21 Marine Salute: 21 Always a Marine Tales (131 page)

Pausing next to her, he glanced in the direction she indicated. Rowan smacked his calf and he glanced at her again. “What?”

“You have to lie down to really see.” Apparently, he’d missed the important part of the exercise. Dropping on the ground next to her, he stared up at the blue sky, the rich azure made deeper by a decoration of puffy white clouds.

Rowan exhaled a long, deep sigh. “In summer, you lay like this and you can get bugs on you, but, now, it’s too chilly for most of the insects, yet warm enough we’re not freezing.”

“Or you could bring a blanket out and lie on that.” But he couldn’t fault the view—though he found Rowan a great deal more appealing than the sky. Stealing a sideways peek at her, he found her gray-green eyes studying him.

“When was the last time you simply stopped and stared up at the sky? I saw your face last night, when we made it to the lake.”

He’d come to expect her directness, and appreciated it.

“Not a lot of time for stargazing in the sandbox. I don’t spend a lot of time looking back on anything, too busy keeping my eye out for the dangers in front and around.” The admissions jogged loose another stone from the pressure on his heart.

“You’re not there anymore,” she said softly. “You’re here. You have time—now.”

A simple truth, but he shook his head anyway. “It’s not that easy.”

“No, I didn’t say it was easy.” Folding her hands together on her stomach, she returned her attention upward again. “I can work eighteen hours a day and never go outside and see the sun. I can be so caught up in debugging a glitch or trying to get a software program to work, I forget to let go of the problems. After a while, I have a permanent crick in my neck and constant tension in my shoulders. My wrists will hurt—and my ass is so numb I forget life isn’t supposed to be about a to-do list, or a job, or the current problem of the moment—life is about the blue sky, the grass underfoot, and a friend at your side. It’s about other people and no people. It’s about living—not existing.”

“So why don’t you quit?” He rolled onto his side, no longer bothering to pretend he had more interest in the view overhead than the woman sprawled next to him.

Her eyebrows climbed. “Why don’t you?”

“Marines don’t quit.”

“They also don’t leave men behind,” she murmured.

“No, ma’am. They don’t.” The rocks on his chest compressed.

She didn’t turn away from him, holding his gaze long enough he could see the sadness and concern creep into her eyes. “So why did you leave yourself over there?”

Shock rippled up his spine, and his mind locked. “What?”

“You’re still there, Kaiden.” She rolled onto her side, mirroring his posture, and cupped his cheek with a cool palm. “Something bad happened to you—or maybe a lot of something bads. I don’t know. You can tell me to butt out. I won’t be offended.”

“Are you psychic?” He rejected the question even as he asked it, since it didn’t take a psychic to read his body language. The wariness he’d seen in the eyes of his friends and family—the seemingly unsurpassable gulf surrounding him lent more credence to her words than anything else.

“I’ve been accused of being psychotic before.” Light teasing sprinkled the statement, and she grinned.

Another rusty laugh broke loose. She began to withdraw, but he captured her wrist and kept her palm to his cheek. It was soft, softer than anything he’d felt in a long time. “I’m pretty messed up.”

“Okay.” Acceptance, no questions.

“You’re not asking me why.” He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the concept.

“I think questions might harm you, and I don’t need you to tell me anything. But I will listen if you want to.” The salve of her kindness soothed the abrasions in his soul. “I’m going to hug you, okay?”

“Why?” Not that he minded.

She smiled and scooted closer, wrapping her arms around him. “So you’ll lie down and gaze at the sky and know you’re here, and not there. You’re not alone.”

The lean softness of her fit him perfectly and he settled onto his back, curving an arm around her to tuck her in closer. She nestled her head on his shoulder.

“Breathe,” she whispered, and he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “And just be.”

The scent of cherry blossoms teased him, and he had to wonder if it was her shampoo or a perfume. Grass cushioned him, the woods surrounded him, the sun warmed his face, and the muscles in his back relaxed. Rowan massaged her palm against his chest in slow, easy circles. Bit by bit, his arms shuddered with the release of tension.

“Are you really single?” he asked, one-hundred-percent sure what he wanted for her answer.

“Yes, I’m really single.” She chuckled and the vibration teased him. “I’m not dating anyone, either. But you need to concentrate on relaxing, not on me.”

The answer satisfied him—for now. “Don’t go away,” he told her.

“I won’t.” And she didn’t. He had no idea how long he lay there, but eventually his eyes closed. Breathing exercises, not so long-forgotten that he couldn’t manage them, helped to steady his heartbeat. Sleep stole over him, and he let it, aware of her head resting on his shoulder and the warmth of her cuddled to his side.

***

Wakefulness snapped his eyes open and Kaiden tensed. He’d slept, but not more than a few minutes. Rowan maintained her promised warmth and she pillowed against him. The sun’s height hadn’t changed much, so he hadn’t been asleep for long.

“Your heart is racing again.” She continued rubbing her palm over his chest in slow, lazy circles.

“Forgot where I was for a moment.” He pressed a hand to hers, stopping her motion. “I need to get up.”

“Okay.” But the moment she rolled free of him, he missed her nearness.

Sitting, he raked his fingers over his close-cropped hair and exhaled. The violent need to drag her closer again shook his muscles. Too possessive—too soon. He needed to put some distance between the two of them before he spoiled her sensuously beautiful soul.

“Rowan, you’re a nice woman, but this isn’t going to work.” Standing, he offered to help her rise, but she ignored his offer.

“Exactly what do you think isn’t going to work?” Her cool gaze met his without flinching.

“The soft touch approach, the hugging and the kissing. I’m not really good for anyone, least of all a sweetheart like you. So—” He didn’t really have anywhere else to go with the statement. Retreating a step, he waited for her to head toward the house.

“All right. See you later.” She settled back and gazed at the sky again. The sun glinted off the streaks of red in her spill of hair. The splash of color on the yellowed grass gave it the kiss of autumn rather than winter.

He frowned, because leaving her alone in the middle of the woods didn’t even earn a blip on his radar. “I’ll walk you back.”

“We’re on private land, Kaiden.” She’d closed her eyes. “And I am quite capable of walking myself back.”

His frown became a scowl. “You want me to leave you here?”

Rising on her elbows, Rowan squinted at him. “Um, grumpy, you were the one having the pissy fit. So you can go or stay.”

Pissy fit?
Mouth snapping shut, he paced away three steps and stopped. “I am not having some kind of tantrum.”

“Could have fooled me.” Amusement drifted in her voice.

“I merely said I’m not good for anyone.”

“I heard you.” But she remained exactly where he’d left her, watching him from beneath lowered lashes. The sun climbed higher and lit her gorgeously. “I’m not stopping you from going.”

No. She wasn’t. So why the hell did he continue to stand there? A headache began to pulse behind his eyes. “What do you want from me, Rowan?”

“Nothing.” The simplest of answers and not the one he’d expected to hear. “Did you want me to want something?”

“What?” He massaged his temple and paced back toward her until his shadow blanketed her and she stopped squinting.

“I asked if you wanted me to want something from you.” She didn’t make any attempt to rise, but he could feel the weight of her gaze as though it were truly taking his measure. He would definitely fall short on even the most reasonable of scales.

“You shouldn’t want anything from me.” No one should. He wouldn’t be good for any of them. “I’m not good people.”

“You realize that begs the question of why, don’t you?” She moistened her lips and edged up into a sitting posture. Pulling her knees to her chest, she wrapped her arms around them, and never took her attention off him.

“I don’t know if I can explain it.” He didn’t regret the choices in his life—or at least he had never regretted them. What he felt currently seemed too hard to vocalize. “I enlisted because I believe in service. I liked the tenets of the Marines and the structure. I also liked my recruiter. He’s a good man—was a good man.”

Her sharp gaze narrowed a fraction. She’d noticed his slip.

“I still
like
the structure, my brothers, my unit. I can’t imagine doing anything else—I serve with
good
people. The best people.” His increased respiration made the last three words fire out like bullets and restlessness invaded him. Adrenaline pumped through his system and he could probably run the whole circumference of the lake if he put his mind to it.

“Who are you trying to convince, Kaiden?”

“You don’t understand.” He really couldn’t explain it, and hated that he couldn’t. “Dammit.”

“Who are you angry with?” Her expression filled with a quiet, almost serene curiosity and unflagging kindness. He deserved neither.

“I shouldn’t have come.” He’d known it from the moment he boarded the flight for the states. When he’d landed at DFW, he could have called friends—he had plenty in the area. Any one of those guys would have come to the airport and picked him up, no questions asked.

“But you did come here—you came for Yule, and that means something to you.” Her argument echoed the one playing out in his soul.

“Rowan, I’ll ruin it for everyone. Mom was near tears twice this morning, just staring at me. I know what she wants from me—what my Dad wants—what everyone wants.”

“Really? You don’t seem to know what I want. In fact, the only person you can be certain about is yourself. And you’re afraid of not living up to some mythical expectation that you’ve created.” She let go of her knees and climbed to her feet. Combing her fingers through her hair, she tucked the errant curls behind her ears. “I think you’re looking for a fight. I’m sorry, Kaiden, I’m not going to argue with you. If you want to go back to the house—go. If you want to leave before Circle, then that’s okay, too. No one should be here who doesn’t want to be, you know this.”

“I’m so fucked up, I don’t know why anyone would want me there in the first place….”

“Kaiden, perfect love and perfect trust—we accept you for who you are. We love you for who you are and we trust you to be you.”

The unabashed sweetness and open acceptance twining together in her voice ripped him open. “Yeah, how the hell do I do that and follow
an it harm none
when I’ve killed?”

After he’d dropped his bombshell, Kaiden shut down completely. He’d stood there, like a sentinel, in the middle of the clearing and waited until she walked to the house to shadow her steps. New arrivals were pulling up the long drive and parking off to the side. Instead of greeting them, he’d cut around and used the back door. Rowan let him go.

Getting everyone settled occupied the rest of her morning and, when Kaiden made no appearance at lunch, she’d put together a tray of food and set it outside his door. She knocked twice, told him the food was there, and left before he opened the door—if he did.

Lorraine cornered her in the kitchen when she’d taken her turn setting up a dessert. “Rowan.”

Cracker crack
had become very popular with the whole coven from the first time Rowan had brought a tin—now she made tray after tray every year. Everyone would fast beginning the next morning, eating nothing until they broke bread at sundown and lit the fires to maintain their vigil through the long winter night. The real party was set for Saturday, but that would be looser than the ritual on Friday.

“He’s in his room.” She answered the woman’s unspoken question and continued to set saltines onto the cookie sheet. Once all the sheets were laid out, she’d start on the brown sugar and butter mixture to pour over them.

Lorraine grabbed a package of crackers and helped. “Is he all right? I mean, really all right?”

“I don’t know.” Truthfully, she didn’t. “I’ve just met him—I didn’t know him before, so I don’t have a basis for comparison.”

“He seems sweet on you.” And so the fishing had begun in earnest.

“He’s very nice.” She didn’t want to feed the woman’s urge to match-make. “I think he needs time to decompress. We’re an awfully noisy and pushy bunch….” And as if to prove her point, the kids erupted into the house riding a wave of shouts and laughter. Rowan pointed them toward the door as they rushed the kitchen. “Out.”

“Cracker crack!” Jensen’s eyes lit up.

“And if you’re still here when I get to three, you don’t get any….” She didn’t even make it to one before the kids charged back out. Glancing over her shoulder, she met Lorraine’s laughter with a smile. “Works every time.”

“You’re good with them.”

Rowan shrugged. “They’re good kids.”

“You should have some of your own.”

Yes, Rowan had opened the door to that observation and she needed to close it. “When I’m ready, I’m sure I will.” After adding the last cracker to the tenth tray, she checked the preheat setting on the oven before heading to the fridge to get the sticks of butter. She’d need a lot for all the dessert she planned to make, but she’d brought a huge selection of chocolate from dark, to mint, to white, and even a salted caramel chocolate to see how that tasted once she’d prepped it.

“Rowan….”

Resisting the urge to sigh, she pivoted to face Kaiden’s mother head on. “No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.” The woman’s rebuke carried a hint of a pout.