A Cowboy For Christmas (A Copper Mountain Christmas) (10 page)

“
I’m still not sure I’m staying,” Annie admitted. Saying it out loud made her regret it. What if Carson heard about it from Liz instead of from her?

“
Really? Where else would you go?” Liz asked the same thing that Annie had asked herself a million times.

“
I don’t know,” she said. “It’s hard to think of staying her after never wanting to.”

“
That was a girl’s dreams. You’re a woman now and you know what life is like outside of Montana.”

Liz had a point.
Annie didn’t say anything else but she thought of the way that Carson had held her the other night and she knew that she didn’t want to leave him. She had been so worried about staying for the wrong reasons—for a dream that wasn’t truly hers—that she never thought about the fact that she might be leaving for the wrong reasons. Just clinging to her old ideas of what life was and her stubborn idea that she couldn’t be happy in Marietta.

Right now that seemed stupid.
And as she and Liz parted ways in the park in the center of town where the big tree was being lit, she caught sight of the families and felt a pang that she didn’t have one.

“
Hey, Annie!”

She turned to see little Evan waving at her and smiling his gap-toothed grin.
She waved at him and then looked up at Carson standing right behind his son. Carson tipped his hat her but didn’t smile or come over to her and she couldn’t blame him.

She
’d sort of played fast and loose with his feelings—again. All because she wasn’t sure what she wanted. But as the band started to play “We Wish You a Merry Christmas and everyone around her started singing, she felt someone behind her. She turned hoping it was Carson, but it wasn’t. It was only Marilyn and her kids.

She hugged her sister in an awkward embrace that felt a little too long.
She reminded herself she couldn’t hold it against Carson if he’d taken her at her word when she’d said she needed space. Though a part of her wished that he had pushed her, because she knew she’d give in.

And then the decision would be out of her
hands… which was probably why he wasn’t doing just that. He knew the same way she did that it had to be her decision to stay in Marietta, and not just for Christmas.

Carson made himself stay away from Annie.
She’d made it clear when he’d left her house that she was conflicted about him, Marietta, and her life. And he was damned if he was going to be left by her again.

But hell, it wasn
’t as easy to shut off his emotions as he wished it was. Evan saw some of his friends from school and they joined up with the group. Carson was glad this was an evening event and that there were dads in the group of parents. There were some times when he was the only dad and the other moms were nice enough, but he didn’t want to talk about organizing the car tote or a new planner system.

“
You look trapped, bro,” Alec said as he came up next to him handing him a cup of hot chocolate.

“
God, I wish Rainey was still here. I’m not good with the parents’ group, but I don’t want Evan to be the only one not hanging out over there.”

“
I know what you mean,” Alec said. “JT, stay where I can see you.”

JT ran off to join a group of kids his age.
He was a year older than Evan. Alec’s wife Sienna was standing with the same parent group that Carson was hesitating to go and join. “I guess you can’t just walk over there.’

“
Oh, I can. It would piss Sienna off but since one of her mandates to me is that I’m not involved enough she has to fake-smile and pretend she’s happy I’m there,” Alec said. “I thought I was done with these kind of games once I got married. How did mom and dad make it work?”

“
I have no idea,” he said. “Our dad must have more game than we have given him credit for.”

He thought about Annie and how she
’d been practically ignoring him since they’d been snowed in together. He knew that she had issues. And he’d probably rushed her by taking her to bed, but in his mind they’d already wasted enough time. No one lived forever. Time was finite and he hated to squander a second of it.

“
I miss my wife,” Alec said in a moment of raw honesty.

Carson ached for his brother.
He wanted him happy and had no way to help him out of the current situation he was in. So he clapped his hand on his shoulder. “I’m here if you need to talk.”

“
Screw that. Talking is what got me into this situation. I think it’s time I checked up on my wife. Want to come watch the fireworks?”

“
Sure,” Carson said. Watching Alec and his estranged wife was interesting. Sienna was the only thing that Carson had ever saw rattle his brother. She’d moved back to town three months ago and taken JT with her. But JT didn’t want to live in town and it had caused all sorts of interesting problems for Alec and Sienna.

“
What are you two going to do about Christmas?” Carson asked.

“
We’re spending it together at the ranch. JT asked her if she’d come home,” Alec said.

Damn that was hard.
There was no way a parent could say no to something like that. “What are you going to do?”

“
I have no idea,” Alec said. “I can’t fix this the way I usually do and I’m not sure what to do next.”

Carson didn
’t know the intimate details of his brother’s marriage and frankly, didn’t want to. He just wished that Alec and Sienna would fix whatever was broken because he liked them both and hated to see them so miserable. “I wish I could help.”

“
Me too, little bro.”

“
Daddy, I’m ready to go see Santa,” Evan said, coming back over to him.

“
Don’t you want to go with your friends?” he asked his son. Evan was usually part of a large group of kids who did everything together. But there were times like now when he got a little cagey.

“
Some of them already went,” Evan said evasively. “Can we go now?”

“
Yes, let’s get in line. I’ll talk to you later, Alec.”

Alec nodded and Evan led Carson to the line, which was getting longer by the minute.
Evan’s little hand in his was steady and sure. They waited patiently for their turn. Evan intently staring at the guy in red.

“
What are you going to ask for?” he asked his son.

“
A mommy.”

“
Evan,” Carson said on a heavy sigh. He bent down next to his son and hugged the little guy close and tight. “It doesn’t work that way.”

“
I’m asking,” Evan said stubbornly. “You said whatever I wanted. I’ve been good.”

This whole Santa thing was going to make him crazy.
Evan had been good and he did deserve to be happy and have a mom. But that was complicated. “You have been very good but Santa can’t bring you a mommy. He brings toys and stuff like that.”

Evan shook his head.
“Richie said that he thought Santa could bring anything you asked for. He said his mom asked for a trip to Hawaii last year and got it.”

“
That’s a bit different. A mommy would have to live with us.”

“
So,” Evan said. “I think it would be nice to have a mommy in the house.”

Carson couldn
’t say anything else. He thought having a woman around would be great too. He hugged his son as their turn was next. “Just don’t be disappointed on Christmas morning if she’s not there.”

“
She will be,” Evan said.

Carson watched his son approach Santa and stood off to the side.
This was something he couldn’t control. There was only one woman he was interested in right now and she had no plans to be a mommy. Now or ever. She couldn’t have been clearer.

He took his phone out and snapped a photo of Evan with Santa.

“Why are you glaring at Santa?” Annie asked, coming up next to him.

“
Evan wants something he can’t have,” Carson said. “I was hoping my son would be a little older before he had his belief in magic shattered.”

“
Oh, what does he want? Tyler told me he wants a new Bionicle.”

“
Not a toy. He wants a mommy.”

“
Well that’s a tall order for Santa,” she said.

“
Yes it is. Especially since the one woman I’m interested in isn’t planning on sticking around.”

She blanched and stepped back from him.
“I didn’t say that.”

“
You didn’t have to,” he said. “You’ve had one foot out the door since you got here.”

“
I’m sorry. Wouldn’t it be worse to say that I could be that person for you and Evan and then find out in six months that I wanted to leave?”

“
Yes, it would be,” Carson said, but as he looked at her in the lightly falling snow and the glimmer of the Christmas lights, he believed that nothing could be worse than this moment. But inside there was something he wanted. Someone he’d always wanted and had never realized how much so until this moment. He leaned in and kissed her and knew it was goodbye. It had to be. His little boy wanted a mommy and he wanted Annie and both of them weren’t going to get the one woman who could answer both of their wishes.

He didn
’t blame her for being cautious. And a part of him… almost understood where she was coming from. “I guess we’re both just different in that way.”

“
What way?” she asked.

“
I’m not one to run away. Even the unknown and the scary things I’m not sure I can handle. I dig in and stand my ground.”

“
Excuse me, cowboy, we can’t all be Scotts and so sure of ourselves that we just know we’re right. And I told you from the beginning I’m a mess.”

With that she turned on her heel and walked away.
Evan slipped up next to him. “I think Annie would make a good mommy. And I really like Rumple.”

He groaned and bit back a curse.
“Liking her dog wouldn’t make her a good mommy. Plus she’s not sure she wants to stay in Montana.”

And now that he
’d goaded her, Carson was almost positive she’d be leaving as soon she could.

CHAPTER NINE

Annie spent the next week immersed in her job at the diner, putting the finishing touches on the dining room at her house, and designing the sets for the Nativity play.
Plus mostly trying very hard not to think about Carson. It should have been easier to forget him but it wasn’t. No matter how hard she tried, she kept seeing his Big-Sky-blue eyes in her dreams and felt his arms around her when she slept.

But when she was awake and when she saw him in town he crossed the street to avoid her.
Tonight though, there was no escaping for him. Liz had all of her adult volunteers wrangled into one room. She was surprised to see Carson here, but then scolded herself. If there was a more involved father in her circle of friends, she’d yet to meet him.

Evan was a priority for him and she understood that now more than ever.
He was on the far side of the room with the other men with power tools. They were in charge of taking her designs and cutting them out of the plywood. She had two moms who were tracing her designs onto canvas, which would then hang on the plywood.

“
I love these designs. Why didn’t you come to LA with me?” Liz asked, coming up behind her. She had her hair in a low bun at the back of her neck and tendrils of curls hung around her face. Her wide smile was welcoming and soothing after spending so much time by herself.

“
I didn’t want to follow your dream,” Annie said. “Thanks for the compliment on the sets. I’m happy with how they turned out as well.”

“
The kids are so excited. This is the first production I’ve done in town. I hope that everyone likes it.”

“
I’m sure they will. You’re really good with the kids,” she said. Liz had been carefully coaching the kids along and helping them in their roles. She was firm and direct but also very positive.

“
They are good,” Alec said coming over to her. “I never cease to be amazed at the talent that our little town has produced.”

“
Glad you approve,” Liz said. “Considering you are the man donating our manger animals, do you think they will fit in our prop stable?”

“
They should,” Alec said.

Carson
’s older brother was of the same height and had the same thick dark brown hair, but the similarities ended there. Where Carson had those big friendly eyes, Alec’s were cold, steel-gray, and had never looked very approvingly at her.

Liz was called across the room by someone else
, leaving Alec and Annie alone. Oh goody, she thought.

“
You really are very talented,” he said, but it was almost a reluctant compliment.

“
Thanks. I have always enjoyed creating things like this. I didn’t have much call to do anything similar in the last five years. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed it.”

“
Is that all you missed?” he asked her as he continued to study the sets.

“
I’m not sure what you are asking me,” she said. Sure that this conversation had two meanings to Alec at least.

“
Did you miss my brother?” he said bluntly.

Hell, she missed him right now.
Each night she was reluctant to go to bed since her pillow still smelled of his aftershave—though it was starting to fade now. She hugged the pillow close to her and pretended he was there next to her. The thing was she knew if she’d take a chance and call him he’d give her a chance to come back into his life. But she was too afraid to chance it.

Alec leaned in and it was little intimidating to have him standing over her like that.
But the part of her that liked Carson was very glad he had his brother. Though she knew he’d be angry if he realized how protective Alec was of him.

“
I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” she said at last.

“
Listen, Miss-Marietta’s-Not-Good-Enough-For-Me, Carson deserves a woman who isn’t playing games with him,” Alec said.

“
I’m not playing with him. We know where we stand. I don’t think he needs you to fight his battles.”

“
You’re right, he doesn’t. But I’ve seen the way you look at him when you think no one is watching. You want him,” Alec said.

“
Is that a crime?” she asked, but inside she died a little. She’d thought she was doing a better job of hiding how she felt.

“
No,” he said, “It’s not. What’s keeping you from going after him? Is it Evan or is it— “

“
It is actually none of your business, Alec,” Carson said coming over to them.

Alec put his hands up and backed away.
Annie stood there feeling raw and exposed and afraid to move. She thought she’d hidden her feelings about Carson but it was clear she hadn’t. And a part of her really didn’t want to hide.

“
Sorry about that,” Carson said. “Alec had no right to bully you like that.”

“
It’s fine. He’s right. I do watch you when no one else is looking. I miss you,” she said softly. Soaking in every inch of him. He looked tired but still so good. Her arms ached to hug him close and she wanted to make promises she wasn’t sure she’d keep if it meant he’d hold her again even for one night.

“
Then why are we apart?” he asked, the emotion in voice was raw.

It touched something inside her and she wrapped her arm around her waist to keep from touching him.
But she wanted him to. He looked tired and his hair was a little too long, in need of a trim. And she remembered the last time she’d pushed her fingers into his thick hair and wanted to do it again.

“
Annie?”

She realized she was just staring at him, and for the first time since she
’d left Manhattan she knew what she wanted. She wanted Carson Scott. She wanted everything she knew about him to be true and be real. And she really wanted to be worthy of his love.

“
Because you already lost one woman you loved, I don’t want to be the cause of you losing another one. I’m not saying you love me, but I know you, Car. I always have, and the two of us both sort of always…

“
Get each other,” he said at last. “Yes we do. But I don’t want you settling for me.”

“
I don’t want that either. That’s why I’m trying to stay away but it’s hard. Harder than anything I’ve ever done before.”

“
Do you think that maybe staying away isn’t the answer?” he asked.

“
What else could be? I heard Evan ask Santa for mommy, and it’s not fair for me to be with you when I don’t know if I’m staying or going. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to just ignore you.”

“
It’s not easy for me either,” he said. “What do you think we should do about it?”

“
I’m not sure. But I have a few ideas.”

“
I have to pick Evan up after this, but on Saturday I’m hosting a cast and crew pre-production party out at the Red Barn. My brothers and I just finished fixing it up. Why don’t you come by early and we can talk then.”

She nodded and watched him walk away and for the first time had an inkling of what it must have been like for him when she
’d left and she knew she had to make very sure of what she wanted before she did anything to hurt him again.

Saturday morning dawned bright and sparkly white. As Annie opened the door to let Rumple out, she realized there were only five days left until Christmas.
She’d spent the evening before at her sister’s house with her family wrapping presents and decorating cookies. It had made her realize how much she’d missed being a part of a family and had opened her eyes to the fact that she wanted one of her own.

The Nativity play was going to be performed on Christmas Eve, four days from now.
And her involvement had been extended by Liz to include some backstage management of all the tiny performers.

She had used the last three days since she
’d seen Carson at the set-building evening to really figure out some things in her life. She enjoyed indulging her artistic side so much that she’d been working almost non-stop at the old ranch house. At first she thought about fixing it up to sell and then she realized, as she worked her way through the rooms making sketches of them, that she was creating a home for herself.

It was that moment late last night that had made her accept today she was going to tell Carson she
’d decided to stay in Marietta. She knew it might be too late for him. But she was also damned sure that once she put her mind to it she could convince him to give her a second chance.

Rumple came back in and she fed him and then tied a pretty red bow around his neck, which he tolerated.
She glanced at the clock and realized she had eight hours until she was due over at Carson’s but she didn’t want to wait another minute. So she gathered Rumple and her coat and headed over to Carson’s ranch house.

She drove under the sign, which proclaimed it the C & E, and up to the front of the two-story house.
The front porch was decorated with garland and lights and there was a wreath on the front door and a sign by the steps that said
Santa, stop here
.

She wiped her sweaty palms on her thighs and opened her door, letting Rumple go first as she climbed the stairs and knocked on the door.
She heard the sound of dog nails on hardwood and running before the door opened.

“
Annie!” Evan said. He had chocolate on this face and that big gap-toothed grin that made her want to hug him.

“
Hello, Evan. Is your dad home?”

“
He’s out on the range. I’m making cookies with my Aunt Sienna. Want to come help?”

She had no idea if his Aunt would want her help or not.
But Sienna appeared in the hallway wiping her hands on a kitchen towel. “I’m Sienna. You must be Annie.”

“
I am,” she said, holding out her hand. Rumple and Puddles were sniffing each other. “This is awkward. I guess I should have called.”

“
Nonsense. All this snow has just added to the workload for the men so I volunteered to keep the boys busy today. Come on in.”

Annie realized that this was Alec
’s wife as soon as she stepped into the kitchen and saw JT. He smiled over at her from the table where he was busy decorating a cookie. “We’re getting them ready for tonight.”

“
I can see that.”

“
Want to help?” Evan asked. “You get to eat the broken ones.”

“
Oh no,” JT said as a cookie broke in his hands and he ate it.

“
Scamp,” Sienna said. “I know not all those cookies were broken and I need to have some to serve tonight to the cast and crew for the Nativity. Miss Rachel is making one of her special gingerbread houses and I said I’d help out with some Plain Jane cookies, so that’s the last one for now.”

“
Okay, mommy.”

She ruffled her son
’s hair... Annie noticed Evan watching JT and Sienna, and realized how important having a woman in his life was to him. She also had a momentary fear that maybe she wasn’t ready for all of this but she didn’t let that stop her. She had been afraid when she’d left Marietta, but determined and she’d made her dreams come true.

Just because her dreams had changed didn
’t mean she couldn’t make them come true again. So much power in coming to realize what was important in her life and understanding that it centered on the new life she had made for herself in these last few weeks.

She sat down next to Evan, scared of doing the wrong thing, but even more afraid of not even trying.
As she helped him decorate, she found that she enjoyed it. Sienna was funny and easy to talk to and the boys were smart for their age. She had never experienced anything like this. In her mind, she tucked this away as a tradition she hoped she’d be able continue next Christmas.