With All My Love (47 page)

‘That’s unbelievable,’ Briony murmured, horrified.

‘I basically had to give up all rights to Jeff, even though we’d been living together as a family for more than three and a half years.’

‘But Dad
did
love you, didn’t he?’

‘I
think
he did. I hope he did. The week before he died he told me that he loved coming home to us.’ Valerie swallowed the lump that had risen to her throat. ‘I’ll never really know. If he’d proposed I would have been certain of it but he never did and I didn’t force the issue because I wanted it to come from him, not me. But one thing was for sure: he was a wonderful father and you were the light of his life. Not even Tessa could deny that. But she interfered too much in our lives, and knowing her I think she would have continued to interfere.’

‘And that was why you moved to Dublin and never let them see me again?’ Briony said sadly.

‘It was partly the reason for moving to Dublin, but not all, by any manner or means. I had a lot of pros and cons to weigh up. It would have been difficult doing the commute and leaving you at Mam’s or Tessa’s. We would have been up at the crack of dawn and I wouldn’t have seen you until half six, seven in the evenings. I wanted to spend time with you, especially because Jeff had died. I wanted to give you extra attention and I couldn’t do that if we’d stayed in Rockland’s.’

‘But what about poor Lorcan? He was kind to you and me. I can remember him giving me swings and showing me how to fish for shrimps. Couldn’t you have arranged for him to see me?’

‘Lorcan was kinder to me than my own father was. It was hard leaving him,’ Valerie confessed. ‘But he had to be loyal to Tessa. He was her husband.’

‘Oh Mom, didn’t you even think about
me
when you made that decision? I’ve lost so much!’ Briony exclaimed, twisting her table napkin agitatedly. ‘It wasn’t just about how
you
were feeling.’

‘I know, I know. I just wanted to get away, and I did want to get my own back on Tessa, I’m ashamed to say. They were the things that drove me. I was in upheaval mentally as well as physically.’ Valerie could hardly meet her daughter’s accusatory gaze.

‘So I was a pawn.’

Valerie stayed silent. Briony was right: she had used her daughter as a weapon, something Lizzie had once warned her against and now she bitterly regretted it.

‘Did they ever try to find me?’

‘Yes. Tessa pleaded with Mam to give her our address but I’d made Mam promise never to tell her. I know I put her in a very difficult position but she was very loyal to me and even though she didn’t want me to marry Jeff either, she felt Tessa had backed me into a corner by making
me
make the decision not to get married so that Jeff could complete his studies and exams. She never liked Tessa after that.

‘So Gramma gave Gran the letter for me, and you never gave it to me or let on that they loved me and still wanted to see me?’

‘We’d made a new life for ourselves in Dublin. You’d started school and settled in and you were happy so I just thought they’d drift out of your consciousness gradually, which they did. It was the easiest route to go,’ Valerie said tiredly. ‘But, in fairness to her, Tessa was nothing if not persistent; she found out where I worked and doorstepped me on one occasion. That really upset me. If she hadn’t done that to me, time might have softened my feelings towards her, but I was so angry with what I saw as her harassment that day that it finished me with her for good.’

‘Did you not feel guilty?’ Briony probed, wondering could she have done the same thing to Katie if she was in her mother’s shoes.

‘I did at the beginning, of course I did, especially about Lorcan, and if Tessa had just left me alone for a few months things might have been different. Eventually I pushed them to the back of my mind and never allowed myself to think about them. I’ll be honest with you, Briony, until Katie was born I hadn’t thought about Tessa in a long, long time. And then I did start to consider the impact my decision made on all of your lives. I set it aside and told myself that you’d grown up happy and well adjusted. But, especially on this visit and when I’ve been having such fun with Katie, I do realize what I’ve deprived you and Tessa and Lorcan of. If it’s of any comfort I’m not proud of myself and I’m so sorry I didn’t do things differently.’

‘I am going to make contact with them. You know that, don’t you?’ Briony eyeballed her mother. ‘I think what you did was mean and vengeful, but I can see why you did it. So at least I know now.’

‘You do what you have to do, Briony,’ Valerie said quietly. ‘I’m sure it will give them great joy to be reunited with you, and they’ll adore Katie.’

What an irony, she thought: Tessa would be renewing her relationship with her grandchild, and Valerie was in danger of losing Briony and Katie if her daughter couldn’t forgive her. A strained silence settled on the three of them.

‘I think they live in Dublin now,’ Lizzie remarked casually, topping up Valerie’s glass. ‘Lorcan’s sister died, she left him her house and they moved up to the city. Tessa found it very difficult living in Rockland’s after Jeff’s death. Lisa and her husband bought their house from them and she runs a crèche in it. Ma keeps me up to date on all the news. Her letters are pages long but I always feel I’m at home when I read them.’

‘Oh, I loved that house,’ Briony sighed. ‘I can still remember it.’

‘Can you?’ Valerie was surprised. ‘You were very young.’

‘I know, but it was a magic place. I can’t remember the house we lived in at all but I remember Dad’s house, and playing there and going for picnics. You know, Mom, when you told me that my grandparents were cross with you because Dad had died and they didn’t want to see us I thought it because it was something
I
had done. I thought it was all
my
fault.’

‘Oh my God, Briony, I’m so, so sorry.’ Valerie burst into tears, devastated at the immensity of the consequences of what she’d done after Jeff’s death, and only now truly realizing how much she had deprived her daughter. ‘I can understand if you never forgive me,’ she wept as Lizzie reached across and took her hand.

Briony’s eyes welled up. ‘I wish it hadn’t happened, Mom. I was very unhappy at times and couldn’t tell you, but I kind of understand why you did it. Don’t cry, we’ll get through it.’ She leaned across the table and took Valerie’s other hand.

‘Thank you, darling, thank you. I’ll never forgive myself.’ Valerie wept.

‘No, don’t do that to yourself. We have to put it behind us and move on. We’ve endured enough misery,’ Briony said firmly.

‘Briony’s right, Valerie. The past has to be healed so that you can be free to live your lives the way you want to live them,’ Lizzie counselled.

‘Thank you, Lizzie for always being with us in our hour of need.’ Valerie wiped her eyes with her napkin.

‘You’re always there for me too,’ Lizzie assured her.

‘We can look at the photo album, if you like,’ Valerie suggested, still mopping her eyes. ‘There’s quite a few photos of you and your dad, Briony, and some of them are taken in Rocklands. Lizzie, there are some hilarious ones of us looking like Pam and Sue Ellen in
Dallas
, with our perms and shoulder pads and blue eyeliner.’

‘Don’t dare ever show them to Rachel. My street cred would be, like, torn to shreds if she, like, saw photos of me looking like that,’ Lizzie warned.

‘That “like” thing – even Katie’s at it.’ Briony threw her eyes up to heaven.

‘It’s all ahead of you and I wish you the joys of it,’ Lizzie grinned, squeezing her hand.

‘Why are you not drinking?’ Lizzie asked her when Valerie brought another bottle of wine to the table, and the photo album. ‘OMG, have you something to tell me?’ Her eyes widened.

‘What do you mean?’ Briony asked.

‘You know . . . not drinking . . . preggers?’

Briony’s jaw dropped open.

Valerie did a double take.

‘Are you?’ she asked, stunned.

‘Um . . . I don’t know.’ Briony was dumbfounded. ‘I actually never thought of that. I just thought I had a dodgy tummy. But now that you say it, it’s a possibility. We’ve been trying for the past two years but no luck, and I’m not using any contraception. Oh, wow! Could I be? Is
that
what’s wrong with me? It would explain the tiredness as well.’ She couldn’t believe it.

‘Oh, I shouldn’t have said that. Me and my big mouth. It’s just it’s not like you not to have a drink when we’re together.’ Lizzie was a little abashed.

‘Are you saying I’m a dipso?’ teased Briony.

‘I’ve seen you hit the G&T, the Cava, the vino and the Baileys all in the one night. I could tell a tale or two,’ Lizzie said smugly.

‘It’s just as well I didn’t do that this week if I am pregnant,’ Briony said ruefully.

‘It could be that now you’re not so stressed because you’re at home instead of chasing your tail bringing Katie to the crèche and getting to work, your body is more relaxed. Often it’s when you’re not thinking about it that it happens.’ Lizzie speared a sundried tomato and ate it with relish.

‘We can get a test kit over in the pharmacy tomorrow,’ Valerie said. ‘Katie will be thrilled if it’s true.’

‘If it’s a false alarm I’ll be very disappointed now that you’ve put the notion in my head. I’ve wanted another child for so long I’d be ecstatic if I’m pregnant,’ Briony confessed, pushing away the cheese. Now that it was a possibility she was in such a heap she couldn’t eat another bite.

‘I would have loved another child. If Jeff and I had been married I would have tried for another baby, but because we weren’t and because I kept waiting for him to propose, I just stayed on the pill and lost my chance,’ Valerie said sadly. She caught Briony’s troubled gaze. ‘But the daughter I have was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m incredibly lucky. Briony, I’m so sorry you felt things were your fault. I never realized what I was doing to you. What sort of a mother am I?’ She began to cry again, gutted at what she had inflicted on her beloved child.

‘You had a lot going on in your life. It wasn’t easy, I realize that now. Mom, I had a very good childhood, and I lacked for nothing. You did your very best for me – I know that – so let’s put the past behind us. I love you.’ Briony stood up and came and put her arms around her mother.

Valerie felt a burden lift from her shoulders and float away. It was the strangest thing but somehow she just
knew
Jeff was by her side.

‘Let’s have a look at the photos, then,’ Briony said lightly.

They sat for an hour flicking through the pages of their past, photos of the house with the sash windows, of Briony sitting on the swing with Jeff standing protectively behind her. A photo of Tessa, Lorcan, Carmel, Lisa, Steven and Valerie standing behind Briony as she blew out the candles on her cake on her third birthday. Photos that made the three of them laugh, of Lizzie and Valerie dolled up for a night out, with Afro hairdos and glittery boob tubes. Eventually tiredness caught up with them and drove them to their beds.

Valerie insisted, despite her best friend’s protests, that Lizzie sleep in her bed. She changed the sheets, and gave her fresh towels and hugged her tightly. ‘Thanks for coming. It made such a difference.’

‘At least the worst is over and Briony knows what’s what, and you can let it go.’ Lizzie pulled her nightie over her head.

‘Yes, it’s a huge relief, to be honest. All we can do now is see where it takes us,’ Valerie said. She was glad to slide into her made-up bed on the sofa. She was exhausted. But unlike the night before, when she was tormented by memories of the past, tonight all she felt was relief. She drifted into a deep sleep and never woke once until Katie leaned over her and tenderly kissed her cheek to announce the arrival of morning.

Briony lay listening to the sound of the sea, her hand on her tummy. Was she pregnant after these past years of longing for a child, a sibling for Katie? How ironic if she were to find that she was to be a mother again at a time of discovering such flaws in her own mother’s parenting.

It was hard to believe that Tessa had acted the way she had. Hard to reconcile the loving grandmother she remembered with the woman whose behaviour had had such an impact on Valerie’s life. She felt Valerie had given a truthful version of what had happened. Lizzie wouldn’t have let her do otherwise. She was glad Lizzie was there because had she and Valerie been on their own, she would have doubted the veracity of her mother’s version of events. If Valerie could lie to her once about such a profound matter that had such a huge effect on her life, Briony would have felt that she could do it again. No, tonight at least she felt her mother had been honest, even when it did not reflect well on herself.

And Tessa and Lorcan – what a torment it must have been to lose Jeff
and
their grandchild. That was a cruel punishment, no matter what reasons Valerie had. But, on the other hand, it must have been terribly hard on her mother, living her life, wondering did Jeff love her or not and waiting for him to propose. And then when he died, not knowing, ever. Tessa had been cruel to say that he hadn’t loved Valerie.
That
had shocked Briony.

Valerie had not had an easy life and she’d worked very hard to make sure that Briony had a privileged childhood. She had never wanted for anything, except for her father. How different would their lives have been if Jeff had lived? But he hadn’t and there was no point going there. But she
was
going to contact Tessa and Lorcan. As soon as she got home she would make it a priority, Briony thought drowsily before falling asleep, worn out after all the emotional trauma of the past few days.

C
HAPTER
F
ORTY
-T
WO

They were like three giddy schoolgirls in a school loo, as Valerie and Lizzie perched on the side of the bath and Briony put the loo top down with one hand and sat on it while holding the test wand with the other.

‘They’re so quick now compared to the old ones.’ Lizzie craned her neck to get a look as she was nearest to Briony.