White Trash Damaged (13 page)

“I don’t want me being here to affect the band, and if that is the case, I’m happy to leave.”

He didn’t respond, so I continued to ramble nervously.

“You know, Sarah likes you. Things between her and Derek are complicated.”

“I’m aware of her situation with Derek,” he replied quietly.

“Maybe you could talk to him.”

“I know you are trying to help, but I don’t need it or want it. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

This time I laughed.

“Which part don’t I understand? The jealous ex-boyfriend? Uncontrollable anger and violent tendencies? Or being in love with someone you can’t be with?”

He looked up again, nodding in understanding. There was a long pregnant pause as I pushed around a piece of the radio with my foot.

“She’s perfect for me. She’s funny and beautiful and she doesn’t look at me like I’m some raging asshole.”

“No one thinks you’re an asshole.”

He raised an eyebrow, and I giggled, nodding my head.

“Okay, that isn’t entirely true, but they all love you. You wouldn’t be a part of this band if they didn’t.”

“They won’t if I keep doing shit like this.”

“So stop.”

“It’s not that simple, Cass.”

“Yes, it is. Do you want to lose everything? Your band? Your friends?”

“This band is my entire life.”

“Then you need to act like it.”

The door to the bus opened, and Tucker stepped inside, clearing his throat. I pushed up from the bunk and placed my hand on Eric’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” he said, and I could see in his eyes he was sincere. I smiled and made my way to the front of the bus.

T
HE NEXT FEW
weeks flew by as the guys played concert after concert. One show blurred into the next, every city looked the same, and my body was screaming for a break from the constant travel. I wouldn’t change a thing though. After Eric and I talked, the band seemed to be growing closer, and I felt like I fit in with all of them. Sarah and I spent our free time shopping and just hanging out while the guys continued to work out the logistics of bringing a new manager on board. Sarah had confided in me that she and Derek were trying to work things out, and I was happy for her, but worried about how Eric would react when he found out.

“You think she’s pretty?” Sarah doodled in her notebook as I tried to figure out the last line of my poem.

“Who?” I tapped my pen against my paper to the beat of my song. The guys had been practicing the song I wrote for
weeks, and tonight they were finally going to play it in front of a crowd.

“This new manager chick. I bet she’s a rock-star groupie.”

“Come on. I’m sure she’s just another Dorris.”

“You’re not the slightest bit worried?”

“Nope.”

“You’re a better woman than I am.” She went back to doodling, and I glanced up at her, chewing on my lip. I hadn’t given the new manager much thought, but now the seed of doubt had been planted. I already knew she wasn’t thrilled about Tucker bringing his girlfriend on the road, but he assured me that he had made it clear I won’t be going anywhere and that I was earning my keep with song lyrics.

“How bad could she be? It’s not like the guys are going to put up with any bullshit. I trust their judgment.” But I knew Tucker had major reservations about hiring her. If things started off rocky, I was going to grit my teeth and deal with it because I had pushed him to do what was best for the band, regardless of her opinion about me being on tour with them.

“You’re probably right. What you and Tucker have doesn’t come around often.”

“Everything okay with you and Derek?” Sarah was being unusually negative.

She stopped drawing and sniffled.

“What’s going on? You know you can talk to me.”
It felt good to be a friend to someone. Sarah had been a tremendous help as I adjusted to this new lifestyle.

“He’s been really distant, and I know our on again–off again relationship has been hell on the band. If I have to choose between him and our future, I feel like I have to follow my dreams.”

“I’m so sorry, Sarah.”

“We should get ready. I have to rehearse soon.”

I nodded, and we didn’t speak anymore about her relationship falling apart. I could tell there was more going on than what she was saying, but she wasn’t ready to share it, so I didn’t push. I knew how that felt.

I grabbed my new bag of makeup from under the bathroom sink, and we got to work on getting ourselves concert ready. I was warming up to doing all of the girly rituals that I had avoided for most of my life. It felt good to take care of myself, to try to look my best. Sarah painted herself in heavy black eyeliner and dark lipstick, while I made myself look natural and fresh faced. Our styles were polar opposites, but I couldn’t imagine finding a better friend or confidante in anyone else.

“You want to borrow one of my dresses?” she asked as she shook out her hair. I rolled my eyes and carefully applied clear lip gloss to my mouth.

“Tucker would have a fit. You remember the little black dress incident.” I laughed.

“You looked hot, and from what I remember he couldn’t keep his hands off you.” She cocked an eyebrow at my reflection in the mirror of the tiny bathroom.

“Neither could that pervert at the after-party.” I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling it over my shoulder as I inspected my face.

“So now you dress according to how some loser acts? Tucker is a great guy, but it isn’t his decision, and it’s not his job to protect you from the world. You’re a big girl. You can take care of yourself.”

My memories flashed to Jax and my inability to stand up for myself with him. If it hadn’t been for Tucker, I probably wouldn’t have survived that last night with him. But that threat was long gone, and I couldn’t continue to live my life being worried about the rest of the world.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Really?” She practically squealed as she pulled me from the bathroom and we made our way to her bus to find something to wear. I loved dressing up more than I let on. It reminded me of the day Tucker took me to Scarlett’s and bought me that beautiful dress, our first unofficial date. It was the first time in a very long time that I had felt beautiful. I had closed myself off to people, but that night Tucker had convinced me to dance with him and I enjoyed myself more than I had in years.

After a half an hour of rummaging through her mountain
of clothing, we decided on a sweet little flowy black skirt and matching black T-shirt that was skintight and revealed a tiny sliver of skin at the waist. Sarah changed into head-to-toe black as well, but she completed her look with ripped black fishnet stockings and army boots.

“What do you think?” she asked, spinning around.

“You look like a rock star.”

“That was the goal.” She laughed.

Sarah took off for practice, and I decided to take a walk and get to see some of North Carolina before we were off to another state. As much as we traveled, I rarely saw anything outside of the bus. The weather was perfect, not too hot or too cold. The area had a very small-town feel to it with rolling pastures, and it made me miss home for the first time since I had left to go on tour with Tucker.

I only made it a few blocks before the familiar sound of Tucker’s bike approached me from behind. He pulled off the side of the road and took off his helmet, running his hand through his messy hair.

“What brings you out here all by yourself?” he asked, and I turned to face him, shielding my eyes from the bright sun.

“Taking in the scenery.”

He knocked down the kickstand with his boot and leaned his bike onto it, standing and stretching as his eyes scanned the fields.

“Mind if I join you?”

“Of course not.” I gave him a smile and held out my hand for him. He wrapped his fingers around mine, and we began to walk slowly through the grass. “You look amazing, by the way.”

I couldn’t help but grin at his compliment.

“I was worried you wouldn’t like it.”

“How could I not like it?” He bumped me with his shoulder playfully.

“After the pervert at the after-party . . .” I let my voice trail off as Tucker stopped walking and turned to face me.

“I was upset. No one likes to have some asshole putting his hands all over his girlfriend, but I overreacted about the dress. It wasn’t your fault, and if I made you feel like that was somehow your fault . . . well, I’m sorry.”

I leaned in, placing a soft kiss on his lips, my eyes falling closed. His hand pushed against the small of my back, pulling my body closer to his.

“I’ve been stressing a lot lately with the tour and new manager, and it isn’t fair to take that shit out on you.”

“I think we could both use a little break from all of this craziness,” I said as I took a step back from his arms. His eyebrows pulled together in worry as he tried to figure out where I was going with this.

I fumbled with the hem of my shirt before I took in a quick, deep breath and tugged it over my head and let it fall to the ground beside me. Tucker stepped forward, his fingers tangling in my hair as he pressed his mouth against mine hard. I let my
lips part as I slipped my fingers under the edge of his shirt, running them over the ridges of his stomach. He groaned and released my hair, yanking his shirt over his head before his body was back against mine like a magnet.

“You sure about this?” he mumbled against my lips. I grabbed the button of his jeans, letting him know I wasn’t going to change my mind. His hand slid up my side, and his fingers traced the delicate fabric of my bra.

I was tired of worrying, and I needed to get lost in the moment, needed to forget our past. Tucker slowly lowered me to the grass, his fingers brushing the hair from my forehead as he stared into my eyes.

“I love you, Cass. I know things have been difficult with all that is going on, but I don’t want you to do something you aren’t ready for. We have forever, sweetheart. I promise.”

“I love you, Tucker.” I closed my eyes, smiling like a fool as the sunshine warmed my face. He rolled beside me, taking my hand in his.

“When all this is over, I want a big yard like this. No people for miles. Just us,” he said.

“I never want to leave this place,” I whispered. His fingers squeezed mine and my heart sank. “We should make the time worthwhile.” I grinned as I raised up on my elbow beside him. I leaned over and gave him a kiss, coaxing his lips open with my tongue. He groaned again, his arms circling my waist and pulling me down on him. I straddled his body as one of his
hands slid up my side and tangled in my hair. The other gripped onto my butt and held me tight against his body. I slowly rocked my hips against his, and he let out a small moan in the back of his throat as he deepened our kiss. I missed having time alone with Tucker. We needed more of it to grow as a couple, but I was willing to take any opportunity I could get. My hands slid over his toned chest. I could feel his heartbeat pounding back against my fingertips. I loved that even with thousands of girls screaming his name at his concerts, I was still able to make him feel excited. It was empowering. His hips began to move with mine, his jeans rubbing hard against me. I panted into his mouth, getting lost in how amazing his touch felt. His lips left mine as he kissed a trail over my jaw to my throat. His fingers slid over my shoulder. He pushed the cup of my bra below my breast as his thumb, calloused from playing his guitar, ran over my nipple, causing it to pebble under his touch.

“If we don’t stop now, I won’t be able to.” His words sent a burst of heat radiating through my core. I didn’t want him to stop, but I didn’t want our first time of making love since we got back together to be in a field. I reluctantly sat up, struggling to catch my breath as I pulled my bra back into place.

“We should go.” I slid off Tucker and grabbed my shirt, pulling it down over my head. Tucker sat beside me, reaching over and pulling a piece of grass from my hair and tossing it aside.

The ride back was short, but I forgot how much I loved being on the back of Tucker’s bike. It felt good to hang on to him and just escape. I wished we had more moments like this.

When we got back to the bus, we didn’t have much time before the concert, and I was incredibly excited to hear my words being sung onstage to thousands of people. Tucker had been working on it for a few days and had yet to let me hear him sing it. I was nervous to hear my words coming from his mouth, in front of thousands of people, no less. I was practically bouncing off the walls. Backstage, Eric questioned whether I was on drugs. I laughed and told him that for the first time in a long time, I was just high on life.

“I feel like I am finally figuring out who I want to be,” I said.

“I’m glad. I was worried how this whole tour thing would work out,” Tucker said.

I wrapped my arms around Tucker’s waist and squeezed him.

“Nothing worthwhile is ever easy,” I said.

“That’s good. You should put that in your next song.” He smiled down at me. We stared at each other for a long moment before his smile faded and his body tensed under my arms.

“What is it?” I pulled back slightly to get a better look at his face.