Without a Mother's Love (34 page)

Jared let the matter drop. ‘When d’you think you can get a barge of coal down to us?’

‘End of the week, I reckon.’

Jared led his horse to the water trough. The Mextons were feckless. They needed a better steam engine and twice the number of miners. He remounted and rode back to the town, arriving at the Red Lion as the carrier came through. He recognized one of the passengers straight away.

‘Sarah?’

She looked up from checking her bag as it fell from the cart. She had hardly changed, he thought. Pretty and personable. Plainly dressed in a simple bonnet and cloak. ‘Jared Tyler! My, how handsome you’ve grown!’

‘You too. Teaching must suit you.’

‘It does.’

‘Where is your position?’

‘County Durham. And you, are you still at Kimber Deep?’

‘With my father at the forge.’ A thought occurred to him. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve come across a teacher by the name of Trent, have you?’

Sarah shook her head. ‘Can’t say I have.’ She frowned. ‘Although now you come to mention it, I believe I have heard . . . What’s her Christian name?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Trent . . . I’m sure I’ve heard it somewhere.’

‘Where? Try to remember,’ he said anxiously.

She looked at him steadily. ‘It may come to me later. I must go home now. My mother is ill.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. I hope she recovers.’

‘Thank you.Why don’t you join our Sunday meeting in the barn this week?’

Jared agreed. If Sarah remembered and he found the governess, he might find Olivia too.

Chapter 25

‘Who’s there?’ Harriet was used to being alone in Anna’s cottage outside the asylum now. But night had fallen and she was not expecting a visitor.

‘Open the door, Harriet. It is I. I am come home.’

‘Anna!’ Harriet leaped to her feet, drew back the bolts and turned the key. She grasped her arms and pulled her into the kitchen. ‘Praise be! Where is your box?’

‘It will be here tomorrow, with supplies for the mission. The post was delayed, and I did not wish to stay a night at the inn so I walked.’

‘You must be tired. Come, sit by the fire. I’ll fetch a log.’

The wood was damp and the flames hissed and spat. Harriet lifted the heavy blackened kettle and shook it. ‘There is a little warm water left. And I have honey.You won’t believe the gifts I have received from the asylum governor’s wife! But more of that later. Are you quite well?’

‘I said so in my letter, did I not?’

‘But that was weeks ago and - and you have stayed away for so long.’ Her voice dropped. ‘I always fear the worst.’

‘Dearest Harriet, it is not my health that has kept me away. There is much to tell you.’ Anna flopped into the fireside chair and undid the bow on her bonnet. ‘I should really like a drink of warm water and honey.’

Harriet stirred in a little elderflower cordial, too, and handed it to her. ‘You have not had any attacks while you have been away?’

Anna reached out to take the mug. ‘I have not.You need not worry. I had the weakness when I was young. The physician who attended me then said I would grow out of it and I did.’

Harriet would have preferred it if she had not been the one to cause Anna’s relapse. But she had recovered and not had another. ‘Drink,’ she urged.

Anne moulded her hands around the warm stoneware mug. ‘Delicious.’

‘Is - is Tobias well?’ Harriet asked tentatively.

‘Very. Never better.’

‘He will miss your help now you are here.’

‘Indeed he will not! That is what I have to tell you. He is married!’

Harriet felt as though her heart had stopped as she absorbed this news. The room was silent. She could not hear the crackling of the fire or the soft whistling of the wind through the shutters. The darkness of the room deepened so that she could no longer see her friend sitting opposite her. She was conscious only of a tiny glow, an ember at the edge of the fire. Her vision centred on it as she tried to focus her thoughts.

Tobias had married. He had found someone else to love. Someone other than her. If she had harboured thoughts of them ever becoming more than friends, those hopes were now extinguished. He had never said anything to her to encourage her affections. He had not needed to. He just had to be there. As he was. A gracious man, who cared more for others than he did himself, and she loved him. The silence continued. It was probably not for very long but it seemed like an age to Harriet. She could think of nothing to say.

‘Yes, I was rendered speechless at first, too,’ Anna added. ‘I had believed he would not marry, that his calling took all of his attention. But, you see, my dear, we must never make up our minds too quickly about our fellows.’

Why not? Harriet screamed silently. She had known from her first meeting with Tobias that she loved him. From the way he had hoisted his sister’s box onto the carrier’s cart and taken his leave of her - nay, of them both - with such tender affection. She’d thought his affection for her had grown.
She knew it had
. But not in the way she wished.

She was his second sister, that was all. Where Anna was the elder, she was the younger, and she had basked in that, never having experienced such regard before in her life. But she loved him as a woman loves a man who is her husband, not her brother, and she had continued to hope that that kind of love might be returned.

‘Harriet, my dear, you are upset.’

‘I - I . . . Well, no. That is, of course I am pleased for Tobias. It is such a surprise.There has been no betrothal, no celebration.’

‘No, my dear. Miss Smith is a private, shy person, and she was content to wed in the chapel, which has given us all a great deal of pleasure.’

The daughter of another mission leader, perhaps, whom he had encountered at a chapel meeting. ‘Has he known her for long?’ she asked.

Anna shook her head. ‘He is more than forty, my dear, and has met many suitable ladies in his time. He made his decision almost as soon as he met her. She - she is very beautiful.’

As though that explains everything, Harriet thought. Unconsciously she stroked her hair, tucking in a few loose strands, and looked down at her plain skirt. She was not beautiful, she was presentable. Cleanliness and tidiness had always been important to her. What was beauty, anyway? Tobias was beauty to her, but clearly she did not inspire the same feeling in him. A deep sadness seeped into her heart.

‘Miss Smith is agreeable, too?’ she asked.

‘She is Mrs Holmes now, my dear. I find her a little withdrawn but she is very hardworking. Prodigiously so. She spends her days washing linen and scrubbing floors, even digging the garden in fine weather. Do you know? She reminds me of you in her ways. Clean and tidy, and so very thorough in everything she tackles.’

Perhaps she was a pupil at Blackstone, Harriet thought miserably.

‘She will make him a very suitable wife. And, well, he is like a youth again in his demeanour,’ Anna finished, with a smile.

This served only to deepen Harriet’s sadness. She wondered if she had been right to confess her past to him. Had it made a difference to his affection for her? She would never know. She heaved a great sigh. From now on she could be no more than a younger sister to him and would have to be content with that. But she was tired of being content with her allotted role in life. She pasted on a smile. ‘Then I am happy for him.You must be exhausted, Anna. I have kept you from your bed. I shall tell you news of the asylum in the morning after you have rested.’

 

‘It is from Toby.
^’
Anna came back from the front door with the letter. ‘What can be so urgent that he must write?’

Harriet hoped he was not ill. There were so many with the fever. ‘Good news, I trust.’

Anna adjusted the spectacles on her nose, slid a knife point under the seal and unfolded the thick paper. Her eyes roamed quickly through the writing.

Harriet held her breath until she could stand the suspense no longer. ‘Is he well?’ Her voice came out as a squeak.

Anna looked up sharply. ‘Why, yes, of course. Bad news for some, I’m afraid, although you may not find it so. Nor I.’

‘How so?’

‘Hesley Mexton is dead.’

Dead. Old Hesley had died. Nervous relief washed over Harriet. He was gone for ever and she was free of him at last. Perhaps she could return to Hill Top House and see Olivia. She would like so much to do that. She was overcome with emotion and could not reply.

‘You look pleased,’ Anna remarked.

‘I suppose I am. The man was evil. Do you not think so?’

Anna did, and this surprised Harriet. ‘I would not expect you to be so uncharitable, Anna. He was a wicked man, but does not God ask us to forgive the sinners among us?’

‘Sometimes He asks too much.’

Harriet could only agree where Hesley Mexton was concerned. ‘I can never forgive him.’

‘Nor I, for what he did to me.’

‘To you?’ Harriet was astonished. ‘Did you know him?’

Anna did not answer her. ‘There is to be a funeral in the town,’ she said, ‘at the parish church. Gentlemen from all over the Riding will attend.’ Suddenly she thrust the letter at Harriet. ‘I - I can’t read any more.’

‘Anna, you are quite pale. What is it?’ Harriet feared she would have another attack and got up to fetch her smelling-salts. ‘It’s him, isn’t it? You did know him. It was the mention of his name before that caused your relapse. I am surprised that your brother wrote to you of him.’

‘I am well. Truly. Toby knows this news will please me. As it does you.’

‘You wished him dead, too?’

‘He wanted the same of me once. You see, he blamed me for his only son’s death. He said I stopped his son riding and shooting so he was not a good enough horseman for the hunt. But his son was a quiet, studious gentleman. He did not want to hunt. His father made him do it.’

‘Old Hesley’s son was thrown from his horse,’ Harriet said slowly. ‘How well did you know him?’

‘He came to our readings in the old Dissenters’ House. We shared so much,’ Anna said. ‘I became his wife. Our son was a babe in arms, not long born, when he was killed and I was so
angry
with old Hesley. He was grieving too, I realize now, but we argued and shouted and fought, and I - I attacked him with a dinner fork. The tines were sharp. I drew blood and, at the time, I was not sorry.’ She shuddered and swayed a little in her chair. ‘But I should have been.’

Harriet was astounded. She would have liked a strong drink to calm her agitation, but that was not possible in this house. She moved a chair to sit beside Anna and put an arm about her shoulders. ‘This is too distressing for you. Do not go on.’

‘I must. It has been a secret from you for too long. Of all people you will understand. After I had attacked him, he took my baby from me and had me put away in the asylum.’

‘In here?’ This was too much to bear. ‘Oh, Anna, how dreadful.’

‘Toby was in America, our parents had died and old Hesley would have nothing more to do with me. I wanted to write to Toby, but I had no paper or ink. Or anyone to help me. He came home eventually for reasons of his own, and I thank the Lord every day for that. When he found me, he took me out. But I could not go back to my son. Or even acknowledge that he is mine. Old Hesley had insisted on that.’

Then her son must be young Hesley, Harriet thought, and wondered how much Anna knew about him. ‘What happened to your baby?’ she asked.

‘I do not know. Toby wrote to the lawyers to ask if I might see him, but they refused. I suppose old Hesley brought him up. Another Hesley in his image. He was keen on his blood line.’

‘Oh, Anna, this must have been so awful for you. I had no idea. How on earth do you get through your days knowing you have a son you cannot see?’

‘I help others. It gives me hope of a kind, and I have my faith. But I should dearly like to see my son.’

Harriet blew out her cheeks, wondering if it were possible now old Hesley was dead. His cruelty had held no bounds, she thought angrily. ‘I should like to dance on old Hesley’s grave,’ she whispered.

‘I too.’

‘Then I shall,’ Harriet responded firmly. ‘I shall go to his funeral, watch as he is lowered into the ground and bury that part of my life with him. I shall lay his ghost to rest for both of us.’ Harriet glanced at the letter. ‘But women don’t go to funerals as a rule.’

‘They are not expected to, I grant you, but it will be a grand affair and no one can prevent you watching from beneath the trees.’

‘Can I be spared from here?’

‘Indeed you can, now that I am here.We have a capable teacher in the inmate you have trained.The governor wrote of it to Toby. The asylum doctor is to approach the trustees about including our lessons as part of the treatment for some, and providing more funding. Thanks to you, my work here is a success.’

‘I shall not be gone for long,’ Harriet said.

‘Well, Toby will not be at the funeral. His mission is with the Mexton labourers, not the gentry.You need not see him if you do not wish it.’

‘Why should I not wish to see him?’

‘As I told you, he has a wife now.’

‘So?’

Anna gazed at her frankly. ‘I did not realize you cared for him in that way until I spoke of his marriage.’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’

‘You do.’

Harriet sank on to her chair.‘It is true I had harboured hopes for more than friendship with him, but he has made his choice and I must live with that. I will stay with one of the leaders in the town, at least until he and his wife are more settled in their home.’

‘We shall visit them together, later in the year, when the weather improves,’ Anna suggested.

Chapter 26

Harriet watched from the trees as the polished oak coffin adorned with brass was lowered into the ground. She thought that black ebony would have been better for him. A cold black coffin for a man with a cold black heart, like the cold black coal he mined.