A Beautiful Truth (28 page)

For weeks he tries to avoid everyone. He feels simultaneously superior and nervous.

Several of them make threatening gestures at him whenever they can. He is frightened of Jonathan and Burke and knows they will attack him again. Yet he is also not frightened of them. He feels their fists and feet but they also don’t seem real.

They attack him again and he runs away. He has nowhere to turn. He runs up the electrified tree and feels warm while his memory and emotions are cleaned, reordered and toasted. The dogpeople are all screaming below him. He jumps down carrying a charge and he is insensitive to the fact that perceptions of him are changing.

Fifi wants him.

He runs and sits and doesn’t know how to fight.

The ache for oa is universal. The arrival of the yek has provided some diversion but there is also even more instability.

The women don’t support Jonathan because they can no longer bear the pointed reprisals of Burke. His vigilance is greater than Jonathan knows. Jonathan writhes on the ground having far too many tantrums and they are all unwilling or afraid to give him comfort.

They feel that they are always being watched. Every movement can meet with Burke’s or Jonathan’s disapproval. Nothing can be done without consideration. Fear is in the air, even for Jonathan now as he tries to keep the women in his fold. Burke stands big whenever Jonathan makes overtures to someone. He stands over Magda when she leans forward for Jonathan. He seems twice the size of both of them. She bows low and trembles and Jonathan aches while the union is thwarted.

It is to this increasingly sexless place that Looee has arrived. Some are sympathetic to the fear of others and some are vigilant of misdeeds—eager to report the errors of others to win favour from Jonathan or Burke. There is skulking and looking over shoulders and constant silent scheming. Nothing grows but fear—desire won’t take root.

When Looee was on the CID Wing, he spent so long trying to survive that his sexual desire has effectively disappeared. He has breathed an air of fear more concentrated than this.

There could be a release. He could feel an opening here. But the dogpeople are as unattractive to him as the mothers are to Burke. Something stirs when he is allowed a glimpse of the researchers. Nail polish. Bermuda shorts. Like Dusty, he has developed an attraction to rubber and he ejaculates when he thinks of smelling a boot.

Burke squirts white when he sleeps. Fists, teeth, dying screams from the daughters of loose mothers. He pounds on Bootie who
himself has grown into this taboo World of a sister and men and frequent masturbation.

Mr. Ghoul has escaped with Fifi to the grove but the appointments grow more costly and less possible. Everyone is watching, wanting to join or wanting to report. Jonathan’s constant arousal has to be somehow hidden from Burke and there are times when he must use his hands to cover his urgent and telltale twig.

Looee has arrived in Berlin.

The new one shows an irrepressible interest in him.

He walks like a dog and is naked and he can’t believe the weather.

He is always the last to leave in the morning. He likes sleeping in and wants to avoid the communal breakfast, like anyone intelligent who stays at a B&B.

He craves the fresh air, and when he is outside he sits with his back to the wall of the building. The wall gets hotter in the sun as the day progresses, and he moves. He keeps his side or back to things whenever possible.

He has realized that Burke is the one to be afraid of. He knows that others are watching him and he tries not to make eye contact with anyone.

He isn’t able to distinguish them all yet. When he sees them alone he sometimes can’t remember who is who, but when some are together he can tell the difference.

Fifi is very fat. She seems to be gesturing for him to come over all the time, but she does it furtively and doesn’t look directly at him.

Burke is obvious because his hair is always on end and the others seem constantly aware of what he is doing.

Looee moves if any of them come close, and he moves especially
quickly if Burke or Jonathan approaches. He makes the effort to climb a tree.

The view is endless and reassuring.

He watches people on the roof of the building and on the observation posts. They come and go and eat sandwiches. Occasionally they throw things down, watermelons and bundles of sticks, and they point a camera at the pandemonium below. Looee watches with an arrogant eye and they point the camera at him. He is tempted by the watermelon.

He looks down and watches the dogperson who sleeps in the cage next to his. Mr. Ghoul finds a piece of watermelon that nobody has noticed. He quickly buries it. When noise dies down he goes to the edge of a thick group of bushes and trees and raises an alarm. He looks into the dark and hollers and the others are all curious. Burke runs in with some others and while everyone is occupied with the fiction in the grove, the dogperson comes back to eat his buried fruit in peace.

Looee thinks this is smart. His neighbour looks up to him in the tree. He holds up a piece as if he is offering it to Looee or is acknowledging that he has been caught.

The only tangible legacy of language research at Girdish, besides published papers neglected by the academy, is the piece of cardboard printed with lexigrams which Mr. Ghoul keeps in his cage.

Mama is the only other who was conversant with those symbols but she has been too busy with motherhood and negotiating the weakness of men, and she was never as good with the language as Mr. Ghoul was.

He offers things to the yek through their shared wall. He points to the pictures for Visitor and friend and he lists various things that he has eaten today.

Looee sleeps as much as he can. He feels safest in his night cage, but can’t stop fearing the approach of men with guns.

The grids between the adjoining cages are much larger than those in the distant dark of Congo. Like Dusty, the dogperson next to Looee passes objects to him through the grid. He can also extend his hand into Looee’s cage.

Bootie is in the bedroom next to Mr. Ghoul and Mama is next to Bootie. Mama can see through to Mr. Ghoul and the yek but can’t reach them. She watches Mr. Ghoul moving around and muttering and tapping on pictures.

Mr. Ghoul’s hand is dangling in Looee’s cage, hanging and waving.

Come here.

The researchers note that some of the females are carrying their pink swellings around like yesterday’s luxury.

For Mama, hope still drifts and struggles like a butterfly in the wind. She looks for change and sees it in her daughter and she wonders about the yek.

When she is pink she feels vulnerable. She wants someone to sit with.

Mr. Ghoul feels a protective urge towards her but he can never get near her.

Mama sees his back in his bedroom and wonders what he is doing with the yek. She finds the yek more interesting the longer Mr. Ghoul has his back turned.

And Looee remembers Larry.

He remembers his friend trying to get in his way and lock him in his house when he wanted to see Susan. Larry so brittle and weak.

Looee barks and Mr. Ghoul wonders why he is barking.

Looee screams and tries not to think of Larry and he jumps and finds all memories confusing. He screams and jumps up at the dogperson. He does so repeatedly to get the memories out.

He wanted to get outside. He wanted to see Susan and was tired of mummy always being in the way.

Mr. Ghoul is frightened.

Mama and Bootie see the yek looking huge and scary and soon all bedrooms are screaming.

Mama wants to touch the yek.

Mr. Ghoul walks in circles and sits in the corner and taps dirty dirty Visitor dirty.

Looee doesn’t remember what he was doing.

He looks at Mr. Ghoul with the cardboard symbols and the lights go off.

He remembers doing puzzles with Walt.

He wants to do the dogperson’s puzzle with him.

In the morning there is no one else in the cages and the sun shines brightly through the skylights. Looee’s better health and less constant fear of pain have made more space in his days for remembering. When he shifts he sees dust rise in the sunlight. He taps his blanket and sends up more. He remembers sitting on the living room couch when sun came through the windows, the same puff and smell of dust.

There is the loneliness that feeds on itself and turns one inwards till there is nothing left, not even breath. And there is the loneliness that sends one out to dispel it.

He wants to bring the dogperson’s puzzle to him outside but he doesn’t know how to open his cage to get it. He walks along the catwalk, out into the sun.

Mr. Ghoul is sitting alone. He sees the yek walking cautiously towards him. The yek keeps close to the pokol-fear and is oblivious to the movement of others.

Looee walks like some mythical god of boundaries, all rivals ignored as he claims his line. He sits near Mr. Ghoul.

They look at each other and Mr. Ghoul’s hand says come here.

They grunt and touch and each looks like a man who calmly sits with a struggling son and says okay let’s get this done.

They groom, assess, correct and reassure, two mirrors deeper than any made by hand.

Magda delays the serving of dinner by not coming inside. She wants attention. In the morning several of them beat her.

Looee learns the rules.

In the evening Mr. Ghoul puts his arm around Looee’s shoulders and encourages him inside.

Burke seems ever larger. His back is often turned, shoulders forward when he sits, and no one dares to go near him. He seems to be staring at some black domain that darkens the deeper he looks. But he is aware of what everyone does behind him.

In the evening he shoulders his way through the line towards dinner.

Looee feels a flash of heat behind one of his legs and he falls down.

Burke pushes through and the others find their way to their cages.

Looee is unable to put weight on his leg and he limps along the catwalk to the roof of his cage and climbs in.

His hamstring has been cut and partly severed by Burke’s teeth. It will be stitched in the morning. He can’t see it so he shows it to Mr. Ghoul. He lies on his side, pressed up against the partition,
and Mr. Ghoul tries to push the wound together with his fingers. He licks it and eats his dinner and spits his flavoured saliva on the wound.

Looee is afraid and dreams of retribution.

When Dr. Heinz, now retired, tried to encourage people to send their pet chimpanzees to Girdish, he delivered a brochure with photos of the field station. The photo on the cover was taken from within the enclosed garden. It is a typically sunny day. A stylish white building is blurred in the background, behind several chimpanzees who are sitting pensively on the lawn. Mr. Ghoul and Podo sit side by side and the caption reads Much of Their Life Is Spent in Thought.

For those who lost their pets, there was meant to be comfort for lonely moments.

Walt and Judy had kept the brochure.

He’s happy now sweetheart. I know he is.

I want him to forgive us.

Judy had nerve damage and a permanent swelling on one side of her face. Larry had to travel on a mobility scooter. Walt still met him a couple of times a month.

Walt took Judy to a speech therapist for two years after the
attack, and it always felt like Looee was sitting in the backseat of the car, staring at them, threatening them, silent.

Neither Larry nor Judy could remember much of that night, and Walt selectively focused on having pointed his rifle at him, Looee trying to hide from the gun in the corner with his arms protecting his head. Years after the violence and shock, they felt ashamed.

There were reporters and intrusions for a while and then long silence. Producers of a TV show approached them one day to be part of a feature on animal awareness. Judy thought it would be an opportunity to tell their story. She spoke for hours and showed them photos, and took them into Looee’s house, which she had avoided for a very long time. The feature ended up being called Wild Love. It had dramatic, cautionary music, blurred re-enactments, and focused on people who foolishly raised tigers, panthers, violent and endangered animals. Larry was shown toodling around Burlington on his scooter looking sad and fat. Walt looked even fatter. Stills of Looee’s house were flashed on the screen in a way that made it look like a dungeon. Hours of Judy’s conversation had been edited to a few short sentences. She held a picture of him when he was four, saying he was just so cute … He tore the house down … I miss his hugs. Her face was disfigured. They were three suitably bloated freaks on the fringes of America.

At Viv’s the question was asked.

What the fuck were they thinking.

Walt had a dream, more a sensation than a dream, that woke him up regularly. He was against a body. Lips, hair, warm breath on his face. Arms that were strong on his behalf, a father’s or a friend’s. It was Looee, but it wasn’t.

Most of their friends avoided them. Mr. Wiley remained an unexpectedly good neighbour. Soon after he died they moved to
Burlington. Judy said she wanted to leave the woods. Some days they thought there was too much colour and noise in the city. Walt felt oppressed by opinions on the news, but delivered more himself.