A Dinner Of Herbs (98 page)

Newcastle, aye.

Durham, aye. Carlisle, yes. I would have loved to visit Edinburgh. And it’s only a few years now since

I stopped me self dreaming, knowing there was no purpose in it. But I used to long to go off, just walk

out and go off. Do you know, I can understand young Frag. Oh, yes, I can understand him all right.

There’s something in one when you’re young that makes you want to bolt for it, like a

foal, you don’t

want to be tied. And in my case that urge went on till. oh’—he shook his head ‘four or five years ago.

“Why didn’t you do something about it then?”

“I nearly did. At one time I nearly did. Then Gabriel pipped me. It was when he decided to go and

join Hugh. He had the feeling too. He said as much to me.

“What future,” he said, “is there for me here? Dad won’t let the reins go until he draws his last breath.

And then there’ll be you, John. And I’m not like Tom, I don’t want to marry a farm.”

That’s what he

said.

And where did that leave me? Could I walk out then? Tom gone, Hugh gone, Gabriel

gone, Kate

gone, Florrie gone. What was there left? You, Maggie, for indoors, and me for outdoors.

And although

Terry was able to do a day’s work then, things pile up on me. And remember the two

hands we got one

after the other but they wouldn’t stick Dad? So, I ask you, could I get up and go? I made the best of it.

This was my life, I thought; when Dad eventually goes, the farm will be mine, that’ll be some

compensation. When Willy came things were a lot easier. I began to feel settled. Well, I told myself,

there was nothing else for it. Although in between times there was Betty Pringle and

Mary Braithwaite.

Did Mam welcome either of them? No. But it didn’t matter very much. Until one day a

man arrived

here with a girl that I’d never seen the like of before in me life, except—’ he turned his head away from

her, as he quietly added,

‘sometimes at night in me dreams. But she was sixteen and I played father to her until she said she

wasn’t sixteen, she was on nineteen, and a young woman. And from then on in me mind I

stopped

playing father. And the comfort of even that was gone, until came the day when I said

goodbye to her on

the station. “

He now put his elbows on the table and rested his head on his hands.

And there was silence between them, and this lasted until Maggie said, “She liked you, John, more than

liked you, and she kept on writing.

Why don’t you do something about it? “

“What could I do?” he asked her quietly now.

“Offer her a life here with Main. Mam will be glad of anybody once I go and she’ll likely find her better

company.”

“No, no, she wouldn’t, Maggie. Mam never took to her.”

“No more than she took to the others, as you’ve just said yourself.”

“This was different. Remember who she is. She’s Kate’s half-sister, she’s the daughter of the man that

Mam once loved. And what did he leave her with? A great big woman like Kate, a loving

woman, but,

nevertheless, an outsize of a woman. And what does he bring with him, expecting Mam

to be sort of

guardian to her, a small sylph-like creature, so beautiful it was painful for Mam to look on her. No...

Anyway, what are we talking about? My chapter’s closed, Maggie, but yours is just

opening. You get

yourself away with Willy, and that’ll mean Mam will be forced to have help in here. And I’ll see that I

have adequate help outside. By gum! I will that.” He got to his feet now, then stopped and looked

towards the door, saying, “What’s that? Surely she hasn’t come back already?”

He went quickly to the window, and Maggie followed him, and, their backs bent, they

peered at Tom

Briggs helping a green-coated figure down the back steps of his trap. As Maggie

whispered, “Never!”

John said, “It can’t be!” Then straightening his back, he looked at Maggie and said, “God Almighty! And

we’ve just been He motioned his hand back to the table. Then in the next moment he had sprung to the

door and was out into the yard. But he didn’t rush to her, he stood still as she came

towards him. Her

grey eyes wide, her lips apart, she walked forward and stood gazing up at him, then said,

“ Hello, Jean.

“

“Why ... why didn’t you say?”

“I... I didn’t really know. It was on what you call, an impulse.... Hello, Maggie.” She now turned from

him and extended her hands towards Maggie who had come slowly out into the yard, and

Maggie,

gripping them, pulled her close and held her for a moment, saying, “Oh! Yvonne.

I am glad to see you. Come in. Come in. “ And with one hand she led her into the kitchen as if she had

never been in the room before, and there she said, “ Take your things off. Give me your bonnet. You

look cold. “

“It... it has been a long journey.”

John was standing behind her now as he asked, “You came on your own?”

She turned and looked up at him, saying, “Yes, yes. I travel all on my own, the whole

way, all on my

own, and people were very kind. It... it was surprising.”

“I’ll get you a drink. Come on, sit down, sit down by the fire.”

Maggie was bustling.

“Where do you want these put?”

John turned to the door where Tom Briggs was standing with a case in each hand, and he said, “Oh, just

leave them down here.”

“There’s another two in the trap.”

“Well... well, fetch them in.”

When the man brought the other cases in, John walked with him out into the yard again

and asked

quietly, “How much?” And he said, “Oh, she’s paid me, and rightly. She’s a free-handed miss, I’ll say

that. Looks as if she’s come to stay, doesn’t it?” He glanced sideways at John, then said,

“Your main all

right? I didn’t see her. She’s generally knocking about.”

“She’s gone visiting.”

“Oh, aye. Well, I’ll be off. An’ I’ll be pleased to take you to the station’—he nodded back towards

the kitchen ‘when she wants to go off. But as I said, lookin’ at her baggage, it won’t be the day or the

morrow. So long then.”

“So long.”

John returned to the kitchen where Maggie was saying, “Will I get you something to

eat?” And Yvonne

answered, “No, thank you. I am in need of a drink only. I had a large meal in the hotel before I left

Newcastle.”

“When did you arrive there?”

She looked at John, saying, “Last night. And this morning I did shopping. It is very nice, the shops

there. They are very nice, the shops there.” She laughed gently now, saying, “My English is better, yes?”

“Oh, very much.” Maggie nodded at her.

“Yes, very much.”

“I have been taking instruction from an English teacher. She taught in the lycee. Miss Marie introduce

me to her.”

Maggie looked at John, asking now, “Do you want a cup?” and when he shook his head,

she said,

“I’ll... I’ll take one to Willy and Terry.”

“Your mama ... mother, she is in?”

“No. She has gone visiting.”

“Your father too?”

“He is in Allendale. He should be back shortly. Look, I won’t be long.” Maggie picked

up the two

cans of tea that she had just poured out and, nodding from one to the other, she hastily left the kitchen.

And there they were, looking at each other.

Again Yvonne was the first to speak. However, she did not look at him but towards the

fire as she said,

“You are not pleased to see me?”

‘/ am. I am. “ His reply had come quick and deep, and she turned towards him, her face bright, saying,

“ I had to come, Jean. You did not write me. But you were in my mind all the time. “

He shook his head.

“Did you think of me?”

“Yes.”

“You’re pleased I come?”

When he hesitated she said quietly, “You are not. You are not.”

“Yes, yes, I am.” He went towards her.

“But... but it’s impossible.

I mean, you’re so young. I. I’m . well, I’m old enough to be your father. “

“Perhaps.” She made a motion with her head while she stared up into his face, then

repeated, “Perhaps,

but I do not think of you as a father. I never did imagine you as my father, not... not from the first time, I

mean, when we first met, and I am unfortunate, as I once said, in looking so young.

Inside I am not

young. I have seen people, I mean, I know people, men especially. You are different.”

“Oh, Yvonne, my dear.” He caught hold of her hands.

“We ... we must talk about this thing. There is so much ... so many obstacles.”

“What obstacles?”

“Oh my God!” When he turned his head to the side and closed his eyes for a moment she

said, “Why

do you say mon Dieu! ... my God! You are sorry I come.”

“No, no.” He was shaking her hands up and down now.

“Believe me, Yvonne, no, no. I’m ... I’m happy to see you, very happy to see you.” His voice had sunk

to a whisper. And when she said, “You thought of me?” he answered, “Always. Always,

yes.”

“Then there are no obstacles, just you and me.”

He paused now before he said slowly, “There is my mother and my father, they need me

here.”

“Well’—her face brightened “ I stay with you here. What are obstacles? I stay with you here. I love

the farm. I think of the cows too. “ She laughed now.

“And I love Maggie, and ... and I hope I will get to know my half-sister better and cause her to like me.

We should like each other, half-sisters. I have no other sister.”

He wanted to close his eyes again and say, “Oh, my

darling,” when Maggie, making her presence known, cried as she opened the back door, “

I told Willy

and Terry you’re here. They are very pleased. Well now, let’s get these things up to your room and get

you settled in. By that time, Mam’—she paused “Mam will be back.” And she did not

add, “And if

anything will, this will take her mind off me. By! yes, I’ll say it will.”

When John went to lift the cases, Yvonne said, “It is not all my luggage, it is presents.

We will spend the

evening dressing up.”

“Dressing up?” Maggie questioned now, and Yvonne answered, “Yes, dressing up. You

wait and see.”

Hal was the first to arrive home. As he dismounted from his horse, John came out of the byres and went

towards him, but before he could say anything, Hal exclaimed, “Daylight bloody robbers!

That’s what

they are. They pick up the horses for practically nowt, feed them free on the fells, then charge the bloody

earth for them. Trainin’, they said, trainin’.”

“Dad.”

“Aye, what is it?”

“We’ve got a visitor.”

“A visitor? Who, one of ours?”

“No, not one of ours. It’s Yvonne. She’s come back.”

“No! Who brought her?”

“She came on her own.”

“Never!”

“Yes.”

They had been walking towards the door when Hal stopped and, looking at John through

narrowed lids,

he said, “Well well, for me self I’ll be quite pleased to see the lass, she was lively. But I don’t know how

your mother’s gona take this. I suppose you know she didn’t cotton on to her. Natural

like, everything

taken into consideration, don’t you think?”

When John didn’t answer, Hal, his voice brusque now, said, “Well, what did I say to

you? Tis natural

like your mother didn’t cotton on to her, everything taken into consideration.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right, but suppose she didn’t come to see Mam.”

They scrutinized each other for a moment, then Hal said quietly, “Well, I don’t know

what you’re hinting

at, lad, or perhaps I do, but I’d think twice on it. You don’t want to make yourself a laughing-stock, do

you?”

At that he turned and walked into the house leaving John, gritting his teeth, to go back into the byres;

and there, taking his fist, he rammed it against one of the posts, cursing to himself as he did so. The dusk

was falling as Mary Ellen reached home. She was very little happier than when she had

left it. Kate’s

reaction to her news hadn’t pleased her at all, for Kate, surprisingly, had reminded her in a tactful sort of

way that Willy was in much the same position as Hal had been when she married him.

And also that she

didn’t blame Maggie for grabbing at life. Mary Ellen was well aware that Kate was still as besotted with

Ben after all these years as she had been when she married him, or before that. Kate had suggested that

she knew how Maggie felt and that she had been deprived of life. When she had

demanded, “And

whose fault is that? She’s had her chances, more than any other member in the family,”

Kate’s answer

was, “It’s her nature I suppose. She’s inclined to be contrary.”

Contrary! Brazen was the word she would put to her now, not contrary.

There was no one in the yard when she drove in, and she yelled, “You!

Willy. “ But it was Terry who appeared, saying, “ I’ll take her, missis. “

“Where’s everybody?”

“The boss and Master John are inside the house, I think. Willy is mending the fences

down on the east

side, least he was.” He smiled widely at her, but did not mention that she had a visitor.

She marched into the kitchen, only to stop and gaze at the bare wooden table. It had been her rule of

late to have the evening meal in the kitchen to save work, only using the dining-room at the week-ends,

when the family visited. She looked towards the sink. There were a number of dirty