With All My Love (21 page)

Valerie felt that by now familiar fear in the pit of her stomach. Jeff was cooling off, she was sure of it. They were supposed to be telling their parents at the weekend and discussing the arrangements for the wedding. It was clear he was having second thoughts and didn’t want to go through with it. As she’d always dreaded, she was on her own.

She tossed and turned for hours, frantic for sleep, knowing that she had to go to work in the morning, and almost cried when the moonlight waned and the first faint glimmers of daybreak whispered across the eastern sky, and the birds began their inexorable dawn symphony, celebrating the start of a new day.

C
HAPTER
T
WENTY
-O
NE

Something was up, Carmel thought in dismay as she saw her daughter pushing a piece of bacon around her plate. She had cooked Valerie’s favourite meal: bacon, cabbage, floury potatoes and parsley sauce. It had been a while since her daughter was home for the weekend and she had been really looking forward to seeing her.

They had grown much closer since Valerie had moved up to Dublin. Carmel was immensely proud of the way she had made a whole new life for herself. She was blossoming into a beautiful self-assured, happy young woman, living the life she wanted, a far cry from her own dreary existence. Valerie was
living
, she was
existing
, Carmel often thought, wishing she had the get-up-and-go to improve her life. Valerie had bought a car and learned to drive. At least Carmel was taking lessons, which was a big leap for her, if somewhat nerve-racking.

Valerie loved living in the flat with Lizzie and they had made a very good job of decorating it. Carmel, impressed with how they had updated their old-fashioned bedroom, had taken a leaf out of her daughter’s book and done a little redecorating of her own. She’d bought some new mint-green and cream floral-patterned material and made curtains, and a matching bedspread with a little frill around the end. It gave her small bedroom a bright fresh new look. Valerie had been very complimentary when she’d seen it and had bought a few scatter cushions to throw on the bed.

Carmel loved spending a Saturday in the city with her daughter. She would travel up on the bus and Valerie would pick her up at Bus Aras. Carmel was amazed at how unfazed she was driving around in the traffic and how well she knew the city after only a few months living there. She brought her to places she’d never been to before. They had spent a lovely day on Carmel’s birthday, shopping in the Dandelion Market and Grafton Street before having a posh lunch in the Royal Dublin Hotel. Valerie had ordered smoked salmon for her starter. Carmel had had a little taste but hadn’t liked it very much. She’d played it safe and had a prawn cocktail but at Valerie’s urging she had tried the chicken supreme with rice and had really enjoyed it. Her daughter had insisted that she have a glass of wine to celebrate and Carmel had felt on a par with ‘The Elite’ in the fancy houses in the village. They were always lunching in fancy hotels. Afterwards, Valerie had taken her to the National Botanic Gardens just across the road from where she lived. The beauty and scents of the magnificent rose garden had been breathtaking. The weeping willows dipping into the river that curved around the boundary gave off such a tranquil air she could have stayed there for hours.

When she’d heard Valerie was coming home for the weekend, Carmel had made an effort and decorated the table with her good linen tablecloth and silverware, and had bought a bottle of Black Tower as a special treat. In a fortunate turn of events, Terence had had to work overtime and wasn’t due home until after ten so they could have a lovely relaxed dinner with no tension. She hadn’t anticipated Valerie arriving home looking pale and wan, with dark circles smudging her eyes, and unable to eat her dinner, let alone drink the wine that sparkled in her Waterford crystal glasses, a wedding present from an aunt all those years ago. They’d never been used until now and she had shined them until they sparkled before pouring in the golden liquid.

‘Are you not feeling the best? You look a bit pale,’ she queried as Valerie ate a small portion of potato that she had mashed into the sauce.

‘I’m a bit off,’ Valerie admitted.

‘That’s a pity. I was hoping you’d enjoy the wine. I bought it as a bit of a treat for us.’

‘Thanks, Mam.’ Valerie smiled at her.

‘And how’s Jeff?’ Carmel asked lightly, hiding her disappointment. ‘Will you be seeing him later?’

‘He’s fine,’ Valerie said heavily. ‘I’ll be seeing him tomorrow. He’s at a friend’s stag party tonight. Mam, I’ve something to tell you.’

Carmel felt an icy hand grip her guts as she saw her daughter’s expression. The pallor, the lack of appetite, the air of ennui.
Please, not that!
She sent up a silent prayer. ‘What’s the matter?’ she said quietly, folding her hands in her lap.

‘I’m pregnant.’

The words hung like giant boulders over Carmel’s head, crashing down into her as all the dreams she held for her daughter smashed into smithereens. ‘Oh, Valerie!’ Carmel whispered, sick to her stomach.

‘I’m sorry, Mam,’ Valerie said miserably, twisting her serviette in a knot.

‘But didn’t you protect yourself? Girls can do that now, it’s different than in my day.’ Carmel tried to keep her voice steady. She wanted to slap Valerie and shout,
‘You stupid, silly girl, you had every chance and now you’ve ruined it. And you’ve given your father the chance to have a real go at you. He’ll never forgive you. You’ll be able to go back to Dublin but I’m the one who will have to sit and listen to him. How could you, Valerie, how could you?’
The words shrieked around in her head and for a moment she thought she’d actually uttered them.

‘We used condoms,’ Valerie muttered.

‘You can’t depend on them,’ Carmel said crossly. ‘You know your father is going to go mad. Oh, Valerie, you’ve given him the opportunity to have such a go at you and there’s nothing I’ll be able to do about it.’

‘Don’t worry, Mam, it will be OK. We’re getting married at Christmas. Jeff’s going to be here when I tell him. I was going to wait to tell you together . . .’ She bit her lip.

‘
Married!
You don’t want to rush into marriage, Valerie,’ Carmel said in alarm.

‘But then I’d be an unmarried mother!’ Valerie exclaimed, astonished at her mother’s reaction.

‘There are worse things, Valerie. Better to be an unmarried mother than an unhappy wife.’

‘We love each other,’ Valerie ventured, lowering her eyes, and Carmel felt a fresh rush of worry as she wondered what Jeff’s true feelings for her daughter were.

‘Why don’t you go and lie down for a while?’ she said tiredly, standing up from the table. ‘I’ll clear away here.’

‘I’m sorry, Mam.’ Valerie was near to tears.

‘Go and rest,’ she repeated. ‘We’ll get through it step by step and I know Lizzie will be a big help to you.’

‘She is already, Mam, she is,’ Valerie said with heartfelt emotion. ‘I can always depend on her.’

‘Well it’s good to have someone in life to depend on. My advice to you is to wait until Sunday to tell your father. Then you can leave for Dublin and it will give him time to cool down,’ Carmel said, scraping the uneaten meals into the bin. ‘And make life easy on yourself, Valerie. For once in your life, do
not
argue with your father, no matter what he says to you,’ she warned.

‘OK, thanks, Mam.’ Valerie stood up from the table. ‘I
am
sorry.’

‘Stop apologizing. What’s done is done, and we have to get on with it,’ Carmel said sharply, flinging the plates into the basin none too gently, before filling it with water and washing-up liquid.

She heard her daughter walk down the hallway and shook her head in despair. Terence would lose the plot completely. The family’s name would be shamed. There’d be talk and speculation, the way there always was when something like this happened in Rockland’s. It was like every other village in the country: claustrophobic, smothering, a hotbed of gossip and exaggeration, Carmel thought wearily as she immersed her hands in the soapy water.

She kept herself to herself mostly, but Terence was very involved in the parish activities and liked to be seen doing good deeds. His reputation and how their neighbours viewed him had always been important to him. This would be a harsh blow. A very harsh blow indeed. For the first time in a long time, Carmel actually felt sorry for her husband. He tried so hard to be a people pleaser. There was some need in him, some want that made him crave approval and acknowledgement, and from individuals who were only really on the periphery of his life, and all the while the two people who should mean the most to him hardly rated at all. Now a grandchild was coming, and instead of the baby bringing joy there would be more division in the family, more trauma. Would it never end?

But Valerie needed her, and her grandchild would need her, and Carmel would do her best for them. That was all she could do. Terence would have to be responsible for his own feelings and behaviour; she wasn’t going to indulge him any more. Those days were gone.

She had meant what she had said to Valerie. Better no marriage than an unhappy marriage. She had learned that the very hard way. She had to take responsibility for her own part in the unhappiness of her own marriage, she thought with a dart of shock. She should never have married Terence. But she had married him to get away from an unhappy home life, afraid to strike out on her own, and had gone from the frying pan into the fire. He wasn’t all to blame.

She must speak of this to her daughter soon to try to prevent her from making the same mistake. Although in fairness Jeff Egan seemed like a very nice lad and she had never felt any cause for concern for her daughter’s welfare because of him. But even the nicest chap in the world would change in an unhappy marriage, especially if it was a marriage they felt coerced into. No matter what Terence said – and Carmel knew without the shadow of a doubt that he’d want Valerie up that aisle the sooner the better – she was going to do her best to persuade her daughter to give it time before rushing into a marriage that could end in tears. Carmel felt a firm resolve that brought an unexpected calm to her spirit as she stood at the kitchen sink washing the dishes.

‘I’ve told my mother,’ Valerie said to Jeff as they walked along the beach under The Headland.

‘What did she say?’ Jeff kicked a piece of driftwood out of his way. He had his hands in his jacket pockets and she wished he would hold hands with her. The weather had turned and a south-easterly blew up along the beach, swirling the sand around them. She hadn’t wanted to sit in the stuffy lounge of the hotel. She wanted fresh air and had asked him to go for a walk on the beach. He was subdued and had given her only a peck on the cheek when they’d met up.

‘She was OK after the shock. She thinks we should wait until Sunday to tell my da, so that I can leave for Dublin afterwards because he will go berserk.’ She didn’t tell him that Carmel had, surprisingly, declared that rushing into marriage was not the course of action to take.

Her mother had broached the subject again when they’d gone for a driving practice earlier in the day before going to Mount Usher Gardens. Carmel had said very frankly that she had married Terence to get away from home and to escape looking after her father and brothers. It was the biggest mistake of her life and if she had her life over again she would not repeat it. An unhappy marriage was a hard cross to bear for both her and Terence, she’d admitted. She didn’t want Valerie to end up unhappy by rushing into marriage because she was pregnant. Valerie was astonished at her mother’s directness. Carmel had always been very private about the state of her marriage. Valerie had assured her that her relationship with Jeff was different and had changed the subject. She did not want to
hear
this type of talk. It was too unsettling.

Valerie felt that if she gave Jeff any leeway in the marriage department he’d take it like a drowning man grasping at a life raft. It was a thought she tried hard to ignore. She just couldn’t face the long lonely road ahead without him.

‘I told my folks,’ he sighed.

‘What did they say?’ she asked warily. She was sure Tessa Egan was far from impressed with the news.

‘Ah . . . not much. They were a bit shocked and disappointed. You know yourself.’ He shrugged. ‘Dad was calmer than Mam. She was a bit . . . er . . . put out.’

I bet she was, thought Valerie. ‘Well, my da won’t be calm, that’s for sure, just to warn you,’ she said emphatically. ‘Should we talk to the priest about the wedding?’ she ventured.

‘I suppose we should,’ Jeff said unenthusiastically. ‘But we should wait until we’ve told your da.’

‘He’ll want us to get married as soon as possible, I know that.’ Valerie slanted a glance up at him.

‘Right,’ he said, staring out at the horizon.

‘Jeff, please talk to me,’ she pleaded. ‘You’re so cool and distant. It’s scaring me.’ Tears brimmed in her eyes.

‘Oh, don’t cry, Val,’ he groaned, putting his arms around her. ‘I just feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. I can’t imagine being a father and having a baby to look after.’

‘I can’t imagine being a mother,’ she said into his neck.

‘We have a lot of decisions to make.’ He buried his face in her hair.

‘I know.’ He was struggling just like she was, she reminded herself. It was all new to him too. They held each other tightly as the wind whipped the sand around their ankles and the waves crashed in on the beach, pounding the shore in fury.

‘Oh, look.’ Valerie pointed out to sea where a rainbow arched across the sky in glorious Technicolor splendour. ‘What a gorgeous rainbow.’

‘Just for us.’ Jeff smiled down at her and put his arm around her shoulder and they stood in silence looking at nature’s magnificent spectacle. Valerie snuggled in against him, glad that they had acknowledged their fears, at least, and wishing that the ordeal of telling her father was behind them.

‘What’s she bringing that fella here for?’ Terence grumbled as he saw Valerie and Jeff walking hand in hand towards the house. He was just about to sit down with a cup of tea and the Sunday paper while Carmel prepared the roast dinner.