59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot (21 page)

What does the number of checkmarks say about your relationship? According to psychologist Andrew Lohmann, at Claremont Graduate University, and his colleagues, a great deal.
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Lohmann recruited more than a hundred couples and asked them to complete the “check the joint objects in the room” task and also to assess how close they felt to their partner. The results revealed that a large number of checkmarks was associated with a closer and healthier relationship, a tendency to view the relationship as a long-term partnership, and a greater willingness to expend time and effort it make it work. So next time you pop over to a friend’s house, you might want to ask about how they came to own some of the most prominent objects in the room—it may reveal more about their relationship than they realize.

The presence of objects that remind a person of their relationship may, for example, bring back happy memories, and
so make them feel good. Or such objects might remind them of a particularly emotional or amusing episode in their relationship. However, according to some recent research, they might be doing far more.

In an ingenious study exploring the power of love, Jon Maner at Florida State University, and his colleagues from various other universities, recruited more than a hundred students who were in committed relationships and asked them to look at photographs of members of the opposite sex and choose the one who they thought was the most physically attractive.
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One group was then asked to write an essay about a time when they felt a strong sense of love for their partner, while a control group was allowed to write about anything they chose.

While producing their essays, all of the students were told to forget about the photograph of the attractive person that they had selected earlier. In addition, they were told that if the image happened to pop into their minds, they were to place a checkmark in the margin of their essay. Asking people not to think about something usually encourages them to dwell on it, and this was certainly the case with the control group, who averaged four checkmarks per page. However, people thinking about being in love found it much easier to push the attractive image out of their mind, resulting in an average of only one tick every two pages.

Later in the experiment, everyone was asked to remember as much as possible about their chosen photograph. Those in the “love” group tended to remember the more general aspects of the image, such as the color of a person’s dress or the location of the shot, and tended to forget the features related to physical attractiveness, such as having bedroom eyes or a wonderful smile. In fact, the students in love remembered, on
average, only about two-thirds as many attractive features as the control group did.

These findings suggest that spending even a few minutes thinking about the love that you feel for a partner drastically reduces the appeal of attractive members of the opposite sex. According to the research team, this may be a mechanism that has evolved over thousands of years to help keep couples together. On a more practical level, it suggests that any object that reminds you of your partner may be having an important psychological effect. From photos to a wedding ring or a necklace bought on that fun trip abroad, it is all about helping you prefer your partner to the competition.

IN 59 SECONDS

Surrounding yourself with objects that remind you of your partner is good for your relationship. It could be something that you wear, such as a ring, pendant, or necklace. Or perhaps keep a gift from your partner on display in the home or office. Or maybe place a photograph of the two of you in a prominent location, or in a wallet or purse. Either way, remember that these objects are more than mere tokens of love; they also serve an important psychological function. Not only do they usually evoke happy memories and positive thoughts, but they also activate a deep-seated evolutionary mechanism that helps make temptation far less tempting.

stress

Why not to
kick
and
scream
,
how to
reduce
resentment in seconds,
harness the
power
of a four-legged friend,
and
think
your way to low blood pressure

THE FAMOUS PSYCHOANALYST
Sigmund Freud believed that the psyche is composed of three main components: id, ego, and superego. The “id” is the animalistic portion of your mind that is impulsive and driven by basic instincts, the “superego” represents the more moral side of things, and the “ego” attempts to arbitrate between these two opposing forces. Most of the time, the three parts agree with one another, and all is fine and dandy. However, once in a while, a major disagreement breaks out, and, as is so often the case in life, it usually comes down to sex and violence.

To fully appreciate Freud’s idea, imagine locking a horny teenage boy (think id), a priest (superego), and an accountant (ego) in a room with a pornographic magazine. The teenager, representing the animalistic side, would jump on the magazine, while the priest would attempt to rip it out of his immoral grasp and dispose of it. The accountant would then face an uphill struggle getting them to agree on the best way forward. Eventually, all three would calm down, discuss the issue, and perhaps decide that it would be best to pretend that the magazine didn’t exist. That way, the teenager wouldn’t be tempted to look at the naughty photographs, and the priest wouldn’t have to lecture constantly about the importance of morality. Happy with the clever compromise, the three hide the magazine under the carpet and try to forget about it. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done. Day after day the teenager would be tempted to take a peek, but every time he
lifted the carpet, the priest would wag his finger. Eventually the tension would build, making everyone feel more and more anxious.

According to Freud, we are frequently caught up in struggles between our inner teenager and priest, with one arguing for what we want to do and the other for what we ought to do. The teenager wants to have an extramarital affair, and the priest points out the importance of marriage vows. The teenager wants to strike out at someone who has upset him, and the priest votes in favor of forgiveness. The teenager wants to go ahead with a shady business deal, and the priest emphasizes the need to be a good law-abiding citizen. Most of the time we end up pretending that these problems don’t exist and try to bury them deep within the unconscious. However, the mental stress caused by having to keep our conceptual pornographic magazines hidden under the carpet builds and can eventually make us feel frustrated, anxious, and angry.

Many psychologists have argued that the best solution is to release these repressed feelings in a safe and socially acceptable way. Punch a pillow. Shout and scream. Stamp your feet. Anything to calm down your inner teenager before he kicks in the door. This cathartic approach to anger management has gained wide acceptance—but was Freud correct?

For several years, psychologists have examined the effects of putting people under stress and then encouraging them to shout and scream. A few years ago, Brad Bushman at Iowa State University carried out an experiment in which six hundred students were asked to produce an essay describing their views on abortion.
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These essays were then taken away and allegedly given to another student for evaluation. In reality, the experimenters evaluated all of the essays themselves and made sure that the students received bad marks, negative feedback, and a handwritten note saying, “This is one of the
worst essays I have read.” Perhaps not surprisingly, the students were annoyed with the way their essays had been evaluated and were furious with the fictitious evaluator.

Some of the students were then given an opportunity to get their aggressive feelings out of their system. They were given a pair of boxing gloves, shown a photograph of the person that had allegedly marked their essay, and told to think about that person while they hit a seventy-pound punching bag. Although the students were left alone with the bag while venting their aggression, an intercom system allowed the experimenters to count secretly the number of times they hit the bag. In contrast, another group of students was not introduced to the boxing gloves and punching bag but was asked instead to sit in a quiet room for two minutes.

Afterward, everyone completed a standard mood questionnaire that measured, among other things, how angry, annoyed, and frustrated they felt. Finally, games were played between pairs, with the victor winning the right to administer a loud blast of noise in the face of the loser. The winner decided how long and how loud each blast would be, and a computer carefully recorded the choices.

Did the people who punched the bag feel less aggressive than those who had sat quietly in the room? Did the “punchers” feel more inclined to generate louder blasts?

Those who had donned the boxing gloves and punched as hard as they could felt far more aggressive afterward and administered longer and louder blasts of noise in the faces of their fellow participants. The results revealed large differences in the final mood, and blasting behavior, between the two groups, and this pattern has been proven frequently. The venting of anger does not extinguish the flame. In fact, as Brad Bushman remarks in his paper, it is far more likely to pour gasoline onto the fire.

If punching and screaming do not help to quell feelings of stress and frustration, what does? And what can be done to create a more relaxed view of life? Are lengthy anger-management courses or hours of deep meditation the answer? In fact, there are some simple and fast solutions, which include being able to find benefits, doing nothing, and harnessing the positive power of a four-legged friend.

IN SEARCH OF BENEFITS

Everyone will experience negative events at some point in their lives. Perhaps you will contract an illness, have to face the breakup of a long-term relationship, discover that your partner has had an affair, or endure hurtful gossip spread about you by a close friend. Quite understandably, such events usually cause people to feel anxious, upset, and depressed. People often reflect on the past, wishing that things could be different. If another person is responsible for their suffering, thoughts might turn to revenge and retribution. Oftentimes, such experiences lead to feelings of anger, bitterness, and aggression. Given that putting on boxing gloves and hitting a punching bag is likely to make the situation worse rather than better, what is the best way of dealing with such emotions?

One possibility is simply to behave in a way that is incompatible with being angry. Watch a funny film, go to a party, play with a puppy, or tackle a difficult crossword puzzle. Alternatively, you could distract yourself by exercising, creating an art project, or spending an evening with friends or family. However, although such behavior may help reduce feelings of stress caused by relatively minor hassles, it is unlikely to provide a lasting solution to more serious sources of long-term frustration. The good news is that a more effective
solution does not require lengthy sessions with a therapist or hours talking about the issues with those around you. It actually takes minutes, not months, and has been shown to help people who have lost their possessions in a fire, suffered bereavement, experienced a heart attack, been the victims of disaster, or been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.
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It is called “benefit finding.”

The procedure can be illustrated by research conducted by Michael McCullough and his colleagues at the University of Miami.
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More than three hundred undergraduates were asked to choose an incident in their lives in which someone had hurt or offended them. From infidelity to insults, rejection to abandonment, the students all came up with something that had been eating away at them.

One-third of the participants were then asked to spend a few minutes describing the event in detail, focusing on how angry they felt and how the experience had had a negative effect on their lives. A second group was asked to do the same thing, except they were to focus on the benefits that flowed from the experience, including, for example, becoming a stronger or wiser person. The final group was simply asked to describe the plans that they had for the following day.

At the end of the study, everyone was asked to complete a questionnaire that measured their thoughts and feelings toward the person who had upset and hurt them. The results revealed that just a few minutes of focusing on the benefits that were derived from the seemingly hurtful experience helped participants deal with the anger and upset caused by the situation. They felt significantly more forgiving toward those who had hurt them and were less likely to seek revenge or avoid them.

Finding the benefits that resulted flowed from negative life events may seem like wishful thinking, but there is some evidence that such benefits may be genuine. For example,
research shows that certain positive character traits, such as gratitude, hope, kindness, leadership, and teamwork, increased in Americans following the 9 /11 terrorist attacks.
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In addition, other work has shown that having a serious physical illness can result in increased levels of bravery, curiosity, fairness, humor, and appreciation of beauty.
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When it comes to anger management, putting on the boxing gloves or punching a pillow is far more likely to increase, not decrease, feelings of aggression. Instead, it is possible to significantly reduce such feelings by focusing on the benefits that emerged from the seemingly negative events underlying your anger.

IN 59 SECONDS

When you experience an event that has the potential to make you feel angry, try the following exercise to ease the pain and help you move on.