A Fairly Honourable Defeat (40 page)

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Authors: Iris Murdoch

BOOK: A Fairly Honourable Defeat
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‘Hello, my dear—’
A voice replied. ‘Oh—Rupert—’ The voice was Morgan’s.
Simon pressed his hands against his mouth, against his eyes.
‘Rupert, forgive me—I’m so moved—it’s so awfully strange, seeing you again now—with everything different—’
‘Don’t worry, my child. There’s nothing to worry about. Let’s sit down on these two chairs, shall we? They don’t appear to be exhibits.’
‘I can’t help being—surprised—I never for a moment expected—’
‘These things do take one by surprise, my dear.’
‘Everything seems changed.’
‘Change must be endured too. But we are still the same two people. And we have known each other a long time.’
‘Yes, that is so important, isn’t it. I knew you’d be wise and sensible about it. You are so wise about everything.’
‘It’s not easy to be wise in a situation like this.’
‘If any man could be it would be you.’
‘You see, my dear, I don’t underestimate its gravity.’
‘Good heavens, neither do I! Oh Rupert, I’m so touched—you’re so sweet to me—’
‘How did you expect me to be? One mustn’t get excited. One mustn’t run away either, must one? You agree about not running away?’
‘Yes, I do. I’ve thought about it a lot. It would be such a
blank
thing to do. Rupert, you haven’t told Hilda about this?’
‘No. And I won’t. It’s better not.’
‘Yes. Better not. Though I feel—Oh Rupert, it will be
all right
won’t it? I don’t want anyone to be hurt. You, Hilda—’
‘I don’t see why anyone should be hurt, my dear, if we just keep our heads. I suppose it’s bound to be a bit painful—just now. But you see there can’t be any drama, there simply can’t be. We have always been fond of each other, Morgan, and we know each other well—’
‘I hope we’ll know each other better.’
‘So do I. As I see it, it’s not a matter of going
round
love, it’s a matter of going
through
love—through to a better love—much more sober, much more realistic. Nothing awful can happen.’
‘You don’t see it as just a momentary thing, do you, Rupert? I feel—after seeing you in this new light—I couldn’t bear to go back to how things were before—well, I
couldn’t.
’
‘I know. I couldn’t either. And I’m sure it isn’t momentary, Morgan. It’s sincere and deep. Pay it that compliment.’
‘About going through, not round, yes, yes, how absolutely right you are. Thank heavens you’re so calm about it, Rupert! I thought you would be when we actually met. Rupert, let’s get out of here, out into the open air. I have a slightly eerie feeling in this room. Look, let’s walk along to the Park, shall we? You don’t have to go back to the office?’
‘Not yet. Yes, let’s go to the Park. There’s plenty of time.’
The chairs creaked and the footsteps receded. For some time Simon had felt Julius’s shoulder shuddering. Now there was a low gurgling sound. Julius was laughing, his fingers stuffed into his mouth. He fell off the packing case onto the floor. ‘Oh beautiful!’
‘Sssh!’
‘It’s all right, Simon, they’ve gone. We can emerge.’
Simon opened the Robert Adam door and they came out blinking into the bright light of Room 14. Julius sat down on one of the vacated chairs and continued to laugh quietly, moaning into his handkerchief. Simon secured the door again and dusted down his suit. He felt dizzy with emotion and a kind of nausea. He could hardly believe what he had heard. It had the quality of a bad dream, horribly immediate and clear and yet insane. Morgan and Rupert. There was something terrible here, dangerous, painful. Confusedly he recognized a feeling of jealousy. Rupert and
Morgan.
Morgan and
Rupert.
He sat down heavily on the other chair. ‘But Julius, however did you know—?’
‘Let’s go to your office,’ said Julius, calming himself at last. ‘Exquisite, oh exquisite!’
In Simon’s tiny office Julius occupied the only chair. Simon sat on the desk.
‘Julius, it was
awful
to listen to that conversation,
awful.
It was a
demon
thing to do. How did you know about Rupert and Morgan and that they’d be meeting there? And what was it all about? Are they really in love with each other?’
Julius looked at his watch. ‘Give them another half hour!’ He began to laugh again, taking off his glasses and wiping the tears from his eyes. ‘Didn’t I promise you a capital puppet show? Aren’t you pleased?’
‘No,’ said Simon. ‘I’m not. I still don’t understand. Will you please explain?’
‘Tut, tut, dear boy. No one will be hurt. As I told you, it’s just a midsummer enchantment, with two asses!’
‘But how did you know?’
‘It was curiously convenient, wasn’t it? I just couldn’t resist hearing that conversation. Wasn’t it
deliciously
high-minded?’
‘But how did you—? Why did they—?’
‘Never mind the details, my pet. Call it magic if you like.’
‘But you can’t have
arranged
it.’
‘Oh I have done very little. They will do the rest.’
‘But they—I could see that they—but I couldn’t really understand what they were talking about.’
‘I don’t blame you! They didn’t understand what they were talking about themselves!’
‘What do you
mean?
’
‘Sssh, keep your voice down, you are getting quite shrill. You see, each of them imagines that he has inspired a grand passion in the other. Each thinks the other is madly in love! Thus each will take the initiative instead of drawing back. Each will chivalrously imagine that he protects and elevates the other! Thus chivalry and vanity will lead them deeper in!’
‘But why do they think that? How—?’
‘Quiet, quiet, my child. Scarcely a device at all, chance could have done it. And by the time they discover, if they ever do, they will be completely involved with each other. They are ripe, oh they are ripe!’
‘Julius, you haven’t explained, just what—’
‘Come, come. See how funny it is. There they were, pussyfooting round each other, full of tact and sympathy and consideration and unctuous nothings. “You are so wise” and “We must go through to a higher love” and so on! They will never talk straight to each other, they haven’t that kind of honesty, and they are both such
gentlemen!
Oh the refined and lofty muddle they will get themselves into!’
‘But they love each other—’
‘Can such beings love? Vanity not love conducts their feet. Each of them is thrilled and flattered at being an object of worship. That is all their love would probably amount to in any case.’
‘But this is
all wrong,
’ cried Simon. He held his head in his hands and shook it. ‘We mustn’t let it happen. What about Hilda—what about—’
‘Don’t worry. I will undo the enchantment later. No one will be seriously hurt. Two very conceited persons will be sadder and wiser, that’s all.’
‘It
can’t
be right to deceive people like that. Anyway how do you know—’
‘But they deceive themselves! They are having an absolutely wonderful time at this very moment in the Park!’
‘Well, I won’t stand for it,’ said Simon. He felt confused and wretched. If only he didn’t feel
jealous
as well. The idea of Rupert and Morgan—But it was all too nightmarish and beastly. It must be made to go away.
‘And what would you propose to do, my pet?’
‘I don’t know. Tell everybody—’
‘Tell them what? No, no, it’s already too late for telling, things have gone too far. And you’re not going to tell Axel either. Axel would behave like a blunt instrument.’
‘Maybe we need a blunt instrument!’
‘Now just think for a moment. How would those two feel if Axel came blundering round trying to sort them out? How would they feel if any outsider pushed his way into that deliciously delicate and private situation? Imagine the humiliation, the hurt vanity! Ouf!’
‘But they’ll be hurt, anyway, you said yourself—’
‘Not so much. They’ll gain a little experience. It will all unravel quite painlessly, you’ll see. Any revelations now would just be senseless and ugly. Let them have their little drama, their little dance together. Let them work the machine themselves. They’ll feel the better for it afterwards, even if they are a bit let down!’
‘You can’t play with people like that.’
‘Why shouldn’t they be educated? They’re keen enough on educating others, at least Rupert is.’
‘But that doesn’t make it right to—’
‘Enough, enough. Listen Simon, did you tell Axel about what happened that day at my flat, when you were so delightfully deprived of your clothes?’
‘No.’
‘Good boy, you’re learning. And you won’t tell Axel about this either.’
‘I will! I must tell Axel! I don’t know what to do!’
‘I’ll tell you what to do. No, no, you’ll keep quiet, Simon my boy. If you tell Axel—’
‘Well, what?’
‘I shall inform Axel that you have been making advances to me!’
‘But I haven’t!’
‘Haven’t you?’
Julius was smiling amiably, tilting his chair back, intent on cleaning his glasses with a blue silk handkerchief.
‘Julius, you know perfectly well—’
‘What do I know? Didn’t you hold my hand just now when we were sitting in our little stage box?’
‘You held mine!’
‘What’s the difference?’
Simon felt a flood of panic. He was blushing, breathless.
‘You
couldn’t
do that—tell Axel—it would be—’
‘Why of course I won’t! And you’ll keep quiet too, and not spoil things, won’t you? If you reflect, you’ll see it’s far better. Make no mistake, dear Simon. If I chose to I could destroy your relationship with Axel very easily. No need even to tell falsehoods. A few jokes about your interest in me—for you
are
interested in me, Simon, and you can’t deny it—would be quite enough. A few idle speculations, a few obscure references, nothing to be taken seriously of course. The poison would lodge and work. And the funny thing is that you would help! You would feel guilty and act guilty! Surely you realize how close Axel is to seeing you as a vulgar little flirt? And he’s an extremely jealous man, as you know.’
Simon was trembling. With an uncanny accuracy Julius had laid his finger upon the very quality of his secret fears. Axel might indeed see him, might see him at any moment, as a vulgar flirt. It was unjust, unjust, unjust. But how unutterably precarious his world was, how precarious and how frail!
‘You see, Simon, as in the case of the two enchanted donkeys whom we overheard just now, one has only to set the machinery going, and then it runs.’
‘All right,’ said Simon. ‘I won’t tell Axel.’ He pressed his hands to his burning cheeks.
‘You are wise, little one. Let me give you some advice, Simon, may I? I don’t want to upset your little applecart, but it grieves me to see you so full of illusions. Human loves don’t last, Simon, they are far too egoistic. You seem to imagine that your romance with Axel will last forever, yet just now you were prepared to believe that the tiniest strain would break it. Your fears are juster than your hopes, I am afraid. At present you think you are happy knuckling under to Axel and giving way to his moods and his ill-tempers. But human beings cannot live without power any more than they can live without water. Of course the weak can often rule the strong through nagging and sulking and spite. You choose at present to give in. But every time you give in you notice it. Later perhaps you will make Axel’s life a misery. Then gradually the balance will tilt. You will get tired of being Axel’s lapdog. You are not at all monogamous really, my dear Simon. You miss your adventures, you know you do. And you will find out one day that you want to play Axel to some little Simon. The passage of time brings about these shifts automatically, especially in relationships of your kind. You are not at the beginning of a long marriage, my Simon, you are at the beginning of a series of love affairs of an entirely different sort. I don’t say this to discourage you, but simply out of kindness so that you should not suffer too great a disappointment later on.’
‘Get out,’ said Simon.
‘Axel will soon be putting on weight. Have you thought of that? Have you ever seen a picture of Axel’s father? Axel will soon lose that lean ascetic look which you prize so much. Will you still care for Axel when he looks like an elderly teddy bear?’
‘Get out.’
Julius got up, still smiling. ‘Come, don’t be out of temper with me just because I have told you the truth. I like you, Simon. I liked you from the moment when you said that Tallis ought not to have taken my hand. Well, I will go, since I see you are upset. It would be nice to have you fetching and carrying. But perhaps things are better as they are. In a purely spiritual sense I am, like lucky Alphonse, always in the middle. Good-bye, dear boy, and remember to keep that pretty mouth shut, eh?’

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