With All My Love (11 page)

Valerie smiled at the memory of Jeff’s kindness and tenderness towards her. Even all these years later she could remember that moment as though it had happened yesterday. For the first time in her life she had realized that men could be kind and loving. It had been a revelation. She had never seen her father act tenderly towards her mother. Terence had never been affectionate with her, but as Lizzie had pointed out to her not so long ago when they had been discussing her relationship with her father, Terence had never received love and, consequently, didn’t know how to give it.

Valerie sighed, fingering the gold cross that hung around her neck and which had been one of Jeff’s first gifts to her. He knew what it was to be kind and loving because he had experienced it. She was lucky, she supposed, that Carmel had made up for Terence’s failures as a parent, in her own quiet way. It was thanks to her mother that Valerie had enjoyed one of the most momentous occasions of her life when she had crossed the threshold of adulthood and never looked back.

C
HAPTER
T
EN

‘I’m a free woman!’ Valerie danced around Lizzie’s bedroom as she ripped off her school blouse and stepped out of her uniform skirt.

‘Me too. Yippeeeeeeee!’ Lizzie hollered, flinging her tie out the window. They had finished their last exam, and they were elated. School days were finally behind them and the future beckoned. And the beginning of that future was the End of Exam Barbecue, which was taking place down on the beach in a few hours’ time.

Valerie had told her mother about the planned celebrations the previous week. ‘And I don’t care what Dad says, I’m going, Mam, and if he takes the belt to me again I’m going to have him charged with assault,’ she’d said heatedly.

‘Go to your barbecue, I’ll deal with him,’ Carmel had responded with uncharacteristic decisiveness. ‘It might be a good idea to stay with Lizzie for the night. Then you won’t have to be worried about what time you get in and he won’t be getting himself worked up.’

‘Thanks, Mam.’ Valerie flung her arms around her mother and hugged her. Carmel’s arms tightened around her. They didn’t usually show much affection and because it was so rare, it was a precious moment.

‘You’re a good girl, and a good daughter. I want you to have fun and be carefree when your exams are over. You’ve worked so hard you deserve it, and I’m very proud of you. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to stop your father beating you. I didn’t realize that was his intention.’ Carmel’s cheeks were pink as she made her speech, and her eyes were dark with a sad weariness that caught at Valerie’s heart.

‘It wasn’t your fault, Mam. Don’t think it was. I certainly don’t blame you,’ she’d said earnestly. ‘I just don’t think Dad likes me very much. I know he always wanted a boy.’

‘Well, I’m glad I had you,’ Carmel had replied fiercely. ‘And now you can live your own life and be independent. Always stand on your own two feet, Valerie. Don’t end up like me, dependent on a man like your father, with no life of my own.’

‘But why don’t you get a job, Mam? Earn your own money?’ Valerie had asked, surprised to be having such an unexpectedly intimate conversation with her mother. Carmel rarely spoke of her feelings.

‘I suppose I could. I could try to get work in the hotel, or in some of the B & Bs now that the summer season’s upon us. Your father would probably be all for it. You know what he’s like about money – the more there is the better.’ She gave a wry smile.

‘I think that’s a great idea, Mam. It feels so good having your own money. Lizzie and I and all the girls in our class have applied for jobs all over the place. We’ve done the Civil Service, Corporations, and County Council exams, and the banks, and hopefully we’ll get high up on the selection panels,’ Valerie said cheerfully.

‘Aahh, don’t worry, you’ll get a job with no bother, a bright girl like you. And I should stop being such a stick-in-the-mud, shouldn’t I?’ Carmel had said, displaying a bit of spark.

‘Yes, Mam. Get out there and be independent the way you’re always telling me to be. And when I get a car, we can learn to drive together. We don’t have to depend on him. He won’t let you drive his car and he’s told me I won’t be getting behind the wheel either, so stuff him. We’ll learn to drive ourselves,’ Valerie had said excitedly, relishing the thought of the look on her father’s face when she and her mother would no longer be obliged to him to be taken anywhere.

‘I don’t think I’d have the nerve to drive,’ Carmel said doubtfully.

‘You will, I’ll help you,’ Valerie had urged. ‘We won’t tell him and then when you’re confident enough you’ll just drive off one day in my car and leave him gobsmacked.’

‘We’ll see.’ Carmel had laughed, and Valerie had never felt so close to her.

Life was certainly improving, she thought now, as she stood under the shower in Lizzie’s untidy bathroom, lathering sweet-scented peach shower cream all over. Jeff would be at the barbecue tonight. His exams had finished a few days ago, so tonight would be a double celebration. She couldn’t wait.

Since that first afternoon date at New Year they had met most Sunday afternoons when his football match was over, going for a walk on the beach and a drink in the hotel afterwards. Jeff was great fun to be with, but he had a sensitive side that helped her through the lonely months of her curfew. Looking forward to their Sundays together kept her going.

They would walk along the beach holding hands and catch up on the events of their respective week, before going back to the car, if he was able to borrow either of his parents’. They would drive to a secluded spot, and kiss and cuddle, and Valerie was never happier than when she and Jeff were in that special little bubble of time that was theirs alone. All the worries of exams and her unhappy home life would evaporate for a while. As dusk began to fall they would drive back to the hotel for a drink before he would take her home around six. Then she would feel sad, knowing that he was heading up to Dublin and she had a long week of study ahead of her.

‘We’re soulmates, Lizzie,’ she would tell her best friend, who, tragically, had become manless at Easter. Phil Casey had turned out to be two-timing Lizzie with a Goth from Bray, and she was devastated and furious while trying not to be envious of Valerie’s blossoming romance.

Lizzie was hoping that tonight her dry spell would be over and she would meet ‘The One’ at the barbecue. Valerie hoped she would too, so that she and Jeff could double date with her friend. She hated seeing Lizzie lonely and distressed after her break-up with Phil. She wanted them both to have fun. Now that the exams were over Terence could stick his curfew, blunt end first, up his skinny ass, she’d told her best friend. She was going to make up for all those months of isolation. She was going to party and she wanted Lizzie to be as happy as she was.

In high spirits they pulled on bikinis and denim shorts. Lizzie selected a white V-necked T-shirt from her wardrobe, which emphasized her pert boobs and her golden tan. Valerie put on a pink and blue stripy cheesecloth shirt and tied it in a knot at her breastbone and slipped into a pair of white espadrilles. They looked great, they assured themselves as they studied their reflection in the chipped bevelled mirror in the corner of Lizzie’s bedroom.

Lizzie was tall, and with her jet-black hair that fell in a silky curtain around her face, she reminded Valerie of Ali MacGraw. She studied herself critically. At five foot two she wished that she were a couple of inches taller, but at least she was slim enough, with curves in the right places. Her blond hair, worn in a shaggy cut, gave her an air of sophistication
à la
Jane Fonda in
Klute
, she decided, as she fiddled with the knot of her blouse to get it dead centre. At least they didn’t look like schoolgirls any more, she thought, as she applied another coat of mascara to her eyelashes. They had their beach bags packed and a bottle of vodka wrapped in a towel. It was time to go party.

‘You pair better have something to eat to line your stomachs,’ Ciara Anderson called up the stairs, and Valerie marvelled at how free and easy Lizzie’s mother was. She had cooked lasagne for dinner and they tucked into it with enthusiasm before setting out across The Triangle on their way to the hotel.

‘All in together, girls

This fine weather, girls.

He saw. I saw. Sitting on a see saw.’

The chants of a group of little girls skipping filled the air. The thwack of a ball against the wall of the Ball Alley, as a trio of boys played handball, and the singsong rhythm, ‘Plainy a packet of Rinso, Uppy a packet of Rinso’, as two friends played a game of Two Balls, made them smile. The Triangle was a favourite spot for children to play, as it had been for Valerie and Lizzie, and their parents’ generation too.

‘Remember when we used to play Two Balls? We just play it a bit different now,’ Lizzie giggled, and Valerie snorted with laughter. Lizzie was irrepressible and Valerie loved that wicked streak. She hoped her friend would never change.

The village was buzzing in the early evening sun. Day-trippers coming up from the beach thronged the shops and café. The flowers were blooming voluptuously, vivid splashes of colour against the freshly painted buildings. Even the cordylines in The Triangle waved languidly in the balmy breeze. Rockland’s was glorious on a summer’s day and the Tidy Town committee had worked hard to get the village looking its best. The contrasts between the deserted, drab, gloomy grey of winter and the manic, bright, exuberant energy of summer was hard to believe. Some of the inhabitants hated summer, with the daily invasion of noisy tourists, and loved the peace of winter when the villagers reclaimed Rockland’s for their own. Others thrived on the summer energy when the village was alive, and dreaded the long dark nights of winter when the village went into hibernation, and was forgotten about by the rest of the world. Now, though, the buzz and high spirits that permeated Main Street and The Triangle matched Valerie’s mood, and she and Lizzie called out greetings to people they knew as they made their way down to the seafront to where Jeff and the others were waiting.

C
HAPTER
E
LEVEN

Jeff was waiting for them in the hotel’s beer garden, and he and Valerie hugged tightly.

‘How did it go?’ he asked. He was drinking beer and she took a sip of the cool golden liquid.

‘I think I did OK. The only one I’m a bit worried about was maths. The trigonometry question was really hard, but there’s nothing I can do about it now,’ she sighed.

‘You’ll be fine,’ he said reassuringly. ‘Right, women, what are you drinking?’ He raised a dark eyebrow and she thought how handsome he was with his thick hair that curled down over his collar and wide brown eyes that looked like smooth velvet.

‘Dubonnet and white, and vodka and orange,’ they chorused, settling themselves on the white plastic chairs that Jeff had kept for them. A big green and orange parasol flapped in the breeze, overhead, shading them from the glare of the sun, and behind them exotic-coloured butterflies feasted on an enormous buddleia whose purple branches drooped with pollen-filled blooms. The garden was thronged with school leavers, the young waitresses kept busy as rounds of drinks were bought and consumed with zest. Knowing that they were finally finished with school, and on the threshold of adulthood and freedom lent an air of manic excitement to their drinking. Several of Valerie’s classmates were already the worst for wear. It was a scorcher, the temperature still in the high seventies, although the sun was throwing long shadows, and Jeff and Lizzie and Valerie were eager to get to the beach and go for a swim before the barbecue. They finished their drinks and made their way down to the sea, crossing the hot steel railway tracks onto the sand. They could see the flames of the bonfire in the distance, and the smell of charcoal mixed with the aroma of charred pork ribs wafted across the strand. Shouts of welcome and the waving of beer bottles greeted them. Valerie knew that when she looked back on her life this would be one of the highlights. She had never felt as carefree, happy and optimistic as she was right now. Jeff squeezed her hand and held her steady as she skirted some seaweed-covered rocks, and she relished the way he always took care of her, treating her as though she was something precious and fragile.

The sea was lukewarm after the heat of the sun, and she raced out into the surf, followed by Jeff and a squealing Lizzie, who would never get straight down but stood, arms wrapped around her, yelling as the waves whacked her. After paralleling Jeff for a while as he sliced through the water with a powerful breaststroke Valerie fell behind, turned on her back and floated, staring at the feathery wisps of clouds that were turning pink in the setting sun, and feeling utterly relaxed. The sound of ‘Yes Sir, I Can Boogie’ drifted down from the beach. She could see people dancing and smooching, while others sat with plates of food on their knees, laughing and chatting. Jeff swam up to her and they lay side by side with the water lapping between them, a dazzling silky sheet of molten orange and gold, and watched the sun sink below the horizon. This is bliss, she thought as the water rippled over her tummy and caressed the tips of her toes. The first night of my new life and it’s only just starting.

‘I’m going down to that beach and I’m bringing that one home. It’s no place for her. If you’d see all them young ones wearing next to nothing around the place, locked out of their minds, some of them . . . I’m telling you, Carmel, she had no business going without asking my permission. She’s getting notions about herself and I’m going to put a stop to any wild behaviour before it starts. She needn’t think she’s going to be doing what she likes in this house. I’m the boss and she’d better realize it. While she’s living under
my
roof, she’ll obey
my
rules.’ Terence took a slug of tea and ate a slice of fruitcake, his face puce as he fumed over his daughter’s lack of parental respect.