A Different Shade of Violet? (11 page)

I open the fridge to get away from the sizzling awkwardness that was the last minute of my life, only to find there’s hardly anything in the fridge.

“There’s no juice?” I ask closing the door.

He shakes his head without looking at me. “No, they only gave us the bare minimum, but I’m pretty sure someone will be along with some more groceries either today or tomorrow,” he states.

I nod and walk over to the kitchen table and take a seat. “Hudson…” I say and then trail off.

He finally looks around at me and raises an eyebrow.

I exhale and rest my elbows on the table and my chin in my hands. “Do you think Mad Dog will find us out here?”

He shakes his head. “Don’t even worry about that, Vee. We have men at the entrance of the property twenty-four-seven and I’m here with you. I won’t let anyone hurt you again, I promise. Plus, this place has been a safe house for years and no one knows about it. Trust me we’re fine here,” he says smiling while trying to reassure me. It works but only slightly.

“Be careful, Detective Stone, anyone would think that you actually cared about me,” I murmur under my breath.

He exhales forcefully and slams the tongs down on the bench making me jump. He walks over and pulls me up from the chair and wraps his arms around me tightly.

I want to fight him.

I’m still angry at him.

Even though everything in me is telling me not to, my heart gives out and I wrap my arms around his waist while he nuzzles into my hair.

“I will always care about you, Vee. Always… you got that?”

I nuzzle into him as far as I can. I notice his heart is pounding against his chest where I have my head. My heart is racing just as fast as his. Being so close to him, feeling him against me again and being able to smell him, only reminds me of what I can’t have. He holds me closely and we stand here in silence and it’s not awkward at all, but I know it won’t last. This was a moment of weakness for him and for me. It’s like even though we’re angry at each other for how things turned out, we’re still drawn together and I love the feeling of being wrapped up in him. His big strong arms encasing me tightly is only making me want to stay here forever, but I know that won’t happen. The sparks flying off between us are igniting just a small sliver of hope inside my poor damaged heart, but I quickly push it aside as I don’t need to be broken by Hudson Stone for the second time. I lift my head up slowly and stare at his face. He looks down at me and I notice his lips part infinitesimally. He’s as affected by me as I am by him. He moves his face down slightly lower so our foreheads are touching and a wave of pleasure surges through me sending goose bumps all over every inch of my skin.

“Vee…” he whispers and then closes his eyes like he’s in pain, and I know with that he is shutting down and that our moment will soon be over. Even though I want to stay in his arms, this is hurting us both so I slowly take my forehead from his and unwrap my arms from around him. His eyes open as I start to back away and he looks a little hurt. His eyes droop and he frowns as I step back completely forcing our bodies to separate from each other.

We stare into each other’s eyes and we both know we just had a moment and that the love we share is still most definitely there, but that doesn’t change a thing and now we’re both standing here breathing fast and gazing at each other like we’re two souls that have lost each other.

The bacon in the pan pops loudly making us both look toward the pan and break eye contact. I shake my head and sit back down at the table and Hudson exhales and looks back at me quickly and then makes his way back over to the pan. He turns his back to me and I feel like we’re back to giving each other the cold shoulder. I know more than anything I love him. I know he’s fighting his attraction to me and I know I’m fighting with the emotions in my head. I love him, more than anything and I know I want him back in my life, but can I ever really forgive him for the way he has treated me?

I start to wonder if it really is worth fighting for? If he can turn against me so quickly and then try to hide his feelings from me, then is he really as invested in me as I thought he was? Sure there’s signs that tell me he’s still finding it hard without me. The moment we just shared. The fact that all my belongings are still at his house and haven’t even been packed away. The fact he still has our pet goldfish, and the way that he wants to make sure I don’t get hurt again. That too is a giveaway that he still cares.

But does he care enough to want me back?

Or is it just leftover emotions from a bad break up and he feels guilty for treating me badly? I don’t know, but the thing I need to figure out is whether or not I actually want him back if there is any chance of that happening. He broke me, and I don’t think I could survive it if he did it to me twice. So, if he’s willing to give us another go, am I really willing to put everything into him again just to have him get angry and break up with me over something else? And do I forgive him for all the nasty things he said? Yes, I know he was hurting. I know he was shocked when he found out while he was working and he had to maintain some sort of image, but really, couldn’t he have taken me aside and let me explain things to him? Couldn’t he at least have given me that one chance?

“It’s ready,” Hudson says breaking me from my repetitive thought processes.

He brings over my plate of food and coffee, placing them both down on the table in front of me.

“Now eat up, you didn’t eat much dinner last night and I don’t want you fading away,” he says, purposely not looking at me, then turning and retrieving his own breakfast. He brings his over and sits opposite me. I swallow hard because I have no idea how I’m supposed to act around him now that we had that moment.

“Thanks,” I reply and then pick up my knife and fork. I look at the bacon and it’s the streaky kind that I love so much and there’s a lot of it so I dig in and try to eat as much as I can without making myself sick.

“So, there’s no point in us sitting here and not talking to each other, Vee. I know we’re not together and things are a little… strained between us, but I still care about you. How have you been? Really? Before this, I mean?”

I look at him and half-smile. He’s right, there’s no point in us avoiding each other with awkward tension and longing looks across the room. We have no idea how long we’re going to be here for, so I may as well toughen the fuck up and act like a normal thirty-year-old.

“I’m… okay. I’ve been staying at work, firstly in my office on the sofa, but then Angel said I should make up the spare room like a bedroom, so I did that and have been in there for a little bit before all this… happened,” I say pointing to my swollen and bruised face.

He furrows his brows. “Why aren’t you staying at your home?” he asks and I don’t want to lie to him, so I just spit out the truth.

“Because sleeping in my marital bed felt like I was betraying you and then I felt guilty for feeling that way. It was basically a nightmare being there, all the memories of what I had and have lost, my boys, my life as I knew it… you. It was all there as a reminder and I was fading away. I knew if I didn’t get out something bad would happen and I didn’t think I’d have anyone around who’d care enough to pull me out of the black pit I was wallowing in. So I left home and now I stay at work. Well, at least I did, until this happened,” I say and he takes a steadying breath while he looks at me with saddened eyes.

“You honestly felt like you were cheating on me or something sleeping in your own bed?” he asks and I nod. “Wow,” he says raising his eyebrows in surprise.

“What?” I ask getting defensive. “I’m just being honest with you, lying never got us anywhere, so I pledge to tell only the truth from now on,” I say pushing my half-eaten plate away from me. Suddenly I can’t stomach anything else.

He looks at the plate and shakes his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just I never thought that you’d think that way. That you’d be cheating on me with your… husband, even though he isn’t there,” he says and I frown and cross my arms over my chest.

“You make me sound like an idiot.”

“No, no, not at all. I’m not thinking like that, Vee. I think it’s kinda… sweet actually. It means you loved me enough to place me equally in your heart with your husband. I had no idea you thought of me like that,” he states looking at me with a soft stare and kind eyes.

I swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat and look down at my hands. “I loved you, Hudson. I still do. Of course, you meant everything to me. I had to move on from Danny and I did that with you. I thought you were it for me. My new happy place, a safe place… my rock…” I say and then drift off.

He exhales and reaches his hand out for mine. He takes it and the touch of his skin on mine sends shivers all the way up my arm and into my chest thawing my frozen heart ever so slightly. His touch does amazing things to me even though I want to fight it with everything that I am, I turn my hand in his and intertwine our fingers.

“Vee, I’m sorry things worked out this way. I wish it could be different, I wish I could see past the images in my head I get every time I think of where you work. It’s just… a hard thing to come to terms with, and with my job, Vee—”

“It’s okay, I get it. I know what I was and that running Cupiditas is an issue for you. I get it – I do. I just… I wish I never kept this secret from you. I wish I was honest and not so guarded, then it would’ve saved me from falling for you. And I wouldn’t be feeling this God awful hollow feeling that I have now,” I say and take my hand from his and place it in my lap.

“In a way that would have been easier. If we’d started with the truth and then we would’ve never gotten as far as we did, but Vee, I don’t regret my time with you. I cherish it and, even though, what you are means we can never be together, it doesn’t stop the fact that I loved you.”

“Loved?” I ask suddenly looking up and assessing his face. My heart starts to thud at the thought that he’s truly over me.

“Sorry, I worded that wrongly. I still love you, Vee, but it doesn’t change anything. Sometimes love just isn’t enough, you know?” I close my eyes to stop them from watering, even though I know I won’t cry, I don’t want to risk it. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but if you told me earlier then—”

“Then what? I could have saved all this from happening?” I say starting to feel annoyed.

“I don’t think I would ever change our time together, but if I knew sooner or found out differently… I don’t—”

“You don’t what?”

“I don’t even know what I’m saying, Vee. I wish things were different. I wish I’d known. I wish I could change how I feel. I wish I could turn off these bloody emotions that keep drawing me back to you, but most of all I wish you weren’t a madam or had never been a hooker. Maybe if you weren’t, then—”

“Fuck you!” I yell starting to get angry.

“No, I didn’t mean it like—”

“Then how did you mean it, arsehole?” I berate as I stand up from the table with my arms crossed over my chest. I’m so angry at him right now for making me sound like some worthless gutter trash.

“Vee, calm down,” he says standing up and placing his hand on my arm.

I flinch away from him and shake my head. “I don’t know what I ever saw in you. You think I’m some worthless gutter trash. Well, I’m a person Hudson with feelings and, even though, my profession wasn’t the greatest, I don’t need to be judged by my choices. You don’t know what I was going through when I became an escort. You have no idea the world of pain I was in. My husband and five-year-old son were murdered, Hudson. I had no one. I had nothing. They were taken from me by a fucking drunk driver and I had to identify their lifeless bodies at the morgue. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know what that does to a person? I was so different back then. I was a wife, a mother… I was a model citizen. I never broke the law. I never swore. But you know what? When your world is ripped from you, you either choose to fight or choose to die. I didn’t want to live, but I couldn’t die either so I had to find a way to cope and to keep the memory of my boys alive. You
know
why I did it? I needed to keep my house, my shrine to them. I couldn’t live without their memory so I did it for them! And then you come along and make it so that the very reason I was escorting in the first place, is the very reason I can’t stand to be at my house anymore. I became an escort to keep my boys with me, then because of you I can’t stand to be near them anymore, because I feel like I’m betraying a man who thinks I’m nothing but trash! So don’t tell me to calm down Detective Stone because
you
are the very reason I’m so utterly fucked up right now! I have no one. I have nothing. And
you
… you took all that away from me. I hope you’re happy ‘cause this trashy whore is done!” I yell and walk toward the front door.

“Vee… Violet, wait,” Hudson calls out, but I’m so beyond angry right now that I keep walking out the front door and down into the garden out the front. I walk into the lush greenery just trying to walk off my anger. I know he’s following me, but I don’t care. I keep rushing forward through the trees to try and get some air. I just need some space right now. I brush the leaves out of my face as I walk as fast as I can through the forest. I have no idea where I’m going, but I just need to walk it off. The branches keep getting in my way so I start to pull at them to get them out of my face. I start to rip the small branches from the trees as I grunt and groan in frustration. I walk into a larger branch and go to push it out of the way, but when I let go it swings back and slaps me hard in the face, knocking me over onto my arse.