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Authors: Daniele Bolelli
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What about Tamar? The poor girl is Judah's daughter-in-law, but her first husband dies before she can get pregnant. Judah dutifully sends her his second son in marriage, but he quickly dies as well. At this point, Judah has decided that this broad brings bad luck, so he refuses to marry her to his third son. But crafty little Tamar will not be denied an heir from the house of Judah. Covering herself with veils, she meets Judah on the road where she poses as a hooker. The old man doesn't recognize her, but decides that a hooker is just what he needs so he has sex with her in exchange for a goat (I’m not making it up …) and so Tamar finally manages to get pregnant courtesy of her father-in-law.
Damn … I’m running out of space and I haven't even touched on the innumerable examples of extreme violence in the Bible, and have barely
scratched the surface of biblical sex. I should really talk about Phinehas who skewers together on the tip of a spear a Jewish prince and his wife while they are having sex. Or perhaps I should discuss the patriarch Abraham who marries his own half sister, but this doesn't prevent him from having sex with a slave girl. Or … I guess there's no time for any of them here for we need to mention the best sex tale of the whole Bible: the Song of Solomon (a.k.a. the Song of Songs). Unlike all the previous S & M stories that present sex in an ugly, disturbing light, here we have a series of super-explicit erotic poems that celebrate the joys of sex, even outside of marriage. Better yet, some of the poems are from the point of view of a woman who enjoys her lover as much he enjoys her. Line after line, these unnamed lovers get lost in the magic of tongues, moans, muscles and breasts, and forget all about the stupid rules established by some old, dried up priests.
scratched the surface of biblical sex. I should really talk about Phinehas who skewers together on the tip of a spear a Jewish prince and his wife while they are having sex. Or perhaps I should discuss the patriarch Abraham who marries his own half sister, but this doesn't prevent him from having sex with a slave girl. Or … I guess there's no time for any of them here for we need to mention the best sex tale of the whole Bible: the Song of Solomon (a.k.a. the Song of Songs). Unlike all the previous S & M stories that present sex in an ugly, disturbing light, here we have a series of super-explicit erotic poems that celebrate the joys of sex, even outside of marriage. Better yet, some of the poems are from the point of view of a woman who enjoys her lover as much he enjoys her. Line after line, these unnamed lovers get lost in the magic of tongues, moans, muscles and breasts, and forget all about the stupid rules established by some old, dried up priests.
Do I need to go on? When it comes to very explicit sex, the Bible clearly kicks Hollywood's ass any day of the week.
33 ONE BRIDE FOR FIVE BROTHERSEven in the most liberal and permissive society, any woman regularly having sex with five men would be, at the very least, an object of endless gossip. In societies driven by religious fundamentalism, she would probably have a bull's eye on her
as the whole village gathers to stone her to death. Most religions, in fact, are quick to make plenty of exceptions to their super-strict sexual customs for men only. In the most classic of patriarchal double standards, the same license is never granted to women. This is why it's quite a bit surprising that Hinduism—not exactly a tradition that can be accused of feminism—praises as models of virtues two women whose sexual escapades are legendary.
as the whole village gathers to stone her to death. Most religions, in fact, are quick to make plenty of exceptions to their super-strict sexual customs for men only. In the most classic of patriarchal double standards, the same license is never granted to women. This is why it's quite a bit surprising that Hinduism—not exactly a tradition that can be accused of feminism—praises as models of virtues two women whose sexual escapades are legendary.
Let's begin with Draupadi. In the
Mahabharata
, the colossal Hindu epic poem, Arjuna wins her hand at an archery tournament organized by her father, the king of Panchala. Things get complicated when the groom returns to his palace and swollen with pride he goes to his mother, Kunti, telling her he brought back with him a great gift. In a twist that would make any porn director happy, before he can go on, Kunti replies, “Whatever it is, share it equally among your brothers.” Since Mama is sacred and can't be disobeyed, Arjuna complies. And Draupadi who was single just a few hours earlier, found herself married to five different guys known as the Pandavas. The
Mahabharata
doesn't get into the nitty-gritty details of their arrangements, but it does tell us that Draupadi spent one year at a time with each of her husbands, and had five children in five years from her five husbands.
Mahabharata
, the colossal Hindu epic poem, Arjuna wins her hand at an archery tournament organized by her father, the king of Panchala. Things get complicated when the groom returns to his palace and swollen with pride he goes to his mother, Kunti, telling her he brought back with him a great gift. In a twist that would make any porn director happy, before he can go on, Kunti replies, “Whatever it is, share it equally among your brothers.” Since Mama is sacred and can't be disobeyed, Arjuna complies. And Draupadi who was single just a few hours earlier, found herself married to five different guys known as the Pandavas. The
Mahabharata
doesn't get into the nitty-gritty details of their arrangements, but it does tell us that Draupadi spent one year at a time with each of her husbands, and had five children in five years from her five husbands.
It seems that in a previous life Draupadi had begged the god Shiva to grant her a husband with five very desirable qualities. Shiva had warned her that
it would be next to impossible finding a single man possessing all those qualities at the same time, but Draupadi stuck to her request. Unable to find her such a man, Shiva figured that the next best thing was to find her multiple husbands, one for each of the qualities she craved.
it would be next to impossible finding a single man possessing all those qualities at the same time, but Draupadi stuck to her request. Unable to find her such a man, Shiva figured that the next best thing was to find her multiple husbands, one for each of the qualities she craved.
And just to add another layer to the already abundant weirdness of this story, Draupadi has the considerable talent of returning a virgin each year before switching to a new husband. She almost makes the Virgin Mary look like an amateur by comparison … Some say this twist may be a later Christian idea superimposed on the original Hindu story, but in any case it's too good to pass …
Let's turn to Draupadi's mother-in-law, Kunti, who is one of the most venerated
feminine figures in the Hindu pantheon, despite having three sons from three different fathers—none of them being her husband. The story behind this … well, I’ll leave it up to you to find the right adjectives … Her husband, Pandu, was cursed. One day, while on a hunting expedition, he had come upon a male and female deer having sex, and had promptly shot them full of arrows. Big mistake. As it turns out, the male deer was the sage Kindama, who was gifted with the ability to shape-shift into animal form (and who was apparently fond of kinky sex games with the furry creatures of the forest …). Once shot, Kindama turned himself back into human form and cursed Pandu. Shooting animals while they are having sex is just rude—Kindama argued—so your punishment will be to die if you ever try to have sex with a woman.
feminine figures in the Hindu pantheon, despite having three sons from three different fathers—none of them being her husband. The story behind this … well, I’ll leave it up to you to find the right adjectives … Her husband, Pandu, was cursed. One day, while on a hunting expedition, he had come upon a male and female deer having sex, and had promptly shot them full of arrows. Big mistake. As it turns out, the male deer was the sage Kindama, who was gifted with the ability to shape-shift into animal form (and who was apparently fond of kinky sex games with the furry creatures of the forest …). Once shot, Kindama turned himself back into human form and cursed Pandu. Shooting animals while they are having sex is just rude—Kindama argued—so your punishment will be to die if you ever try to have sex with a woman.
Quite bummed out, Pandu became a celibate hermit with his wives, but was constantly worried about dying childless. Kunti, however, knew exactly how to save the day. One of her gifts was the ability to conjure the gods and have kids by them, so puff … three sexual marathons later with three different gods, Kunti popped out three sons.
Anyone who thinks religious stories are prudish, moralizing and boring should seriously check out some Hindu tales.
34 THE GODFATHER OF CHRISTIANITYThe Roman emperor Constantine is one of the great heroes of Christian history. As legend would have it, he singlehandedly put an end to religious persecution and became the first Christian emperor. His impact was nothing short of miraculous, and this is why his name is often adorned with superlatives: he is Constantine “the Great,” or as some branches of Christianity regard him “Saint” Constantine. More than any other figure, he is the true Godfather of Christianity, who helped it turn from a small troubled sect into the dominant religion of the empire.
But the word godfather applies to Constantine in more ways than one. Think Don Vito Corleone kind of Godfather (actually, I like Don Vito Corleone, so more like Michael Corleone). The historical reality is that Constantine was a brutal dictator who used Christianity for his own self-aggrandizing means and probably never even converted (some say he converted on his death bed, while others say he never did).
At the beginning of the 300s, the Roman Empire was a mess: there were too many people following too many religions speaking too many languages. Culturally, politically, religiously and in every other way, hardly anything brought unity to the empire. The confusion was so intense that it was not unusual for
multiple people to claim the title of emperor at the same time. Civil wars to settle the squabbles between these contenders were the norm.
multiple people to claim the title of emperor at the same time. Civil wars to settle the squabbles between these contenders were the norm.
Constantine had quickly understood that ruling over such a diverse population, with such divided loyalties, would always be an uphill battle unless he figured out a way to bring them together. Religion seemed to fit the bill: a shared religion would give his citizens a common sense of loyalty and identity.
The old Roman polytheism didn't seem to serve his purposes since few people still believed in it. Christians instead were very enthusiastic about their faith. Perhaps even more attractive, monotheism preached the need for all to worship a single source of authority—a concept that was music to Constantine's ears. By tying religion and imperial power together, Constantine would be able to claim that any rebellion against him was a rebellion against God's right hand man. Saint Paul's writings about political leaders receiving their authority from God gave Constantine plenty of ammunition for his totalitarian project.
Constantine probably didn't give a rat's ass about religion (or if he did, he had a curious way of showing it since—as we will see—his newly found interest for Christianity didn't dampen his passion for murder). He professed devotion to the Church, but he also regularly offered sacrifices to Apollo, Diana and Hercules, and remained head of the official pagan priesthood throughout his life. What he was looking for was a tool that would allow him to tighten his grip on power.
Accordingly, Constantine tested the waters by putting an end to the persecutions against Christians in 313 CE. The infighting among different Christian sects, however, bothered him. Religious disagreements could lead to conflicts and rebellion, and this would mean more people to kill, more heads to be bashed, and nothing but work, work, work. If Christianity were to serve his purpose, only one official version should be allowed. So, in 325, Constantine invited bishops from all over the empire at the Council of Nicaea, where they could get their act straight and vote once and for all regarding which one would the true Christian doctrine, and which should be eliminated as heresies. Once the bishops were done bickering, Constantine immediately moved to repress any alternate versions of Christianity.
Shortly after thus becoming the champion of the new religion, Constantine demonstrated how much religious piety had touched his soul by having his son executed, and his own wife boiled alive, for he feared they may have been plotting against him. Jesus's message to “love your enemies” must have not gotten to destination, since Constantine had some of his rivals beheaded, and others hanged after he had promised them clemency if they surrendered.
Constantine played an incredibly important role in legitimizing Christianity, but considering him a saint may be a tad overoptimistic. The man, in fact, was a gangster with a tiny heart and a Godzilla-sized ego.
35 THE SLAVE OWNER’S BEST FRIEND: THE BIBLEBack in the 1800s, when abolitionists and defenders of slavery were slugging it out, both sides turned to the Bible for ideological ammunition. Clearly, convincing the world's public opinion that God was on your side could do wonder for your PR campaign, and perhaps help turn the tide of battle.
Now, the obvious question is: how could both sides appeal to the same book to justify opposite conclusions? That's because with its usual clarity, the Bible seems to offer support for mutually contradictory answers. And so,
naturally, what people did was pick the passages supporting their position and ignore the others.
naturally, what people did was pick the passages supporting their position and ignore the others.
Abolitionists, for example, loved Deuteronomy 23:15–16, which stated, “If a slave has taken refuge with you, do not hand him over to his master. Let him live among you wherever he likes and in whatever town he chooses. Do not oppress him.” Sweet, isn't it? And to add more fuel to the abolitionists’ fire, Exodus 21:16 argued, “Anyone who kidnaps another and either sells him or still has him when he is caught must be put to death.”
Sounds like we have settled the debate since God is obviously against slavery, right? Not exactly. Leviticus 25:44–46, in fact, clarifies that this prohibition only applies to enslaving fellow Jews. “However, you may purchase male and female slaves from among the nations around you. You may also purchase the children of temporary residents who live among you, including those who have been born in your land. You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance. You may treat them as slaves, but you must never treat your fellow Israelites this way.”
BOOK: 50 Things You're Not Supposed To Know: Religion
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