18 Things (35 page)

Next to my headstone stood the faded graves of my maternal grandparents. The plot on the other side was empty, and I guessed it was most likely reserved for my parents. Most certainly, they’d go straight to Heaven.

If I stayed in the in-between, would I ever see them again? I turned around, feeling as if something heavy pressed on my chest, the same sensation I felt after Conner died, a grief that had actually weighed so much on my heart it broke. I didn’t think I could stand another moment here.

My whole body was stiff as I ran back through the cemetery, down the sidewalks of town, my breathing shallow and beads of sweat dripping down my face. But I didn’t stop, and I never looked back.

When I finally reached my apartment building, I was shocked to find the front door locked. In all my eighteen—well, I guess seventeen and a half—years on Earth, I didn’t recall my parents ever locking the door.

I walked around the back and found Dad grilling on the porch, his garden full of tomatoes and corn plants. I pat the wet soil, admiring Dad’s work. I’d never know if I inherited Dad’s green thumb or not.

Sitting on the metal chair, I was relieved I didn’t fall through it.

“Daddy,” I said aloud, even though I knew he couldn’t hear me. But if what I did on the spirit plane affected things here, then maybe my words now could somehow get through to him. I prayed they did. “I know I hurt you badly. I should have gone to you and Mom and God with my problems, but instead I made a stupid decision in the moment. I hope you know I didn’t take my life on purpose. I would never do that to you, but somehow I did. I pray you can forgive me. I pray you find the strength and courage to keep moving on with your lives. I’ll miss you, Daddy.”

I stood, then kissed him on the cheek.

He brushed the side of his face as if he felt my touch, then raised his hand toward the sky and looked up. “I miss my baby girl, God.”

A single tear fell. He wiped the side of his face again, opened the grill, flipped the steaks, then headed inside.

Fresh pain washed over me as I followed him, and after he slumped down in his reclining chair in the living room, I searched for Mom. In my room, she sorted my things into boxes. One was labeled trash, another one donations, and a third one storage. She was on the carpet next to the storage box, flipping through the scrapbook Nic helped me make the week after Conner died, the one Mr. and Mrs. Anderson set out at his funeral.

Lots of tears flowed freely from Mom’s eyes.

I squatted next to her, laid a hand on her shoulder, and did the only thing I could at this point. “Lord, give her your peace that transcends all understanding. Help her to let go of any guilt she may be holding onto about what she could have or should have done. Help her to rest in the knowledge you are God. Reveal to her the possibilities of lists for her own life, and help her accomplish things I’ll never be able to.”

I watched her trace over the words of a quote by Victor Hugo I wrote in the scrapbook. “
Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.”

Dad came in and knelt down beside her, then they embraced.

“Steaks are ready.”

They both laughed, maybe at the absurdity of how life goes on.

Out of nowhere, Nate appeared by my side.

I smiled for him, even though I wanted to curl up on the floor and cry with my parents. “How’d you get in here?”

He shrugged. “I thought it, and it happened.” He took in the scene. “Everything okay here?”

I hesitated as I looked around one more time to the worn-out carpet I played on, the desk and swivel chair I spent so much time studying in, the shelves crammed with old books that beckoned to me on rainy and snowy days. “No, but it will be. I don’t belong here anymore though.”

After giving my parents one last hug, I grabbed hold of Nate’s hand and led him to the living room. “So how do we get out of here? Walk through doors or just wish to go to Dr. Judy’s office?”

Nate was unnaturally still and not answering my question.

I chewed on my lip. The realization of what Nate probably discovered on his trip gradually settled over me. “Hey, are you okay? Did—”

“You want to know how I am?” His eyes widened with terror. “I am horrible. I am ripped apart. I’m broken. And not because of me. Not because I’m dead. But because I killed someone else.” He took a deep, pained breath. “And I know I’ve spent the past year telling you to let go of your guilt, but that’s different. Your actions really didn’t cause the death of another human being, mine did.”

Tugging him, I forced him to sit on our lumpy couch. “No, you didn’t. You didn’t force that kid to race you. You both played an equal part.”

He yanked away from me. “Then why isn’t he going through the after-death purification process?”

Silence. I stared out the window toward the pond, the ducks coming in for a landing. “Maybe he is somewhere else. Everyone has different realities. I think the number one lesson we learned from today is we really don’t know anything.”

Nate squirmed in his spot then stood up again, choking back tears. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I’ve made up my mind. I’m not ready to move on. I want to help others through the after-death purification process. I don’t want this to be for nothing, for this past year to be a waste of time. If I can help someone else, I have to do it. But I’ll understand if you want to move on with Conner instead of staying with me.”

I nodded and sighed, because I wasn’t even sure if Conner ‘moved on.’ And I wasn’t sure how I felt about being a ‘waste of time’ either, so I logged the statement away to argue about later, on a day when Nate and I weren’t just handed the biggest plot twist since the final episode of
LOST
.

Mom and Dad walked toward the kitchen for dinner, shattering any pity party I thought about having for myself.

God, I’ll miss them so much.

I looked for a long moment into Nate’s eyes, and he returned my stare. “Will you come with me to one more spot before we see Dr. Judy?”

He grabbed my hand and I closed my eyes, then muttered a prayer.

A second later, we stood atop one of the sand dunes, overlooking Lake Michigan. Since Conner was never buried, this was as close to his graveyard as I’d ever get. It seemed fitting this is where he died, since he was always at peace on the lake, as if God had displayed his splendor out on the water in a show just for us.

I watched kids splash and shriek in the water, and I smiled, remembering my and Conner’s childhood together. He’d already moved on in his own way, and now I would, too. But I felt something more than nostalgia when I thought of him in my moment of silence. My breath caught unexpectedly as the sun glowed brightly against the blue waves crashing in, and I pressed my hands over my heart.

Somehow I had this sixth sense my journey with Conner wasn’t over. I’d discover what happened to him after he died, even if it took all eternity.

“Are
you
okay?” Nate frowned and curved his arm around my shoulders. “What are we doing here?”

“Saying goodbye.”

Leaving this place would be hard. Not taking the easy route to Heaven would be difficult, too. I knew there was only peace and life there, and who knew what kind of pain, fear, and loss we might be helping people through if we became spirit guides. But I knew Conner’s death would help me relate to the pain of others. And I knew nothing could be nearly as hard as losing Conner, or if I were to leave Nate.

I turned my body toward his and kissed him on the lips. Even if I was dead, I felt fully alive around him.

The truth was though, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. There were only three things I was certain of. One, if I got to pick my forever, I chose Nate. Two, I’d already lost Conner once, and if I found him again, I wouldn’t want to lose him twice. And three, I’d risk my own soul for either one of them.

This probably wasn’t a good thing.

With the lessons the
18 Things
life list taught her engraved on her heart,

Olga embarks on a new adventure as a spirit guide.

But Nate wants nothing to do with the startling
18 Truths
she’s discovering along the way.

He leaves her no choice but to break every rule in the book and attempt a dangerous journey on her own.

“For, after a certain distance, every step we take in life
we find the ice growing thinner below our feet,
and all around us and behind us
we see our contemporaries going through.”
—Robert Louis Stevenson

ruth: Every morning when I woke up, the biggest truth I’ve ever faced landed like a grenade in my heart. I never said this when I had the chance: I love Olga Gay Worontzoff with all my heart, soul, mind, and body.

Okay, maybe not body because we never touched outside of handholding and hugs, and usually because tears were involved on her behalf, not in an “I want you” kind of way at all. But I digress, which happened a lot lately since there wasn’t much to do here other than have silly conversations with myself.

Now, where was I?

Oh, false: It’s better to keep your feelings to yourself so you don’t ruin your friendship. What a bunch of crap. I couldn’t believe for twelve years I freakin’ ate a pile of that shi—