A Baby's Cry (35 page)

We drove to Rihanna’s flat and arrived just before four o’clock. When Rihanna opened the door with Harrison in her arms she looked ‘hot and bothered’ and I wondered what had gone wrong.

‘Cheryl’s just left,’ she said, showing us into her flat. ‘She was here for over two hours! I know she has to observe me with Harrison but I felt as if I was at the family centre again and my life depended on what she wrote.’

‘Try not to worry,’ I said. ‘I’m sure you did very well.’

‘I hope so. I think it went all right,’ Rihanna said tentatively. ‘Cheryl is coming again on Wednesday, and then when Harrison has moved in. She said that visit will be unannounced, so she won’t be telling me when she’s coming.’

‘That’s normal,’ I said. ‘She has to make a few unannounced visits for her report.’

Rihanna nodded and then put Harrison into his jacket, while he looked slightly bewildered, presumably realizing he was on the move again but not understanding why. Rihanna carried him out to the car and strapped him into his seat, but as she said goodbye he began to cry. Rihanna looked at me anxiously. ‘He doesn’t want to leave me.’

‘He’ll be fine once we’re on our way,’ I said.

She said goodbye again and closed the rear car door and then waved until we were out of sight. But Harrison continued to cry.

‘Harry doesn’t like us any more,’ Paula said, close to tears herself.

‘Of course he does,’ I said, glancing in the rear-view mirror. ‘He’s just a bit confused.’

Which was only partly true, for I also knew that as a result of all the time Harrison had spent with his mother he was gradually transferring his affections to her. Harrison screwed up his face and opened his mouth wide – a sign he was about to wail – but Adrian leant over and blew a raspberry on his cheek, which made him chuckle instead.

‘Well done, Adrian.’ I said. ‘We’ll have to remember that trick for next time.’ Adrian blew another raspberry on Harrison’s cheek and Harrison giggled loudly, which made us all laugh.

That night Harrison settled more easily at bedtime, possibly because he was growing used to sleeping in two different cots. Once he was asleep I spent some time talking to Adrian and Paula, reassuring them that Harrison would be very happy with his mother, and that Cheryl had said we could visit him about a week after he’d moved. I also reminded them that we would be going to Nana and Grandpa’s on Sunday for the day, which was something to look forward to.

Tuesday and Wednesday followed the same schedule as Monday: I took Adrian and Paula to school, Harrison to his mother, collected Adrian and Paula from school, and then the three of us collected Harrison from Rihanna. Although all these visits were important for Harrison so that the move to his mother ran smoothly, by Wednesday I think we were all waiting for the end of the week. It felt as if we were in limbo. I was a part-time foster carer for Harrison, Rihanna was his part-time mother, Adrian and Paula had a foster sibling sometimes, while poor Harrison didn’t know whether he was coming or going.

However, when Thursday morning arrived – the time Adrian and Paula had to say goodbye – it was a different matter, and I had mixed feelings as to whether this was the best ending. For while Adrian and Paula would be at school on Friday, and therefore spared the upset of actually seeing Harrison go with all his belongings, not being present denied them closure and seemed to marginalize the enormity of the event for them.

‘Why can’t Harry go on Saturday?’ Paula asked. ‘Adrian and me are home then.’

‘Cheryl said it had to be Friday,’ I said. ‘Probably because the social services offices are closed on Saturday.’ Which I thought was the most likely reason – Cheryl and her colleagues wouldn’t be available on Saturday if there was a problem with the move.

We were in the hall, putting on our shoes and coats, ready to leave for school. I wanted Adrian and Paula to say goodbye to Harrison now, in the privacy of our home, rather than in the school playground, which might be difficult for them. ‘Give Harrison a big hug and say goodbye,’ I said lightly to Adrian and Paula, staying positive. ‘Say “see you in a week”.’

They did, with surprising ease, and we got in the car and I drove to school. It wasn’t until we were in the playground and the bell sounded for the start of school that reality suddenly hit. Paula, now realizing this was the last time Harrison would be in the playground, grabbed Harrison’s hand and burst into tears.

‘I’m not going into school today,’ she told him. ‘I’m going to stay with you.’

Adrian looked embarrassed but was also clearly upset and reluctant to say goodbye. His face was serious and I knew how he hated seeing Paula cry.

‘You’ll see Harrison again soon,’ I said comfortingly.

Neither child moved and Harrison, who had stopped his usual gay chattering, looked as if he was about to cry too.

‘Say goodbye and go and join your friends,’ I encouraged Adrian. ‘Paula will be fine. I’ll explain to her teacher.’

Adrian hesitated and then, kissing Harrison’s forehead and giving him a big hug, went over to join his class, who were going into school. I moved round to face Paula, who was still holding Harrison’s hand, her little cheeks wet.

‘Paula, love,’ I said, wiping away her tears, ‘you need to go into school too. Harrison will be fine, and we’ll talk more this evening. Shall I ask your teacher if you can sit in the quiet room for a while?’ The quiet room, also known as the medical room, was attended by a welfare lady, who was kindness itself and made children better if they fell over, fell out with friends or just needed some time out.

Paula slowly nodded. I eased her hand from Harrison’s and held it as we crossed the playground to where her class teacher was seeing her class into the building. When her teacher saw Paula upset she exclaimed: ‘Dear me, Paula, that’s not like you. Whatever is the matter?’

Paula gave a little sob and more tears appeared.

‘Could I speak to you?’ I asked her teacher. She moved slightly away so that the other children couldn’t overhear us. ‘Paula is upset because we’re having to say goodbye to Harrison,’ I said. ‘He’s leaving us and going to live with his mother.’

‘Oh dear,’ she said, her brow furrowing. ‘I can see why she’s upset.’

I nodded. ‘I was wondering if Paula could spend a few minutes in the quiet room with Mrs Wilson until she feels better? I’ll be home again in an hour, so if Paula’s still upset then I could come and collect her and take her home.’

‘Of course. I’ll explain to Mrs Wilson.’ She held out her hand to Paula and said: ‘Would you like Mrs Wilson to read you a story?’

Paula nodded, dropped my hand and took hold of her teacher’s. ‘Bye, Harry,’ she said as fresh tears welled in her eyes. ‘Bye. I’ll always love you.’

I swallowed hard. ‘Take care.’ I watched her walk into school beside her teacher and then I turned and crossed the playground.

It was at times like that that I questioned if fostering was right for my family and if by fostering I was doing Adrian and Paula real emotional damage. That morning I left the playground with a heavy heart, aware my children were very upset because the baby they’d loved as their little brother was leaving us for good, and it was my fault for fostering.

Chapter Thirty-One

Goodbye Harrison

I
n contrast to how Adrian, Paula and I were feeling that Thursday morning Rihanna was euphoric. She appeared from the door to the flats as soon as I drew up. With a huge smile on her face she ran down the path and greeted us.

‘Hi, Harrison, my treasure,’ she cried, opening the rear door of the car as soon as I’d parked. ‘You’re staying with me tonight! And guess who’s coming to see you later?’ Harrison couldn’t guess. ‘Your grandmother!’

‘Is she?’ I asked, surprised, as I got out of the car.

‘She telephoned yesterday evening,’ Rihanna said, reaching into the car and unfastening Harrison’s seatbelt. ‘We had a long talk. Now she’s finally accepting I’m serious about bringing up Harrison, and I’m not going to be persuaded out of it, she’s having to re-think.’

‘Good,’ I said. ‘I am pleased.’

‘She’s still got a way to go yet,’ Rihanna added.

I nodded, for I remembered the woman who’d sat on my sofa, unable to touch or even talk to her grandson, and thought she did have a long way to go before she became a doting grandmother, but at least this was a start.

I locked the car and followed Rihanna up the path and into her flat. ‘You’ll need these,’ I said, passing her the carrier bag I’d brought from home.

She peered into the bag and sighed gratefully. ‘Thanks, Cathy. You think of everything!’ Rihanna took out the soft toy panda and bear which she’d originally bought for Harrison and had sat at the foot of his cot every night. Harrison beamed, delighted, when he saw them.

‘I should put them in the same place in his cot here,’ I suggested.

‘Yes, of course,’ Rihanna said, understanding the importance of this. ‘Then if he does wake he’ll see them and feel secure.’

‘But don’t be surprised if he’s a bit unsettled tonight,’ I added. ‘Although he’s used to having a short nap in his cot here during the day it will be the first time he’s slept in it at night.’

‘I won’t panic – don’t worry.’ Rihanna smiled.

I returned her smile. ‘I know you won’t. You’ll be fine. Well, I’ll say goodbye, then. I’m going home to pack all his belongings so I’ll have everything ready for when you arrive tomorrow.’

Hearing the word ‘bye’ Harrison cutely pursed his lips and began leaning from his mother’s arms towards me, ready to give me a goodbye kiss. Rihanna and I both laughed. I lowered my head so that my cheek was within his reach and felt his warm lips press lightly against my skin.

‘Have a good day,’ I said to them both. Turning, I left the room and then let myself out of the flat.

Aware I had a lot of packing to do, I’d left the day free for that purpose. Although Harrison had been spending most of each day with his mother that week, he’d returned each evening, so his belongings were all over the house, as any family member’s are. As if to prove the point, as soon as I got home and opened the front door I saw Harrison’s winter coat hanging on the hall stand. He’d been wearing a lighter jacket recently but I’d left his winter coat out in case the spring days suddenly turned cold. So that I wouldn’t forget it I unhooked the coat from the stand and put it at the foot of the stairs, ready to take up when I next went.

I continued through to the kitchen, where the high chair stood beside the table as I’d left it that morning, with the bib Harrison had been wearing at breakfast on the tray. I put the bib into the washing machine, collapsed the high chair and carried it upstairs, together with Harrison’s coat. I propped the high chair against the wall on the landing, ready to go in the loft later, and I took Harrison’s coat into his bedroom for when I packed his clothes.

Returning downstairs I filled the kettle and made a cup of coffee. I opened the drawer that contained Harrison’s clean bibs and, taking them out, I set them to one side to pack. I washed and dried Harrison’s plate, beaker, bowl and spoon, which I also set to one side to give to Rihanna. Although Rihanna had bought her own, these were Harrison’s as far as I was concerned and I thought she could use them as spares. I sipped my coffee, then emptied the sterilizing unit and took it to the foot of the stairs, ready to go into the loft later. Returning to the kitchen I cleared out the baby bag, variously disposing of its contents into cupboards and drawers or on the pile to give to Rihanna. I returned the bag for general use to the cupboard under the stairs, from which I took out a couple of large laundry-style bags I’d bought for packing. My thoughts went briefly to Ellie and the horror this cupboard had first held for her until I’d exorcized it by leaping in and out and making her laugh. I wondered how Ellie was doing now and I hoped Jill would tell me the outcome when Ellie’s case went to court and a decision on her future had been made.

In the kitchen again, I packed the items to give to Rihanna and then cleared the baby food from the cupboard, throwing away the packets that had been opened and packing the unopened ones to give to Rihanna. It was unlikely I’d be fostering a baby again in the near future. Once the kitchen was clear I went into the sitting room, where I folded and packed the play mat. The first bag was full and I began on the second, filling it with Harrison’s toys, of which there were many. Not wanting Adrian and Paula to be confronted with the bags when they came in from school, which they might have found upsetting, once they were full I took them upstairs and stowed them in Harrison’s bedroom.

Downstairs again, I finished my coffee, took another laundry bag from the cupboard under the stairs and then checked the sitting room for any stray toys. I found a squeaky toy behind one of the cushions and I packed it. I then went through the rest of the downstairs of the house, picking up any stray toys, and once satisfied I’d spotted everything, I went upstairs to begin on Harrison’s bedroom.

Concentrating on the task in hand and avoiding any thoughts of Harrison leaving, I first took the bedding from the cot and put that in the laundry basket. Next, I collapsed the cot and put it on the landing with the other items to go into the loft. I then went into the bathroom, where I bagged up Harrison’s bathtime playthings, together with his towel, soap, sponge and flannel, which I would give to Rihanna. It was then I realized that Harrison’s car seat and pushchair were still in the car. Going downstairs I went to the car, where I took the pushchair from the boot and car seat from the rear and brought them indoors. I wouldn’t need them any more. I carried them upstairs and stacked them on the landing, to be returned to the loft later. All that was left to pack now was Harrison’s clothes, and I returned to his bedroom. Reaching on top of the wardrobe, I carefully lifted down the trolley case that Rihanna had packed and left at the hospital for when I’d collected Harrison. Who would have thought that ten months later I’d be repacking it so that Harrison could go home to his mother? It was incredible and fantastic, as Jill had said: a truly happy ending.