry you! Only consider… your family, your
friends. People would
cut
you, my lord.’

‘
I think you are exaggerating but even if you are not, I don’t
care,’ he returned with perfect equanimity. ‘I really do care very
little for the opinion of most people. And those whose opinion I do
care about I am certain would support me.’

‘In all
conscience, how could they? Have you considered your children? Your
heir?’ she continued on desperately. ‘It is not just about the two
of us, my lord. You are asking me to cast a shadow on any children
we might have!’

He shook his head. ‘If I have learned anything over the
past days, Rachel, it is that a strong family full of love is a
good deal more necessary to a child than whatever external forces
are at work. And do you truly think old scandals could touch them?
Your mother
told me that you had a singular determination not to have
an adverse effect on those around you. I can see that it is
true.’

‘
You have spoken to Mama about this?’

‘
I have spoken to both your parents.’ He arched an eyebrow. ‘As
is only proper when one is angling to secure permission to
marry.’

Of course
her parents had said yes. Dear heavens, they had probably
encouraged his foolishness for they refused to see that their
daughter could not have the life they had always dreamed she would
have.

‘They’re wrong.
You’re
wrong,’ she snapped.

‘
Everybody is wrong but you?’

‘Yes!’ She paused, fighting for the words to make him see
but it was pointless. Whatever else he had matured into, the Earl
of Worsley was a stubborn man.
Some would say the same thing about
you
, a small
voice within murmured. But she understood better than those who
cared about her. The dance, Charity… the attitudes of people were
the things that defined Society. If one earned its enmity, there
was usually no going back. Not for a woman such as she, anyway. She
drew a deep breath. ‘You have done me a great courtesy in making me
an offer, Sir, but you know I cannot accept. And while you might
not understand now, at some time I believe you will thank me for
refusing you.’

‘I doubt that,’ he observed dryly. ‘You are wrong, Rachel.
We are both more than capable of facing the future together.
I
will
marry you, my girl. And one day, you will thank me for
doing so.’

He was
impossible. This conversation was impossible. Turning from him, she
hurried towards the door lest he start to make sense and she began
to believe him.

He will be
gone soon and then all this will be over. I can go back to sleeping
my life away. He will be gone soon. And my heart will undoubtedly
break.

But broken
hearts mended, in time. The same could not be said for
reputations.

She spent
the rest of the day alternately sewing in her room by the fire or
playing nonsense games with Liza (although who was most in need of
distraction was impossible to say). The house seemed peculiarly
quiet after the excitement of the past few days. Dinner was a staid
affair, the newlyweds having emerged to share the meal, although
they were in a world of their own. Charity seemed to be in a
particularly vile mood, although James was unusually cheerful, an
odd counterpoint to his unpleasant wife. Rachel tried to avoid
looking at Worsley, horribly conscious of that kiss they had shared
and the conversation that had followed. He had not tried to see her
again and perversely, she was irked by the fact. She did not
believe he had given up, but it would have been gratifying if she
could have reiterated her refusal. After they had shared one more
kiss, perhaps.

These
kinds of thought were dangerous, she knew that. Thinking about the
earl’s kiss was a dangerous pastime and, over and over again, she
alternately comforted herself or fretted over the fact that his
time at Thorncroft was nearly over. After dinner they played a
desultory game of cards but for the most part people were happy to
retire early.

Rachel
went up to her room, far from happy with the way the day had gone.
She felt more downhearted than she had in a long time. Having
readied herself for bed, she stilled when she heard a soft knock on
the door. Could it be…? But no, he would not be so foolish as to
come to her bedchamber.

Even so, her voice was not
quite steady when she called out.
‘Yes?’

Her mother came
in, carrying a cup. ‘I have brought you a warm drink to help you
sleep.’

Rachel doubted
there was a warm drink on earth that would accomplish that but she
took it anyway. ‘Thank you, Mama.’

She was
half expecting her mother to try and persuade her to accept
Worsley’s offer but, rather surprisingly, she said nothing about
it. ‘Drink it up,’ she said cheerfully. ‘And let me see you into
bed. You are looking a little peaky, my dear. I am worried that the
past few days have been too much for you.’

‘I am al
l right,’ Rachel protested, but she climbed into bed all
the same and sipped the warm chocolate while her mother spoke about
inconsequential things. Extraordinarily, after only a short time,
Rachel felt her eyes grow heavy. Her mother took the cup from her
and set it on the bedside table, pulling the covers up as Rachel
slid down in the bed.

‘
Sleep, my darling. And always remember, your father and I love
you very much.’

‘
I love you too, Mama,’ Rachel replied drowsily.

She did love
her family very much. And Worsley too. Which was a disaster. To
love Worsley.