Young Revelations (Young Series) (9 page)

Every person in my life tried to warn me against you by telling me any relationship between the two of us would only end in my heartbreak. Clearly, I ignored them. I can’t explain how nervous I was the first time you visited my family. I was afraid the place wouldn’t be up to your standards or that you’d spent so much time building up an image of me in your mind that when you arrived, you’d be disappointed that I didn’t measure up to that image. And that’s not even considering my brother and father didn’t trust you or your intentions. I will say, though, in case you weren’t aware before now, that you won my father over that first night during dinner. He never told me what you’d done to earn his approval, only that every time you and I looked at each other it reminded him of him and my mother when they first got together.

After that visit, I had no chance of getting you out of my head. Before then, I never really considered what it would be like to be with a man. I’d thought about it, of course, but it wasn’t something I obsessed about like so many of the girls I went to school with. Meeting you changed that as well. When you flew me out here for those two weeks, I don’t think I’d ever been so nervous about anything in my life. What were you expecting? What did I want? What would happen if I did it wrong or was unable to please you? How would I feel if the first time I took my clothes off in front of you, you didn’t like what you saw? The questions were endless. At least until I stepped off the plane and saw you waiting for me. From then on, my concerns weren’t relevant. I just wanted you in every way. When you took me home and didn’t automatically assume we were going to have sex, I trusted you completely. And I think I fell a little bit in love with you. You told me that first night that you didn’t have any expectations of what would happen, but that if it did happen, you would make it special for me. I don’t remember whether I ever told you, so if not, I’ll do it now: I couldn’t have asked for anything better than that night. You set me at ease and you were so gentle and sweet that there were times I wanted to cry. I’d never felt anything that compares to how I felt when we first made love. At that moment, I knew I would never get enough of you.

Leaving you after those two weeks was devastating for me. I felt like I’d been living in a fairytale and I was afraid the spell would be broken between us the moment I left. Well, we both know how long we were able to stay away from each other.

I can’t pinpoint the moment I fell completely and irrevocably in love with you, but it was sudden and fast and right. The three years we were together were beyond amazing and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. Okay, that’s not quite true. The only thing I would change would be my decision to leave you. I wanted to take it back the moment I said it, but the look on your face terrified me; I’d never seen you so hurt or upset and if I had taken it back, then changed my mind again, I’m not sure either of us would have been strong enough to survive that.

We haven’t really discussed the past five years much since I’ve been back. The reason I went to Tom rather than my family was because I knew Tom wouldn’t ask questions I wasn’t yet prepared to answer. I showed up at his house during a downpour with Tyler’s diaper bag and Tyler in my jacket to keep him warm and dry. Tom took one look at us and immediately let us in. It was days before he could get answers out of me about why I was there. All I could tell him was that you and I broke up; from there, he surmised that you must have kicked us out. I know should have corrected him, but whenever I tried, I just couldn’t do it. For the first six months, I was pretty useless. I could function enough to take care of Tyler and myself on occasion, but anything else wasn’t an option. When I got the divorce paperwork and the letter that accompanied it, I was beyond devastated. Only then did I realize exactly what I’d done by leaving you and I hated myself for it for the longest time. Even now I don’t think I’ve completely forgiven myself for leaving.

Eventually all my pretending that everything was okay paid off and I was able to function more normally. I took a job at a small law firm as an office manager. Tom and I were getting closer with each passing day. Tyler was growing beautifully and every time I looked at him, I only saw you. I considered that my punishment for breaking your heart. I’ll spare you the details of my relationship with Tom; all you really need to know about it is that he took care of us, nursed me back to myself, and loved Tyler as though he was his own son. At some point, I realized I’d started going longer and longer without thinking of you. That alone made me feel horribly guilty, but I knew if I wanted to live a normal life, I had to do that.

Though I know there is no chance that you’ll ever get over your animosity towards him, Tom was there for me when I needed someone, Matt. And I love him for that. But he was never you. He could never compare to or replace you in my life.

And then one day I turned around and realized somebody was following me. At first, I chalked it up to paranoia. That lasted about a day when I realized the car following me was the same one wherever I went. I didn’t want to face it. I knew what that car meant and I wanted to believe I was just being paranoid. The day you showed up at Tom’s house, I’d been going through a box of mementos I saved in a shoebox and opened when I started missing you. As soon as the doorbell rang, I knew you were there and I’d never felt a mixture of relief, joy, and fear so acute in my life.

I knew that day you’d changed since I last saw you. Where before you were laid back and carefree, now you were anything but, and I immediately saw the sadness lurking in your eyes, particularly when you found the pictures of Tyler. I hated myself even more, knowing I was at least partly responsible for those changes. It didn’t matter, though; you were back, and I knew whatever was happening, you would keep us safe.

In the time we were separated, I never stopped loving you. I don’t think I ever could. When you sent us to Claire’s after the incident with Tom, I felt my heart breaking again. After everything that had transpired between us before that, I once again felt as though I deserved you being disgusted with me and my lies. The night before you left for Italy was the best I’d had in years and for the first time in far too long, I felt hopeful for our future together. I felt as though everything was finally falling right back into place after so long of being out of place.

And the day of the plane crash…

Matthew, I have never felt more devastated in my life. Not even when my parents died. I felt cheated and broken and lost. We had just started figuring things out and you were gone again. I never felt more alone than I was when I thought you were gone forever. I had plans for Tyler and me to start our lives anew. I considered going to California or Florida or somewhere else where nobody knew me. When Claire found me after I’d taken off the night before the memorial, when I’d overheard her and your sisters talking in the kitchen about what a money hungry bitch I am, she told me they’d read your will after the memorial and that you’d left everything to Tyler and me. I didn’t want any of it at first. It would only hurt worse being surrounded by memories of you, right?

Something was different, though. Where after I left you, I could barely function, your death didn’t have the same effect on me. Maybe it was because death is so final whereas before I knew where you were and you were going about your life, even if I couldn’t do anything about it. Those couple months before you came back were at once easy and difficult. But I knew you wouldn’t want me moping around feeling sorry for myself for the rest of my life, so I made the most of my time.

I’m not even going to go into the kidnapping. Though I will say when I was standing on the deck of that boat with that man’s arm around my neck and his gun pointed to my temple, and looked out towards the shore to find you standing there… So many thoughts went through my head in that moment. I wondered if I was hallucinating or if I had died and found you wherever we go when our lives end. I was so happy to see you there, no matter if it was a hallucination; having you there made me feel safe and like everything was going to be okay.

When I woke up in the hospital and saw you standing at my window, I didn’t know what to think. I thought I was dreaming. Until you kissed me. That was when I knew you were real and that you were truly still with me. When I found out about the baby, I had no idea how you were going to react. We’d only been together once in five years and we hadn’t even discussed our future together. Then you disappeared again and I believed that was your way of telling me you wanted nothing to do with me or our child. There was never any doubt in my mind that this baby is yours; aside from all the precautions Tom and I took to prevent a pregnancy, I just knew. Mother’s intuition, desperate hope, or something else entirely. I don’t know, but I suppose it doesn’t matter.

The day I left the hospital was supposed to be a new beginning for us. And it was, for the most part. I don’t know why the dynamic in our relationship has changed so drastically or why we’re constantly at odds at the most ridiculous things. I’m sure a therapist would tell us we’d just changed as people during our time apart. Or that we each harbored our own insecurities that just build up our stubbornness.

Before I go on, please know that I love you more than anything else in my life. When you came back from the plane crash, I’d resolved to tell you that every single day because my biggest regret before you left was not repeating the words to you.

You hurt me, Matt. Deeply. You may not get why I’m so angry about Natalie being at our party, but I assure you I feel as though I’m under-reacting to the situation. The fact that you lied about who she was, didn’t consult me about inviting her, and then you letting her touch like you did was beyond humiliating for me. I felt betrayed and like you were flaunting an old relationship in my face. You’ve never given me reason to not trust you around other women. At least not until the party. I’m not saying I believe you would cheat on me, but the fact that you let that happen right in front of me didn’t exactly set me at ease. I’m not dumb enough to believe you weren’t with other women, aside from Natalie, while we were apart. And as much as that very thought makes me jealous enough to throw something, I can’t fault you for that. What I can and do fault you for, however, is acting as though you’re still single and your fiancée isn’t watching your ex-girlfriend hit on you. I know it’s crossed your mind that you heard Tom and I doing much more than that, but you and I were still broken up at that point.

Without it seeming as though I’m accusing you of anything I need you to be honest with me and tell me if you still have feelings for her, because it’s clear that she still cares deeply for you. I’m not forgetting what you told me last night about your relationship with her, but that doesn’t stop me wondering.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things Natalie is the last thing I should be concerned with. I think what hurts most is knowing you’d kept something from me when there should be no secrets between us. It feels like you don’t trust me enough to open up to me and share everything on your mind. We should be equal partners in this relationship, but you keep doing things that make me wonder whether this is what you want after all. When I left five years ago, I waited for so long for you to come after me to change my mind. And when you didn’t, I was left feeling you were perfectly okay with losing your family. You just let us walk away without a fight. That alone nearly killed me.

We need communication and trust or we’re not going to make it. You know that as well as I. I’ll be the first to admit I’m incredibly insecure and filled with self-doubt. What I need most right now is for you to help me through that, not give me more reason to feel that way.

After you finally fell asleep tonight, I slipped out of bed and went to sit out on the boat dock to go over my options. For most women, I think this latest incident would be enough to make them leave. I won’t lie; it crossed my mind. More than once. You can thank Claire for talking me out of that. I don’t know how to fix this, Matt. I truly don’t. Knowing you’re leaving in a few hours for an unknown amount of time is terrifying for me. The last time I watched you walk away from me to catch a plane, you very nearly never came back. I don’t even want to consider what would have happened had you actually been on that plane when it crashed. I’m scared that whoever caused the malfunction last time might succeed in causing your death this time. I’m scared that you’ll be indicted and thrown into prison, even though I know you’ve done nothing wrong. I’m scared of being a mother to two children when their father will never come back to us.

Most of all, I’m scared of losing you again. I want us to be a family more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But we can’t be a family if we’re keeping secrets from one another. Matt, I need you to let me in for a change. Don’t treat me like I’m breakable, because I assure you, I’m not. We’ve been through way too much to end like this. We’ve both suffered. We’ve both hurt each other. We’re far too stubborn to give in, but somebody has to. If you won’t do it, then I will.

I will not stick around if you keep hurting me. It feels like I’ve spent the majority of the last couple months in tears and that’s not fair for me.

Having said that, as of right this minute, I’m not going anywhere. You are my life and I will do what it takes to ensure we survive this. When you come home, I’m going to marry you. I can’t think of a single thing in this world I want more, aside from meeting our daughter for the first time.

Consider it begging if you will, but please don’t hide from me anymore. No more secrets, Matt. We need full disclosure with one another. There was a time that you were my best friend and my confidant and everything I could have possibly needed. For the most part, you still are all those things, but it’s not the same. I want that back.