150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (60 page)

Dwain Esper and Hildegarde Stadie married in 1920. They remained faithful to each other until his death in 1982 and raised two children together. This goes to show that one can't make judgments about the people behind the movies based solely on their movies.

Trivia Quiz

Which of the following was not a movie produced by
Dwain Esper?

A:
Reefer Madness

B:
Sex Madness

C:
How to Take a Bath

D:
The Nun's Habit

Answer: D. Surprisingly, no one seems to have made a movie titled
The Nun's Habit
. I can think of three or four awful films that are lurking behind a title like that

PRODUCERS
Sheldon S. Seymore and Bill Rebane

WRITERS
Jeff Smith, Dok Stanford, and Bill Rebane

DIRECTORS
Bill Rebane and Herschell Gordon Lewis

STARS
Phil Morton (
Col. Steve Connors
), June Travis (
Ruth
), and Henry Hite (
Frank Douglas/the Monster
)

In the wake of a space mission gone wrong, an astronaut (Hite) transforms into a ten-foot-tall rampaging beast that menaces a freeway underpass and an apparently deserted countryside. Or does he?

Why It Sucks

Schlock movie producer Herschell Gordon Lewis bought an unfinished, failed movie and finished it with almost inconceivable incompetence. He stuck in a narrator who either explains the blindingly obvious or rambles incoherently; characters who vanish halfway through the film because the cast couldn't be reassembled; and an ending that is so astoundingly lame that it renders this already crappy movie the textbook definition of pointless.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Lifetime Achievement Award for Awful Writing goes to …
Whoever came up with the movie's ending, most likely Herschell Gordon Lewis. It either relegates everything that went before to the status of a hallucination or suggests that an exact duplicate of the astronaut was the rampaging monster. On the whole, the hallucination makes a bit more sense.

And the Rock and a Hard Place Award goes to …
Herschell Gordon Lewis for finding the worse possible solution to the problem of finishing a movie after the cast has moved on and there is no money to hire them back.

They Really Said It!

Narrator
: With the telegram, one cloud lifts and another descends.

Betcha Didn't Know

This was the directorial debut of Bill Rebane, a filmmaker who spent the majority of his career making movies in Wisconsin and Minnesota.

Herschell Gordon Lewis leaped safely from the film industry as it crashed onto financial rocks during the 1970s, going on to a successful career in advertising. He has in recent years returned to script writing and directing, with
Grim Fairy Tale
in 2010.

Trivia Quiz

When Lewis was able to get back one of the original actors in the film in order to finish it, the man had changed his physical appearance. Lewis dealt with this by:

A: Making the actor undergo plastic surgery to restore his original looks

B: Immediately firing the actor and hiring someone else to take his place

C: Having the actor play the brother of his initial character

D: Shooting the actor entirely from behind

Answer: C. Since Lewis was into saving money at all costs, it seemed the easiest way to go.

PRODUCER
Albert Z. White

WRITER
Charles Hank

DIRECTORS
Mark Polonia and John Polonia

STARS
Mark Polonia (
Tom
), Maria Russo (
May
), and Armond Sposto (
Adam
)

A young couple (Polonia and Russo) buys a fully furnished house for a ludicrously low price. Shortly after they move in, they discover why: monsters are tunneling into the town's basements and eating the occupants.

Why It Sucks

Watching this movie you can feel the earnestness of the people involved. Everyone really,
really
wanted to make a great movie. However …

The monster is so badly made that it's obvious that its claws are coat hangers, its body is a football, and its head is a papier-mâché blob with egg-carton eyes and magic-marker-drawn pupils. And then the Brothers Polonia treat the audience to long, loving scenes of their badly made and badly animated creature.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Directors Award goes to …
Mark Polonia and John Polonia for this, their third feature, which might have earned a high schooler a low C if it had been a class project.

And the Worst Special-Effects Award goes to …
Phil Ogden and Joel Torris for the supposed tunnel dug in the wall by the Night Crawler — it's a piece of cardboard with a badly painted “hole” on it.

They Really Said It!

The Night Crawler
: [Unintelligible]. (Given the level of dialogue in the rest of the film, it's a blessing.)

Betcha Didn't Know

This was the fifth film directed by Mark Polonia, so he had no excuse.