A Christmas to Remember (23 page)

Jared had had better weeks. In the two since his first night with Ilena, the flow of patients through his office had slowed to a trickle. If not for the financial aid his contract guaranteed from the local hospital and the town, there was no way he could keep the office open after a few more such weeks. It was the holidays, Joanie said.
People are busy. They’ll come soon.
He was sick of the B&B but no closer to finding a place to live, and the newness of Tallgrass had worn off.

He missed New York. He missed his condo and his friends and his familiarity with the city. He missed not having to be in charge. Having his own clinic and practicing rural medicine sounded better in theory than they were turning out to be in reality. He was out of his element and feared he always would be.

But he still had Ilena and John. That made everything else bearable.

It was the Saturday before Christmas, and he, Ilena, and John had spent another marathon day gift-wrapping. Like before, his back ached. It was a satisfying discomfort, though, this feeling that he’d done good. It was sad that he’d practically reached thirty without experiencing it more often.

It was cold outside, dark early thanks to the low-hanging clouds. Snow had begun to fall on the way back from the high school, thick flakes drifting lazily to the ground. A white Christmas, reporters were forecasting, a prospect that made Ilena dance with joy. She was in the kitchen, fixing dinner, and Jared and John shared the rug in front of the fireplace, lying on their bellies, studying each other. The kid was cute, round, solemn but willing to show off his lone tooth in slobbery smiles. When Jared stroked his cheek, John grabbed his finger and started to chew before he lost his balance and tumbled onto his side.

“You getting another tooth, buddy?” Jared stood and was swinging John onto his hip when his cell phone beeped. Expecting the sound of his mother’s voice, he answered reluctantly, then was surprised to hear a much lower rumble.

“You remember Perry Cookson?” Dad wasn’t much on hellos, either.

“Pediatric surgeon in New York. Sure.” Also a medical school friend of his parents and a golfing buddy whenever they could hook up. Three facts that made Jared’s gut tighten. “Why?”

“I saw him at a conference yesterday. He’s willing to take you on board to do general care, then get you into a surgical residency. All you have to do is call him. You can’t turn this one down, Jared. You can still take care of kids, but you’ll have the chance to do some real good. Though the residency doesn’t start until July, you can work in the clinic until then. What do you say?”

Jared’s first thought: New York. The one place he thought of as home.

Second:
Stop finding jobs for me. I have one, and I’m already doing real good.

Third: Ilena and John. Would they go with him? Could he leave them behind?

Last, and maybe most important: he didn’t want to do surgery. Jared swallowed hard and gently removed John’s chubby hand trying to pull his phone away. “I have an obligation here, Dad.”

“We can take care of that.”

Of course. His parents had the influence and the money to take care of everything that got in their way. “How much would it cost to buy out my contract?”

“I haven’t had my lawyer look into it, but it’s manageable.” His father’s voice was a shade triumphant. “I told you before, cash and someone to take your place, and they’ll jump at it. They didn’t hire
you
, Jared. They just wanted any warm body who managed to finish medical school.”

That stung. He’d always known his parents didn’t think highly of his career choices. He’d just hoped they would eventually accept them. Apparently, too much to ask.

Bouncing John to distract him, Jared said, “So I should… what? Tell the folks here, ‘Hey, something better came along. I’m heading back to the city before the end of the year’?”

“Well, your mother would hope before Christmas. Everyone will be at the cabin by Monday.”

John stretched, arms reaching over Jared’s shoulder, mouth broadening in the grin reserved for only one person. He babbled a few syllables that would soon become
Mama
as Jared turned to face Ilena standing in the doorway, stiller, paler than usual. It was the first time he’d seen her without a hint of pleasure on her face.

His gut knotting even tighter, he muttered, “I’ll call you back, Dad.”

She folded her arms across her middle, her gaze burning him like the hot blue flames produced by a Bunsen burner in the lab.

“That wasn’t what it sounded like,” he said lamely.

“It sounded like you wanted to know how to buy out your contract. That something better had come along. That you’re planning to go back to the city in the next week. If it wasn’t that, then what was it?” Her voice, usually layers of happiness, joy, and gratitude, was flat, her tone accusing.

He took a few steps toward her, but stopped again. “One of Dad’s friends offered me a job and his pull to get into a surgical residency in New York next summer. I didn’t ask him to do it. I didn’t say I was interested.”

“You didn’t say you weren’t interested.”

“This isn’t the first time Dad and Mom have interfered, Ilena. I told you, they wanted me to become a surgeon and to stay on the east coast. But I didn’t do either. I did the residency I wanted, and I signed a contract here.”

“One that you could buy your way out of.” Reaching for her, John started to fuss, and she closed the distance, swooping him into her arms before retreating again. “I thought you were committed to this job, Jared, to the people here, to the idea of giving back. I thought you were dedicated to filling a need, not just passing time until something better comes along. Is that why you haven’t moved out of the bed and breakfast? Why you haven’t had your personal stuff shipped? Because the only needs you’re dedicated to filling are your own?”

That stung, too, worse than his father’s comment. Dad was Dad—gifted hands, not so much on bedside manner. But Ilena… she
knew
him. She loved him, or so he’d thought.

His spine stiffened, a muscle in his jaw twitching. “That’s not fair. Okay, Tallgrass wasn’t quite what I expected. It’s been a little harder adapting. But I signed that contract, and my only intention has been to honor it every single day of those two years.”

She shifted John to the other side, looking small and fragile and hurt, and quietly asked, “What about after those two years?”

Jared didn’t mean to shrug. It seemed careless, something his father did all too often when he just didn’t care. “Maybe I would like it enough to stay. Or maybe—” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “Maybe I would go back to the city with the knowledge that I’d done what I set out to. I’d stood up to my parents.”

Her fair skin went paler. “So this has been your little rebellion. Taking the job, joining the fundation, helping the poor common people, and knowing it’s pissing your parents off.”

“I didn’t mean that, Ilena.” He closed the distance, reaching out to brush a strand of white-blond hair from her face. “I came here—”

For exactly those reasons. To prove he could find his own job, run his own life, and, especially, to spite his parents. “I never said I was here permanently. This whole venture is new to me. I knew I’d stay the two years, but after that…” If he’d really liked it, he might have stayed longer, but honesty forced him to admit that he’d never viewed it as anything more than temporary in his mind. He’d lived his entire life on the east coast. If he’d looked ahead into the future, that was where he saw himself—definitely not for two years, but probably in five.

She stepped back to put space between them. “What about John and me?”

“You would love New York.”

The flare of her nostrils let him know immediately that was the wrong thing to say. “Really? What led you to that decision? My growing up in a south Texas wide spot in the road? My staying in Tallgrass after Juan died? My sophistication and elegance and burning desire to escape small-town life for the big city?”

Acid churned in his stomach, and the aches in his spine were spreading up and through his brain. How had they gotten into this conversation? They should have been sitting down to eat by now, talking about nothing and laughing at John’s messes. They would have cleaned up together, bathed John, lit a fire, and watched TV, and before too long, they would have put the baby in his room and entertained each other in Ilena’s.

“You were an Army wife,” he said helplessly. “You moved several times with Juan. It’s part of life.”

Moments ticked by as she stared at him. Her mouth in a thin line, she quietly said, “I
am
an Army wife. One who’s not leaving Tallgrass for New York City.”

Her message was pretty clear. She’d given up home, job, and friends for Juan, but she wouldn’t do the same for Jared. She connected with Juan, even dead, more than with Jared.

The stomach acid calmed, the headache easing. He couldn’t feel anything for the icy numbness inside him. It allowed him to nod, to speak politely—“I’d better go”—and to turn and walk away. He got his coat and gloves from the closet and walked outside into the snow, hoping he stayed this numb for a long, long time.

* * *

Only once in her life had Ilena awakened on Christmas Eve without feeling as giddy as a child—last year, when she’d just buried a piece of her heart. This time the rest of her heart had merely been broken. She had survived heartache before and would do it again.

Besides, it was John’s first Christmas, and though he wouldn’t remember, she intended to make it the best ever. Even if her heart
was
broken.

With a sigh, she adjusted her elf cap, the jingling bells drawing John’s gaze. He wore his own elf costume, a one-piece snuggly in red and green, the stuffed toes curling up and sewn with bells. He had his own cap, too, but had yanked it off and alternated between waving it to ring the bells and stuffing it in his mouth to gnaw on. Teething was no fun.

Joanie joined them at the table near the decorated tree, cooed at John, then gave Ilena a critical look. “The doors are opening in one minute. Put on that big elf smile.”

Ilena bared her teeth, and Joanie drew back. “Hey, you don’t want to scare the kiddos. Where’s your Christmas spirit, elf?”

“It ran off.” Not quite true. It had walked out her door Saturday night and she hadn’t seen it since. But she had a talent for finding the good amidst the bad. Surely she could fake it long enough for a drib of it to become real.

Joanie’s gaze darted away as the big double doors at the far end of the community center gymnasium swung open, then she hugged Ilena. “Smile for the kiddos, hon, and we’ll talk afterward, okay?”

Ilena grudgingly bobbed her head, and Joanie took off. She moved John in his seat to a table against the wall as other volunteers began to join her. There would be a brief welcome, then songs, sweet treats, and snacks. After a visit from Santa, the fundation and its extra help would hand out gifts and all the makings for the traditional dinner. Everyone pitched in then, but right now Ilena was on treats duty.

The noise level in the gymnasium tripled as excited kids and their parents poured through the doors. No matter what else was wrong, the sound of happy kids always lightened Ilena’s mood. When the first wave hit the treats table, she was smiling wobbily, but soon enough it became a real grin. Only the Grinch could be immune to the children’s joy.

Grinch
made her think of Jared, and for a moment her smile wobbled again. She chatted with her margarita girls—Fia, Jessy, and Bennie—and sang a few carols though singing wasn’t one of her talents. Every few minutes she checked on John, always finding someone else fussing over him even when he dozed. There was only one exception, when Jessy interrupted her conversation with the baby to announce, “Ilena, this kid needs to be sanitized, sterilized, and antibacterialized. Damn, I’ve smelled cow poop that wasn’t this bad. Does he do that often?”

“Every day. You’d better get used to it. We’re all going to teach our kids to want only Aunt Jessy to change their diapers.” Slinging the diaper bag over her shoulder, Ilena picked up John and headed for a more distant table, half hidden behind a wall of collapsed bleachers. Talking in a baby voice, she freed John’s lower half from the outfit and took care of business. Her nose wrinkled as she tied the soiled diaper into a scented plastic bag, then tossed it into a garbage can. Jessy might have overreacted, but not by much.

“How can such a pretty boy be so stinky, huh?” she whispered as she dressed him again, kissing his feet, nuzzling his belly, pressing her face against his soft black hair. For a moment she stayed there, her heart full enough to overflow and empty enough to hurt. She drew a breath smelling of lavender soap, baby detergent, and wipes before straightening. “Everything’s going to be all right,
mijo
. You and me—that’s all we need. We’ll take care of each other and be the best family ever. Deal?”

“Um, Ilena?” The voice coming from around the corner of the bleachers was Fia’s, sounding a bit wary. “You need to come out here.”

“In just a minute. We’re almost finished.” She started to double-check all the snaps and flaps of John’s outfit, but Fia spoke again.

“No, you need to come now.”

Curious because Fia was never bossy, Ilena hefted John and the bag, then circled the end of the bleachers, where her feet stopped of their own accord. When Jessy took the baby from her, she hardly noticed. When she slid the bag strap off Ilena’s arm, Ilena let her maneuver her like a mannequin. She couldn’t help, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but stare.

There was an elf standing at the treats table. A tall, lean elf with blue-black hair and Irish blue eyes, wearing a green coat, gold tights, and curled-toe black shoes. His hat was conical, green with a gold stripe, and the expression on his face was priceless. Kids gaped, adults whispered, and the margarita girls waited, their excitement as palpable as Jared’s discomfort.

Ilena’s own response was simpler. She blossomed. Her eyes grew damp, her heart healed, and her Christmas joy returned in abundance. Wiping her clammy palms on her tunic, she moved closer.