0215543001348293036 vaughn piper oshea m.j. (23 page)

WE FOUND a tiny little pizzeria for dinner that smelled like heaven after a day in the salt and sun. We got a veggie pizza for Dusty and me, a sausage and pepperoni for the two barbarians, and a big order of fried zucchini with ranch dressing. We decided to take them out to sit on the dunes and eat. I couldn’t help smiling at our little trail of four (plus Alice) leaving the pizza place. It felt so good. I still had to squeeze my eyes closed sometimes and remember it was real. I didn’t want to delve too deep into my psyche, how maybe my lack of real family growing up—or total lack since I’d come out—had caused me to go from man to man. I didn’t know why I’d been so impossible to pin down before. But I
did
know that whatever was going on with Erik, Alice, and Dusty was filling a hole where I’d not even been aware there was one.

I WAS laughing at something my goofy dork of a boyfriend was saying as we rounded the corner, when I was suddenly ambushed by a hug and a wet, tipsy kiss on the cheek.

“Rue!”

“Oh… hey, Nolan.” I didn’t know how to react to him. We’d never been serious.
I
hadn’t been anyway. I’d never actually asked if he was. Didn’t matter. It only took him a few months to stop calling me after I’d hinted I was done by never returning his last voice mail.

“Um, Nolan, you remember Dusty, and this is Paul….” I reached out and took Erik’s hand. “And this is my boyfriend, Erik, and this is

[152]

one small thing

Alice.” Nolan’s eyes grew wide for a moment, but he recovered. I’m pretty sure the word boyfriend threw him.

“Cute kid, hon,” he said to Erik. He leaned over to tickle Alice’s stomach and got a good look at her face and her midnight black hair.

Then he looked up at me, that wide-eyed, “you’ve gotta be kidding me” stare coming right back.

“She’s mine, Nol,” I confirmed.

“Yeah, I can see that. Wow.” I could see he was trying to decide what the hell was going on. “Rue, babe, we have
got
to do lunch when we get back to town. I’m personally convinced that there’s some alien invasion situation going on here. Boyfriends, babies? Where is the slutty little club boy Rue we know and love?” I flinched at that. Dusty giggled nervously. Erik’s hand tightened.

“You’re hilarious, Nolan.” Unfortunately, he was also right. “I’ll give you a call when we get back into town.” I pulled on Erik, trying to get away from the suddenly awkward situation, my past, things I didn’t really want to think about. I wanted to be on the beach, eating dinner and not thinking of the way things used to be.

The pizza was good, though not quite as good as it would’ve been without the weird aftertaste of the past on my tongue. I clung to Erik a little, perhaps to remind myself of how different things were in my life.

Family and stability, things I’d never thought to really even dream of, were suddenly imperative. Still a bit weirded out, I held Erik tightly all night and didn’t fall asleep for a long time. I was reassured by the sound of Alice breathing in her little makeshift crib and by the steady rise and fall of Erik’s chest under my cheek. His hand had slipped beneath my sleep shorts to pull me closer and cup my butt possessively.

That helped too. It was a gesture that would’ve annoyed the hell out of me with anyone else, but from him it was natural. It felt like the way it should be.

I WAS relieved (and surprised) in the morning when Erik went out before I was even awake, and came back with donuts and coffee for

[153]

Piper Vaughn & M.J. O’Shea

everyone. We spent the early part of the day wandering around town and checking out all the tiny seaside shops. At one point Dusty pointed and started skipping ahead excitedly, and we spent the next half hour in his “favorite shop in the world,” which was owned by a sweet furball of a man named Caleb and his gorgeous partner, Wendell. Together, they sold every kind of chocolate you’d ever want or need, and some you’d probably never even heard of. I had to admit the samples he kept plying us with were delicious, and I ended up buying a few bags of treats for later, even if I might regret them once we were home. Our afternoon was spent on the beach, which was thankfully a bit quieter than it had been on Saturday.

Erik and I were half-asleep, lolling on the sand with our fingers loosely entwined while Dusty and Paul built little hills of sand for a giggling Alice to roll over. The breeze was pleasant, and my daughter’s delighted squeals rang in the wind and made me smile. We were leaving for home in the morning. I didn’t want the weekend to end, but that feeling, that deep contentment that had settled on me—I didn’t think it would go away just because we’d packed up our bathing suits and headed back to everyday life. I traced a heart shape on Erik’s palm with my index finger. He reached across and trailed his other hand up the inside of my arm. It was so peaceful….

Until a wriggling, sweaty body was on top of me, making odd humping motions and cackling. “Hey, sexy beast. I didn’t know you were coming out here this weekend.”

Jeremiah. Shit.
One of the Tom Tom Club’s go-go dancers, and a notorious bottom boy I’d fucked a few times on the back deck of the club on one of my nights off. That seemed like a million years ago. It
was
a million years ago, experience-wise. He was one of my favorite club boys and a great tipper, but Erik, and even Dusty, weren’t part of that life. Jeremiah really didn’t fit into my happy little family picture. I needed him gone. Immediately.

“Uh, hey, Jeremiah. I’m kind of here with my family. I’ll see you at the club, okay?”

He gave me a confused look, which became even more confused when he saw the sudden death grip Erik had on my hand. I had to get

[154]

one small thing

rid of him before he said anything else. I knew Erik didn’t think I was a virgin, but the very real reality of my past wasn’t something we were ready for. He wasn’t like other guys, who’d assume I’d been around the block a few times like most people and just shrug it off. I could see it in his eyes, how it hurt him every time a guy smiled at me too familiarly. I hated that look. And it was back.

Fan-freaking-tastic.

All of a sudden my perfect weekend at the beach wasn’t so perfect any longer.

“ERIK, babe? What are you doing over here? I’ve been waiting for you so we could go to bed. It’s been nearly two hours.” He’d mumbled something about unpacking when we got home, but I was pretty sure something else was up. I used my key to get into his apartment. It was dark and he was sitting on his bed, still-packed duffel plopped sadly at his feet. I knew I hadn’t been imagining the discomfort of the silence on the way home. He was still upset. “Is this because of Jeremiah?”

“He just…
jumped
on top of you like he had every right in the world. Have you slept with him?”

I so wish I could say no. Not going to lie.
“Yes. Way before I met you.”

“And what about that Nolan guy from the first night. D-did you sleep with him too?”

“Yes,” I whispered. And for the first time in my life, I was actually ashamed of it. There were too many yeses in my past, and nowhere near enough nos.

“And what about Chad? Is he on your list?”

“Chad?” I was surprised.
Where did his name come from?

“Yeah. Chad.” Erik looked mutinous.

“Chad’s just a friend.”

“But you slept with him, didn’t you?”

[155]

Piper Vaughn & M.J. O’Shea

“Yes. But….”
It was nothing, Erik. Nothing.

“How about those guys that came up to us on the beach? How many of them?”

I squeezed my eyes shut.
More than one.
“Erik, none of those guys matter. None of them ever really mattered.”

“Are you going to be saying that about me in a couple of months to whoever comes next?”

“No.” I felt nauseated. “You matter.
So
, so much.”

“Yeah, but did you say that to the last guy who was fu-fucking you? H-how ’bout the one before that? How many of those men have b-been inside of you, Rue? How many? I have to know.” I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. And I’d never even heard him use that word before. Just the thought of it made me retch. I wiped angrily at my eyes. I wasn’t going to cry, dammit.

“None of them have, okay?
None
. Only you.” He’d gotten up and started pacing around the bedroom, but at my words he paused to stare at me sharply. “What do you mean?”

“I have a past. I’m not going to lie. But I don’t let guys fuck me anymore, Erik. Not since I was a kid. Not until you, at least.”

“Why?” Erik whispered.

“Maybe because I like the control of being on top. I was
good
at it too.” Probably a little too good, in retrospect. Too good at making it about power and lust and not about being with that one person who got me…. I sighed. “Or it might just be because I’d have to love someone to let them be a part of me like that. I’m in love with you, Erik.” I put my hand on his chest. “I
love
you. And no matter what you think you saw this weekend, none of those men have ever heard that from me. No one has.”

Well, I’d done it. Told him how I felt, said “I love you” for the first time in my life to someone other than Dusty and actually meant it.

I was scared as hell. Erik was silent, and that didn’t help much. I didn’t know what I expected—roses, violins, professions of undying love and devotion. What I got was Erik, still and shocked and not even close to

[156]

one small thing

falling on his knees at my feet. What did I think he was going to do? He was Erik, after all. I cupped his cheek in my hand and gave him a small kiss.

“Come over if you want to.”

Please come. I have no idea what I’ll do if you don’t.

Erik

I STOOD frozen for a few minutes after Rue left, eyes straight ahead but not focused on anything in particular. I hadn’t liked seeing him with those other guys, thinking about what he might have done with them and how many had come before me. But I hated seeing him hurt even more, and the knowledge that I was the cause of that hurt flooded me with guilt.

I hadn’t even meant to say those things to him, but they came spewing out, fed by the gnawing, burning ache deep in my lower belly.

Such a strange thing, jealousy. And I knew that’s what I was feeling.

For me it was a foreign emotion, but I’d heard and read about it enough to recognize it. Didn’t mean it hadn’t taken me a while to see it for what it was. But the idea of other hands on him, of other people seeing Rue the way I had, knowing what he looked like naked and flushed with pleasure… well, that made me feel all sorts of things I wasn’t exactly sure how to deal with. Angry, possessive, resentful. I didn’t know if I could stop myself from picturing Rue with those other guys, no matter how much I didn’t want to, and wondering how I compared. I wished I could go into his head and strip those memories away.

But I didn’t want my feelings to get in the way of us. I glanced around the room—a sparkly rainbow headband sat on my dresser, just under my nightstand I could see half of a purple flip-flop, and on the surface of the nightstand itself was an emery board and a bottle of dark blue nail polish—all things that had found their way into my apartment from Rue’s since the day we’d finally put a label on the feelings that

[157]

Piper Vaughn & M.J. O’Shea

had sprung up between us. We were in a relationship. A real one. My first
and
his. I had to remember that. Rue told me this was new to him too. Whatever he had with those other guys, it wasn’t what
we
had. Not even close.

It was easy to forget sometimes, but we were both cautiously feeling our way around in unfamiliar territory. Figuring out how to deal with the jealousy and everything that came along with it was going to be a learning process for me. Despite that, I didn’t have to look too hard to see what we had was solid and real. My heart protested if I pictured my room without the little bits and pieces of Rue that were scattered about. And if I imagined spending the night in my cold, lonely bed without him there, my body literally
ached
. I belonged with him, and he belonged with me. It was stupid for me to be standing there when Rue had just told me he loved me, especially when I already knew I felt the same way.

I COULD hear the sound of muffled crying as I walked down the hall toward Rue’s bedroom. I stopped in the nursery long enough to check on Alice, who was curled on her side in her crib, snuffling softly as she slept, before testing the knob on Rue’s door. I was almost afraid he might have locked it to keep me out, but it twisted easily in my hand.

As the door swung inward, I spotted Rue sitting on the edge of his bed. He looked up, then quickly away again before I caught more than a glimpse of his face. But that was long enough for me to see what I’d done to him.

His eyes were swollen, his face red and splotchy. He looked young. Vulnerable. Nothing at all like the flirtatious, confident Rue I normally saw. I’d never seen him so upset, and it just about killed me to know it was my fault.

I crossed the room to kneel in front of him and set the printout I’d brought along with me on the floor next to the bed. “Rue….” I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him into me, resting my head

[158]

one small thing

against his trembling chest. “I’m sorry. I’m so s-sorry. D-don’t cry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

At my words, he sucked in a shaky breath. I felt a drop of moisture hit my cheek and tightened my hold around him. “Please. I don’t care about your p-past. I was just j-jealous. Thinking about you w-with those other guys m-made me crazy.”