1995 - The UnDutchables (8 page)

A Dutch
paraaf
(signing of initials) consists of one or more large, illegible scribbles, used mainly to ensure that no one but the originator can decipher the initials. The formal signature (
handtekening
, lit. ‘hand-drawing’) is equally as enigmatic as the initials, only there is more of it. Whether using the
paraaf
or hand-drawing, the process of bold and daring scribbling provides positive identification of the Dutch nationality.

Of equal importance on some documents is the
stempel
(rubber stamp). While some documents require only a
paraaf
, others need the hand-drawing and yet others need the ‘stamp.’ Sometimes a combination of
stempel + paraaf
or stamp + hand-drawing are necessary.

Other vital ingredients of a legal Dutch document include the date and place (
datum en plaats
), despite the fact that the place can easily be falsified and is inconsequential.

When the Dutch bark ‘
legitimatie
’ at you, for once they are not being rude; they are not probing into your family history or parentage. The word is harmless, meaning ‘identification.’

The Dutch alien residence card (
verblijfskaart
), issued to non-Dutch dwellers LEGALLY residing in the Netherlands, requires strong proof of identity and purpose for its issuance. Yet this card is not considered a form of identification by most institutions, including the post office, even though it bears your name, photo, hand-drawing, birth date, place of birth, nationality and alien registration number, verified by a minimum of two
stempels
and an official hand-drawing by an authorized member of the alien police. Additional space is provided on the card for met wie?

When being introduced to a Dutch person for the first time, a mutual monotone mumbling of names takes place. Expressions such as, ‘
How do you do?’, ‘Pleased to meet you
,’ etc., are not used. During the introduction, your gaze should be a vacant one. Avoid eye contact.

Hand contact, called ‘hand-giving’ (
hand geven
), consists of a nervous, damp, limp, hand wobble (see Chapter 14). The facial expression is one of boredom and indifference.

In Holland, you must state your name every time you answer your phone. If you fail to do so, the other party will either lapse into silence or demand to know who you are (
Met wie spreek ik?
) before uttering another word.
Cloggies
are seemingly incapable of holding any type of telephone conversation without knowing your name:

Can I speak to Mr. van Doom?

What is your name?

John Smith
.

(Bluntly:)

Ja! The switchboard is closed. Call back later
.

Can I leave my name or a message?

No!

Many Dutch suffer from telephonophobia (
telefoonvrees
). The symptoms include anxiety and extreme nervousness when dealing with both incoming and outgoing calls. The Dutch are at a loss to explain the origin of their phone fear, but admit it is not unknown for the weak-hearted to go into cardiac arrest at the sound of a ringing phone. An answer-phone only makes things worse, including the word for the associated affliction:
telefoonbeantwoorderapparaatvrees
.

Perhaps one cause of their telephonophobia is that deep in the subconscious mind, they all know what to expect when dealing with calls to or from a business, public office, etc…If you try to obtain a piece of information, you get passed from one number to another. After four or five frustrating calls, each time repeating your name and request, you are fortunate if you reach the correct office.

To add to the inbred paranoia, the national telephone service (PTT) intends to implement a more efficient system of informing subscribers about the possibility of ‘eavesdropping.’ Telephone directories, price lists, etc., would advise the general public that their calls can be ‘bugged.’ Car phone services, which are particularly prone to frequent, undetectable ‘bugging,’ may be modified to include a prerecorded warning at the start of every incoming call. George Orwell would love it.

If you do not know the toadstool (
toestel
or extension number) or department (
afdeling
), it will be necessary to explain in great detail to the switchboard operator why you are calling, and why you are calling THEM. Just as you reach the interesting part of your lengthy explanation, the operator, not knowing what on earth you are talking about, will either:

• cut you off, or
  
• connect you to a toadstool, seemingly selected at random. When someone answers, you must begin your explanation all over again…and again…and again…
  

When you ring the police, expect to have a long wait until someone replies. Offer the burglar or murderer in your home a cup of coffee to stall him while you wait for the police to answer your call.

In order to lessen the trauma of the general population over their phobia, plush public telephone booths are placed at convenient locations throughout the country. These structures are not so much provided for the purpose of making telephone calls, but for the therapeutic exercise of ‘hypervandalism.’ By daylight, the telephone directory (if it has not been stolen or otherwise removed) can be destroyed and replaced with graffiti—written and sprayed from floor to roof, inside and out. When darkness descends and the general public has had time to read the graffiti, all windows and other breakable components (including the apparatus itself) can be destroyed. On weekends, the booth can be set on fire.

THE NATIONAL PASSION

The (Dutch) urge to be original often leads to utter nonsense
…

—Han Lammers, Queen’s Commissioner for Flevoland Province

The Dutch love to devote time to a ‘good cause.’ They express their devotion in the form of demonstrations, riots, debate, discussions and the inevitable collections. The common denominator is PROTEST.

When these gentle pacifists are inconvenienced or their egos ruffled, they instinctively resort to aggression and/or violence of tongue and word. (They rarely resort to acts of physical violence as such behaviour is abhorred by the population as a whole.) They get their way—more so than any other nation. But it’s never enough for them. They always find more to COMPLAIN and PROTEST about. This perpetual cycle of confrontation and inherent change has been instrumental in reducing excesses of the wealthy and powerful. Consequently, class distinction is minimal. The philosophy would appear to be:

• We hate anybody telling us what to do.
  
• Speak out! (At times the Government and law enforcement agencies are paralysed by the thought: ‘People would not stand for it.’)
  
• Defy defiance.
  

Defiance is found even in the isolated areas where rigid rules and strict moral discipline reign. In 1971 in the ultra-conservative village of Staphorst, where polio vaccination was always strongly advised against by the local church authorities, most parents had their children inoculated during a polio epidemic.

A favourite method of self-expression is the use of ‘profound’ slogans and/or maxims. These are often presented in the form of pathetically unsubtle jingles, such as ‘
GEEN WONING, GEEN KRONING
’ (no housing, no coronation) on the occasion of the crowning of Queen Beatrix in 1980, or ‘
WONEN NIET SPELEN
’ (housing, not games), when the city of Amsterdam was a candidate for the 1992 Olympic Games. Such sayings are displayed in various ways:

• GRAFFITI. Graffiti is used as a means of bringing the message to the masses. It can be found in abundance at places where the public gather. Main transport termini, (surviving) telephone booths and church walls are popular bulletin boards.
  
• BUTTONS. Featuring the established slogan or maxim for the cause, handwritten and often including a crude cartoon-like illustration or motif, these are conspicuously displayed on the clothing of sympathizers and supporters of the cause as medals of service. It is not uncommon for the chest of the enlightened bearer to be adorned with a multitude of different campaign buttons, thereby giving indication of rank to the protesting legions.
  
• STICKERS. Stickers are designed much as the buttons, but somewhat less abundant, probably due to the relatively high cost of production.
  A slogan-sticker: ‘I do it with (a condom)’
  
• BANNERS. These are usually made from old bed sheets and house paint and are erected or hung from the roof top or windows of a protester’s home or headquarters on the day of the official protest. Thereafter the device is left in place to rot, as a symbol of freedom and remembrance to all disinterested parties.
  
• PROMOTIONAL T-SHIRTS. These tend to embody more patronizing phraseology such as those used to promote the 1992 Amsterdam Olympics with the slogan: ’
  

  ‘
  Holland wants the world to win
  .’
  

  ‘(Holland and the world lost the 1992 Olympics were held elsewhere.)
  

The tide began to change in the late 1980’s when some groups decided that slogans don’t work anymore. Instead, these groups elected to write and analyse thorough annual reports in order to impress politicians and the police.

The Dutch attention span is in some respects shortlived. In such a radically progressive and rapidly changing nation, it is no wonder that every few years each new wave of youth rejects the ideas of the previous. In this sense, labeling a cause or movement as old-fashioned discredits it and serves as an insult to any lingering, faithful followers.

In the earliest and calmest phases, the national passion is disseminated through discussion and debate. Whenever and wherever more than one
cloggy
is present, they will engage in what they consider to be deep and meaningful discussion. They cannot stop themselves. In the office, meetings drag on endlessly since so much attention is given to the right to fully express one’s personal opinion. The impression that something was actually settled in a meeting will be proven wrong when workers later remark,

We didn ‘t agree to anything yet. We only discussed it
.

This famously frustrating phrase prompts many to exclaim,

‘
Let’s stop TALKING about it and DO something!
’

and is summed up by the classic maxim:

It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it
.

Cloggies
like to interject a good dose of body language into their discussions, as illustrated by the following ‘
Jan &Piet
joke:

Jan had been expounding his views to his colleague Piet on a winter day. After a while, Jan said, ‘
You do the talking for a while, Piet. My hands are cold
.’

When discussion and debate do not settle a problem, Hollanders escalate to the next phase where they voice their disapproval through the accepted and sacred channels Of COMPLAINT, PROTEST, OBJECTION and APPEAL.

When the Dutch disagree with something, the first step is to COMPLAIN. COMPLAIN to anyone who will listen. Grumbling and COMPLAINING are part of the Dutch way of life.

Having found sympathetic ears, the next step in the process is to PROTEST. With the support of the ears and their associated mouths, the PROTEST can be made known to the offending party. This is usually accomplished through the medium of the written word.

Only when the PROTEST is met with overwhelming apathy does the disagreement gain momentum. The sympathetic ears and mouths now become an offended action (
aktie
) group, and the disagreement automatically enters the OBJECTION phase. This phase is an overzealous form of the PROTEST and can include pleas, threats, demands and anything else that would likely win the day. The more determined objectors arrange for details of their dispute to be included in specialist community publications.

The final conflict is manifested as the APPEAL. To win it requires all the support and cunning a Dutch(wo)man can muster. The APPEAL is a battle of wits and manoeuvring in both written and verbal form. (When a Dutch neighbour was once asked for advice about a dispute, she advised, ‘
Je moet nu een grote mond opzetten
,’ lit., ‘
Now you have to open your mouth wide
.’)

This four-element procedure is followed at all levels -official and unofficial, domestic and bureaucratic. It is valid in the case of an inconsiderate neighbour. Similarly, most official letters dealing with governmental finances end with a clause stating that YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO OBJECT (
bezwaar indienen
) to the Government’s decision. Even the annual income tax form states, ‘
After some time you will receive a reply to your letter of objection. If you do not agree with this reply, you can appeal
.’ You usually have 1-2 months to APPEAL. Depending on the circumstances, your letter can be sent to the office in question, or to the mayor or the Queen.

Causes

The causes, protests and incessant gum-bashing about ‘opinion’ are all done in the name of freedom and the Dutch concept of democracy. As soon as the suffix
-vrij
(free) is added to a noun depicting a supposed evil force, the word is sanctified and warrants flagrant public display, for example, ‘
kernwapenvrije gemeente
’ (nuclear weapon-free community) and ‘
rookvrij gebouw
’ (non-smoking building).

Although the Dutch will scrimp and save every last cent, morsel of food or scrap of clothing whenever possible, they do like to give, but only to what they consider to be a worthwhile cause. This is usually through an organized foundation (
stichting
) with tax-free status.

A FUND FOR RELIEF FROM PERSECUTION AND EUTHANASIA OF AMPHI-EROTIC, ONE-LEGGED MICE IN THE SOUTHERN PROVINCE OF WESTERN ZILDENAVIA
would give the Dutch pride in their worldly consideration. Such a cause would be supported as totally justified as it encompasses the following (Dutch readers, please note that the order presented is alphabetical and in no way politically or emotionally prejudiced):