A Better Man (The Men of Halfway House) (19 page)

He sat up and rubbed his wrist cuff.

He wasn't sure what had driven him to show Matt his wrist. He rarely took off the cuff and even wondered how his damn skin hadn't rotten away at some point. Lucky him. The reminder of what had happened was still clean and sharp, almost as if the scars had been preserved under the cuff. He hated them, but leaving them visible to the world opened the door for too many questions and glances. He wouldn't survive or make it through the day if he was busy beating the shit out of everyone for meddling.

He hadn't opened up about his childhood to anyone before, and certainly not in a relationship. The memories were tolerable while he kept them hidden away, but now, he had stirred them all up and it totally screwed with his head. He hated the insecurity he felt, the worry, the fear, and the hurt. In spite of this, if he had to open up to Matt to make things work, he'd push past the pain and try. Matt was worth it. He just hoped Matt felt Julian was worth the time and trouble.

He got out of his truck and walked up to the house. He debated a few moments more, standing outside the door with a death grip on the knob.

You can do this.

He took a few deep breaths to steady himself then quietly walked into the house and locked the doors behind him. He switched on the lights and saw Matt sitting on the first step of the stairs, hunched over. Matt blinked repeatedly, probably adjusting to the flood of light. He was clutching Julian's wallet tight against his chest. He saw Julian and straightened.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked hesitantly.

Julian expected the question after having left the house earlier in his frantic state. And now, looking down at himself, he knew he must have looked ragged. His clothes were wet with random patches of dried mud stains on his jeans. He felt tired, worn out, and completely exhausted.

"Not really," he answered quietly.

He saw Matt flinch. "I'm sorry I lied."

"I'm sorry I did whatever I did to make you think you couldn't tell me the truth."

Matt slowly stood, still clutching Julian's wallet as if it were a life preserver. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the stupid one who fucked up."

"You're not stupid," Julian immediately responded. "I hate that word." He had heard it enough times as a kid to develop a deep hatred for the spiteful word.

"Sorry."

"Stop saying that. I'm starting to hate that word too," Julian mumbled in response and looked away.

Matt took a hesitant step closer. Julian was afraid to turn his head, worried what he would see staring back at him in Matt's gaze. He closed his eyes and sharply inhaled when he felt Matt's hand on his cheek. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. He leaned into the caress, feeling the warmth of Matt's palm against his cool, still wet skin.

"I'm sorry I yelled," Julian said softly.

"I'm starting to hate that word too," Matt said quietly. "You were upset, not just because of what I said or didn't say, but because of the memories I dug up."

Julian finally opened his eyes and hesitantly looked at Matt. The gaze staring back at him offered nothing but love and understanding. Julian let out a strangled whimper, not knowing what to say. Matt smiled weakly as he rubbed his thumb along Julian's cheek. Matt then stuffed Julian's wallet in his own back pocket.

"Why are you holding my wallet hostage?"

"You're not getting it back until we talk."

Julian's chest tightened, his breathing became ragged, and his body began to shake. He wasn't sure if it was a result of the cold, wet clothes clinging to his body or the rawness of the panic he was feeling. He instinctively grabbed Matt and pulled him flush against his body, needing to feel him close.

Matt gripped him just as tightly. "I can't lose you, J," he said with a tremble in his voice.

Julian dipped his face in the crook of Matt's neck, letting the words flow through his senses. He inhaled Matt's scent, hoping to soothe his nerves. "I'm not good at dealing with emotions and shit," he quietly admitted before taking a step back to look at Matt. "I can try, but I can't promise I'm going to ever be any good at it."

"I know you were trying," Matt said cautiously and caressed Julian's cheek again. "I was just scared you'd leave."

"If you want me, I'll stay," he said hesitantly.

"I want you," Matt said with a tentative smile.

"Then I'll stay. If I don't understand something, you
make
me understand," Julian said desperately.

Matt grabbed a handful of Julian's damp shirt and pulled him close for a demanding, all-consuming kiss. Julian immediately responded and wrapped one hand around Matt's waist, the other gripping the hair at the back of his head. He devoured Matt's mouth, taking with desperation while giving every ounce of passion, need, and love he felt. He pulled Matt's quivering body closer when he felt a moan of need rumble in his throat.

Matt pulled away, gasping for air with his hands still gripping Julian's head. "You need to get these wet clothes off. You're too cold," he said nervously.

Julian nodded, trying to ignore the shivers that traveled his body.

He took Matt's extended hand and was led into their bedroom. They undressed and Julian toweled off the excess wetness. Matt lifted the comforter and took his side of the bed as Julian immediately joined him and nestled under the warm covers. They faced each other, heads resting on their pillows with their hands tucked underneath.

"I don't know where to start," Matt said, breaking the silence.

"Just tell me whatever you're ready to tell me. I can't do the sharing thing anymore tonight," he added weakly.

Matt's eyebrows lowered. "The sharing thing?"

"You talk, I'll listen. I can't…" He took a deep breath, waiting for the right phrase to come. He didn't want to seem selfish, but he couldn't handle another
my daddy was an asshole
session.

Matt reached out and placed his hand on Julian's hip. "I get it."

Julian absently nodded, thankful Matt wasn't pushing.

"My parents," Matt said with a sigh. "I guess that's a good place to start. My father runs the family textiles business. I hated it but they expected me to take it over someday. I worked there for years while I went to school. When I finished, I went against their wishes and used my finance degree to work in a trading company. I've always worked for my money. I don't have a family trust or inheritance or anything like that. I got a paycheck just like everyone else while I was there. My dad said it built character," he said the last words mimicking a serious monotone voice.

"My mom, well, I'm sure she was just happy to have more money available," he said sadly, shaking his head. "Anyways, I wanted to do something I actually enjoyed. I moved out and got my own place. I felt free for the first time in my life. I didn't have to fake so much all the time. I was even able to go out with guys."

Julian cleared his throat. "You said before, that your mom would disown you if she knew you were gay. So no one knows?" Julian asked, hoping to steer the conversation away from any ex-boyfriend related discussions. He couldn't handle jealousy right now.

"My parents don't know. My mother pushes me all the time to settle down, get married, have kids," Matt responded as he rolled his eyes then sighed.

"So you had no one?"

Matt smiled fondly. "I had an aunt, my father's older sister. She was always there for me. I'd go to her house all the time, which seemed to work out for my mom since I was out of her hair and she could socialize with her high society friends," Matt said, imitating a stuffy tone of arrogance.

"When I was a kid, she would always make the time to sit and play board games with me. As I grew up, she'd be my go-to person—I could talk to her about anything. Somehow, it seemed as if she had an answer to every single question I could ever think to ask. I loved her so much. She was everything my mother wasn't. I'd talk to her about school, friends, everything and anything, and she was always understanding and supportive. She listened, never got angry, and never judged. I knew I was gay when I was sixteen, and she was the first person I told." Matt smiled fondly. The love he felt for his aunt was obvious in the soft tone and subtle smiles as he spoke.

"What did she say?"

"She hugged me and said I was lucky that I knew who I was so early in life. Then she cracked some joke about how long it was taking my mom to figure out how much of a pain in the ass she was." He huffed a quiet laugh then looked at Julian intently. "This house is my aunt's legacy."

"Was it her idea?" Julian asked.

Matt shook his head. "It started off as Liam's idea. He was my cellmate and my only friend while in prison. I don't want to talk about him tonight," he finished sadly.

"Okay," Julian said and reached up to stroke the side of Matt's face.

"He was only a friend, J. But I think it might trigger a memory for you so I don't want to go there tonight," Matt added.

Julian wasn't exactly sure what that meant or which memory, but he wasn't going to question it. He couldn't handle being ripped open and gutted twice in one night. He nodded and lowered his hand to Matt's waist and pulled him a little closer.

"What happened, why the prison time?" Julian asked.

"After I left the family business, my brother wanted to escape as well. I took him under my wing, helped him with school, got him a job at the same company where I worked. We even shared an apartment. Aside from my aunt, he's the only other person who knew I was gay. It didn't bother him at all. He had so much potential, and I kept pushing him, driving him to learn and do more. I didn't get the support or motivation from home I wanted and I assumed he wanted the same. So I pushed it on him, but I ended up smothering him and I think that's what drove him away. He started drinking heavily and doing who knows what else. He made some bad decisions. It was my fault."

"What your brother chose to do with himself was not your fault."

Matt shook his head. "It was. I was the big brother. I should have been there to guide rather than push him. He had questions about some deals and was too afraid to come to me so he took advice from others and made some bad decisions. I was in my own world and didn't double check things and I just signed off on the trades. If I would have taken the time to look more closely, I would have known it was going to be a problem with the deals." He closed his eyes and pushed his head farther into the pillow then sighed.

"So the time you served was because of those bad deals?" Julian asked, encouraging him to continue.

Matt opened his eyes again. "Yeah," he said quietly. "White collar crimes and a lot of people lost money in their trades so someone had to pay. It was my signature on those documents so it was me. I was charged with insider trading and embezzlement."

"So you took the fall for him. I'm surprised the company or your lawyer didn't go back to the paperwork and see his name and figure it out."

Matt looked away, trying to hide his face in the pillow.

"Matt?"

Matt glanced at Julian then looked away again. "I went back and changed the documents so his name didn't appear on the transactions."

"Matt," he said softly. He couldn't imagine the guilt Matt felt thinking his brother may have served time for what he perceived to be his own negligence.

"Don't hate me," he said weakly. "I couldn't let him go to prison, he wouldn't have made it. I barely made it and I'm tougher than him."

Julian half smiled.

"Now you're just mocking me," Matt said with a hint of a pout.

"Keep on talking tough guy."

Matt snorted a laugh. "Smart-ass."

"Tough guy."

Matt smiled, his eyes sending an unmistakable message of relief. He looked away briefly before continuing. "The lawyers only expected a year or two tops since it was my first offense. He even thought I might just have an extended probationary period since there was no actual money exchanged. Everything was tied up in trades and paper transactions. The judge disagreed and got really pissed off. Implied I thought I would get off easy because of my family so he made me an example. I got seven years but Sam pushed to get me out early on good behavior. I was out in five."

"So I'm guessing I should thank Sam the next time I see him."

"You seem to enjoy giving him the evil eye when you think no one's looking."

Julian grunted. Giving Sam a glare was much tamer than beating the perky personality out of him. He got off easy as far as Julian was concerned.

"So Sam was like your counselor or something?"

"Something like that. He was there for me."

He was happy Matt had some support when he needed it, but he couldn't focus on Sam right now. "What happened with your family when you got out? I take it that didn't get better from what I heard earlier."

"It's been hell. My brother feels guilty and he's trying to get back on track. He stopped drinking and he's engaged now but the guilt is driving him crazy. He's trying but I can't handle him, and Mom and her lectures, and all the paperwork I need to do for the halfway house, and—"

"Breathe," Julian said, bringing his hand up again to stroke Matt's hair.

Matt sighed at the touch. "You're the one steady thing in my life, J. I can't lose you," he said on a shaky whisper.

Rather than spoon Matt as he usually did before falling asleep, Julian nudged Matt to lie on his back then Julian rested his head on Matt's chest.

"No more talking for today," he said, his shaky breath whispering across Matt's skin. He was exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Matt, holding him close, feeling the heat of Matt's skin warm his cool body. Julian could hear Matt's heart beat rapidly, much faster and harder than the norm. Matt wrapped his arms around Julian tighter than usual, almost protectively. Julian sighed, taking comfort in knowing he was in Matt's arms after everything that had happened that night. Matt's fingers slowly traced Julian's skin, soothing and caressing. Julian felt himself begin to settle and start to drift away.

It had been a rough few hours for the both of them and they obviously hadn't come out of it unscathed, but they did come out of it together, and that was what mattered most. Julian loved this man who held him so tightly and everything about him—the way he felt, the way he kissed, the way he made him feel wanted, the way his heartbeat seemed to calm the longer he held him. He hoped that he was Matt's anchor as much as Matt had become his.