2008 - The Consequences of Love. (34 page)

When the pain becomes too much, I go out. I walk on Al-Nuzla Street, the same street where I once felt like a queen when you looked down at my feet, as if my shoes were the most beautiful thing in the world. But now all that too is gone with you. My shoes are ordinary now, they mean nothing to anyone around here
.

I find myself walking on and on, my Pink Shoes passing blind onlookers, and a bus ride brings me to the Red Sea
.

I am now sitting on the ‘oud player’s bench, writing this letter to you. It has been a month since you were arrested
.

I have come here to tell you that I have finally taken the decision I have postponed making. I have lost hope that a miracle will bring me closer to you; that someone will bring us back together. Hilal told me you were going to Sudan and I did my best to try and borrow money from my friends to pay for a forged passport and a ticket, but they all said they couldn’t help because their fathers and husbands kept their money. I even tried to look for work but my father shut the door on my face saying that no woman in his house works. I even started doubting whether we would ever meet again
.

But yesterday afternoon, habibi, I made up my mind. I was sitting here, with my back tojeddah, looking out to the sea over which you had looked out so many times. I felt the spirit of the ‘oud player, whom you told me so much about, sitting next to me, silently staring at the sea. I closed my eyes, fearing the fate that lay ahead of me when I reopened them
.

With my eyelids cast down, like the shutter of the window in my room, I saw the life that was waiting for me in Al-Nuzla. I knew that if I went back, I would be buried under men’s rules
.

I felt cornered between the raging sea and the men of Al-Nuzla. Which one would it be? Death awaited me in both directions
.

I kept my eyes screwed shut, taking myself deeper into the hollowness of my life
.

When I opened them, I looked to the sea, and the high tide
.

I wanted to rip off my veil and run, run so fast into the water, the mesmerising waves, where I would be like an excited child, naively waving about, shouting, yelling and laughing at the brief freedom, at the shortlived beauty of life, before all of it came to an end once I reached the depths
.

But I didn’t move. My feet felt heavy, as if my Pink Shoes had grown roots deep in the sand
.

I remembered the promise I made to you the last time you were in my room
.

I felt like howling, matching the sea’s roar. But in silence, I found my hand moving to my bag next to me on the bench, containing your diary, your memory. I put it on my lap and bent over it, crying
.

I tried to hold back from reading it ever since Hilal gave it to me, but yesterday I needed to hear your words, I needed you close to me to help me out of my situation
.

I saw page after page about your life in Jeddah, from the moment you arrived, to the day when you were fifteen and you were sent by your uncle to your perverse kafeel, and your time in Jasim’s café. I saw so much pain, so much suffering chained to the pages and your striving to break free. And when I finished reading, I bowed my head and could think of nothing else but my aching desire to hold you tight, and to tell you how much you mean to me
.

I hurried to Hilal’s house, thinking about nothing but being with you. I begged him to help me with my plan. He was shocked and tried to change my mind saying that I shouldn’t trade my dignity, and that patience was the hope of lovers. He offered to ask his aging kafeel Jawad Ibn Khalid, who had left suddenly for medical treatment in America, to help me when he returned from his trip in a few months’ time. But I told Hilal that I could not be sure whether his kafeel would be able to assist, and that I had no time to waste, since my father had recently announced that he had found a husband for me and that this time he wouldn’t let even my mother stop him. What would a husband do to a wife when he found out he wasn’t her first? I had to act now
.

He reluctantly took my proposal to your kafeel, Bader Ibn Abd-Allah, who you told me has the power to get me a passport and order customs officers to wave me through without question
.

Habibi, as I get ready to give your kafeel what you had to give him when you were fifteen, I know you won’t judge me. I have to do what it takes to get a life that is rightfully mine, I have no regrets whatsoever. I don’t want to think about what will happen. Instead, I only think about when I will see you and remind myself of the promise I made you on our last Friday afternoon together. Can you remember that afternoon, habibi? We had just one candle glowing in my dark room. We were standing naked in front of each other. Half of your face was covered by the darkness, half of you glowed in the candlelight
.

“
Fiore?” you whispered
.

I didn’t respond
.

“
Fiore?
”

I reached with my hand to the table and grabbed the candle, and held it with both my hands. I examined your face in silence. Our faces came closer, near to the flame. The fire turned your lips a stark yellow. Sweat trickled slowly, like tears, down your lower lip. We became a mirror of each other in our sadness, and love, pain and longing
.

And when the candle dropped between our feet, when the darkness claimed the room, when your lips fell on mine like a lid, I wanted to tell you, before you left, that I had no regrets because life is priceless, because I am too young to die, because I will never let them bury me alive, not when my heart still loves you and has so much left to give, not before my eyes that adore you, but still have so much to see, go blind. “Habibi,” I wanted to begin, as your teeth bit on my lips, as your breath accelerated the beating of my heart, as your tongue hypnotised mine. “Naser? Habibi?” I had so much to tell you, but my words were dispersed just like your hands moving over my body. And when we began to twirl around each other as if we were on a sacred dance floor, dancing in tandem, joined from head to toe, and as we continued to move in a circle breaking everything in our path until we finally found the bed, we stopped. I wanted to scream, “Naser, listen to me.” But you put your right hand under my left thigh, your left under my right, and you lifted me off the ground so high that I felt I was about to touch the stars, and when you swung your body, we fell on to the bed like two birds from the sky. My hair fell over your face, my breasts pressed tight against your chest, and when I plunged between your thighs, I whispered a promise in your ear, “Habibi, ifjasim betrays you, and I am left behind alone, I will not succumb. I will not be another anecdote in the imam’s sermons to frighten future lovers. I will not protect my father’s honour, because this is my life. No. I will take myself across the Red Sea just as I brought you to my room. Whatever happens, I will not die. I’ll do whatever it takes, because I haven’t lived yet, because I lust for life. And life, I know, is beautiful
.”

Abaya:
veil—the large, black cloak dress worn by women in Saudi Arabia

Alhamdulillah:
thanks be to Allah

Allah wa Akbar:
Allah is great

Assalamu alaikum:
a greeting—Peace be upon you. See
Wa ‘alaikumu salam

Astaqfirullah:
May Allah grant us forgiveness

Azan:
call to prayer

Bismillah:
in the name of Allah

Eid al-Fitr:
festival of fast-breaking marking the end of Ramadan

Gabi:
traditional white cotton scarf worn in Ethiopia and Eritrea

Gutra:
a traditional Arab head-dress

Habibi⁄Habibati:
My love

Halal:
permissible under Islamic law

Haratn:
forbidden under Islamic law

Hijra:
migration

Insha Allah:
if Allah wills it

Iqama:
residence permit

Jallabiyah:
a long robe worn by Sudanese men

Kabba:
building located within the Great Mosque in Mecca which houses the Black Stone. Muslims all over the world turn towards the Kabba when they pray

Kabsa:
classic Saudi Arabian dish made from rice, meat and spices

Kafeel: a sponsor. Every non-Saudi living or working in the country has to be sponsored by a Saudi. The
kafeel
system gives full control to the Saudis over the lives of the foreigners they sponsor. The
kafeel
has the power to withhold the passports of those under their control and deport them whenever they choose

Krar:
(
Tigrinya
) a traditional Eritrean musical instrument

Mahram (pi. mahaarim):
unmarriageable kin with whom sexual intercourse is forbidden

Majlis:
reception room

Masha Allah:
what Allah wishes. Often used as a compliment for something good

Mihrab:
a recess in a mosque that indicates the direction of Mecca

Minbar:
where an imam delivers sermons

Mutawwa (pi. mutawwa’in):
a term used to describe those who follow the strict interpretation of Islam. It is also used to refer to a member of the Saudi religious police

Ogal:
a black band fastened around the
gutra
to hold it in place

‘
Oud:
a musical instrument similar to a lute

Outer:
(
Tigrinya
) a clay pot to keep water cool

Salat Al Asar:
the prayer in the last part of the afternoon. It is the third of five daily prayers Shahada: declaration of faith to Allah

Shawarma:
Middle Eastern meat or chicken sandwich

Shisha:
a water pipe used for smoking tobacco

Subhan Allah:
Glorified be Allah

Sunnah:
to follow the religious actions instituted by Prophet Mohammed

Sura:
chapter. The Qur’an is composed of 114 chapters

Tagiyah:
a white knitted skull cap

Takbeer:
to call the name of Allah—it is said at the start of a prayer and every subsequent set of prayers

Tasleem:
saying
Assalamu alaikum
to close the prayer

Thobe:
a long-sleeved one-piece garment that covers the whole body

Tigrinya:
the language of Eritrea

Toombak:
a rolled ball of chewed tobacco

Umma:
a community or nation. It is used to refer to the community of believers

Umra:
little pilgrimage, performed at any time except the days of the main pilgrimage

Wa ‘alaikumu salam
(in response to the greeting
Assalamu alaikum
): And upon you is the peace

Ya:
exclamation. Literally, the word means ‘oh’. A prefix before calling someone

Yallah:
hurry up

Zib Al-Ard:
Dick of the Earth!