3 Heads & a Tail (25 page)

“
What was that?
”
she whispered, alarmed.
“
Did you hear it
?
”

Josie nodded. They both l
ooked up at the hatch, but t
hey could
only
hear guitar sou
nds. T
hen
there came
another low screech
, slightly longer than the first
.

“
Ok
ay
, that
'
s definitely a
scream,
”
whispered Kay,
“
something
'
s wrong – I
'
m going to check!
”

Before Josie could stop
her, Kay had leapt up the
steps and pushed open the hatch. Josie jumped up behind
her. They weren
'
t expecting the sight that met their eyes
.

The landl
ady was on the floor, moaning
,
and
David was on
top of her, giving it his all – both of them starkers! She was
blindfold
ed
and her hands w
ere handcuffed in front of her, but she
was still wearing her high heels.
David looked up in shock, his mouth wide open. He pulled out quickly and the landlady gave a small
whinny
.
For some reason
he had a gun holster
holding
two
plastic
guns around his waist and a black Stetson perched on his head. The girls stared, dumbstruck.

“
David,
dear,
why have you stopped?
”
she asked, breathing heavily
. She remained in the doggy position, innocently unaware.

David
leapt
up, his manhood
jiggling at a 90 degree angle. B
ut it was fast sinking to 80, now 70,
heading towards 60 degrees,
observed
Josie
.
Kay had been right – the man had
a whopper. Make that a double whopper.
He stood
still for a minute,
too shocked to know what to do, while the two girls gazed at his huge courgette.

“
Ride me cowboy! R
ide me some more!
”
demanded the landlady, blissfully
oblivious
to her
audience.

Josie and Kay
, about to explode with laughter,
covered their mou
ths with their hands.

Suddenly, David swung
(
literally) into action, grabbed
a pil
l
ow to cover his bits and rushed
towards the door. Josie slid backw
a
rds down the top steps, grabbed
the rail and
swung
down. Kay skate
d down after her on her bum
. The guitar lesson played on in the background.

“
It
'
s ok
ay
,
honey, the hatch blew open. I
'
m just
closing it,
”
said David, slamming it
shut. He glanced down at H
is Royal Droopiness. Damn.

The girls ran into Josie
'
s room and collapsed
on the bed
.

“
Oh
,
my god!
”

“
Oh
,
my god!
”

“
I
'
m so glad I didn
'
t sleep with him,
”
Josie
laughed
.
“
I don
'
t care how big he is!
”

“
She
'
s old enough to be his grandmother! Or at least his mum
!
”
roared Kay.

“
Sshh! I know!
”

“
But
,
it
'
s kind of
cool to have
a lover who looks like that
when you
'
re
sixty
!
”
grinned Kay.
“
I hope I do!
”

“
D
o you think th
at
'
s good for her health though – all
handcu
ffed and bli
ndfolded
like that?
”

“
I dunno!
I hope that carpet is fluffy!
”

Josie stopped laughing.
“
Remember when you were
eighteen
and you thought someone of
thirty
was
old? I used to think they were ancient
. I didn
'
t want to
ever
be
thirty
. But when I hit it, it was ok
ay
. Now
forty
seems old
'
cos that
'
s the next big one
, but
,
you know, when we get there, it
'
s not going t
o seem that old!
”

Kay nodded.
“
I know what you
'
re saying. I used to think I was well
grown up at
sixteen
, but I just keep learning stuff – the older I get, the less I know... like
the fact that
you should wear a Stetson during sex!
”

“
Kay!
”
giggled Josie, pinching her.
“
Seriously though, it
'
s like
sixty
is the new
fifty
. What
age
is middle-age
d
now anyway? It can
'
t be
forty – we
'
re nearly there!
”

“
Hey, talk about yourself! I
'
ve got years to go!
”
protested Kay.
“
Thinking about it, f
orty
is middle-age
d
if you
live to
eighty
!
But you can always get a nip and tuck nowadays... don
'
t pull a face... you might want to some day!
”

“
Never!
I wanna grow old naturally and still recognise myself. I don
'
t
want a
face that looks like it got stuck in a wind tunnel
and eyebrows that don
'
t move
!
That
'
s not for me.
Who says what age is old
or how you should look anyway
? The landlady
still
looks
attractive and dresses nice.
Did you see her body? I was surprised...
”

“
Yeah,
I noticed
– when I wasn
'
t noticing David
'
s bits and bobs! S
he keeps in
very
good shape.
”

“
I
need to start going to the gym,
”
sighed Josie.
“
How are we
going to
be at sixty?
”

“
Shagging a thirty year old!
”
laughed Kay.
“
I just hope she doesn
'
t get carpet burns!
That didn
'
t look comfortable!
”

Josie giggled
.
The memory kept replaying and becoming funnier every time.
“
Why
did you have to be so nosey and open the hatch?
”

“
I thought someone was being
strangled
in there,
”
said Kay, defensively.

“
Shagged to death!
”

“
Josie, s
top, I
'
m laughing so much my sides hurt.
”

“
H
e must be getting a big discount on the rent. She
'
s getting that every
Sunday you know!
He
'
s basically a gigolo!
”

“
Beats
going to Bingo!
”
said Kay.
“
Maybe
he gets totally free rent.
I be
t he does, the dirty scoundrel
!
”

Josie lay back as her giggles subsided. She turned o
n some music. Led Zeppelin was
'
R
amblin
g
on
'
.

“
You should be playing
'
Whole Lotta Love
'
!
”
said
Kay.

Josie collapsed laughing again.
“
You
'
re a
wicked woman!
”

“
Do you think Ben kn
ows?
”
asked Kay, after
they
'
d finished another bout of giggles.

“
Don
'
t think so,
”
said Josie.
“
He told me she was getting guitar lessons...
”

“
...r
ather than
riding skills!
”

“
Kay!
Ok
ay,
I can
'
t talk anymore. Eve
rything hurts
!
Funny thing is, I asked him to play his guitar lower – otherwise we probably wouldn
'
t have
heard her scream
!
”

Half an hour later,
the girls
heard the hatch slam, followed by the
front
door
banging
.

“
I think the coast is
clear,
”
said Kay.
“
I
'
m dying for a cuppa!
”

“
Me
,
too,
”
said Josie,
“
let
'
s go.
”

They padded downstairs
to the
kitchen and put the kettle on
. As if on cue, the front door opened and Ben arrived home, with Glen, Mimi and
Ayla
.

Josie poked her head round the door of the kitchen.
“
Hi
,
guys! Want some tea?
”

“
Love some,
”
said
Ayla
, smiling. Ben nodded. Glen bounded over,
his
tail wagging
, f
ollowed by a more restrained Mimi
.

“
Well,
hello again
,
Mimi,
”
said Josie, bending down and stroking the beautiful dog
'
s
head. She looked up with her shy, big brown ey
es. Glen had good taste
.
S
he gave Glen some strokes too, just in case he was feeling left out.