Winter 2007 (2 page)

Well, something like that
has happened to me recently, with regard to women writing science fiction and
fantasy. Which is to say, I’ve been hearing some complaints that women are
taking over fantasy and science fiction, getting our relationship and character
germs all in it, and ruining it for honest blaster-lovin’ men. That our books
are all soft and fuzzy and full of ponies with braided manes and pretty
princesses and happy endings where true love triumphs over the wicked king and
then there is a wedding.

Now, me, I love a good
blastering as much as the next guy. But apparently, I’m in ur genre, spreadin’
my girl germs, and ruining it for the boys.

It seems I’ve become a
poster child for female SF authors (an interviewer told me not too long ago
that I was notorious for penning strong women) which amuses me to no end,
because the odd thing is, I can walk around for days on end without remembering
that I Am A Girl. I just don’t think about it, frankly. Except when I have to
put on a bra before I walk to the corner store.

I don’t think of myself as
a woman writer. I think of myself as a writer, full stop, or a speculative
fiction writer, if it comes right down to it. If somebody asks what I do for a
living, I tell them I’m a novelist. I don’t tell them I’m a woman novelist.

#

If you feel that the books
you want to read are not being published in sufficient quantity, there’s a way
to fight that.

You can buy them when they
are published. Because trust me, son, if there’s a market for a product, the
product will be provided. Somebody out there is writing novels about bikini-clad
mightily-thewed swordswomen, I guarantee it. And due to the magic of the
internet, if you can find him, you can give him money. If this enormous
audience for a particular type of old-school SF and fantasy are out there, by
god, those books will be published.

And in addition, I have to
admit I have a hard time taking the pleas of hardship seriously in a world
where Frank Miller is still selling comic books as fast as they can back up the
truck, and where I can walk into the science fiction section of any given
bookstore and find vast swaths of military SF and the sort of touchy-feely
writing pioneered by authors such as Glen Cook. (There is nothing wrong with
being able to find Glen Cook in your neighborhood bookstore. There is, indeed,
a whole lot right with Glen Cook.) In fact, I understand that military SF is
selling particularly well of late, and of course we can’t
get
Terry
Goodkind off the best-seller lists, which would tend to indicate to me at least
that Manly Topics are not in so much danger as they might be perceived to be.

*insert sound of crickets
chirping*

I have a theory.

I think all the whining
about girly books taking over is fear. I think it’s the fact that I, an
entertainer who is dependent upon the will of the masses for her continued
ability to pay rent and feed the cat, can stand up with a straight face and
write down something like “
Dear Patriarchy: I don’t care what you think.
”

And mean it.

I think it’s a little bit
scary to some people that there’s an audience–a big audience–for
things outside their comfort zone. I think it’s terrifying to them to be
reminded that, indeed, I don’t
have
to care what they think. And that I,
and dozens of fantasy and science fiction writers like me (who, when they
remember to check, may be men and women both, and a few who don’t care to be
identified as either) don’t have to genuflect to their mightily thewed
barbarians and slave girls to get in print. And stay in print.

Because nothing is more
terrifying to an extant power structure than a frictionless surface. And the
magic of it all is that
they have no power over me.
As long as I
continue to find and link up to and entertain my audience, and it’s a big
enough audience to make it financially sensible to keep me in print, the only
things I answer to are the book reader, my editors, my own artistic integrity,
and the bottom line.

I mean, sure, I may never
win a Hugo.

But as long as I’m making my
readers happy, I think I can live with that.

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Fiction:
Boiler Maker by R. Andrew Heidel

I sallied up to the bar. “A
pint of bass and a Glengoyne singe malt, neat please.”

“Ah, a boiler maker,”
replied the kindly old barkeep. He wore a white shirt with brown stripes
covered by a glowing white lightly starched apron. He was a bartender of the
old school, right down to the handlebar mustache and arm bands. Give him a
straw hat, I thought, and he would be perfect in a barbershop quartet.

“Yah, I need something to
warm me up.”

The bartender took a look
up and down the bar. It was a quiet Tuesday evening. A couple sat at the end of
the bar, whispering sweet nothings, chocolate covered love, candied happiness,
fingers entwined like the tentacles of an erotic gummy squid. Satisfied that
the clientele was taken care of he turned back to me.

“Sure you don’t need
something to cheer you up?”

“Not right now. Sometimes
it’s not about the pep talk, pops.”

“Sure it is, if you don’t
do it for yourself, who’s gonna do it.”

I felt like socking him.
The last thing I needed to do was look on the bright side. I was happy with the
dark shades I looked through at the moment. But something about his sincerity,
his compassion, kept me from getting up and moving over to one of the empty
booths.

“Okay, hit me with your
best shot,” I challenged him.

“Well, what seems to be the
problem?”

“Have you ever tried your
hardest? I mean taken everything you’ve had and invested it into something big,
really big? You know, into your dream?”

“Sure.”

“And then have that come to
nothing?”

“Yup.”

“Well, that’s where I am
right now.”

The barkeep glanced sideways,
then leaned forward on the bar, “Listen,” he said in a conspiratorial manner, “don’t
just follow your dreams, chase them. Pursue them. Stalk them. Use all your
cunning and guile to sneak up on them from behind and pounce upon them. Wrestle
them to the ground and make them yours. And when they slip through your
fingers, strengthen your grip, practice your holds, and don’t ever, ever, give
up.”

I thought about what he
said for a moment, looked at him and asked “So what happened to you? Did you
give up?”

“No. I didn’t give up. I found my
dream, but I didn’t know what to do once I had it.” He picked up a towel, began
drying a mug and we both lapsed into silence.

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Fiction:
Missives from Possible
Futures #1: Alternate History Search Results by John Scalzi

Dear Customer,

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For your Sample History
Search, you asked to see THE DEATH OF ADOLF HITLER on the date of AUGUST 13,
1908 in VIENNA, AUSTRIA. As it happens, THE DEATH OF ADOLF HITLER is one of our
most popular requests, and Multiversity™ has developed an impressive pre-cached
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As you did not specify the
particular details for THE DEATH OF ADOLF HITLER on AUGUST 13, 1908 in VIENNA,
AUSTRIA, we are proud to offer you a random sampler of scenarios relating to
the disposition of your search. In it you will see how varying the details of
the event you’ve chosen can greatly influence the course of history. This is
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storms these butterflies bring about!

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Scenario #1

Event: ADOLF HITLER is
KILLED by MUGGING ATTEMPT ON THE STEPS OF THE ACADEMY OF FINE ARTS VIENNA

As a result: World War I
proceeds; Weimar Republic proceeds; World War II delayed until 1948; US drops
atomic bomb on Berlin in 1952; Neil Armstrong first man on the moon, 1972

Scenario #2

Event: ADOLF HITLER is
KILLED by OPIUM JUNKIE LOOKING FOR MONEY

As a result: World War I
proceeds; Weimar Republic proceeds; World War II averted; Germany and Britain
form economic union, declare war on France in 1958; Malcolm Evans first man on
the moon, 1975

Scenario #3:

Event: ADOLF HITLER is
KILLED by RUNAWAY HORSE-DRAWN WAGON FILLED WITH BRATWURST, THE FOURTH SUCH
FATALITY IN VIENNA IN SIX DAYS

As a result: Vienna passes
tough horse-drawn vehicle laws, prompting the quick acceptance of automobiles;
Austria becomes automotive industrial powerhouse; World War I proceeds, Germany
and allies win thanks to technological advances; 30s worldwide depression
averted; Willy Brandt first man on the moon, 1958

Scenario #4:

Event: ADOLF HITLER is
KILLED by MULTIPLE KNIFE WOUNDS BY JEALOUS GAY LOVER WHO THINKS HIS BOYFRIEND
IS CHEATING ON HIM WITH HITLER, WHO IN FACT IS TOTALLY INNOCENT AND HASN’T HAD
SEX OF ANY SORT IN MONTHS, MUCH LESS GAY VIENNESE SEX

As a result: The trial of
Felix von Weingartner, director of the Vienna Opera and the closeted, murdering
gay lover in question, shocks and delights Viennese society; Hitler’s
watercolors, formerly unsellable, become a hot commodity on the auction circuit
before the novelty wears off. Hitler’s sister awarded a settlement; World War I
proceeds, Germany and allies win; 30s depression not averted; virulent flu
wipes out 38% of European population; US becomes world power; John Glenn first
man on the moon, 1956

Scenario #5

Event: ADOLF HITLER is
KILLED by SUFFOCATION WHEN INEXPLICABLY ENCASED IN AN ENORMOUS BLOCK OF
UNFLAVORED GELATIN

As a result: Hitler only a
random test subject for Gelatin Encasing Weapon, developed by the Russian
aristocracy from technology pulled out of the spaceship that caused the
Tunguska Event of June 30, 1908; the GEW subsequently used to assassinate
enemies of Tsar Nicholas II, and then world leaders; World War I begins when
Archduke Franz Ferdinand is spontaneously encased in gelatin while riding in a
1911 Graf und Stift Rois De Blougne tourer in Sarajevo and Young Bosnia
opportunistically claims credit; World War I subsequently ends in 1915 when
entire German divisions are gelatinized; Russia becomes sole super power.
Vladimir Putin first man on the moon, 1988

Scenario #6

Event: ADOLF HITLER is
KILLED by BULLET WOUND IN CROSSFIRE BETWEEN TIME-TRAVELING ANTI-NAZIS SENT BACK
TO KILL HIM AND TIME-TRAVELING NAZIS SENT BACK TO PREVENT HIS ASSASSINATION

As a result: Causality loop
annihilates time and space surrounding Vienna, knocking everyone in the city
back to 1529 and the eve of the First Turkish Seige; as the 20th century
Viennese use their historical knowledge to help the 16th Century Viennese,
time-traveling pro-Viennese forces appear and fight a pitched battle with
time-traveling pro-Ottoman forces, pushing everyone back to 955 and the Battle
of Lechfeld; when the time-traveling pro-Magyar forces show up, they are
slaughtered by everyone else which is tired of all this time-traveling crap,
thereby ending the causality loop. Vienna becomes world power; Henry
Jasomirgott first man on the moon, 1155

Scenario #7

Event: ADOLF HITLER is
KILLED by MARATHON FORNICATION BY SIX VIENNESE PROSTITUTES

As a result: Prostitutes
arrested and revealed as libidinous time-travelers from a very sexy future who
teach the Viennese their futuristic ways of astro-pleasure; Janine Lindemulder
first woman on the moon, 1996

Scenario #8

Event: ADOLF HITLER is
KILLED by VAPORIZATION WHEN METEOR HITS HIM SQUARE ON THE HEAD

As a result: No noticeable
historical changes arise from event at all. However, as the meteor is a
precursor to a massive asteroid cruising toward Earth, human history had only
22 hours, 16 minutes to develop from that point before being obliterated.
Humanity wiped out along with Hitler and 93% of all species; society of rats
rises and falls; society of frogs rises and falls; society of pillbugs rises
and falls; society of squid rises and sticks; Gluugsnertgluug first squid on
the moon, 2,973,004,412