A Different Kind of Despair (2 page)

He kept his distance once he gained his own
yurt, appearing only as we traveled after herds of game or when
there was a medical emergency. I spent hours in his tent, falling
asleep to the sound of him going about his business. As long as I
didn't bother him, Marvin let me be.

I stopped and stared at an emu, hitched at the
post outside his home. The poor beast must've survived a mighty
wound, as the legs beneath its feathery body were positively
skeletal.

"No, Leo."

My eyes perked up at the rare sound of
conversation. I pressed my back against the wall of the tent,
inching closer to the entrance.

"Come on, just one month. Two at the
most!"

"I said,
no
. This is my home now, I can't
just up and leave whenever I feel like it. Besides, it's almost
time to pick up camp again."

"The Shaman in charge seems like a reasonable
woman! And you know I'm not one to use the words reasonable and
woman in the same sentence for just anybody."

I threw the tent flap open.

"What do you know about women, fool?!" I
demanded, determined to put a face to the one spouting such
nonsense.

But rather than look down on an ignorant man,
I was staring straight at him. My eyes bulged at the size of this
giant who was sitting on the ground while I was at my full height.
I was not tiny for a woman either, lending shock to my
perception.

He bore tan skin and dark hair. These traits,
coupled with his hulking build, were distinctive of our sister
tribe, Kurai.

"Miraj," said Marvin. The look on his face
bore a spark of relief at my presence. "Does someone need me to go
look at them?"

My reason for being there came back to bite
me. I flustered, shoving the totem under his nose. Marvin had been
with us for two years; he knew what it meant.

"Oh? So you finally found someone you
like?"

I nodded.

"Take it and be grateful."

I looked up and saw that Marvin's face had an
expression I'd never seen before. I was accustomed to an impassive
veneer, sometimes with traces of mild annoyance. Presently, he
looked as though I'd gone and shoved a handful of sour grapes into
his mouth.

Leo came uncomfortably close between us. His
eyes shifted from me, to Marvin, to the totem.

"Marvin... what's going on?"

I felt fire in my cheeks.

"I am informing him that he is to become my
husband."

"Informing?" He flared with indignation.
"Whatever happened to offering?"

"I am the Shaman's Firstborn
Daughter!"

"Exactly! You're not the Shaman, your mother
is!" he shot back, shoving the totem away.

There were many times I was willing to cede to
his ire, mostly because I was being considerate, and he amused me
enough that I chose to be generous and look the other way. But not
this time -not when it involved my life.

"You marry me," I said. "Or I'll have you
excommunicated."

"Again, you're not your mother. Only she has
the power to do that."

"She'll do it on my behalf!" I roared,
prompting Leo to raise an eyebrow at the exchange. "This is a
sacred rite in a woman's life! There is no mother that would not
wish happiness for her child, and she will not stand for anyone who
threatens mine!"

I watched the reasoning run through his head.
Marvin knew of my mother's fairness and wisdom, but equally
convincing was the ferocity in which she loved her only daughter.
In my heart, I knew that this was something she'd have me whipped
for if she ever heard about it.

Marvin glared at me, and I knew that he would
not call my bluff this time.

"In name only."

I smirked, tossing him the totem. He
scrutinized it in his hand.

"What's the one on the top? A
snake?"

"A legless lizard."

Leo guffawed, but in a moment's notice he
stopped to give my new husband a tortured expression.

"Marvin... are you really getting
married?"

He clenched his jaw and shot daggers from his
eyes. "This totem means I already am."

Leo grabbed the tassels on the hem of the
doctor's jerkin, groveling. "HAS OUR LOVE BEEN A LIE?!"

"WHAT?" I exclaimed.

Marvin punched Leo so hard I heard his neck
pop.

"Don't go putting strange ideas in her head,
Leo," he growled. "I'm not in the mood for it."

Leo laughed, rubbing the
back of his head with a tiny wince, as though he'd been flicked and
not smashed with the full force of a grown man's fist. Who
are
these men from the
desert?

"Geez, Marv -shouldn't you be happier now that
you have such a pretty wife?"

"Beauty is relative," he
said stubbornly. "And she's only sixteen. That is a
crime
where we come
from, in case you've forgotten."

"You
dog
, you!" Leo fanned his lashes,
this time taking a strike to the shoulder. "Alright, alright, I'll
let it drop." Leo's grin was disarming as he turned to me. "So
what's your name?"

"Miraj." Unable to help myself, I asked, "Are
you Kurai?"

"Kurai? No, I'm Leo."

"Idiot," said Marvin. "She meant the
tribe."

"
Oh
." Leo thought on it. "My mother
is Kurai. Me? I'm from Nethermountain."

"Nether... mountain?"

Marvin stepped between us. "She doesn't need
to know any more than that. Now Miraj, Leo and I were-"

He stopped mid sentence. I traced the trail of
his gaze over my shoulder and at the entrance. Another man, this
one with strawberry blonde hair, stood there. I wasn't even certain
he was alive, to be honest. His skin was so fair and too smooth to
be real, and his lips were... odd, as though chiseled.

"There's a horde of riders coming in from the
north," he announced. "I just thought you should know."

"Riders?" Marvin furrowed his brow. "Miraj, is
there some kind of gathering being held tonight?"

"No. The next one is the Feshoun Urah," I
replied, speaking of the great meeting of the Four Tribes during
the autumn equinox. "That isn't for another month." I looked back
at the newest arrival. "Did you catch any details of their horses?
Color? Build?"

"Strong, hairy; looks more like a bull than a
horse."

"The Kurai?" I questioned, growing more
puzzled by the minute. "But they never leave the mountains, not for
anything other than the Feshoun Urah itself. Are you
certain?"

"I'm just telling you what I saw," he said
again.

Marvin set his fingers to his bottom lip in a
pensive stupor. A moment later, he grabbed a satchel and began to
fill it with a number of his remedies. "Something doesn't feel
right about this."

"Marvin," I started, "Don't be ridiculous.
Kurai is kin to Hikari. It is sin to wound a fellow
tribeswoman."

"The Kurai are also a warring bunch who spare
no mercy to travelers they catch in the mountain pass."

My mouth twisted. "While I do think they
are... excessive in their battles, they respect our Old Ways. Look,
I'll go see for myself."

"Leo, don't let her leave."

Leo didn't do anything to stop me, but I did
catch him glancing at the blonde companion. He blocked my way out
of the tent.

"Stay here and don't cause any
trouble."

Outrage boiled beneath my skin. "I am Shaman
Incumbent! You WILL let me pass!"

I lifted a hand to strike him down. He raised
his own to block it. I moved it away from his waiting arm to direct
it at his ribs; he jerked back before my hand could land on
him.

He was stunned that he needed to dodge; I was
shocked that he could.

"Who are all of you?" I heard myself asking,
but I received no answer in return. Instead I heard a choir of
horses, breaking bones, and violent screams. My eyes shot wide with
terror. "Let me go!" I repeated. "Hikari needs me!"

Leo took me by surprise, pinning my arms to my
chest and lifting me off the ground. I kicked wildly, trying to
bite him, but he showed no response to the damage I was
inflicting.

"Marvin, looks like you're coming with us
after all."

They walked out the tent, and I was carried
with them.

Fire blazed upon the steppes. As Marvin
predicted, the ones responsible were indeed Kurai marauders. The
fur-clad women dragged their prairie kin out into the open, slicing
their necks or setting them on fire. All others were crushed under
a stampede of horses. The proud Hikari, a tribe nearly two thousand
strong, was being wiped out before my very eyes.

"LET ME GO!" I screamed. "I need to help them!
Can't you see they're dying?!"

Leo began to run to the south, away from the
battle. Will, Marvin, and the emu followed suit.

"I said RELEASE ME! I will not stand by and
watch them die like some coward!"

"MIRAJ!"

Marvin's voice jarred me as we were running.
His gray eyes blazed, searing my voice into silence.

"You are Shaman now. Of
Hikari, you are all that's left. If you care about the tribe at
all, you will
live
."

Shaman? My heart sank faster than a rock in a
lake. I could still feel the warmth of my mother's kisses on my
hair and cheeks.

"
Ma'man
," the word strangled past my
shivering lips. The wind picked up, carrying the stench of death on
its channels. Ashes invaded my eyes. "Ma'man!"

The camp disappeared on the edge of the
horizon. I saw the spirits of my people drifting on the smoke
towards the sky. What was supposed to be my happiest day had turned
into its darkest chapter as I watched my world perish in a blaze of
blood and fire.

"
MA'MAN!!!
"

3: Estranged Relations

I cannot remember a time when I was not filled
with anger.

Anger at being disturbed when I wanted a few
more minutes of sleep. Anger at the wind for blowing dust into my
eyes. Anger at the lessons I could never seem to understand, and
above all, anger at myself for being so unworthy of everything I
had been blessed with in my life.

Ayasha, Mother of our tribes, the Womb of the
World, must have been angry too, since she saw fit to take it all
away.

We had been running for hours. The moon
indicated that it was now the darkest hour of morning. I didn't
know if I could bear to face the sun. I, Miraj, am last of the
Hikari. Ours was a duty to be the guiding light and bask in all the
glory of the warm summer plains. But I could not shine now. My
heart was overtaken by a web of darkness. Kurai was the spider who
cocooned me in her silk. It was only a matter of time before they
found me. Killed me.

And Hikari would be no longer.

Leo set me down on my feet. The men from the
desert exchanged words of conversation. I couldn't hear a word they
were saying. Even if I heard I knew I wouldn't
understand.

This was a camp belonging to Marvin's friends.
Marvin put his hands on my shoulders. His worry stirred the anger
within me, stoking the embers of ire. How dare you look at me this
way? How dare you pity I, Shaman Incumbe-

No.

Shaman.

My mother is already dead.

"-d you hear me?"

"Ah." The sound popped out of my throat. I
never had to force a smile before tonight. The expression that came
so naturally now ground against my lips and face like a horse
pulling a crooked plow.