92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (6 page)

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7
How to Come Across

as 100 Percent Credible

to Everyone

My friend Helen is a highly respected headhunter. She makes terrific hires for her clients and I once asked her the secret of her success. Helen replied, “Probably because I can almost always tell when an applicant is lying.”

“How can you tell?”

She said, “Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm. Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right. Her hands were comfortably resting in her lap and she was looking directly at me.

“I asked her salary. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she told me. I asked if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at me, she said, ‘yes.’ Then I asked her why she left her previous job.

“At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining eye contact with me.” Helen continued. “Then, while answering my question, she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg over her left. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth.”

Helen said, “That’s all I needed. With her words she was telling me she felt her ‘growth opportunities were limited at her previous firm.’ But her body told me she was not being entirely forthright.”

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Helen went on to explain the young woman’s fidgeting alone wouldn’t prove she was lying. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said, that she wanted to pursue the subject further.

“So I tested it.” Helen explained. “I changed the subject and went back to more neutral territory. I asked her about her goals for the future. Again, the girl stopped fidgeting. She folded her hands in her lap as she told me how she’d always wanted to work in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with more than one project.

“Then I repeated my earlier question. I asked again if it was only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her previous position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.”

Helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the truth. The applicant had been fired because of a nasty disagreement with the marketing director for whom she worked. Human resources professionals who interview applicants and police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies. They know specifically what signals to look for. The rest of us, although not knowledgeable about specific clues to deceit, have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth. Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an inhouse booking agent. After interviewing one fellow she said to me,

“I don’t know. I don’t really think he has the success he claims.”

“You think he’s lying to you?” I asked.

“Absolutely. And the funny thing is I can’t tell why. He looked right at me. He answered all my questions directly. There was just something that didn’t seem right.”

Employers often feel this way. They have a gut feeling about someone but they can’t put their finger on it. Because of that, many large companies turn to the polygraph, or lie detector, a mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 33

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Banks, drugstores, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for preemployment screening. The FBI, Justice Department, and most police departments have used the polygraph on suspects. Interestingly, the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system—

changes in breathing patterns, sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood pressure, and other signs of emotional arousal.

So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place. When that happens, the individual might fidget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the polygraph.

Beware of the Appearance of Lying—

Even When You’re Telling the Truth

Problems arise for us when we are not lying but are feeling emotional or intimidated by the person with whom we are talking. A young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight. A woman talking about her company’s track record to an important client could rub her neck. More problems arise out of the atmosphere. A businessman who doesn’t feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the room is hot. A politician giving a speech outdoors could blink excessively because the air is dusty. Even though erroneous, these fidgety movements give the listeners the sense something just isn’t right or a gut feeling that the speaker is lying.

Professional communicators, alert to this hazard, consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They fix a constant gaze on the listener. They never put their hands on their faces. They don’t massage their arm when it tingles or rub their nose when it itches. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 34

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beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility. Consider the infamous September 25, 1960, televised presidential debate between Richard Milhous Nixon and John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack of makeup, his fidgeting, and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election.

If you want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody, try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communication counts. I call the technique “Limit the Fidget.”

Technique #7

Limit the Fidget

Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not

fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above

all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand

motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your

listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.

Now let’s tackle intelligence. “What?” you ask. “Can people come across as more intelligent than they really are?” Well, did you ever hear of Hans, the counting horse? Hans was considered the most intelligent horse in history, and he used the technique I’m about to suggest.

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8
How to Read People

Like You Have ESP

Hans, a very clever horse, inspires this next technique. Hans was owned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof. So prodigious was Hans’s ability that the horse’s fame quickly spread throughout Europe in the early 1900s. He became known as Clever Hans, the counting horse.

Herr von Osten taught Hans to do more than just add. Soon the horse could subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the multiplication tables. The horse became quite a phenomenon. Without his owner uttering a single word, Hans could count out the size of his audience, tap the number wearing glasses, or respond to any counting question they asked him.

Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from animal—language. Hans “learned” the alphabet. By tapping out hoof beats for each letter, he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio. He could even answer common questions about history, geography, and human biology.

Hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at dinner parties throughout Europe. The “human horse” quickly attracted the attention of scientists, psychology professors, veteri
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narians, even cavalry officers. Naturally they were skeptical, so they established an official commission to decide whether the horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius. Whatever their suspicions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Compared to other horses, Hans was a Somebody. Cut to today. Why is it when you talk with certain individuals you just know they are smarter than other people—that they are a Somebody? Often they’re not discussing highfalutin subjects or using two-dollar words. Nevertheless, everybody knows. People say, “She’s smart as a whip,” “He doesn’t miss a trick,” “She picks up on everything,” “He’s got the right stuff,” “She’s got horse sense.” Which brings us back to Hans.

The day of the big test arrived. Everyone was convinced it must be a trick orchestrated by Herr von Osten, Hans’s owner. It was standing room only in the auditorium filled with scientists, reporters, clairvoyants, psychics, and horse lovers who eagerly awaited the answer. The canny commission members were confident this was the day they would expose Hans as chicanery because they, too, had a trick up their sleeves. They were going to bar von Osten from the hall and put his horse to the test all alone.

When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave the auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious audience.

The confident commission leader asked Hans the first mathematical question. He tapped out the right answer! A second. He got it right! Then a third. Then the language questions followed. He got them all right!

The commission was befuddled. The critics were silenced. However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted on a new commission. The world waited while, once again, the authorities gathered scientists, professors, veterinarians, cavalry officers, and reporters from around the world.

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Only after this second commission put Hans to the test did the truth about the clever horse come out. Commission number two started the enquiry perfunctorily with a simple addition problem. This time, however, instead of asking the question out loud for all to hear, one researcher whispered a number in Hans’s ear, and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expected Hans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha!

The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you guess what that was?

Here’s a hint: when the audience or researcher knew the answer, Hans did, too. Now can you guess?

People gave off very subtle body-language signals the moment Hans’s hoof gave the right number of taps. When Hans started tapping the answer to a question, the audience would show subtle signs of tension. Then, when Hans reached the right number, they responded by an expulsion of breath or slight relaxation of muscles. Von Osten had trained Hans to stop tapping at that point and therefore appear to give the right answer.

Hans was using the technique I call “Hans’s Horse Sense.” He watched his audiences’ reactions very carefully and planned his responses accordingly.

If a Horse Can Do It, So Can You

Have you ever been watching TV when the phone rings? Someone asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk. Because there’s no sound now, you watch the TV action more carefully. You see performers smiling, scowling, smirking, squinting, and scores of other expressions. You don’t miss a bit of the story because, just from their expressions, you can tell what they’re thinking. Hans’s Horse Sense is just that—watching people, seeing how they’re reacting, and then making your moves accordingly. Even while you’re talking, keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they’re responding to what you’re saying. Don’t miss a trick. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 38

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Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what they’re hearing.

Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched? Maybe they don’t. Are they rubbing their necks? Are they stepping back? Are their feet pointing toward the door? Maybe they want to get away. You don’t need a complete course in body language here. Already your life’s experience has given you a good grounding in that. Most people know if their conversation partners step back or look away, they’re not interested in what you’re saying. When they think you’re a pain in the neck they rub theirs. When they feel superior to you, they steeple their hands.

We’ll explore more body-language specifics in Technique #77: Eyeball Selling. For the moment, all you need to do is tune to the silent channel being broadcast by the speaker.

Technique #8

Hans’s Horse Sense

Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking.

Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your

listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan

your moves accordingly.

If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say

you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick.

You’ve got horse sense.

You now have eight techniques to help you come across as a confident, credible, and charismatic person who makes everyone he or she comes in contact with feel like a million. Let’s explore one last technique in this section to put it all together and make sure you don’t miss a beat.

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9
How to Make

Sure You Don’t Miss

a Single Beat

You’ve seen professional skiing on television? The athlete at the top of the piste, every muscle primed and poised, waiting for the gun to propel him to ultimate victory. Look deeply into his eyes and you’ll see he is having an out-of-body experience. In his mind’s eye, the skier is swooshing down the slope, zapping back and forth between the poles, and sliding across the finish line in faster time than the world thought possible. The athlete is visualizing. All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers, lugers, swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic before performing it. They see their own bodies bending, twisting, flipping, or flying through the air. They hear the sound of the wind, the splash in the water, the whirr of the javelin, the thud of its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust. Before they move a muscle, professional athletes watch the whole movie, which, of course, ends in their own victory.