A Different Shade of Violet? (2 page)

Once there was a place where my then thawed and previously frozen heart resided. Now it’s just an empty space, a void filled with nothing but grief and loss.

I have nothing left.

I have no more to give.

I was Violet Dyson again for a little while. She returned when a handsome stranger came into my life. Hudson Stone, even thinking his name makes me shudder.

I miss him.

He left me three weeks ago and every day since then slowly but surely Violet Dyson is leaving again. I can feel her shutting herself behind a concrete wall and locking her heart away from any future damage that can be caused. That’s if there even is a heart inside me anymore. It was shattered when he left, and now The Violet Widow, is once again creeping up on me, bubbling up to the surface back to where she belongs.

I haven’t cried since he left my house three weeks ago. Since he broke me apart after finding out about my career. I’m a madam for a high-end escort agency, and Hudson, well Hudson is a detective with the Police. You can see how our polar opposite careers may have caused a rift between us. And it did - a big one, an inescapable cataclysmic event sized rift.

I’d hidden my job from Hudson for six months. That sounds impossible now that I think about it, but Hudson and I had an understanding. I wouldn’t tell him about my job if he didn’t tell me about his. I honestly thought he was an outlaw biker, running with the Rebel Dogs, turns out he’s a cop investigating them.

Who knew?
How wrong was I?

My business, Cupiditas was raided by his detectives. Drugs were found on the premises, which belonged to a worker of mine – Papi. He was held in custody for a while, but I heard he was released on bail and I haven’t heard from him since. All I know is that I’m furious at him for bringing such filth into my business, sex – yes, drugs – no! I never have and never will allow drug use or possession in my business or on my premises. We’re too upmarket for that kind of bullshit. Plus, to tie things in together Papi was storing the drugs for the Rebel Dogs, the biker gang that Hudson is investigating. That’s how Hudson found out about what I do. He took his place in the raid of my premises and he quickly realised why I was hiding my profession from him.

I miss Hudson every day, and every day I spend thinking about what he’s doing and how he’s going. Even though he broke me, it doesn’t mean I don’t still love him. You can’t just turn off your feelings even if he did treat me terribly. But then again, I understand the cold shoulder and the avoidance. If the roles were reversed and I found out the way he did, well I guess I would’ve acted the exact same way. So, I can’t blame him really. This is all my fault and I’m the only one to blame for not telling him sooner. For not telling him before he found out the hard way, that the woman he loved, the woman he was sleeping with and the woman who he shared his house and life with, was an ex-prostitute and now works as a Madam running Adelaide’s most upmarket escort agency. Even though I don’t and haven’t worked as an escort for over two years, the fact that I did work as one, once, is enough for Hudson to be completely disgusted in me and himself for sleeping with me.

I had to come back home, to my house I lived in with my now dead husband and son. Being reminded that the three men in my life are no longer with me, well it’s enough to drive me to drink, which I do, often. My motto has always been… eat to live, and drink to forget, and that’s how I’m getting through each day.

I was so guarded after my husband, Danny died. I was… no, I am so in love with him that I couldn’t let him go, not for anything or anyone. The night Hudson walked into my life, he slowly but surely began to thaw my frozen heart. He captivated me, showing me what it was like to live again and how to enjoy each and every day. He taught me how to love again and I did love him with every fibre of my being. That part of my heart is still slowly beating, the part that loves Hudson and doesn’t want to let him go. But I know it’s of no use holding onto the hope that he will come around.
He won’t.
He doesn’t want anything to do with me and I don’t blame him.

We haven’t talked since he came to my house and left me. I didn’t go back to his place to pick up my things. I just bought new clothes and toiletries and I just left everything there at his house. I can’t bear the thought of seeing him again, just for him to look at me with that disappointed and disgusted look on his face. I’m embarrassed, and I have to admit, a little ashamed of myself. I don’t know how to move past this gut-wrenching feeling I have flowing through me every second of every day. It’s like a lead weight is inside my stomach and it makes it really hard to breathe, walk, talk, eat, sleep, basically do anything and it’s making it impossible for me to function. I miss Hudson so much my entire body is aching for him, and I know that missing someone doesn’t bring them back. I of all people should know that. I craved for Danny and Caiden for five long years and it never brought them back to me. So missing Hudson right now is a useless emotion, but one I can’t seem to shake nevertheless.

I’m lying on my sofa in the lounge room, it’s where I sleep now. The bedroom just reminds me of Danny and I feel like I’m being unfaithful to Hudson every time I go in there. To sleep in my married bed would just be the ultimate in betrayal. I know I can’t really go on living like this, living in the lounge room of my house and spending all my time here, but it’s the only way I know how to cope right now. Being near Danny’s things only makes me feel worse… it’s a vicious cycle.

I think of Danny, then I think of Hudson, and I feel like I’m being disloyal to both of them by thinking of them equally. Then, because I feel bad for thinking about them it makes me feel even worse and the endless cycle of regret, fear, doubt and sadness takes its hold again. I can’t seem to shake myself free from the hold my sadness and hopelessness has on me, and even though Angel and Sheila have rung multiple times to see how I am, I can’t seem to break away from this house and get back to living.

The fact is, I don’t want to live. I don’t want to die, but being in a world without Hudson is just something I don’t know how to deal with. I know we were only together for six months, but that’s still enough time to fall for someone and have them entwined into your soul completely and utterly. I just don’t know how to get him out of my system, or if I even want to.

I pick up my mobile and look at the screen. I do that often just to see if I’ve missed a call or message from him. I never have. I was such a strong person before Hudson came along and now all I do is sulk around the house and drink myself into oblivion every night. I’m feeling the effects of my hangover right now as I sit up on the sofa and unwrap the blanket from around me. I stare at the empty vodka bottle on the side table and wince as I hold my head. It’s spinning slightly and I feel a little nauseous, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I had my customary cup of tea before bed, so I’m not feeling too bad considering.

I stand up and make my way to the bathroom. I don’t use the en-suite anymore, I use the main bathroom, going into my bedroom is just too hard. I make my way down the hall and look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I look terrible. I have bags under my eyes and my hair is a mess. More like a bird’s nest if I’m honest and I have no idea how I got some kind of sauce on my cheek, but I wet a flannel and rub it off. I shake my head and just stare at the sight in front of me.

“What are you doing?” I murmur to myself.

I sniff and take out a brush and start to run it through my hair. I can’t remember when I did this last. It might have been three weeks ago, when he left, so, needless to say, my hair is ridiculously knotted. I spend a while in the bathroom trying to make myself a more presentable version of me… the new me? I feel like I have reinvented myself so many times I’ve forgotten who I actually am.

But I need to start again.

I’ve had three weeks of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to take control and get myself into some kind of fit state to return to work. I know the books must be a mess and I really need to get back in there and try to fix the damage that was done during and after the police raid. Running away from my problems doesn’t solve anything, it never does. So today, I’m pulling my shit together and heading back to Cupiditas. After a long shower and fixing my hair and makeup, I get dressed and move out to the lounge room, which is now a pigsty. There’s takeaway containers and empty vodka bottles everywhere. I really did let myself go, but I need to get back into it and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I’ve been through worse, so why does it feel like I’m drowning?

A break up should be so much easier than him
dying in a car accident, at least Hudson is still alive. Danny didn’t have that chance and losing Danny should feel far worse than losing Hudson.

So, why then does it feel exactly the same?

I think I have seriously lost the plot and that’s why I have to pick myself up, because if I don’t, I’m going to drink myself into oblivion, and no one will find me because I have no family and I have no friends. I’ll just end up one of those people who dies alone and the only way people will find out is because I have been dead for so long that the smell is annoying the neighbours. I’m sure I’d be eaten by rats or something before that happened.

What a nice way to go out,
I shudder at that thought
.
So, now you see why I need to get up and get motivated because being eaten by rats is not something I’m aspiring to.

I clean up the rubbish in my lounge room and put it all in the bin, including the two full bottles of vodka I have in the fridge.
No more wallowing for this little Violet duck.

Once I make the house more presentable, I put on my shoes and head toward the front door. I look back in and nod at the progress I’ve already made this morning. It feels good to put a stop to the self-pity party I had going on and start to get back to what is considered my normal. I walk to the Stingray and get in my car. I might still be over the legal limit, but I need to get out of the house and back into work. I put the keys in the ignition and drive toward Cupiditas. When I arrive, the outside of the business looks just like it always does. I get out of the car and walk toward the front of the building. Angel isn’t outside smoking so that’s a good sign, I guess. I walk inside and Angel spots me and squeals loudly.

“Jeez woman, you trying to make me go deaf?” I ask as she races across and wraps her arms around me tightly. I chuckle slightly and smile as she stands back and looks at me.

“It’s so good to see you, Boss. I’ve been so worried about you. How are you doing? You okay?” she asks quickly and all at once. I smile and nod. “You sure? You seem very quiet?” she asks as we walk over to her desk.

“I’m okay. Feeling a little lost, but I’m hoping being back here will bring me back on to an even keel.”

She smiles at me sympathetically and sits down at her desk.

“So, it’s really over between you and your gorgeous Rock then?”

I nod and swallow a lump in my throat. “Yeah, I ah… didn’t know he was a cop, so when I found out, I knew we were done. How could he possibly want to be with someone like me?”

Frowning. “Oh, c’mon, Boss. You’re awesome. Yes, your past might be a little tainted, but surely he can look past that, right? I mean I saw the way he looked at you when he was at the station. He loves you, Boss. That’s got to count for something, right?”

I shrug. “I don’t think so. He made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want me. He said he felt disgusted that we’d slept together. That’s not something I think he can just look past you know?”

“I’m so sorry, Boss. I know you really liked him,” she says resting her hand on my arm.

“I did thanks, Angel. But enough of the sad crap, how’s things been here? Sorry, I haven’t been around for the past three weeks. I just needed a break, but I’m back now.”

She smiles and nods. “Things are okay, business is a little slow. Word is, people are a little cautious about coming here after the cops raided, so profits are down, but I’m sure it’ll pick up soon enough. People will get over it.”

“And Papi?” I ask and she bites her bottom lip.

“He hasn’t come in. He’s out on bail, but he’s lying low for a while. He’s in protective custody because he’s testifying against the motorcycle club. He said that he bought some drugs from the bikers, and then they decided he should hold onto a load of drugs before they move them. They told him if he didn’t do it, they would rape Star and then kill her. That’s why he had them, Boss. He wasn’t going to sell them or take them or anything, he was just storing them for the—”