A Cool Million (10 page)

Lem
sat on
the edge of a bunk that was built into one corner of the room with his head
buried in his hands. He wondered what new ordeal fate had in store for him, but
being unable to guess he thought of other things.

Would he lose his job if he failed
to report to Mr.
Hainey
? Probably, yes. Where was his
dear mother?
Probably in the poorhouse, or begging from door
to door, if she were not dead.
Where was Mr. Whipple? Dead and buried in
Potter’s Field more than likely. And how could he get a message to Miss
Prail
?

Lem
was
still trying to solve this last problem when Chin Lao
Tse
,
the man who had captured him, entered the room, carrying a savage-looking
automatic in his hand.

“Listen, boy,” he said menacingly, “see
this gat? Well, if you don’t behave I’ll drill you clean.”

Chin then proceeded to secrete
himself in a closet. Before closing the door, he showed
Lem
that he intended to watch his every move through the keyhole.

The poor lad racked his brains, but
could not imagine what was wanted of him. He was soon to find out, however.

There was a knock on the door and Wu
Fong entered followed by a little dark man whose hands were covered with
jewels. It was the Maharajah of
Kanurani
.

“My,
wath
a pithy
thailer
boy,” lisped the Indian prince with
unfeigned delight.

“I’m extremely happy that he finds
favor in your august eyes,
excellency
,”
said Wu Fong with a servile bow, after which he backed out of the room.

The Maharajah minced up to our hero,
who was conscious only of the man in the closet, and put his arm around the lad’s
waist.

“Thom on, pithy boy,
giff
me a kith,” he said with a leer that transfigured his
otherwise unremarkable visage into a thing of evil.

A wave of disgust made
Lem’s
hair stand on end. “Does he think me a girl?” the
poor lad wondered. “No, he called me a boy at least twice.”

Lem
looked
towards the closet for instructions. The man in that receptacle opened his door
and poked his head out. Puckering up his lips, he rolled his eyes amorously, at
the same time pointing at the Indian Prince.

When our hero realized what was
expected of him, he turned pale with horror. He looked again at the Maharajah
and what he saw of lust in that man’s eyes made him almost swoon.

Fortunately for
Lem
,
however, instead of swooning, he opened his mouth to scream. This was the only
thing that could have saved him, for he spread his jaws too wide and his store
teeth fell clattering to the carpet.

The Maharajah jumped away in
disgust.

Then another lucky accident
occurred. When
Lem
bent awkwardly to pick up his
teeth, the glass eye that Mr.
Hainey
had given him
popped from his head and smashed to smithereens on the floor.

This last was too much for the
Maharajah of
Kanurani
. He became enraged. Wu Fong had
cheated him! What kind of a pretty boy was this that came apart so horribly?

Livid with anger, the Indian prince
ran out of the room to demand his money back. After he had gotten it, he left
the house, vowing never to return.

Wu Fong blamed the loss of the
Maharajah’s trade on
Lem
and was extremely vexed with
the poor lad. He ordered his men to beat him roundly, strip him of his sailor
suit,
then
throw him into the street with his clothes
after him.

Lem
gathered together his clothing and crawled into the areaway of a deserted
house, where he donned his things. His first thought was to find a policeman.

As is usual in such circumstances, a
guardian of the law was not immediately forthcoming and he had to go several
miles before he found a “peeler.”

“Officer,” said our hero as best he
could minus his oral equipment, “I want to lodge a complaint.”

“Yes,” said Patrolman Riley shortly,
for the poor lad’s appearance was far from prepossessing. The Chinaman had torn
his clothing and his eye was gone as well as his teeth.

“I want you to summon
reinforcements, then immediately arrest Wu Fong who is running a disorderly
house under the guise of a laundry.”

“Wu Fong is it that you want me to
arrest? Why, you drunken fool, he’s the biggest man in the district. Take my
advice and get yourself a cup of black coffee, then go home and sleep it off.”

“But I have positive proof that he’s
keeping a girl in his house against her will, and he did me physical violence.”

“One more word out of you about my
great good friend,” said the officer, “and off you go to jail.”

“But…” began
Lem
indignantly.

Officer Riley was a man of his word.
He did not let the poor lad finish, but struck him a smart blow on the head
with his truncheon, then took him by the collar and dragged him to the station
house.

When
Lem
regained consciousness several hours later, he found himself in a cell. He
quickly remembered what had happened to him and tried to think of a way in
which to extricate himself from his difficulties. The first thing was to tell
his story to some superior police officer or magistrate. But no matter how
loudly he called, he was unable to attract the attention of anyone.

Not until the next day was he fed,
and then w small man of the Jewish persuasion entered his cell.

“Have you any money?” said this
member of the chosen people.

“Who are you?” countered
Lem
with another question.

“Me? I’m your lawyer, Seth
Abromovitz
, Esquire. Please answer my first question or I
won’t be able to handle your case properly.”

“My case?” queried
Lem
in astonishment. “I’ve done nothing.”

“Ignorance of the law is no defense,”
said Lawyer
Abromovitz
pompously.

“Of what am I accused?” asked the
poor lad in confusion.

“Of several
things.
Disorderly conduct and assaulting a police officer, for one; of
conspiring to overthrow the Government, for two; and last but not least, of
using the
glim
racket to mulct storekeepers.”

“But I didn’t do any of these
things,” protested
Lem
.

“Listen, bud,” said the lawyer,
dropping all formality. I’m not the
judge,
you don’t
have to lie to me. You’re One-eyed Pitkin, the
glim
dropper, and you know it.”

“It’s true that I have but one eye,
but…”

“But me no buts.
This is a tough case. That is, unless you can grow an eye overnight in that
hole in your mug.”

“I am innocent,” repeated
Lem
sadly.

“If that’s the line you intend to
take, I wouldn’t be surprised if you got life. But tell me, didn’t you go to
the store of Hazelton
Freres
and make believe you
lost your eye?”

“Yes,” said
Lem
,
“but I didn’t take anything or do anything.”

“Didn’t you offer a reward of one
thousand dollars for the return of your eye?”

“Yes, but…”

“Again, but. Please don’t but me
no
buts. Your accomplice went around the next day and made
believe he had found a glass eye on the floor of the store. Mr. Hazelton said
that he knew who it belonged to and asked him for the eye. He refused to give
it up, saying that it looked like a very valuable eye to him and that if Mr.
Hazelton would give him the address of the man who owned it, he would return
the eye himself. Mr. Hazelton thought that he was going to lose all chances of
collecting the thousand-dollar reward, so he offered the man a hundred dollars
for the eye. After some bargaining your accomplice went out with two hundred
and fifty dollars, and Mr. Hazelton is still waiting for you to come and claim
your eye’

“I didn’t know about all that or I
wouldn’t have taken the job even if I was starving,” said
Lem
.
“I was told that it was a promotion idea for a glass eye company.”

“O.K., son, but I’ll have to think
up a little better story. Before I begin thinking, how much money
have
you?”

“I worked three weeks and was paid
thirty dollars a week. I have ninety dollars in a savings bank.”

“That’s not much. This conference is
going to cost you one hundred dollars with ten per cent off for cash or ninety
dollars. Hand it over.”

“I don’t want you as my lawyer,”
said
Lem
.

“That’s all right with me; but come
through with the dough for this conference.”

“I don’t owe you anything. I didn’t
hire you.”

“Oh,
yeh
,
you one-eyed rat,” said the lawyer, showing his true colors. “The courts
appointed me and the courts will decide how much you owe me. Give me the ninety
and we’ll call it square. Otherwise I’ll sue you.”

“I’ll give you nothing!” exclaimed
Lem
.

“Getting tough, eh? We’ll soon see
how tough you are. I’ll tell my friend the district attorney and you’ll get
life.”

With this last as a parting shot,
Lawyer
Abromovitz
left our hero alone again in his
cell.

Several days later the prosecuting
attorney paid the poor lad a visit. Elisha Barnes was that official’s name, and
he appeared to be a rather good-natured, indolent gentleman.

“Well, son,” he said, “so you’re
about to discover that crime doesn’t pay. But, tell me, have you any money?”

“Ninety dollars,” said
Lem
truthfully.

“That’s very little, so I guess you’d
better plead guilty.”

“But I’m innocent,” protested
Lem
. “Wu Fong…”

“Stop,” interrupted Mr. Barnes,
hurriedly. He had turned pale on hearing the Chinaman’s name. “Take my advice
and don’t mention him around here.”

“I’m innocent!” repeated
Lem
, a little desperately.

“So was Christ,” said Mr. Barnes
with a sigh, “and they nailed Him. However, I like you; I can see you’re from
New England and I’m a New Hampshire man myself. I want to help you. You’ve been
indicted on three counts; suppose you plead guilty to one of the three and we
forget the other two.”

“But I’m innocent,” repeated
Lem
again.

“Maybe, but you
haven’t got enough money to prove it, and besides you’ve got some very powerful
enemies.
Be sensible, plead guilty to the charge of disorderly conduct
and take thirty days in the workhouse. I’ll see that you don’t get more. Well,
what do you say?”

Our hero was silent.

“I’m giving you a fine break,” Mr.
Barnes went on. “If I wasn’t too busy to prepare the state’s case against you,
I probably could get you sent away for at least fifteen years. But you see,
elections are coming and I have to take part in the campaign. Besides I’m a
busy man, what with this and what with that…Do me a favor and maybe I can help
you some time. If you make me prepare a case against you I’ll get sore. I won’t
like you.”

Lem
finally agreed to do as the prosecuting attorney asked. Three days later he was
sent to the workhouse for thirty days. The judge wanted to give him ninety, but
Mr. Barnes lived up to his part of the bargain. He whispered something to the
judge, who changed the term to the thirty days agreed upon.

A month later, when
Lem
was set free, he went directly to the savings bank for
his ninety dollars. It was his intention to draw out the entire amount, so that
he could get himself another set of false teeth and a glass eye. Without those
things, he could not hope to get a job.

He presented his passbook at the
paying teller’s window. After a little wait, he was told that they could not
give him his money because it had been attached by Seth
Abromovitz
.
This was too much. It took all the manliness of our hero to suppress the tear
that started to his good eye. With the faltering step of an old man, he
stumbled out of the bank building.

Lem
stood
on the steps of the imposing edifice, and looked blankly at the swirling crowds
that eddied past the great savings institution. Suddenly he felt a touch on his
arm and a voice in his ear.

“Why so blue,
duckie
?
How about a little fun?”

He turned mechanically and to his
amazement saw that it was Betty
Prail
who had
solicited him.