Wounded by God's People (10 page)

She went on her way and wandered in the desert of Beersheba
.

Genesis 21:14

A
wilderness is defined as an uncultivated, uninhabited, inhospitable region. At least that's the definition I was given when I googled it. I would also describe a wilderness as dry, barren, lonely, and rocky. And it was in a spiritual wilderness that I found myself several years ago. Because it was a time in my life that was dry … seemingly devoid of the rain of God's blessing; barren … seemingly devoid of evidence of real fruit in my life; lonely … devoid of any conscious awareness of God's presence; and it was rocky … littered with problems and obstacles and hard things. If I could have pinpointed one particular trigger that launched me into my wilderness experience, it would have been my mother's departure for heaven. Not only did my grief leave me with a feeling of emptiness and deep sadness, but there were many circumstances around the time of her death that seemed to drive me into a spiritually dry, barren, lonely, rocky place. Life just seemed to close in on me.

One morning, I was especially conscious of the oppression and darkness that seemed to be crushing my spirit to the point that I found breathing difficult. I slipped into the place where I meet the Lord early in the morning, intending to open my Bible to the verses on which I had been meditating the day before. But as divine providence would have it, I made a “mistake.” Instead of opening to the intended passage, I opened to a chapter that was several pages past where I had been. But before I could correct my mistake, my eye fell on this verse: “The people remained at a distance, while Moses
approached the thick darkness where God was.”
¹
The verse seemed to be illuminated. It leaped up off the page as I heard God whispering to me through the words,
Anne, most people shy away from the wilderness. They don't like the darkness of oppression, loneliness, dryness, barrenness. They don't like to be in a hard place. If they think I'm going to lead them there, they resist, back off, and want no part of following Me. But, Anne, Moses approached the thick darkness. Because that's where I was. And that's where I still am, Anne. Embrace the darkness
.

Before I could answer Him, before I could even pray, almost before I could even think, I found myself turning several pages back to where I was “supposed” to have been reading. The first verse of that reading was, “While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the L
ORD
appearing in the cloud.”
²
The desert is another name for the wilderness! That dry, barren, rocky, lonely place where I seemed to be. And I knew God was telling me,
Anne, I am here. Look closely. You will see My glory in the dark cloud
.

I was not consciously aware of seeing His glory at that moment. All I knew was that God had spoken to me and told me He was there. And so I bowed my head, with tears slipping down my face, and whispered to Him in response,
If You are truly in the darkness, then I embrace it. I want to be where You are
.

God is in the darkness and God is in the wilderness. I now know that by personal experience. But although Hagar had known God's presence in her wilderness years earlier, she had forgotten. She did not know that now. So when she suddenly found herself thrust not only into a dry, barren, lonely, rocky physical place, she also found herself in a spiritual wilderness — alone for the first time in thirty years and burdened with the responsibility of providing for the
physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and practical needs of a difficult teenage boy. Hagar desperately needed help. She knew she couldn't go back, but she had no idea how to go forward. And so she wandered … through the desert of Beersheba
³
and the wastelands of her own spiritual and emotional devastation.

You don't necessarily have to be a single mother, thrust there by an untimely death or a nasty divorce, to find yourself in Hagar's situation. Like me, maybe life has just crashed in on you. Wounds and rejection can pile up. Perhaps you feel you have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to help you. If you and I are not careful, that aloneness can cause us to wander in our spirits also. We want to get away from the darkness, to get out of the wilderness, but in our frantic effort we stumble from remorse to resentment, from self-pity to self-flagellation, from self-deception to depression, from brokenness to bitterness, from faith to agnosticism, from frustration to anger, from hurt to hardness, from hardness to helplessness. May I ask you something I have asked myself? Deep down in the hidden chambers of your soul, are you offended by God? Angry with Him even? Are you wandering
from
God? You thought you knew Him, but now He seems remote at best. The solemn conclusion I've come to is that if He is everywhere, that means He is also in the wilderness. And if I can't turn to Him there, who can I turn to?

As Hagar stumbled through the vast wilderness, her clothing catching on thorns, her feet stumbling over the rocks, her throat choking on the dust, she lost sight of everything but her own despair. Her self-preoccupation, though understandable, blinded her to God's presence and to God's provision. But God was not blind to Hagar. He was still there with her and watching her every step. While His gaze never left her, His heart must have ached over her helpless, hopeless
condition.
Hagar, remember Me? I am still the One who sees you.
⁴
You're not alone. I'm right here
. But Hagar was so wrapped up in her wounds that she did not look up; she did not call on God; she did not pray. With her gaze cast down, all she could do was cry.

As the desert wind blew swirling dust in her face and the sky turned brazen from the heat, her mind must have snapped into panic mode, triggered by a feeling of total helplessness. She didn't know where she could go or where she could live or how she could support herself and her son. Up until the moment she had walked away from Abraham's household, Hagar had led a somewhat sheltered existence. She hadn't needed to give a thought to providing the food on her table or the clothes on her back or the roof over her head. Abraham had generously supplied everything she had ever needed. Now she was suddenly on her own, responsible for finding basic necessities for herself and for her son. She must have felt totally helpless, because, humanly speaking, she
was
totally helpless.

Hagar's overall realization of her completely helpless condition was pushed to the breaking point, not only by her wandering in the wilderness, but by her very real, immediate physical needs. She was desperate for water for herself and for Ishmael: “When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes.”
⁵
Neither of them would survive much longer without water. There was almost no chance she would ever find it on her own. And it may be that it wasn't just her body that was dehydrated, but it was her spirit that was parched because she felt utterly separated from God.

I know what it's like to be spiritually parched and desperately dry. Thirsty for Him. Thirsty for the same One who has revealed Himself in the past to His children in the wilderness. As I have pondered the revelation that God's glory could be seen in the desert place … in
the wilderness … I have asked Him to show me. Thousands of years before, Moses had made a similar request, so I have reasoned, why couldn't I?

So one morning, I opened my Bible and turned to Exodus 33 and 34, the account of Moses' request for God to reveal His glory and God's answer.
⁶
I read that God had put Moses in the cleft of a rock, covered him with His hand, then removed His hand and allowed Moses to gaze, not on His face, but on the “backside” of His glory.

As I pondered this passage, I understood that God's glory is not just a golden, shining light or cloud. His glory is His character.
⁷
And then God began to “speak” to me … phrase by phrase …
Anne, I have put you in the cleft of a rock. I have intentionally put you in a hard place. You are stuck there. But I have covered you with My hand, and you have felt the nearness of My presence. Then I removed My hand so that you have felt abandoned by Me. But Anne, look back. Look back! My glory can be seen if you will look back
.

So I opened the eyes of my heart and mind. I looked back on my life and some of my more recent experiences.
That's when I saw His glory …

• When I was asked to give my testimony to an arena gathering of twenty thousand people ten days after my mother went to heaven, God kept my knees from buckling, my voice from quavering, my tears from falling … then gave me His words to offer the hope of heaven to those who were there. As I look back, I can see His comfort that He had given me was enough to share so that I could comfort others.
  ⁸
  
• When I had radical personnel changes in my ministry that could have caused major damage to my small team, He rallied the core staff around me, then brought in other outstanding
  personnel so that today we are stronger and better than we were before we faced the changes. As I look back, I can see His wisdom that perfected our operations.
  ⁹
  
• When I underwent major abdominal surgery, He surrounded me with love, provided for my every need, and blessed me with the 24/7 attentiveness of my two daughters. Then He gave me His strength four weeks later to climb up on a platform surrounded by eight thousand women and deliver three messages, lead one workshop, and oversee the simulcast for our
  Just Give Me Jesus
  revival in Augusta, Georgia. As I look back, I can see His strength that was more than sufficient in my weakness.
  ¹⁰
  
• When my husband, Danny, was rushed to the hospital where he remained for three weeks with a MRSA infection, it was at a time when my schedule “happened” to be clear so that I only had to cancel one commitment to be with him. And God answered prayer by miraculously bringing Danny back from the brink of death with a spiritually revived heart! As I look back, I can see that not only is He Jehovah-Rophe, the One Who Heals us, but He also is the Good Shepherd who goes before us, leads us, and cares for us as we follow Him.
  ¹¹
  

I actually could go on for pages, sharing example after example, glimpse on top of glimpse of His glory that He has given me in the darkness. The interesting thing I have learned is that I can't seem to see His glory at the moment of my distress. As He told Moses, I have not been allowed to see His “face” … the front side. I can't seem to see in advance how He is going to provide, undergird, equip, sustain, strengthen, or bless me when life closes in around me. But when He
brings me through, I look back and I can see that He has been with me every moment, every step of the way.

So … if you find yourself stuck in the cleft of a rock, would you ask the God of Moses to show you His glory? Then look back …

And if you are wandering in the wilderness — that spiritually dry, barren, lonely, rocky place — would you remember that the God of Hagar is still there?

When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went off and sat down nearby, about a bowshot away, for she thought, “I cannot watch the boy die.” And as she sat there nearby, she began to sob
.

Genesis 21:15–16

G
od doesn't always reveal Himself to us as dramatically as we would like Him to. Nor does God always answer our cry immediately. But when we call on Him, He hears. And He will answer. I have experienced His faithfulness to stand by and answer when I call.

Four weeks following major surgery I led our
Just Give Me Jesus
revival, as I mentioned in the previous chapter. The week's schedule included team meetings, a press conference, individual media interviews, and a videotaping, as well as my own preparation. It was then capped off by the revival itself, which was held in the James Brown Arena Friday evening and all day Saturday. When I stepped up on the platform Friday night, although I should have been weak and exhausted after such an intense week, I don't think I've ever felt stronger or more confident that God was going to see me through to the end.

God poured out His blessing that Friday night as we witnessed hundreds coming to the cross in repentance of sin. And because He doesn't run out of blessings, He also poured them out in abundance all day Saturday, which was a ministry marathon. He gave me energy to give the opening devotional, the first message, the interactive Bible study workshop, and the final message.

About halfway through the last message, I felt led to share about my surgery with the audience. I knew that I had experienced a continuous and miraculous infusion of His strength and power throughout
the weekend in particular, and I wanted those present to be encouraged in their own journeys of faith by glimpsing His glory. So in just a sentence or two, I briefly shared what I had been through, asking them,
If He can help me, then why do you think He can't help you also?

Almost as soon as the words went out of my mouth, I began to feel weak and dizzy. I placed my hands on the cross-shaped podium to balance and steady myself, but as my tongue thickened and my words became slurred, I knew I was going to go down. Inside, my thoughts were somewhat frantic. I had just told the audience that the Spirit of God had given me strength and was available to do so for them. If I went down, it would communicate to them that I was a liar, and so was He. My collapse would say without words that He could not be depended on in an impossible, or even difficult, situation. I knew it would tarnish His glory that I so earnestly had wanted them to see. Only a few moments had passed, I'm sure, but it was enough time for me to become clammy and damp, and for my eyes to begin to lose their focus as the arena around me blurred. Silently, in my heart, I cried out! The prayer was very simple.
Jesus, help me!

At the moment I cried out, a cool breeze swept across the platform … and kept blowing. I regained my composure as my body felt refreshed by the moving air. I stopped slurring and my focus returned. My words began to come out clearly, and as I closed with a challenge to live for Jesus, then gave the benediction, my voice was actually dynamic and forceful.

The next day, I asked our production manager if he or any of the people behind the cameras had noticed me struggling and turned on a fan. He laughed when he said,
Anne, there is no fan in that older venue that we could have turned on even if we had wanted to
. And
I knew God had heard my cry and intervened to save me from a dramatic collapse.

God stands by. And not just on a public-arena platform, but He stands by in life. Every moment of every day in every situation. But you and I may need to cry out before He helps us. How disheartening it would be if one day we get to heaven and discover all the situations we may have been saved from, all the blessings we may have experienced, if we had only cried out to Him for help but didn't.

A family friend related to me that for years he had shared the gospel with his beloved doctor. Because of serious health issues that required my friend to make repeated office visits, he and the doctor had become close friends. The doctor, who was of another religion, rejected again and again the Good News that my friend presented to him. But one night a tremendous earthquake shook the entire area where they both lived.

Several days later, my friend was once again in the doctor's office. This time, the doctor had a warm smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes as he shared that he had finally repented of his sin and trusted Jesus as his Savior. My friend was thrilled! When he asked how the doctor had finally come to that decision after resisting it for so long, the doctor replied, “I was born again between the bed and the floor.” Then with a smile he explained that the earthquake had thrown him out of his bed and that before he hit the floor he had cried out to be saved from his sin. And God, who had been standing by, saved him.

The Bible portrays Abraham as a man who knew what it was to cry out to God. His prayer life was one of his strengths. He often talked with God not only on his own behalf, but also on behalf of others.
¹
When he built his altars for prayer, he did so in plain, public
view.
²
There is no doubt that Hagar had witnessed Abraham building those places of prayer, as well as overheard him talking to God. So it is especially curious why Hagar, after twenty-five years of living in Abraham's household, didn't follow his example and pray about her desperate situation.

Maybe Hagar was so overwhelmed by a combination of emotional and physical trauma —shock, fear, confusion, thirst, and exhaustion — that it never occurred to her to pray. Or perhaps it did occur to her, but maybe she thought of God as someone who was available at altars and for spiritual needs but not in the desert and for practical needs — like water and directions. Maybe she reasoned God didn't really care about her anyway, at least not as a distinct individual in her own right. Perhaps the only reason He really cared about her in the first place was because she was a member of Abraham's household. If so, she must have felt she had now forever lost God's blessing and forfeited His attention. Even if she once felt assured that He at least cared about her son, that hope may have evaporated when Isaac was born. Or maybe she was just giving God the silent treatment, angry because He had not only allowed this horrible event to happen but seemed to have directed it.

Whatever the reason, Hagar did not pray. In fact, it's hard to detect any evidence of faith in her actions: “When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went off and sat down nearby, about a bowshot away, for she thought, ‘I cannot watch the boy die.' “
³
Die?
Die?
I want to say,
Hagar, snap out of it. You're feeling sorry for yourself again. Aren't you forgetting something? Something very important. Didn't God tell you He would increase your descendants?
⁴
Doesn't that imply that Ishmael will have children? Ishmael is not even married yet. Where is your faith, Hagar? Take your
eyes off your circumstances and root your faith in God's character and in God's Word
. But Hagar didn't. Instead, she collapsed in despair.

Is that where you are, at the end of your rope? Have you thrown your wounded heart under a bush of bitterness or unforgiveness, self-pity or self-defense, regret or revenge, resentment or rationalization, fear or frustration? Don't let your anger harden your heart or cause you to blame God for what has happened. Don't let it prevent you from calling on God. Now.

I pray that the following story will encourage you to call out …

As a Muslim, Maria
⁵
considers herself to be one of Hagar's descendants. She found herself in a truly desperate situation, living with a husband who is a religious fanatic, and who beat her continually. Not only was she being abused, but her husband also abused their five-year-old son, beating him and burning him with cigarettes.

Maria prayed over and over to her god but received no answers. Finally, in sheer desperation, she cried out —
God, where are you? Who are you?
In her own words, this is what happened …

“I was weeping on the floor, crying out for help. All of a sudden, I saw a flash of bright light. It filled the room and was the most beautiful, calming, and assuring feeling I have ever had in my life. But then something even more remarkable happened — Jesus stood before me and spoke to me. His face was covered with shining sun, His hands reached out to me to invite me to His embrace, they were scarred from being pierced. He told me, ‘I am here. You are not forgotten. I died for you. This evil will pass — I will deliver you from it.' Then He was gone. I have never felt so secure and loved in my life.

“I next met a believer who showed me from the Bible how to receive Jesus as my Savior and become His disciple. I was more than
eager to commit my life to Him even though it might mean that I would be killed. It didn't matter — I never want to be away from my Jesus! I am a Jesus follower now.”

The same Angel of the Lord who was standing by thousands of years ago for Hagar was standing by for Hagar's “daughter.” And as thrilling as Maria's testimony is … and as true … it dramatically underscores the fact that the Angel of the Lord is standing by for you and me as well. God hears our cries of desperation, and He will answer. If only we had eyes to see into the invisible realm, we would see Him standing there in the light of His glory, with arms outstretched, eyes tear-filled, reassuring us of His presence and His love and His peace and His power to save.

In her misery, Hagar may have blamed everyone else for what had happened. Yet at this critical moment in her life, it really didn't matter anymore who was to blame for her hopeless and helpless circumstances. It didn't matter if it was Pharaoh's fault for giving her to Abraham and Sarah, or Abraham and Sarah's fault for taking her out of Egypt, or Sarah's fault for giving Hagar to Abraham, or Abraham's fault for sleeping with her, or her own fault for arrogantly despising Sarah, or Ishmael's fault for persecuting Isaac. There was enough blame to go around. The only thing that mattered now was that Hagar could not take any more of the desert, the heat, the thirst, the fear, the sound of Ishmael's cries. She could not take any more of the consequences. She had had it. But still, she did not look up.

I imagine Hagar in a posture of absolute grief and desperation — hunched over with her head between her knees and her hands wrapped over her head, sobbing, rocking back and forth on her heels. Meanwhile, Ishmael, barely shaded under one of the few scrub bushes that dotted the barren landscape, was literally dying of thirst. Perhaps he had been so pampered and spoiled in Abraham's home that he had never developed survival skills or learned to take the initiative. So he curled up in what I assume was a hopeless fetal position, echoing his mother's helplessness and hopelessness, and cried his eyes out. Because Hagar had lost her way, he seemed to be convinced that they were both going to die.

Yet looking on from heaven was One who was standing by. With infinite tenderness and compassion, His eyes never left Hagar and Ishmael. His ears were attentive, listening for the slightest cry for His help. How long would they persist in their misery? How far down would they have to go before they looked up? God seemed to be patiently waiting to hear their call.

The Old Testament story of Jonah provides another dramatic
Biblical example of God's intervention when He was called. It took place approximately one thousand years after Hagar. Jonah was a prophet commanded by God to deliver a message to Nineveh, the capital city of Israel's worst enemy, Assyria. Instead of obeying, Jonah bought passage on a boat headed for Tarshish, which was in the exact opposite direction from where God had told him to go.
Jonah ran from God
. But as we have already seen in Hagar's life, that's impossible. No one can outrun God.

Almost as soon as Jonah set out to sea, a great storm arose. When the ship he was traveling on was swamped, he admitted to the sailors that he was running from his God. To save themselves and their ship, they threw him overboard. Here is where the story gets really interesting. Jonah ended up in the belly of a great fish, which swallowed him as soon as he hit the water. I can't even imagine what that must have been like! To find himself in the slimy jaws of a great fish, sucked in by a huge whirlpool that carried him like a tiny leaf on churning sea foam, surrounded by smaller fish and debris, and then to feel the compression of the fish's stomach as the gastric juices began to digest him! Surely, he had hit rock bottom. There was no place lower on the entire planet than the belly of that fish. But it was from those very depths that he finally looked up and cried out for God's help: