A Break Up Survival Guide

By NANCY WYLDE

©2012 NANCY WYLDE

Copyright

Preface

IT’S OVER – The End Of Your World?

PUT YOUR HEALTH FIRST

BEAUTY

DATING

TRANSITIONING

CAREER

THE LAW OF ATTRACTION AND THE ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

TOOLS TO BRING YOU BACK INTO BALANCE

PARENTING

SUMMARY

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

LEAVE US A REVIEW :)

MORE ON NANCY WYLDE

RESOURCES

A BREAK UP SURVIVAL GUIDE

How Women Can Recover

After a Break Up

BY NANCY WYLDE

COPYRIGHT

All Rights Reserved © 2012 Nancy Wylde

Disclaimer and Terms of Use:  No information containted in this book should be considered as physical, health related, financial, tax or legal advice.  Your reliance upon information and content obtained by you at or through this publication is solely at your own risk.  The author assumes no liability or responsibility for damage or injury to you, other persons, or property arising from any use of any product, information, idea or instruction contained in the content provided to you through this book.

It takes two people to make a relationship and only ONE to end it.  It’s often assumed that the one who chooses to end a relationship not working for him or her doesn’t go through all the motions, feelings and experiences as the one who has been dumped.

Whether or not you choose to walk away or someone said goodbye to you, it is a painful experience, and the feeling that the rug has been pulled out from under your feet or that you’ve just been pushed off the precipice still remains.

These intense and powerful emotions that we deal with in these first few days, weeks and months can sometimes be so consuming that we become oblivious to everyone and everything else around us.

Though a grieving process is natural, it is important to maintain our balance, as spiralling downwards can have serious consequences. My first break up was after a 17 year marriage, one that I chose to end. For me, it was perhaps the most difficult decision to make, but it was a decision based on what was best for both of us.    

I could see our future; the writing was on the wall.  I would have ended up hating him with a passion and we would have ended up two strangers under the same roof with no love for one another, only contempt and disdain.  No one should live like that.  We are all children of God. 

We are all worthy and deserving of happiness, joy, laughter, love and the wonderful experiences that go with sharing a life with someone that we love and respect. Having had no experience in how to deal with my break up, having no resources or knowledge nor access to assistance and guidance through such an ordeal, I resorted to medication and alcohol, sometimes at the same time, to subdue and ease my agony.  And agonizing, it was. 

At the time of the break-up, I had three very small children whose lives were dramatically affected and an ex-husband for whom I did not hold any hatred or contempt for, but rather enough compassion to let him go because I had no choice but to be true to myself. For if I could not be true to myself, I could hardly dispense advice and counsel to anyone else. 

This title is the result of some of the things we either fail to do or need to remember to do after a break-up, when we are picking ourselves up off the floor, so to speak.  It isn’t rocket science and I certainly will not be able to tell you how to take the pain away, because no one can offer that.

Nevertheless, often we as women find ourselves with more challenges than men because many times we remain with children to care for while we are in that painful and sometimes desperate state, both emotionally and mentally.  Some also have no work, no career, none or limited income and no family, resulting in utter helplessness and desolation.

So it is my sincerest hope and aim to offer you tips, reminders and a little advice on what you can do to help yourself get through this difficult time, how to cultivate some self-love, become more present, more in the moment,  move joyfully forward toward a new you, a better you and achieve a new life that you CAN create over time with a little dedication and the willingness to work on yourself. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Only this I can promise you.

The first thing that happens when we are dealing with what seems to be the end of our world or our life is that our health suffers.  We stop eating well or we eat sporadically and it’s usually nothing substantial. 

Most times it is just barely enough to keep us going, such as coffee to keep us awake and keep us moving and junk food just for the sake of putting something in our mouths. Mostly, this is a result of friends and family saying, “You have to eat,” though in reality, we want nothing more than to stop eating, stop drinking and just roll over and die because it seems that a death has just occurred, and in a sense it has.

The death is our old lives and it is natural to feel a sense of grief.  A big part of us is no longer there.  We have invested so much in someone else and now that is gone

It is quite healthy to grieve.  In fact, I highly recommend it.  But do it in a way that is productive. 

Productive grieving?  Who ever heard of that?

After my first marriage of 17 years broke down, my father saw that I was not coping emotionally.

He came to speak with me one day and took me to a spot on the farm we lived on.  He said to me, “This is a spot I have made for you…a kind of grave if you like, a burial spot where I think you need to come to.  Find things of your past that you would like to bury, things that remind you of your past with your former husband. Then dig a hole, bury them and treat it like a grave.  Wear black clothing for a period of time and mourn if you must, but come here to grieve and then move on”

After he spoke, it was as if my father had offered me the key to moving on.  And in a way he did.

I followed his instructions to the letter.  I grieved and mourned at appropriate times, but when I walked away from that spot, I stopped grieving and mourning. I went on with what I call the business of daily living.

My life began to change little by little after that. 

Tip:
  Find a place in your backyard you can call your ‘memorial ground,’ if you wish, or if you live in an apartment, buy a huge pot with sand in it or fill it with dirt. There you have your little burial ground. Now bury things like his toothbrush, his comb, bits of a shirt you’ve torn up or something he’s left behind; anything that reminds you of that past life will do.  Visit it every day and cry if you want.  I’m going to tell you that one day you will forget to visit the memorial spot and then you will know you are on your way to healing!

Your health is your most valuable asset during this time because if your physical health goes down the drain, then nearly everything else will follow suit and by that I mean your health on a psychological and spiritual level, as well.

As you begin to spiral downwards into a bottomless abyss, you will find that it will most definitely affect every area of your life.  It serves you nothing to stay in a state of perpetual grief, depression, worry and utter desperation.  All it does is keep you there.

You do not do yourself or anyone else any favours by not eating, curling up in a ball and wishing to stay there until someone finds you, or until the next Prince Charming comes into your life to give you meaning.

Only you can find purpose and meaning for your life.  You cannot find your identity, your joy or raison d’etre in another person.  This book is NOT about how to replace the person you just lost with another one ASAP. Because to do that at this point would be nothing short of disastrous! 

You will have many well-meaning friends that say the way to heal a broken heart is to find another guy.  Really?  You are probably in a catatonic state.  A total mess right now.  Good for no one or nothing, and you really think this is a great time to find another relationship?  I don’t think so.

Tell your well-meaning friends that if they love you, they will help you heal. 

What you need is to put things into perspective right now, this very minute before you do anything.

When I suffered my first relationship breakdown, I turned to prescribed medication, and when that didn’t work (and it didn’t), I turned to alcohol.  Though it was I who ended the relationship, I still suffered through the grieving process that goes with separation.  I had lost the life I knew.  I was scared and felt as if the earth had opened up and swallowed me.  I wasn’t sure of anything.  Only 34 years young with three young children and I was so uncertain, emotionally and on almost every other level.  I had no self-esteem, no self-confidence and mostly feared everything. 

So the only way I felt I could cope was through medication at first.  This is not to say that medication does not have its place.  I am of the belief that if one requires prescribed medication, then one should go with it.  But for me, I did not do well with medication.  Without a doubt, the alcohol was destructive.  I did not have an addiction problem, as it was easy to toss away when I noticed it was the first thing I reached for when things were getting too hard for me.  Turning to medication or alcohol or any other form of substance to alleviate emotional pain is NOT productive.    I learned the hard way, but I learned, so for that I am grateful.

Tip A:
  Don’t use medication or alcohol as a way to get through the pain and trauma of separation.  It only serves to make you feel less and less in control of your life.  The way to healing is not in looking to sources outside of you for relief.  And I know only too well of the need for relief of that kind of agonizing pain.  You’ve been dumped or you had to end it.  The grief can send people insane, but the solution is to get to a place on your own that makes you feel better. 

During this time you may not feel like eating.  In fact, you won’t want to eat.  Your appetite will dwindle considerably or eating will just make you sick.  Avoid eating junk food, though you may not feel like cooking for yourself. I used to hate eating alone, so I wouldn’t bother eating, but that was not sensible. The last thing you need is your health to fail you. 

No one likes to eat alone and you probably have a better chance of eating if you have company, so either invite a girlfriend or family to eat with or go to their home.

After having had some experience with breakups, I learned that the only way up was eating to maintain my health.  I knew if I had my health, everything else would surely follow in time.  And it did.

By the time I got around to my third breakup, I was a real pro!  I was lucky enough to live next door to my family, and I’d make sure I would eat with one of my sisters or my parents.  Though I didn’t eat much, I would ensure I was eating properly and eat in company.  It makes a difference.  Pay attention and you’ll notice it yourself.

Likewise be careful about over-eating as a way of alleviating stress and anxiety.  This can result in unwanted weight gain.