92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (24 page)

Lit tle Strokes

Don’t make your colleagues, your friends, your loved

ones look at you and silently say, “Haven’t I been pretty good today?” Let them know how much you appreciate

them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like

“Nice job!” “Well done!” “Cool!”

Little Things Mean a Lot

Little Strokes are indeed, little. But as every woman knows, they mean a lot. I’ve yet to meet a woman who wouldn’t agree with these lyrics from an old song sung by Kitty Kallen:

Blow me a kiss from across the room.

Say I look nice when I’m not.

Touch my hair as you pass my chair.

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Little things mean a lot.

Send me the warmth of a secret smile

To show me you haven’t forgot.

For always and ever, now and forever,

Little things mean a lot.

To further complicate the art of the compliment, one must consider timing. Blatant, barefaced, brazen flattery turns all but the blindest egomaniacs off. But the human animal never fails to amaze observers. There are moments when, if you don’t give a blatant, barefaced, brazen compliment—even to a bright individual—you lose. The following technique defines those moments. 06 (199-228B) part six 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 217

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How to Praise with

Perfect Timing

I’ll never forget the first time I gave a luncheon speech in front of strangers. I’d practiced for the stuffed animals on my bed and my roommate, Christine, but this was my debut in front of a real audience.

As I shakily got to my feet, I looked out at seventeen smiling Rotarians waiting for my words of wit and wisdom. My tongue was dry as chalk dust, my palms as wet as a fish. The audience might as well have been seventeen thousand judges waiting to sentence me to eternal humiliation if I didn’t inform and entertain each. I gave a last panic-stricken glance at Christine, who had driven me to the club, and began, “Good afternoon. It gives me great pleasure . . . ”

Thirty minutes later, amidst scattered applause which I feared was obligatory, I crawled back to my seat next to Christine. I looked expectantly at her. She smiled and said, “You know this dessert isn’t bad. Have some.”

Dessert? “Dessert! Dammit, Christine, how did I do?” I silently screamed at her. A few minutes later Christine told me how much she and, she assumed, everyone else enjoyed my talk. Nevertheless, by then it was too late. The crucial compliment-craving moment had passed.

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Quick as a Hiccup, You Must

Compliment NOW

When the doctor sadistically smacks your knee with that nasty little rubber hammer, you instantly give a knee jerk. And when people make a coup, you must instantly hit them with a knee-jerk

“Wow, you were great!”

Say they’ve just successfully negotiated a deal, cooked a terrific Thanksgiving turkey, or sung a solo song at the birthday party. No matter whether their accomplishment is trivial or triumphant, you must praise it immediately—not ten minutes later, not two minutes later—immediately. The moment the winner walks out of the boardroom, the kitchen, the spotlight, the victor wants to hear only one sound: “WOW!”

Technique #57

The Knee-Jerk “ Wow!”

Quick as a blink, you must praise people the moment

they a finish a feat. In a wink, like a knee-jerk reaction say, “You were terrific!”

Don’t worry that they won’t believe you. The

euphoria of the moment has a strangely numbing effect

on the achiever’s objective judgment.

But What If They Really Bombed?

“Are you asking me to lie?” you ask. Yes. Absolutely, positively, resoundingly, YES. This is one of the few moments in life where a lie is condoned by the most ethical individuals. Big winners realize that sensitivity to an insecure performer’s ego takes momentary precedence over their deep commitment to the truth. They 06 (199-228B) part six 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 219

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also know, when sanity returns to the recipient and they suspect they screwed up, it won’t matter. He or she will retroactively appreciate your sensitivity and forgive your compassionate falsehood. We’ve talked a lot about giving compliments, both covert and overt. Now let’s talk about a skill that, for many, is even harder—

receiving them.

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How to Make ’Em Want

to Compliment You

We have a national weakness: we don’t know how to receive a compliment! In fact, I would like to dedicate the following technique to my French friends who contend the French are better at everything. Well, I concede one point. The French are, indeed, better at receiving compliments. I’ll explain how shortly. Americans, unfortunately, are beastly at accepting adulation. If someone compliments you and you react clumsily out of embarrassment, you unwittingly start a vicious cycle. A friend ventures a compliment:

He: (smiling) “Hey, that’s a nice dress you’re wearing.”

She: (frowning) “Oh, this old thing?”

He: (thinking) “Whoops, she didn’t seem to like hearing that. She thinks I have terrible taste to like that dress. I’d better keep my mouth shut.”

Three weeks later . . .

She: (thinking grumpily) “He doesn’t ever give me compliments anymore. What a boor!”

He: (thinking gloomily) “What’s her problem?”

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“Girls Don’t Like What?”

Several months ago in one of my seminars, the group was discussing compliments. One fellow insisted that “girls don’t like compliments.”

“Girls don’t like what?” I asked incredulously.

He explained, “I once told a woman she had beautiful eyes. And she said, ‘Boy, are you blind.’ ” The poor chap was so wounded by her reaction, he became gun-shy and had not aimed a compliment at a female since. What a shame for womankind and what a blight on his social skills.

Upon receiving a compliment, many people demur or proffer an embarrassed little “Thank you.” Worse, they protest, “Well, not really, but thanks anyway.” Some people toss it off with, “just luck.”

When you react this way, you visit a grave injustice on the complimenter. You insult a well-meaning person’s powers of perception.

“Vous Êtes Gentil”

Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall phrase. Upon receiving a compliment, they say, “
Vous êtes gentil
.”

Loosely translated, that is “How kind of you.”

An American saying “How kind of you” could sound stilted—

like the little flower girl in
My Fair Lady
trying to be cultured. Nevertheless, we Yanks can express the French
gentil
sentiment with a technique I call “Boomeranging.”

When you toss a boomerang, it makes an almost 180-degree swerve in midair and soars back to land at the feet of the thrower. Likewise, when someone tosses a compliment your way, let the good feelings soar back to the tosser. Don’t just say “Thanks.” (Or worse,

“Oh it’s nothing.”) Let them know of your gratitude and find a way to compliment them for their compliment. A few examples: 06 (199-228B) part six 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 222

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She says, “I like those shoes.” You say, “Oh I’m so happy you told me. I just got them.”

He says, “You really did a good job on this project.” You say,

“Oh, that’s so nice of you to tell me. I appreciate your positive feedback.”

You can also Boomerang the good feelings back when people ask you a question about your family, a project, an event, or anything that shows they are interested in you. Your colleague asks, “How was your vacation in Hawaii?” You answer, “Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great, thanks.”

Your boss asks, “Are you over your cold now?” You answer, “I appreciate your concern. I feel much better now.”

Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the form of a compliment or concerned question, reflect it back on the shiner.

Technique #58

Boomeranging

Just as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let compliments boomerang right back to the giver. Like

the French, quickly murmur something that expresses

“That’s very kind of you.”

Incidently, in that seminar, I decided to do womankind a favor by setting malekind straight on compliments once and for all. I asked the fellow who swore women hated praise to give three women sitting near him a sincere compliment. He chose the woman with “the beautiful silver hair sitting behind him,” the girl 06 (199-228B) part six 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 223

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with the “hands like a pianist” to his left, and the lady with “the lovely deep-blue eyes” on his right. He told them all.

Three women waltzed out of the room that night feeling a little better about themselves than when they walked in. And, I hope, for all the women he would yet meet in his life, one man left with a changed attitude about compliments.

As we come to the end of our exploration of praise, I want to make sure you’re aiming dead center for people’s hearts. Whether you’re giving little Carrier Pigeon Kudos or laying a Killer Compliment on your conversation partner, this next technique keeps you on target.

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How to Make a Loved

One Feel You Are THE

Partner for Life

Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds of times Mommy’s and Daddy’s friends asked, “And what do you want to be when you grow up?” That was our cue to regale our adoring audience with dreams of being a ballerina, a firefighter, a nurse, a cowboy, or a movie star. Well, most of our lives wound up being a little closer to butcher, baker, or candlestick maker. Nevertheless, we all still have fantasies of our own greatness. Even though most of us cashed in our childhood dreams of being the star we thought we’d be (so we could make some money), we all know that deep down we are very, very, very special. We say to ourselves, “Maybe the world will little note nor long remember how brilliant, how wonderful, how witty, how creative or caring I really am. However, those who truly know and love me—they will recognize my greatness, my magic, my specialness over all other ordinary mortals.” When we find people with the supernatural powers of perception to recognize our remarkableness, we become addicted to the heady drug of their appreciation. Praising someone you know and love requires a different set of skills from complimenting a stranger. The formula to bring someone even closer to you personally or professionally follows. I call it “The Tombstone Game.” It requires a little setup.
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Step one: In a quiet moment chatting with your friend, your loved one, or your business partner, tell him or her that the other day you were reading about—of all things—tombstones! “The piece was about,” you say, “what people fantasize will be inscribed above their grave after they die.” You learned that people want the quality they are most proud of in life etched in stone. Then say,

“The variety is surprising. Everyone has a different self-image, a different deep source of pride.” Examples:

Here lies John Doe. He was a brilliant scientist.

Here lies Diane Smith. She was a caring woman.

Here lies Billy Bucks. By golly, he could make people laugh. Here lies Jane Wilson. She spread joy wherever she went. Here lies Harry Jones. He lived life his way.

Step two: Reveal to your partner what you would like carved on your tombstone. Be serious about your revelation to encourage him or her to do likewise.

Step three: Now, you pop the question, “You know, Joe, when all is said and done, what are you most proud of ? What would you like the world to most remember about you? What would you want the world to see carved on your tombstone?”

Perhaps your business partner Joe says, “Well, I guess I’d sort of like people to know that I’m a man of my word.” Listen carefully. If he expounds on it, take note of every nuance. Then file it away in your heart and don’t say a word about it again. Joe will forget you ever played The Tombstone Game with him.

Step four: Let at least three weeks pass. Then, whenever you want to improve the relationship, feed the information back to your partner in the form of a compliment. Say “Joe, you know the reason I really appreciate being in business with you is because you’re a man of your word.”

WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out of the sky. “Finally,” he says to himself, “someone who appreciates me for who I really am.” Telling him you admire him for the same reason he admires 06 (199-228B) part six 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 226

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himself has an impact on Joe like no other compliment in the world.

Now, suppose your friend is Billy Bucks, the one who wanted his wit carved on his tombstone. You’d say, “Billy, ol’ buddy, you’re terrific. I loves ya ’cause you can really make people laugh.”

“I Love You Because . . . ” (You Fill

in the Blank)

Suppose your significant other is Jane Wilson in the preceding example. Tell your beloved, “Jane, I love you because you spread joy wherever you go.”

Suppose your life partner is Harry Jones. You take his hand and say, “Harry, I love you because you live life your way.” BLAM!

You have found that tender spot where the heart and the ego blend.