Writing Our Song (13 page)

I raised an eyebrow for a moment but did as he asked.  With my vision cut off, I was forced to concentrate more on the other senses.  The waves still crashed on the rocks far below us, the wind still swished through the long grass, and I was more a part of it than I had been before.

So was Jeremy, I could hear him taking a couple deep breaths, and I wondered what else he could possibly be pulling out of that picnic basket.  With all the food he had prepared it was already a basket that Mary Poppins herself would have been proud of.

I was about to ask him what the delay was when I felt his lips against mine.  An icy bucket full of surprise hit me and my eyes almost fluttered open but right after that I could feel his warmth spreading over me, calming me, and then lifting me up out of the cold with him.  I didn’t know what to do for a second but when he began to pull away my own hand shot out and rested against the back of his head, keeping him close.

My eyes opened and Jeremy was right there, our noses touching lightly and his breath puffing out against my lips.  I swallowed and closed my eyes again, kissing him back with everything I had.  My other hand left the ground and, with nothing propping me up, I began to fall backwards, pulling Jeremy with me.

Jeremy moved over me like a protective blanket, straddling one of my legs and resting his weight on his forearms, which were planted either side of my head so he could run his fingers through my hair.  His touch was everything I hoped it would be, strong and confident, and his every move was focused on me.

I hadn’t been kissed since before I stopped working at Eddie’s Diner and a boy I used to go to school with had stumbled across me there and asked me out.  That had led to an awkward and brief fling that I didn’t remember overly fondly.  He hadn’t kissed anything like this.

This was the kind of kiss that took my breath away, as urgent as any kiss I’d ever had but without the sensation of it being rushed.  Every movement of his lips against mine felt purposeful, and I was sure he was savoring every moment just as much as I was.

Jeremy pulled back and our lips parted with a wet sound, leaving me panting hard and making my chest brush against him with every deep breath I took.  I opened my eyes when his fingertips brushed my cheeks to see him looking down at me tenderly.

“There you are,” he said.

Just then I heard the sound of laughter from along the path.  Craning my neck I saw a family consisting of a man, woman and two children making their way towards us.  They didn’t seem to have spotted us yet.

“Get off!  Get off!” I urged.

Jeremy scrambled backwards and we were entirely respectable by the time the four of them walked past us.  The adults waved and gave us a friendly hello, which we returned.  The kids were quiet and stayed much closer to their parents until they were a good distance away again.

I was lost in my own thoughts, thinking about the kiss and helping Jeremy pack up the remaining picnic items in a near-delirious state, giving him the shortest answers possible.  That kiss… wow, that kiss.

My heart was still racing from the excitement of it but now that the moment had passed, I felt the cold finger of doubt worming its way into my thoughts.  When I had agreed to come out to New Zealand, there had been precisely zero chance of anything amorous happening, I never thought I’d be in this position.

Jeremy talked about ‘playing the game’, how he read people and acted in particular ways to make them feel or do whatever it was he needed them to do.  He used this in his business negotiations… but had he just, for want of a better word, ‘played’ me?

Honestly, who flies a complete stranger around the world for nothing?  Had he always expected to be able to work his charms on me?  I alternated between feeling like a fool and a desperate desire for all those worries to be unfounded.

I debated with myself all the way back to the house he had rented and then, despite the fact that I’d basically walked around all day already, said I wanted to go for a walk.  Alone.

When I returned I didn’t really feel any closer to a resolution.  Jeremy’s efforts at conversation dwindled over the course of an awkward dinner and had almost completely stopped by the time we finished eating.

I excused myself for an early night, saying I wanted to get plenty of sleep before we left early in the morning to head to a place called Wanaka.  Sleep was hard to come by though.

Well before I fell asleep I heard Jeremy walking past my bedroom.  The footsteps paused on the other side and I looked towards the door half-expectantly but he soon carried on walking again and I eventually fell into a shallow sleep that was disturbed by the smallest of sounds, which any normal person would usually sleep through.

A car arrived for us early the next morning and we were on the road soon after breakfast.  Jeremy had tentatively tried sparking up conversation again but seemed to have given up for the moment by the time we were about half an hour into our journey, staring out the window thoughtfully.

I was still in turmoil, torn between thinking about how it had felt to have him kissing me, touching me, looking at me like
that
, and guilt over all the broken promises those feelings were inextricable from.  Why couldn’t he just be an inconsiderate, arrogant, entitled asshole like I thought he would be?  That would have been so much simpler.

Some kind of weight seemed to be pressing on my chest the more I thought about the way Jeremy had looked at me, the way he had communicated how much he
wanted
me with everything he had done while we kissed.  It was almost too painful to bear, the concept that I would never be looked at like that again, never be touched like that again, by him.

I looked towards Jeremy and my eyes dipped down to where his hand was lying on the seat between us.  Yesterday at the picnic I had looked at that very same hand and only barely managed to stop myself from reaching out and holding it.

This time I couldn’t stop.  To hell with the past, the future, and the whole world.  I needed this, I needed him.  After more than four years alone I needed to believe this was real, to have faith in Jeremy, or I would go crazy right there and then.

I reached out and slipped my fingers into the palm of his hand, giving it a squeeze.  Jeremy turned his head towards me and his eyes flickered down before locking with mine, one eyebrow raised.  I blushed and struggled to get my words out around a lump in my throat.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I don’t mean to be a…”

Selfish bitch

My mom’s words hissed out at me from the distant past and I felt that blush fade to pale as the color drained from my face and the lump in my throat grew bigger.

“I don’t mean to be like this,” I continued in a croaky voice, “It’s just... so confusing.  I haven’t felt anything like that kiss in… uh… ever.  I didn’t know feelings like that were even out there anymore.  Can you keep being a little patient with me?”

Jeremy smiled and gave my hand a squeeze back.  The surge of relief I felt almost brought me to tears but seemed to dissolve the lump in my throat at the same time.  I turned away to deal with my rebellious tear ducts and looked out the window, leaving my hand in his as I watched the countryside go by.

Chapter 13

After stopping in a place called Christchurch for an early lunch and a couple times along the road to stretch our legs, the journey from Kaikoura to Wanaka basically took the whole day.  Jeremy had rented another house just as big as the one we had left that morning, but the views were much better.

The town of Wanaka was situated beside a beautiful lake overlooked by mountains with just a hint of snow at the top.  The sun was low in the sky, just behind those mountains, when we arrived and the combined effect was like a landscape painter’s dream come true.  Beautiful calm lake, snowy mountains and a sunset all rolled into one, it really was fantastical.

I could have stared out of the window for hours if the rotation of the earth and my stomach had been agreeable, but the world had never stopped spinning before and the sun soon disappeared.  My stomach added its own grumbling impetus for dragging myself away.

Jeremy had booked a table at a local restaurant and we each went to our own rooms with attached en suites to get ready.  The shower was hot and powerful, pounding into my back with wonderful pressure like a massage, taking away the stiffness that came from sitting in the car all day after walking around all of the previous day.

The shower was almost as difficult to leave as the window had been but somehow I managed it, re-entering my room in a billow of steam with my towel wrapped around my body.  I’d flung my bag on the bed when I had chosen my room and I opened it now with severe doubts about what I should wear.

Like I had told Jeremy back in L.A, I was a woman of few possessions and I hadn’t been expecting to go out for so many lunches and dinners.  Everything I had brought had already been worn out more than once and as I rummaged through my clothes I was finding it difficult to raise much enthusiasm for any of it, especially given the events of the picnic yesterday and the car ride today.

Then, after brushing aside a t-shirt, I spotted it peeking out from the very bottom of my bag and pulled it out carefully to place it on top of the covers.  I took a deep breath.

It was the box containing the black dress Jeremy had bought for me back in Auckland.  Although I had asked him to take it back when we had that dinner in the sky tower, the evening had turned out so unexpectedly wonderful that my mind had been elsewhere.  I hadn’t reminded Jeremy to return it and he hadn’t brought it up again either.  I had packed it away when we left the Hilton and basically forgot about it.

Now though, I took it out of the box for only the second time and was once more swept up by how exquisite it was but again I couldn’t help but be struck by that image of my mom with all her new clothes.  I clenched my jaw and banished the thought from my mind.

I would wear it because Jeremy had given it to me, had thought that I would like it.  He might not realize why it was difficult for me, or understand it even if he did, but after everything else he had given me I wanted to look good for him.

It couldn’t have fit more perfectly if I had been measured and had the dress custom-made, hugging my body in all the right places yet not too tight anywhere.  The smooth material brushed against my skin like light fingertips whenever I moved, particularly noticeable against my breasts where it was impractical to wear a bra due to the lack of a back on the dress.

I took a deep breath before opening my door and making my way down the staircase, which overlooked the living room.  Jeremy was facing the other direction and looking at his phone when he heard me coming down and turned to look.  I struggled to suppress a blush and a smile when his jaw dropped open for a moment.

“Does it suit me?” I asked when I stood in front of him.

“Wow.  Just wow.  You look beautiful, Bea.”

“Sorry I took so long to get ready.”

“I think it was worth the wait.  Shall we?”

We held hands as we walked down the street and around the corner in the direction of the restaurant.  A fat crescent moon was still high in the sky and the fading light of the sun was still visible above the mountains, dimly reflected in the lake.  I was thankful I was wearing more sensible shoes than I had been the day I met Jeremy or the walk might not have been quite so enjoyable.

The restaurant was nearly empty except for two other couples quietly eating their food, both much older than us and looking like they were closer to the end of their meals than the start.  The waitress said it was not quite the busy season yet, by the time December rolled around they’d be packed out every night.

By the time we had ordered and our food arrived, the other couples had paid and left, leaving Jeremy and I alone with the restaurant staff, who didn’t intrude much.  While enjoying a mouthful of my apricot chicken dish I picked up the dessert menu to consider it and noticed that the restaurant was due to close pretty much right away.

“Hmmm.  This says they’re supposed to be closing now… think they’ll rush us out?”

“I think I heard they received an anonymous phone call and agreed to stay open for as long as a small party of two might need.”

“Oh, that worked out well for us,” I said.

“Blessed, I guess,” said Jeremy.

Somebody turned the background music up and the lights down, leaving our strongest source of illumination the candle on our table.  The few staff that hadn’t already left began cleaning up everything they could without disturbing us, gradually getting closer and closer, pushing the other tables to the sides with the chairs stacked on top and clearing a space on the floor, presumably for ease of cleaning.

When the mains were finished our waitress collected our plates and asked us if we’d like any dessert.  I looked at Jeremy and shrugged, he did the same.

“Give us a few minutes to decide, would you?” he asked.

“Sure thing,” the girl smiled and carried our plates away.

“To be honest I think I’ll pass tonight,” I said.  “You go ahead if you want, I don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind either way, if you’re not then…”

Some slow song began playing over the restaurant sound system and Jeremy halted in the middle of his sentence and pushed his chair back.

“What are you…”

Jeremy stood up and stepped to the side of the table holding out his hand in my direction.

“Bea, would you dance with me?”

“Are you crazy?” I asked.

“C’mon, don’t leave me hanging,” he said.

I almost cringed but took his hand anyway and let him help me to my feet as I looked around to see if our waitress was watching us like we were a couple of freaks.  Nobody was paying us any attention at that moment though, either inside or through the front window of the restaurant, so I let myself relax a bit.

I placed one hand on Jeremy’s shoulder, the other in his hand.  When he put his hand on my hip I almost gasped, the material of my dress was so silky that it almost felt like he was touching my bare skin.  The surprise distracted me from the fact that I had no idea how to dance.

Jeremy led me slowly around the cleared space and I shuffled awkwardly, trying to keep an eye on my feet so as to not step on his and blushing at my gracelessness.  After a moment Jeremy whispered to me.

“Close your eyes, just follow my lead.”

I did, felt his foot under mine on the very next step, and winced but Jeremy told me not to worry and soon I was moving in time with him.  My sense of direction was completely lost, it was almost like the world was spinning under us and the only thing that was solid in the universe was Jeremy.

Now that the need for me to crane my neck downwards had been negated, the space between us gradually lessened until I felt my body press up against his and Jeremy’s hand moved from my hip to my lower back, pulling me towards him even tighter.  I could feel the heat of him right through the dress and when I rested my head against his chest I could hear his heart beating, steady and dependable enough to set your watch by.

Jeremy let go with his left hand and slid it across my shoulder to rest against my upper back and I kept my eyes closed, feeling the closeness of him, feeling surrounded by him, protected and safe.  The apocalypse might well have been happening out there in the wider world, but inside that hug I felt nothing but peace.

I hadn’t been held quite like this ever before, so tenderly yet with an unmistakable undercurrent of lust.  I’d had embraces in the past, in another lifetime, that meant all kinds of things.  Celebrations, commiserations, I-was-just-jokings, they’d provided so much I didn’t even realize until they were gone.

One minute they were there and then all of a sudden there were no more shoulders to cry on.  The shoulder that I should have been able to turn to was busy with other things, things that weren’t me, and that had maybe done the most damage of all.  That had hurt a lot.

“Are you going to hurt me too?” I whispered without even consciously willing it, so quietly that I didn’t think Jeremy would hear, but he did.

Jeremy stopped moving and I could feel him looking down at me.

“No.  Bea, look at me,” he said.

Jeremy let go with one hand and I felt his finger lightly pushing my chin until I opened my eyes and gazed up at him.  Jeremy’s brow furrowed and he shook his head gently.

“No,” he repeated.

I lost myself in his eyes for a second and then raised myself up on the tips of my toes to get closer to him.  Jeremy lowered his head and our lips met for the second time in as many days, a much slower kiss that soon had me as oblivious to the outside world as I had been while dancing just a few moments ago.

The song faded away and our lips parted as I heard the sound of a couple people clapping.  Our waitress was standing next to the young man who had been moving tables earlier and an older man, the owner perhaps.  They were all clapping politely, but only our waitress had a truly dreamy look in her eye.

When we had been interrupted the previous day I had been anxious to get some distance between the two of us as quickly as possible.  I didn’t feel that now, I didn’t want to be apart from him even a single inch.

*****

We both abstained from dessert in the end, and walked back to the house in near silence.  I tried to distract myself with the view of the moon over the lake but couldn’t stop myself from trembling in a mixture of excitement, anticipation and, if the truth be told, fear too.

I stole a glance at the handsome man holding my hand as we walked towards the place where I intended to end my partially-self-imposed celibacy and trust him with bigger part of myself than I had with anybody else in a very long time.  It was difficult to tell if I was leading him there, or if he was leading me.

Countless butterflies waged some kind of war in my stomach as thoughts and doubts about what it would be like filled my mind.  Would he be disappointed with me?  With my body?  Too rough?  I gulped.  What if it felt so good I couldn’t get enough of him?  That notion was almost as scary.

When we entered the house and kicked our shoes off, I led Jeremy by the hand straight up the stairs and paused by the entrance to my bedroom.  This was my last chance.  If I wanted to stop right here, I could.  I could just say goodnight and go to my room alone.  If not, then I was lost to the most basic and animalistic needs of my body.

I turned and looked up into his eyes, seeing the barely restrained lust I felt reflected in their depths too.  My right hand reached up and felt his chest through his shirt, running downwards until I could feel his clearly defined abs through the light material.

Each muscular bump of his body under my palm was like another nail in the coffin for my resistance and when Jeremy moved against me, pressing my back against the wall next to my bedroom door, I felt another hard bulge against my stomach that sent my hunger for him into overdrive.

Jeremy’s hand buried itself into my hair, gripping lightly but firmly, and pulled me into another kiss, the tip of his tongue reaching out to lightly brush against my own before we parted again and he rested his forehead against mine.  Our eyes were only inches apart.  If they truly are the window to the soul then it felt like Jeremy had front row seats to mine, like he could see everything and wasn’t running away.

“Come to my room, Bea,” he said.

It wasn’t a question, wasn’t a command, it was a simple statement of what he wanted most at that very moment.  It could be denied safely or accepted with joy, Jeremy was clearly still conscious of how fragile I was, what a fine line I was walking between fear and desire.  Desire won this fight, hands down.

“Yes.”

The pressure of his body against mine receded, along with that hardness that had been pressing into my mid-section, and now it was Jeremy that was leading me the final few steps to his room, pulling me in by the hand and closing the door behind us.

There was nobody out there to close the door on, but the click when it shut was almost like a symbol of the significance of what was about to happen.  ‘Out there is them, in here is us.  Everything that happens in here is just for us.  Special and exclusive, shared with nobody else.’

In unison we moved towards the bed until I felt it against the back of my knees while Jeremy stood directly in front of me.  I reached up and began undoing the buttons to his shirt, eager to reveal to my eyes what I had just felt with my hands.