2 Heroes & Hooligans in Goose Pimple Junction (17 page)

Johnny walked into the hardware store, making a note to himself to talk to Martha Maye about Honey. Lost in thought, he nearly walked right into a familiar-looking man.

“Huh,” the man muttered, blocking the aisle, “look who it is—Mr. Gutterfield.”

“That’s
Chief Butterfield,
thank you very much.” He looked carefully at the man. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” He thought the man possessed too much undeserved self-confidence. He had an air of cockiness and belligerence. Johnny looked down at him, taking in the flabby biceps underneath his T-shirt. Johnny was wider, taller, and more fit, with at least fifty pounds and five inches on him, yet the man’s stance mirrored a challenge.

“I know your name, but you don’t know mine, do ya
?
Well,
Johnny
, it’s best we’re properly introduced, since I just might be your worst nightmare.”

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

~Southern Proverb

“A
nd why would that be?” Johnny asked, propping his hands on his hips and stepping back slightly.

“I don’t take kindly to folks messing with what’s mine, that’s why.” The bully took a step toward Johnny, back into his personal space.

“Look, it’s been real nice dancing with you, but my dance card’s full, so why don’t you tell me what I’ve done to put that bee in your pretty little bonnet.”

“I’ll tell you who I’m
not, Chief Butterball.
” Johnny stayed silent but raised one eyebrow. “I’m not Martha Maye’s
ex
-husband.”

Johnny nodded. It was all clear now. “Lenny Applewhite,” he said, standing his ground. He thought Lenny was mighty stupid to stand so close to him, because it allowed him to tower over the man. A vision of a bug being squished under a shoe came to his mind. He crossed his arms and glared down at the man.

“Darn tootin’ I’m Lenny Applewhite. And I’m literally here to say”—he jabbed his finger into Johnny’s chest with each word—”stay outta my way,
Chief
.”

“Well, Mr. Applewhite, let me tell you a thing or two. I don’t cotton to you pretending to bump into me accidentally, and furthermore, if you so much as touch a fingertip to me one more time, I’ll arrest you for assaulting a police officer and cart you off to jail.”

“Oh yeah? Well, maybe I’ll claim police brutality. It’ll literally be your word against mine,
Chief
Mutterfield.”

Johnny shook his head, looking around at all of the customers who were pretending to be shopping. “Somehow I think the truth would come out.” He tried to step around Lenny and walk away.

Lenny blocked his path again, his big belly touching Johnny’s belt buckle.

“Boy, you got your stupid head on today?” Johnny glared at him.

“You don’t scare me, Mr. Big Man, but maybe I scare you, huh? Does Martha Maye know about you and Honey Winchester? Maybe I’ll go fill her in.”

Give me strength, Lord
. Johnny said, “My mama always told me to never argue with an idiot. Excuse me.” He brushed past Lenny, intent on ending the discussion.

Lenny said loudly, “So tell me, are you sleeping with my wife in addition to dining with her,
Chief Buttercup
?”

Johnny stopped and turned around slowly, narrowed eyes burrowing into Lenny’s. He looked at the man with a stare capable of burning paper and said with controlled anger, “Martha Maye is a lady and you will regard her as such.”

“Oh really? Here’s a tip for you, Mr. Nutterfield. You can’t tell me what I can and can’t say. This here’s a free country, and she’s my wife, and I can talk about her however I want.”

Johnny’s voice remained quiet, but his tone was menacing. “Then there will come a time when I am not on duty and will take great pleasure in teaching you some manners.”

“Ooh, I’m real scared.” Lenny shook his hands in the air in mock fear. “Did y’all hear that?” Lenny spoke loudly, looking all around the store for witnesses. “The police chief here just threatened me.”

“No,
Mr.
Applewhite. You’ve mistaken a threat for a promise.” He moved closer to Lenny, pointed his finger two inches in front of his face, and said firmly, “Do. Not. Tempt me.”

“Shoot, Mr. Big Man thinks he’s Mr. Tough Man,” Lenny said, looking around the store again to see who might be watching. There were five people in the store and all were concentrating very hard on various items in their hands, pretending not to listen in on the conversation.

“I could literally take you any day of the week, and twice on Sunday,” Lenny boasted.

“You might just get your chance to find out about that. In the meantime, if you don’t turn yourself around and march your scrawny little butt outta this store in about five seconds, I’m gonna call the station and have them send a car for your personal transportation to an all-expense-paid visit to Hotel Lockup. It would be my pleasure to look at that smirk through bars.” Johnny held up a finger and began counting. “One.”

Lenny began backing up but continued to talk so anyone in the store could hear. “Can y’all believe this? The man’s screwing my wife and he’s pissed at
me
.”

“Three.” Johnny held up three fingers.

“Ha!” Lenny pointed at Johnny. “You can’t even count.”

Johnny held out four fingers on his hand.

“All right, I’m going, but you can’t hide behind that badge forever. Like you said, sooner or later, you’re gonna be off duty …”

“Five,” Johnny reached for the phone hooked to his belt. But he didn’t need to use it. Lenny turned and stalked from the store, the bells on the door clanging wildly as he pulled it open and then slammed it shut.

It was a bright, crisp fall afternoon when Martha Maye took the kids out for recess. A lone figure drew her eye to the edge of the schoolyard. Lenny stood on the other side of the chain link fence, leaning against it with his arms spread wide above his head, his fingers grasping the chain links and his face up against them, watching her. She tried to ignore him, but his presence was unnerving. She ended recess early.

That afternoon when she walked her students out the front door at dismissal time, he was leaning against a tree across the street, arms folded, watching her. She hurried inside and called Johnny.

“
Now
will you take out a restraining order on him?” Johnny asked.

“What good will that do? He doesn’t get close to me, and wouldn’t a restraining order only require him to stay five hundred yards away? He already does that.”

“Did you and Butterbean walk to school today?”

“Yes. I mean, Butterbean rode her bike …”

“I’m coming to pick y’all up. Do not leave until I get there.”

“Yes sir,” she said to dead air.

Lenny was gone by the time Johnny got to the school. Questions abounded from Butterbean as to why Chief Butterfield was taking them home again.

Since their house was only a few blocks away, Martha Maye allowed her daughter to ride her bike home, but Johnny and she followed closely behind in the police car.

“I don’t know what to do, Johnny.” She rolled her window down and felt the breeze on her face. “He’s following me, he shows up here and there watching me, and I keep getting strange presents. Now I’m thinking they’ve got to be from him.”

Johnny’s eyes continuously swept the area around them as he drove.

“I’m serious about you taking out a restraining order on him. If nothing else, it will send him a message that you’re serious about him staying away from you.”

“I don’t know,” she said, watching Butterbean peddle faster over a tree root protruding from the sidewalk. “I don’t want to make him madder. I keep thinking if I ignore him, he’ll eventually go away.”

“I don’t think his seatback is in the full, upright, and locked position. It’s doubtful subtle is going to work with him.”

The leaves—some golden yellow, some orange, and some red—danced in the air before slowly and gracefully falling to the ground. There were pumpkins on most of the front porches, and some of the yards had cornstalks or ghosts or witches for decoration.

Martha Maye sighed. “This is my favorite time of year, and Lenny’s ruining it for me.”

Butterbean turned into their driveway, and Johnny followed, parking beside a huge maple tree, the leaves of which had turned brilliant yellow.

Martha Maye got out with her book bag, as Johnny reached into the back seat for Butterbean’s backpack.

“Would you like to come in for milk and cookies?” Martha Maye asked him.

“Does the Pope wear a funny dress?” he said, following her to the side door.

“Does he?” Butterbean piped up, catching up to them.

“Chief Butterfield is being facetious.”

“What’s setious?”

“FA. Fa-ce-tious,” Martha Maye enunciated. “It means don’t take him literally. He’s being humorous.”

“Aw, come on, who would say no to your mama’s cookies?”

Martha Maye handed Butterbean a cookie and told her to go see if Maddy Mack could play. “And get the mail for me before you go next door, okay?”

“Okay, Mama.” Butterbean skipped out of the kitchen.

“She’s a keeper, Mart.”

“Thank you, Johnny. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

Johnny removed his hat and checked his watch.

“Can you sit for a minute?” She put some oatmeal raisin cookies on a plate. When she turned around to set them on the table, Johnny sat slightly bent at the waist, forearms on his thighs, fingering his hat between his knees, deep in thought.

“I don’t want to stay too long and give Lenny any more ammunition, but I need to tell you about a run-in I just had in the hardware store before someone else does.”

“Ammunition?”

“Yeah.” He let out a long breath. “Lenny tried to pick a fight with me in Doc’s hardware store. I kind of lost my temper and told him I’d be off duty one day and teach him some manners.”

She put her hand over her mouth to cover a smile. “I would’ve liked to have seen that. I imagine he didn’t take too kindly to it.”

“Negative. He did not.” Johnny shook his head and picked up a cookie. “He got all loud and started yelling about me threatening him. So I obliged him and gave him a threat. I said I’d put him in the pokey if he didn’t walk away.”