183 Times a Year (33 page)

Honey is jabbering away at a hundred miles an hour as usual and is now trying on her fiftieth outfit for the Straw Bear. She's like dead excited about it, thinks it's quaint. She says she's never been to anything like this coz she's just lived in the city all her life and this is like a traditional small town event, a pagan
festival
celebrated for as long as I can remember. Although there are a few locals who think of it more as one long pub-crawl. Connor's even doing a Morris dance at twelve o' clock in the market square. Cringe. I officially disown him, do not know him, am in no way related to him until it's done and his ribbons and hankies and bells are removed.

I like that Honey just rambles on and on coz it means as long as I fix my gaze on her yappy mouth and keep up a constant stream of listening noises I can actually just drift off for a while and think of Joe. Why did he tell me he loved me the other day and then deny it? I know he was drunk but don't people – boys I mean – don't boys tell the truth when they're drunk? Uncle Sean says not. Uncle Sean says boys say whatever they need to say to get whatever they want to get when they're drunk. Harsh. I think he's wrong though. He's just old – although not as old as Mum – and cynical. He's just forgotten what it's like to be young.

So, does that mean Joe does really love me? Even though he still won't make us official? I've got butterflies just thinking about him. Mum doesn't like him; I know she doesn't, even though she acts all friendly in front of him. It's all false, all just an act.

‘Hello Joe. How are you?' she says. ‘Would you like a cuppa?'

I've heard her though, moaning to Simple when she thinks no-one can hear, usually about me and Maisy, never about the perfect child. She says she's fed up with Maisy's surly face and bad attitude. I suppose, to be fair to Mum, Mai – I mean Mania – does look like she's going to murder you sometimes if you ask her about Crazee. And she gets dead moody if she doesn't hear from him for a couple of days. And she blamed Mum when Simon and Mum said they didn't have enough money to lend her for the flight to Oz. I do feel sorry for Maisy though and I get it. She's in love and desperately missing her boy. Why do old
people
not understand that?

Mum definitely doesn't like Joe. She thinks he's using me, said she doesn't understand why I can't fall for someone like the lovely Luke. Poor Luke, he is lovely but you can't bloody help who you bloody love Mum. Look at you with Simple for god's sake. Or worse than that, Dad once for god's bloody sake. Why don't I fancy Luke though? He is quite good looking, although not quite as much as Joe, he likes music, he likes me for god sake. He always answers my texts and calls and is never too busy with his stone head friends to see me and yet I've put him, well and truly, in the friend zone.

‘Cas, Cassie, are you listening to me?'

I look up to see Honey strutting catwalk style across my bedroom.

‘Well? What do you think?' she says running her hand across the tiniest, shortest dress in all of history.

‘Ammmmazing. You look gaw-jus Honey. All the boys will be wishing they were girls, or at least spend most of the day thinking they have what it takes to convert you.' Her laugh is as loud, as usual. ‘Won't you be cold though?'

‘Nah,' she replies covering her tiny dress with the tiniest jacket and biggest scarf I've ever seen.

‘Oh well, that's okay then. And at least it's stopped snowing.'

Chapter 30

THE BURNING OF THE BEAR

LIZZIE

Oh my god. Is that banging sound the noise of real drums or just the rhythm of my thumping head? I lay very still. I'm pretty convinced if I move, my head will explode. Somewhere beyond this bedroom, life is unfolding. My ears pick up familiar sounds. Toilets flush, showers run and hairdryers blow. Muffled conversations are diffused with guttural guffaws and raucous screams. I can hear the dishwasher being loaded. It must be Simon. God forbid one of the kids actually noticed it needed doing. Just another Saturday morning and yet, not far from my bedroom window in the outside world, I also detect the foreign sounds of flutes, bells, whistles and the periodic clash of metal and wooden swords. The festival is already in full flow.

Unfortunately, I partook in a little too much festival spirit at the barn dance last night. As is custom the Straw Bear began in earnest yesterday evening and will continue throughout the whole of today, culminating in the Burning of the Bear tomorrow. Originally taking place on Plough Tuesday, the Straw Bear is a long standing local tradition going back at least a couple of hundred years. Every year a man is covered from head to foot in straw and where once was led from house to house in exchange for gifts of food, money or beer, now leads a procession of street entertainment.

A good night was had by all – I think? I wonder if Jodi's as
hung
over as me. That apple and raspberry cider was potent, went down far too easily, hence the hammer in my head this morning.

‘Mum,' Connor says breathlessly, bursting into my room. ‘Have you seen my sword? Oh…you're not even up yet? What's wrong? You don't look so good? Are you hung over? Are you going to miss me dancing on the Market Square?' He sounds worried. ‘Coz I was really hoping you'd be there, to see me?'

Bloody hell, he's turning into Cassie.

‘I'm fine love,' I lie. ‘Just a bit of a headache. I'll be there, don't you worry. Not going to miss my boy and his sword fighting.'

Connor sighs. ‘It's not sword fighting Mum, it's dancing with swords.'

Suddenly the door crashes open. ‘Mum!' Cassie shouts. ‘Oh, you're not even up yet?' She looks at Connor with disgust. ‘What you doing in here loser? I thought you had some stupid hankie waving, bell ringing, Morrissey dance to do?' Connor rolls his eyes and sighs heavily.

‘It's a sword dance Cassie, a Long Sword dance. Not Morris dancing.'

‘Yeah, whatevs. It's bloody ridiculous is what it is. Just don't talk to me while you're wearing that stupid costume okay?'

Connor lowers his head. ‘I'm going to look for my sword.'

‘Oh dear,' Cassie says turning back to me. ‘Who had a little too much bragget last night then eh?'

Only to drown out your incessant whinging about Joe. Again!

‘Who's hanging this morning then?' Cassie continues, grinning. ‘I have some great news though.'

What? You've finally seen the light and dumped Joe?

‘You're never gonna believe this?'

Probably not … but then again?

‘
Try me,' I say forcing a smile.

‘Well, I've just been speaking to Joe…'

Oh god here we go again.

‘And guess what?'

‘I couldn't if I tried.'

‘He's only gonna go and make us official, on Facebook with a picture and everything!'

‘Wow!'

‘Isn't it! I think it's coz I was so upset last night?'

You don't say.

‘And I finally told him, gave him an ultimatum. Said I was sick of this casual shit and if he didn't make it official I'm done with him.'

Like you were done with him on Wednesday, and last week, and the week before that?

‘
Anyway I was talking to him, just now on the phone. Oh yeah Honey said thanks for letting her stay by the way. She's dead excited. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah so I was just talking to Joe on the phone and he said like he'd given some thought to everything I said to him last night.'

Screamed at him you mean.

‘And he said he's prepared to take it – us – to the next level. Isn't that aammaazinng?'

I resist the urge to laugh, or do I mean cry? Maybe both?

‘I know like it's the Straw Bear and he's probably drunk already but … well, people tell the truth when they're drunk. Don't they?'

Does she really want me to answer that? Whatever I say will be wrong.

Yep, you're fucked.

Cassie looks at me, waiting for my reply. ‘Well?' she asks.

I attempt a smile but remain silent.

‘Cas? Cassie babe?' Honey calls out. ‘You ready?' Thank
god
for that. Saved by the bell or in this case, the Honey.

To my slight embarrassment Honey wanders into my room. I try to sit up and press my hair down with the palms of my hands.

‘Hey Lizzie,' she says.

‘Hello Honey,' I reply.

‘God, you look like well rough,' she continues, perching on the end of the bed.

‘Thanks.'

‘S'okay, don't worry, we all look crap without our make-up on. I could do yours if you want? I'm quite good at doing old people. I might even be able to make you look a bit younger?'

I decline her very generous offer and tell the girls I'll look for them both at the festival later.

Yeah, see em and run you mean.

They leave my room and I breathe a sigh of relief, throwing the duvet back over my throbbing head.

‘Oh by the way,' Cassie says. She has come back into my room again. ‘I'm going with Honey to the STD clinic on Monday.'

‘WHAT?'I exclaim throwing the duvet off again.

‘Yeah, she thinks one of her exes might have Chlamydia so I'm gonna go with her – you know, for support.' I open my mouth to speak then close it again. Then open it again and close it again. Cassie laughs.

‘Okay,' I eventually reply.

‘Sees ya later.'

‘Yeah. See you later.'

I'm flattered Cassie feels she can talk to me, tell me things, intimate things, but can there be too much honesty between a mother and her daughter? I sigh. Oh well, at least they're being sensible.

CASSIE

For once in her life Honey is quiet, mesmerised by the colour and noise of a heaving town that only days ago was quiet and boring. The Straw Bear dances in the main street and a procession of people follow him, cheering, banging drums and waving sticks with bells on.

Honey spots Joe up ahead disappearing into the pub with the usual crowd so we follow them. My phone pings, it's a text from Mia – she says she's too ill to come today which is like, a real shame coz I think she would have loved all this madness. But it is bloody cold. Freezing actually. I feel as though my bloody face is gonna crack like an ice cube in a minute, so it's probably just as well she didn't come.

I love Mia. I'm so glad she liked the underwear I helped her Dad Clive (the perv who isn't a perv) pick out for her. She is brave too. Mostly for fighting cancer but also for letting The Incandescent Adolescents play at her birthday party. She said we were brilliant and is like, our number one fan. Everyone did seem to really like us despite the fact we went wrong a couple of times. And of course Honey tripped over one of the amps, her skinny, long legs flapping open and her short, short skirt riding up showing her tiny black thong. I swear she almost gave some of the Dads watching us heart attacks (some of the Mums too actually). Some of the Dads were like, actually drooling at the mouth. Pervs. Oh well, it gained us a few more fans.

I still can't believe Blue Horizon turned up to sing a couple of songs too. Maisy asked her bass player Ralph, who she's been a friend with since our first college performance (and, as it turns out, is also friends with Crazee) to ask her. I didn't think she'd like, actually turn up, coz she's becoming like well famous now, but I think she was like well moved by Mia's cancer and stuff. Blue Horizon whose real name is Jessica (I prefer Blue Horizon)
and
is sooo sick and sooo talented said we, the band, were amazing and she's gonna like our Facebook page. I don't think we are that good – we're not bad – just okay. At the moment anyway. But we're getting better and thanks to Mia and her friends we're starting to get a real following now.

I don't know what's up with Mum not being up and ready this morning. That's so not like her. She's been acting weird for months now, ever since her and Ruby fell out. I still can't believe they're not speaking. They've been the bestest of friends for like, forever – surely whatever the problem is they can sort it out? Mum won't tell anyone, not even Simon, why they've fallen out. I mean really, like for god's bloody sake, it's just so bloody childish. I actually think it's Mum just being a complete bitch coz Ruby keeps trying to arrange to meet up with Mum but Mum just ignores her. I know coz I've seen some of the texts Ruby sent Mum, except Mum doesn't know I know.

Oh shit, Joe's just come out of the pub. With some bloody girl draped all over him! Why? Why does he bloody do this to me?

LIZZIE

Simon brings me a much-needed cup of coffee. He tells me Connor found his sword and has gone off to practice with the other members of the team before their big performance at the Market Square.