4 Shot Off The Presses (16 page)

“What’s that noise?”

I had been in the middle of a glorious dream. You know the one. It’s the one where Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pine are battling for your affection with great big swords. Oh, and they’re shirtless. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see who won because this really annoying beeping sound had interrupted the dream – and woken me up.

“That’s your phone,” Eliot muttered sleepily from beside me.

“My phone? My phone. My phone.” Maybe if I kept repeating it that noise would just cease and desist.

“Answer it.” Eliot threw the phone onto my chest and rolled over onto his side, wrapping his pillow around his head grumpily as he did.

“What?”

“Is that how you answer a phone?”

I knew I should have checked the Caller ID before I answered. “Mom? Why are you calling at the ass crack of dawn?”

“It’s 7:30 in the morning. Why aren’t you up?”

“I had a late night.”

“If Eliot is holding you back from getting a full night of sleep, maybe I should have a talk with him,” my mom mused.

“I think that’s a great idea, mom,” I said. “I think Eliot would love to talk about our sex life with you.”

Eliot groaned from beneath the covers.

“Don’t get fresh,” my mom admonished me. “You know I don’t like that.”

“Sorry, mom,” I muttered. “Why are you calling at 7:30 in the morning?”

“We have a problem.”

“We have a problem? What we?”

“Our family. We’re
the we.”

“Oh, right. Go on. We have a problem.”

“Your grandfather has been arrested.”

I felt the air whoosh out of me, followed by the absurd need to laugh. The laughter won out. “What do you mean he’s been arrested?”

“The police came to the house about a half hour ago, put him in cuffs and took him away.”

“What did he do? He hasn’t been skinny dipping and laying out on the trampoline naked again has he? It’s too cold.”

“No, that’s not it.”

I could hear my mom frown over the phone. “Are you going to tell me why he was arrested or is it some big secret?”

“He refused to show up for jury duty.”

“I already knew that.”

“Yes, well, the situation was a little worse than we were led to believe.”

“How so?”

“Apparently he just didn’t not show up at the courthouse. He also ignored two notices from the court.”

“Shit,” I sighed. “You’re kidding me?”

“No.”

“What did the cops say when they arrested him?” I glanced over and noticed Eliot was now up and in a sitting position. He could only hear my end of the conversation, but it clearly amused him.

“They said that he was going to be put in front of a judge at nine sharp. You need to come home and handle this,” my mom said in her best pouty voice.

“How am I supposed to handle it?”

“You have connections.”

“That doesn’t mean I can bully a judge.”

“I thought you said you could bully anyone?” My mom reminded me.

“I was five and I was trying to get a new
Star Wars
toy out of the hands of that little snot who didn’t even know what a Millenium Falcon was. He just wouldn’t give it to me.”

“Are you coming or not?”

“I’m on my way.”

“
YOUR FAMILY
should be studied.”

I glanced over at Eliot and frowned. “You didn’t have to come. I don’t need to be babysat.” This constant surveillance was starting to grate. Okay, really, it was starting to bug the shit out of me.

“Like I’m going to miss this.” He said the words, but I knew he was really sticking close because he was convinced I was in some sort of danger. It should have been sweet, but it was really annoying instead.

“Turn here,” I directed Eliot grumpily.

“You act like you don’t think this is going to be fun,” Eliot teased.

“I think this is going to be unpleasant.”

“Why?” Eliot looked surprised.

“It’s not unpleasant for me,” I said hurriedly. “I’m more worried about Derrick.”

Realization washed over Eliot’s face. “You think it will reflect badly on him?”

“I don’t think Jake would take it out on him,” I explained. “I do think it couldn’t have come at a worse time, though.”

“Because of Christine Brady,” Eliot supplied knowingly. “You really think she would use this against Derrick?”

“I think she wants to get at me and she’ll be willing to use Derrick to do it,” I said. “And I think she’ll definitely be willing to use our family to get at Derrick.”

“She probably thinks that your grandfather can be used against you,” Eliot mused, half to himself. “She doesn’t realize that when your family acts out you actually get off on it.”

“I don’t get off on it,” I scoffed. Mostly.

“You do enjoy it.”

“Well, they’re funny.”

“They are that.”

Eliot pulled into a parking spot and killed the engine. He glanced over at me. “Are you ready for this?”

“No, but let’s go.”

After making our way through what little security the rural courthouse had, we found ourselves in the only courtroom, which was, not surprisingly, packed with members of my family. I looked for Derrick first and, when I found him, he looked furious.

“I figured they’d call you.”

He glared in my direction. “This is unbelievable.”

“Hopefully the judge will give him a choice of serving on a jury instead of jail,” I said.

“Do you really believe that?” Derrick asked thinly.

“The judges are different up here than down by us,” I said. “The judges aren’t such hard asses.”

“Let’s hope,” Derrick said grimly.

Eliot slid onto the bench next to Derrick, offering his companionable silence to help bolster my cousin. I appreciated the gesture.

“All rise.”

Everyone stood up and waited for Judge Peter Watros to take his seat. He glanced up when he was settled and seemed surprised by the full house. “Bring in the accused,” he said warily.

The side door to the courtroom opened and I saw that a police officer was ushering my grandfather, who was still in his pajamas (thank God he wasn’t naked) to the front of the courtroom. One look at my grandfather, his robust belly, his thinning hair and the murderous expression on his face and I knew things were about to get very ugly.

“Sir,” the judge turned to my grandfather. “Are you aware of why you’re here?”

“Because we’re apparently fascists now,” my grandfather shot back.

Derrick groaned.

“No, we’re here because you were sent not one, not two but three different jury summons and you ignored them all.”

“I didn’t ignore them,” my grandfather countered.

The judge looked down at the file in front of him again. “Oh, no, I see you sent the summons back to the court with a message written on each one. I believe it said ‘go fuck yourself.’”

I rubbed my face tiredly as I tried to hide the smile that was flirting with the corner of my mouth. It wasn’t funny, I reminded myself. The problem was, if I were in any other court, I wouldn’t have tried to hide my smile.

“Was that wrong?” My grandfather didn’t look like he cared either way.

“Sir, it is your duty to show up for jury duty when so ordered,” Judge Watros said patiently.

“I didn’t have time. I run a business.”

“That’s not my concern, sir,” Judge Watros said. “You have to show up for jury duty. It’s the law.”

“Jaywalking is a law, and that’s bullshit, too.”

This time, I couldn’t stifle the laugh that bubbled up – and neither could a couple of my cousins. My mom shot me a withering look.

“Sir, you do realize that if you don’t show up for jury duty, that I’m going to have to put you in jail.”

My mom and grandmother gasped while I cast a look in Derrick’s direction. His face was unreadable.

“Fine, then put me in jail. If you want to be a dick, be a dick. Nothing is going to stop you.”

I rolled my head back and cracked my neck. I knew this was going to be unpleasant. There was no way around that now.

“I’m not being a dick, sir,” Judge Watros said, and I could tell he was fighting the urge to laugh, too. That was actually a good sign. “I’m trying to appeal to your sense of community.”

“Oh, you’re one of those,” my grandfather said dramatically.

“One of those what?”

“A faggot-loving imbecile that preaches about community instead of getting a real job. You’re a Democrat, aren’t you?”

Derrick bit his lower lip. It was a surreal situation, but I swear he was fighting the urge to laugh, too.

The judge, however, didn’t look quite as amused as he had a few minutes before. “Sir, I’m not going to put up with another outburst.”

“Your honor, if I could have a moment?”

I turned in surprise at the new voice that had piped up from behind me, turning to see Jake – in his sheriff’s department best – standing in the doorway. He spared a glance in my direction and then moved forward.

“Sheriff Farrell?” Judge Watros looked surprised.

“Yes, sir,” Jake stepped forward. “I apologize for being late. I just got news of this . . . situation a little while ago.”

“And what do you have to do with this situation?” Judge Watros asked.

“I have been very close to this family for a number of years, including Charles here,” Jake said smoothly. “I think this situation is just a big mistake that has gotten out of hand.”

“You think that calling me a faggot-loving imbecile is a mistake?”

Jake swallowed hard and then turned to my grandfather incredulously. “Really?”

“Well, he is,” my grandfather shrugged.

“Sir, I don’t know if you’re aware that Mr. Baker here is a fine and upstanding citizen. He’s just having an . . . off day.”

“Sheriff Farrell, you have a great reputation in this state,” Judge Watros said. “You’re well known and respected. However, the defendant has had a litany of complaints against him. Do you know what they are?”

“I’m afraid to ask,” Jake grumbled.

“Well, let me enlighten you,” Judge Watros picked up the file in front of him. “Mr. Baker has been seen on no less than ten occasions walking in his yard naked.”

“It’s my yard,” my grandfather piped in.

“He has killed a fly and purposely told a customer to open up and say ‘ah.’”

“She was a bitch,” my grandfather said. “And she knew it was a joke.”

“He has threatened customers in his eating establishment when they order poached eggs,” Judge Watros continued. “Including screaming that if they wanted poached eggs, they should tell him to his face they want poached eggs and, when they do, he has lobbed loaves of bread at them.”

“Well, poached eggs are just stupid.”

“He drove a car into the river and just left it there,” Judge Watros went back to reading from his list after a brief quelling look at my grandfather.

“Lexie actually drove the car into the river,” Mario piped up from his seat. “My grandfather just took credit for it.”

Judge Watros ignored Mario’s outburst. “He terrorized the mailman by putting rotten eggs in his mailbox because he wouldn’t stop putting junk mail in it. Then there was the time he put the handle of a pay phone through the wall at the super market because he couldn’t make a collect call. And, my personal favorite, he planted a series of six lilac bushes – all stolen from a public lot – and placed them in his neighbor’s yard so he wouldn’t have to, and I quote, look at her ugly face again. Now, I ask you, Sheriff Farrell, is this an upstanding citizen?”

Judge Watros turned to Jake expectantly.

Jake looked down at his shoes uncertainly. “No, sir, it doesn’t. Mr. Baker is a colorful character, and there’s no crime in that.”

Jake was grasping at straws now. I had to admire him.

“I think a few days in jail might be just what the doctor ordered,” Judge Watros said. “And it’s definitely what this judge is ordering. So, Mr. Baker, you are hereby remanded to the city jail until you agree to show up for jury duty.”

My grandfather didn’t look impressed. “Go ahead, drag me away. I’ll always know, though, that I was right. Because this is America and I am an American and I will fight to the death my right to call that judge a faggot-loving imbecile!”

And that was all she wrote.

“Well, that was a nightmare,” I grumbled when Eliot, Jake and I made our way out to the parking lot. I had been careful to avoid my mother as I slipped out of the building. Thankfully, she had been too busy to even look for me after my grandfather had been carted off.

“I can’t believe he did all of those things,” Jake rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. “How does one person even think of doing all those things?”

“What are you even doing here?” I turned on Jake curiously. The question came out more hostile than I had initially envisioned.

“Don’t you mean thank you?” Derrick grumbled as he joined the three of us, casting a dark look in my direction. Derrick extended his hand to Jake. “I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Jake said uncomfortably, shuffling his feet.

“No, it is a big deal,” Derrick replied. “How did you even find out?”

That was a good question. “Didn’t you tell him?” I turned to Derrick curiously.

“No,” Derrick shook his head.

“There was a memo on my desk,” Jake said. “I assumed it was from Derrick.”

“I would never have asked you to come out here,” Derrick said hurriedly. He was obviously embarrassed by the whole situation.

“I know,” Jake said, averting Derrick’s gaze. “I know that you wouldn’t try to manipulate me that way.”

“Good grief,” I muttered. “Why don’t you guys just hug and get it over with?”

Eliot smirked but Jake merely shook his head in disgust. “You’re enjoying this far too much. I saw you laughing in the back.”

“I couldn’t help it,” I protested. “I had forgotten about some of that stuff.”

“He’s in jail,” Derrick countered. “I hardly think it’s funny.”

“He’s not going to stay in jail,” I argued. “He’ll give in. Eventually.”

“Have you even met him?” Derrick asked scathingly.

He had a point.

“Well, grandma will guilt him into it eventually. He won’t be able to say no to her forever. Especially when our mothers start in on him, too.”

Derrick considered it for a second and then blew out a sigh. “You’re probably right.”

“I’m just glad he was wearing pajamas last night so he wasn’t arrested naked.” I was going for levity.

“Oh, he was naked,” Derrick said. “The cops let him get dressed.”

“Let him?” Somehow that scenario wasn’t ringing true in my head.

“I think they insisted,” Derrick conceded.

Jake and Eliot snickered at the visual.

Something else was nagging at me, though. I turned back to Jake. “Who would have left a memo on your desk?”

Jake shrugged and glanced at Derrick. “Who did you tell?”

“No one,” Derrick said. “Trust me, I wasn’t broadcasting this.”

Jake turned to me. “Who did you tell?”

“No one,” I said. “I got the call and came right here.”

“You obviously told Eliot,” Jake said, inclining his head in Eliot’s direction.

“He was there when my mom called,” I said. “He’s convinced I’m going to be shot every time I get in a car so he insisted on coming.”

It wasn’t until Jake frowned that I realized he was irked by the admission that Eliot and I had been together this morning. His reaction wasn’t lost on Eliot either. Before Eliot could say anything snide – and help this situation devolve any further – I jumped into the thick of things with both feet.

“I bet it was Christine.”

Jake and Eliot, who had been eyeing each other distrustfully just seconds before, both turned to me and fixed me with twin piteous looks.

“What are you babbling about?” Derrick asked.

“I bet it was Christine that put the memo on his desk,” I said hurriedly.

“Why?” Jake didn’t look convinced.

“Because she’s out to get me.”

Derrick rolled his eyes. “She’s out to get you so she puts a memo on Jake’s desk to help me? That makes perfect sense.”

“No need to be sarcastic.”

“Yeah, that’s your weapon of choice,” Derrick shot back.

“She might not be wrong about Christine,” Eliot said carefully. “There’s definitely something up with that chick.”

I shot him a grateful look for the backup.

“Just because she doesn’t like Avery that naturally means she’s up to something?” Derrick looked dubious. “If that were true, half the population of Michigan would be up to something nefarious.”

“Good word,” I piped in. “That word-of-the-day toilet paper is really working out for you.”

“Who told you about that?” Derrick turned on me. “Did Devon tell you about that?”

I took an involuntary step back, running into Eliot as I did. “It was a joke.”

“Oh,” Derrick’s face flushed. “I was just joking, too.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “You two are like kids when you get together, squabbling over your favorite toy.”

“Are not,” I stuck my tongue out at Derrick.

Jake glanced at me, trying to collect himself. “Why do you think it was Christine?”

I exchanged a quick look with Eliot, deciding on the spot not to tell Jake about seeing her buying ammunition the day before. If I was wrong on that front, I would never hear the end of it and it could just be a coincidence. “You saw her at breakfast the other day,” I said hurriedly. “She’s clearly got it out for me.”

“I don’t see how that translates to Derrick, though,” Jake prodded. “You have different last names.”

“She knows he’s my cousin.”

“How?”

I shrugged. “She told me the day at that press conference.”

Jake looked surprised. “She did?”

“Yeah, she basically inferred I was getting preferential treatment from you and Derrick.”

“She’s never even mentioned Derrick to me,” Jake mused, a far off look in his eyes. “She never even brought up his name.”

“I think the fact that we’re related is common knowledge,” Derrick said. “No matter how much I’ve tried to distance myself from her.”

“Thanks,” I muttered.

“You’re welcome.”

“Ludington knows, though,” Jake sighed. “And this is all stemming from him.”

“Because of me,” I said triumphantly.

“I wouldn’t be proud of that,” Eliot whispered in my ear. “That just means you’re to blame for all this because you drove the guy around the bend.”

“I didn’t drive him around the bend,” I scoffed. “He was already there when I met him. I just didn’t know it.”

“You didn’t help matters,” Derrick countered. “He’s still trying to dig out from that little press conference snafu you designed where you basically got every media person in the area to call him a racist for weeks.”

Yeah, that was kind of fun.

“And there was the time he tried to launch his own house for wayward teens and you posted the video you had of him – from years ago – where he said that at-risk teens were all prostitutes and drug addicts,” Derrick reminded me. “Where did you even get that footage from?”

“He really said it,” I protested. He just didn’t know I had been filming him when he’d been talking to one of his aides.

“Yeah, but you kept it,” Jake replied. “That was just weird.”

“I keep all the video I take of him,” I said honestly.

“Why?” Eliot asked curiously.

“Because he’s like a walking gaffe machine,” I shrugged. “He’s always going to say something that will come back to haunt him at some point.” And I was always going to be happy to use it.

“Yeah, but you fixate on him,” Jake said.

“He has it coming,” I whined.

“Well, now he’s going after you and we all have to pay for it,” Jake sighed, shaking his head. “Anyway, I need to be going.” He shook Derrick’s hand, nodded at Eliot and then moved towards his vehicle.

“Just a second,” I muttered to Eliot and then followed Jake over to his black truck.

He heard me coming and turned around. “I’m not in the mood to fight.”

“Well, I am.”

“Well, let’s table it until I’ve had some breakfast – or at least some coffee.”

“I don’t appreciate you blaming this on me,” I said.

“I’m not blaming it on you. We all helped create this situation,” Jake said tiredly. “You’re just the tip of it.”

“Excuse me?”

“I did give you favoritism. I did step in when you were scrapping with Ludington – several times. I did let you get away with whatever you wanted pretty much whenever you wanted.”

That’s not exactly how I remembered it. “That’s bullshit.”

“Really?” Jake turned on me. “I found you at a crime scene where you disturbed evidence and I just let you go.”

“That’s beside the point,” I said guiltily.

“I know that you blackmail Derrick for information whenever you can and I don’t do a thing about it. I find it funny sometimes, mostly because he’s so straight-laced at work and you lighten him up,” Jake seemed like he was half talking to me and half talking to himself.

“I wish you wouldn’t do this,” I started earnestly. “I did this. I’ll find a way to fix it. I’ll fix it.”

“Yeah?” Jake raised his eyebrows. “How, exactly, are you going to do that?”

“I’ve already started pulling Tad’s financials.”

Jake looked nonplussed. “So, you’re going to fix this by going after the guy that’s going after us because he already can’t stand you? And you think that’s going to make things better?”

“Pretty much.”

“And you think that will work? You think you’ll magically find something that will make all of this better?”

“I’m a vindictive bitch,” I said simply. “I’ll do what I have to do.”

“Or, maybe, you could just grow up and apologize” Jake suggested.

“That’s not going to happen,” I said immediately.

“And that, right there,” Jake pointed at me angrily. “That’s why you create enemies wherever you go.”

“And that’s why I always win,” I countered.

“Are you winning now? Because it doesn’t look that way to me. It doesn’t feel that way to me. Who here is winning? Because it’s not us.”

“Well, you just need to calm down,” I said angrily. “Just take a step back and relax. I’ll fix this.”

“You keep saying that and yet you have no idea how you’re going to do that.”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah, you do that,” Jake said bitterly, opening the door of his truck and climbing in. I’d obviously been dismissed. I moved out of the way as he started to pull out of his parking spot.

“I’ll fix this!”