Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (7 page)

LT lived alone in a home he had owned for many years, drove a nice BMW, and he gave me his undivided attention. By week three, LT was saying, “I love you, Rhonda. I always have.” And every text and phone call ended with “I love you.” I told my friends and family about how we became reacquainted and how happy I was to be back in his life. He put it on Facebook for all his friends and family to see. I lived in Georgia and he lived in California, but I was willing to try a long-distance relationship with LT. I had forgotten why we broke up years ago. Although I felt something wasn’t quite right about him, the distance would give me time to examine what I really wanted and needed in a man.

One weekend Alabama called and asked what I was doing. After telling him my plans for the evening, I asked him when he was coming back to Atlanta. He said, “I am headed there now. I’ll be crossing over the state line in about twenty minutes.” Butterflies began floating in my stomach and my hands became sweaty. I then said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to town?” I listened, waiting. Finally, “Baby girl, the way you have been traveling, I just thought you might be on a flight somewhere,” he said. We laughed and talked a bit more. Then he told me that he had to meet a few guys from his military unit and inquired if he could see me later.

Have you ever had that weird feeling in your stomach when you know you are about to do some crazy shit— something that won’t make much sense the next day? “Well, if time permits, before I have to meet my girlfriend,” is what I finally said. My hair wasn’t done, and I had no idea what I would wear. He called about two hours later. The first time, I let the call go to voicemail. The second time I answered. He was at the sports bar where we had watched the college games. He was in my neighborhood!

I told him that I would meet him there, but I wouldn’t stay long because I was meeting my girlfriend. He said, “We could just grab a bite to eat and you can carry on with your plans.” I got dressed and headed out. Driving over there my head was spinning and my heart was skipping a beat. I was excited about seeing Mr. Alabama.

I walked into the bar and our eyes met. He gave me a warm hug and a quick kiss. We sat across from each other. And within seconds he came and sat next to me. He was in a Polo pullover, some jeans, and the perfect loafers. Plus, he was smelling good as usual. We ordered our food and began small talk when my phone began ringing. It was my girlfriend. I didn’t answer. She sent a text: “How long before you get to the spot?” I didn’t respond. She called again and again. I received several other calls. I didn’t answer. If Jesus himself had called, I don’t know if I would have answered! Okay, maybe if Jesus called I would have answered, but it would have been a quick talk!

We finished dinner an hour and a half later. He walked me to my car and we reluctantly said goodbye. I called my girlfriend when I got in the car to ask where she was. She said, “Girl, I’m back home.” I made up some story about why I didn’t get her calls or texts, and apologized. I immediately called Mr. Alabama. He was headed back to his hotel. He asked if I was still going out, I told him unfortunately not because my girlfriend had gone back home. He suggested we meet at a lounge, have a drink, and talk some more. I agreed. We had a great night together, and then I went home and went to sleep in my own bed.

The next day I noticed I was missing the necklace I had been wearing the night before. I sent a text message and asked him to look for it. I told him what a great time I had and how nice it was to see him. Moments later, I got a text that read, “No necklace found.” That was it! “No necklace found.” I responded, “Thanks. Yes, I made it home safe. Yes, I am okay, and yes, it was good to see you, too.”

Moments later the phone rang. “Sorry doll, I should have made sure you were okay,” he said. I didn’t hear from him again for over two weeks. I sent a text to see how he was doing. No response. A day or so later, I sent another one. No response. WTF? Didn’t he feel all that amazing energy we shared just weeks prior? Eventually, I heard from him. He said he had had a “family emergency.” Yeah, right and I am the tooth fairy!

He started calling again. I began to ignore his calls. After I didn’t answer a few times, he got the message. It was clear that I liked him and I believe he liked me as well, but I also realized that this relationship was at a standstill. It was never going to go to the next level no matter how many sweet talks we shared or
baby girls
he called me. I took my power back. Today, we still talk on occasions but I hold my ground.

Trying to reconnect, LT and I began to talk on the phone again. We never discussed monogamy per se, but we did talk about a future together. Yet, something had changed. He was still verbally affectionate but still something felt different. Then one Friday night, while I was out with some friends, I received a text message that he had purchased a ticket for me to come to Sacramento. I had mixed feelings about the trip, but I decided to accept his invitation.

That same night while I lay sleeping, I received two calls from an unknown caller, back to back. When I woke up the next morning, I saw the missed calls and listened to the messages. It was a woman who identified herself as “LT’s ex-girlfriend, Linda.” “LT ain’t the man you think he is,” the female voice said. “He’s a liar, a cheater, and he’s been begging me to come back to him for the past month.” As if that were not enough information, in the second message she left her phone number and asked me to please call her. “Listen, I know you know him from college,” she continued, “He’s told me all about you over the past five years. LT is not the same guy you knew in college. Please call me so we can talk. I have e-mails and text messages to prove everything. He has been begging me to come back to him also.” Then she hung up the phone.

I was surprised, shocked, and disgusted all in the same breath. Do single, college sweethearts hunt you down for twenty years, fly you out to see them, take you shopping, drive you down memory lane, say all the right words, massage your feet, tell you they love you and want to marry you, and take you to Vegas only to make their ex-girlfriends jealous enough to want them back? Do they? Yes, they do.

I called Linda back. She talked and I listened. I asked for proof of what she was saying. She forwarded me numerous e-mails and text messages he had sent her over the past few months. Some of them read, “I love you, you are the only woman for me.” “I want to marry you, please call me.” Others were, “No one can ever take your place, I love everything about you.” And, “I miss you so much, please come back.” They were all sent on different dates, at different times, but during the same time he was showering me with so much attention. Now, I was smart enough to know to take everything with a grain of salt because I had been in Linda’s shoes before. I’ve called the other woman to tell her the “truth” so that I could “protect” her from the pain and lies, and all that other stuff. Yet, some of this was indisputable. I was perplexed. What did all this mean?

I wasn’t angry. I was surprised and caught off guard. I had been here before. It was quite familiar. I knew the drama all too well. I knew the break up, the make up, the in-between relationships, the fear of letting go, the fear of someone else getting “my man,” and the ego-based holding on. Yep. Been there, done that. I called LT and shared with him what I had learned. Of course he denied it and called her the infamous “crazy” and said she was just trying to mess things up for him.
I have heard that
somewhere before,
but I digress yet again. When it was all said and done, I told my old college friend that it appears he had some unfinished business with his “ex”-girlfriend. I bid them both good luck and went on about my life. Both Alabama and LT were amazing parts of my journey toward understanding single men and myself.

Lesson Learned from Mr. Alabama

When a single guy says, “I am not looking for a relationship. I like being single,” believe him! Appreciate him for his courage and realness. This type of single guy is a rare commodity. If you choose to continue to date him and it does not materialize into love, even after your sexiness, beauty, long talks, great laughs, wonderful dinners, and love-making, you cannot be mad at him. He was honest. But remember, if he likes you at all, he will continue to partake of the goodies as often as you let him. He will continue to call and hang around as long as the situation works for him. If he doesn’t like you or isn’t attracted to you, you won’t have this problem. He will be long gone after he gets the goodies the first time. Shout out to Mr. Alabama! I love that guy.

Lesson Learned from LT, My College Sweetheart

Even when a single guy lives alone, says and does all the right things, takes you shopping, makes you laugh, kisses your hand while driving, tells everyone in his circle that he found you again, and tells you he loves you and promises to marry you, there are still no guarantees about his faithfulness and who holds his heart. So be patient, be careful, and make sure you get what you want and need out of the situation. Even if the old girlfriend comes back, you can move on, knowing that you gained something— besides another lesson. LT and I remain friends but it was a situation best left in the past. What I learned from all of this was that I needed to slow down.

Remember, single means there is room for you, but sometimes the wall around a man’s heart is too thick to penetrate. We have to ask the same questions about men that they ask about us. Why are you single if you have all these great qualities? Sometimes they are hiding secrets or haven’t told you the whole story. Dating is all fun and games (meaning no real expectations) until you are both committed and married. If you have a man that you like, enjoy what you have with him when you are together and take your time before escalating your feelings and the relationship to the next level. It all must be mutual in order for it to work.

Chapter 4
The Man Looking for Love

T
his man is a rare commodity. The disturbing thing for the man who wrote the letter that follows is that women have been put through so much foolishness that it’s hard to decipher between the jackass and the man who genuinely wants love. But if I had to show you a letter from a man looking for love, this would be it.

Love Letter to Rhonda

Rhonda, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings
with me today. You are a beautiful woman with a wonderful
spirit. I’m very happy that you’re comfortable enough with
me to share some of your personal thoughts, experiences,
and emotions. That means more to me than words could
ever express. You’re something very special, Rhonda—a
gift. I felt something unique about you when I first saw the
flash of your precious smile and the gleam in your eyes.
Your pictures portray the warmth and gentleness that is
reflected in your letter to me. Meeting you is no accident.
I am certain that our meeting was predetermined by a
higher power to let us both know that we can find our
heart’s desire again, if we are patient. You are the essence
of what I want in my life as my friend, lover, and partner.
What I feel in my heart toward you is not a crush nor an
infatuation. It is a genuine admiration for your style, grace,
and personality. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m
saying to you. I realize we just met and there is soooo
much we have to learn about each other. But, you have
my full, undivided attention. I’m very poised, very patient,
and understanding. Rhonda, I know an angel with only
one wing, with a song in his heart he has yet to sing. He
wanders without aim between earth and sky, searching for
his soulmate to help him fly. He asked the Lord one lonely
night, “With only one wing, Lord, will I ever take flight?”
The Lord then answered in his mysterious way, “The wing
you are missing will find you one day. I created my angels
with only one wing, each one a king in search of his
queen. When you see her, then you’ll know why. She too
is without aim between earth and sky. Until that time,
angel, don’t lose sight. Your missing wing is searching
tonight. And when she finds you, then you’ll finally see,
that your wings joined together will set you free.” I have
been waiting for my missing wing and I may have found
her. Seeing and meeting you on this site some time ago,
then canceling my membership approximately the same
time you did, then coming back within literally days of you
rejoining is no accident. I am certain that our meeting
was predetermined by a higher power. However, I will
reluctantly fade away into the background if you’re not
interested in pursuing something serious with me. And
I will always wonder, “Are you my other wing?” And what
a life with you would have been like. Will I ever know?
I hope so.

Very truly yours,
Nathaniel

Rhonda

Wow, what a letter! First and foremost, I discovered through the editing process that the “wing” portion of this lovely letter was from a poem written by
RosesAreBlue
so we want to ensure they get proper credit for their poetry. I guess we have to start “Google-ing” our love letters now to make sure they are authentic works. Wow! On to the point, there is something to be said about a man who can put a love letter together. But there is more to be said about a woman who can see past the words and get to the heart of the man writing it. I loved Nathaniel’s letter. It was very touching, but something made me question his sincerity. Intuitively, I felt I needed to pay close attention.

Nathaniel’s Internet picture revealed a handsome man, in his mid-forties, probably six foot four or so; brown skin, nice teeth, muscular, large frame, nice wavy salt and pepper hair, and a friendly smile. He photographed himself. He was seated in a Hummer, a fitting vehicle for someone his size. We had many long conversations. We talked about me caring for my dad who was suffering from Alzheimer’s, and he thought I was quite compassionate. We also talked about our children, our jobs, our desires, and our goals. He informed me that he owned a successful business, that he was settled, and that he was looking for a wife who he could love. Our conversations were more of the usual getting to know someone chatter.