What the Heart Desires (Contemporary Erotic Romance) (13 page)

Sometimes Kimberly’s own thoughts disturbed her.  It seemed she’d gone from being an innocent virgin to a sexual deviant practically overnight.  She didn’t know if her dark desires had always been lurking inside her or if Garrett brought something filthy out in her. 

“Oh!”
  Garrett grunted, his face contorting in pleasure.  She could tell he was ejaculating.  Part of her wished she could feel him spurting inside her.  She knew making him wear a condom was the responsible thing to do, but he brought out an animalistic need in her.  She wanted him to claim her completely.

When it was over,
Garrett rolled off of Kimberly and yawned loudly.  “You staying or do you want me to call you a cab?” he asked.

Stupid little comments like that got to Kimberly no matter how much she tried to brush them off.  Felix would never just cast her aside after sex like it – and she – meant nothing. 

“Do you want me to go?” she asked stiffly, her tone even and measured.

Oblivious to her annoyance,
Garrett shrugged.  “Do whatever you want,” he said as he pulled the luxurious white duvet up around himself.

“So you’re just…going to sleep?” Kimberly asked, unable to ignore
Garrett’s nonchalant behavior any longer.

“Well, yeah,”
Garrett replied.  “I’m tired.  I was up late last night.”

“What’s new,” Kimberly muttere
d, yanking the duvet over to her side of the bed.

When
Garrett felt his covers being pulled off, he rolled over to face Kimberly.  “What’s with you?” he demanded.  “If I didn’t know better I’d say your panties were in a bunch,” he said, chuckling at his own lewd joke.  They both knew full well that her panties were lying in a crumpled heap on the floor.

“It’s the end of August,”
Kimberly said softly, almost not wanting to say the words aloud.

“And…?”
Garrett prompted.  The significance was clearly lost on him.

“Felix and I agreed he’d come here at the end of the summer,” she said.  “He’s flying in tomorrow night so we can…talk, I guess.”

“So what’s the verdict?” Garrett wanted to know, propping his head up on his hand and looking at her.  “Should I start referring to Not-Husband as ‘Not-Boyfriend’ after tomorrow?”

“I don’t know,”
she confessed, wishing desperately that she did have an answer.  “Part of me misses him, but I’m still not sure I want what he wants.  I don’t want to string him along – it’s not right.” 

“So dump him,”
Garrett told her.

She hated how he was so cavalier about the whole thing. 
“It’s not that easy,” she protested, feeling annoyed.

“Sure it is,”
Garrett insisted.  “You act like he’s this precious, vulnerable little snowflake who will be damaged by your rejection – bullshit.  He’ll get over you.  Hell, he’ll probably be fucking someone else within a week!”

“You’re such an asshole,” Kimberly finally exploded.  She
threw back the covers, prepared to climb out of bed and storm out of the hotel.

“Hey,”
Garrett protested, putting a hand on her thigh to stop her.  “Get back in bed.  I was only trying to help.  But you’re right about me being an asshole.  I’m sorry for all the times I’ve been an asshole and all the times in the future that I will inevitably be an asshole, okay?”

Kimberly
felt some of her anger subside.  Most people would take offense at being called names, but not Garrett.  Instead, he embraced the criticism, owned it and apologized for it.  Of course, he made no promise to change and would likely make no effort to change, but maybe that was part of his bad boy charm.

She did settle back under the covers, but her arms were crossed and her jaw was clenched.  This wasn’t lost on
Garrett.  He reached over and tickled her until she finally started giggling despite her best efforts to remain stoic.

She loved and hated the way
Garrett did things like that.  He always eased the tension by doing something dumb, like telling a joke or making a face.  It was infuriating, sometimes, that he seemed to be incapable of talking through a problem like an emotionally mature human being.

“How should I break the news to Felix tomorrow?” Kimberly asked once she’d pushed
Garrett’s hands away and regained her composure.  “I want to make it as easy on him as possible.  You
do
think I should be breaking up with him, right?”

“What does it matter what I think?  You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do regardless,”
Garrett observed, appearing to be bored with the conversation.  “I’m going to sleep.  Unless,” he said, giving her suggestive look, “you’re up for round two.” 

“Ugh,” she retorted, swinging her pillow at him.  “Goodnight!”

Seeing Felix again after an entire summer apart was strange.  They’d sent the occasional text message, but for the most part, they’d kept communication at a minimum.  That, Kimberly supposed, was the whole point of taking a break.

Prior to laying eyes on him, she’d thought she knew what she needed to do.  She’d played the scenario out in her mind over and over, rehearsing and revising what she intended to say to him.  There was no easy way to tell him it was over, but she’d made up her mind that she’d try to do it with compassion and kindness.  She owed that much to Felix.

When she saw the taxi pull up outside her apartment building, Kimberly’s plan crumbled.  Suddenly her insides were twisted in knots and her mind was racing in a thousand different directions at once.

It got even worse when Felix stepped out of the taxi, duffel bag in hand, and she met him at the door. 

He looked good.  His hair
was slightly longer than she was used to; now it nearly brushed against his starched shirt collar.  The look suited him.  It was as though that one small change made him seem less stiff and uptight.  She tried to read his eyes behind his glasses but was unsuccessful.

“Hi,” he said, looking unsure of himself.  Normally this was where he’d kiss her hello.  Clearly he wasn’t sure where they stood, either.

“Hi,” Kimberly said, impulsively reaching out and wrapping her arms around his neck.  He dropped his duffel bag and wrapped both arms around her waist.  The smell of his aftershave was familiar and comforting.  She leaned her head against his shoulder and inhaled deeply, savoring the moment.

“We should talk,” he said.

“We should.”

~~~

The conversation was superficial at first.  They danced around the real issues, chatting instead about Felix’s career, Kimberly’s classes and any other “safe” topic they could think of. 

The conversation wasn’t all that stimulating.  Felix didn’t keep Kimberly in stitches the way
Garrett did.  He didn’t tell amusing anecdotes or brag in such an over-the-top way that it was comical.  He wasn’t the life of the party or a natural born storyteller. 

But he hung on Kimberly’s every word.

Felix genuinely wanted to hear about Kimberly’s summer.  He wanted to know how she’d been.  He
listened
to everything she said and asked questions that made it obvious he cared.  He was attentive and earnest, respectful and engaged.  He cared.  That much, she could tell.

Of course, Kimberly left out the
part about screwing Garrett.  Technically she and Felix had been on a break so she hadn’t cheated, but she nonetheless didn’t know how to explain it.  She could barely make sense of the odd arrangement herself.  Besides, there was no point telling Felix anything that would only hurt him.

As they talked, Kimberly found herself longing for the way things had been before she’d moved – before
Garrett.  She’d forgotten how nice it was to be with someone who built her up, looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman on earth and worshipped the ground she walked on. 

Like a puppy, Felix was completely, utterly devoted to her.  His loyalty was undeniable.  In fact, he admitted he hadn’t dated anyone all summer long.  He said he’d been busy at the university.  Kimberly was sure that was part of it, but suspected he’d also been patiently waiting for her.

She felt a sudden pang of guilt over what she’d done with Garrett.

Garrett
.

He rarely asked how her day was and when he did, she wasn’t certain he even paid attention to her response.  He liked to wine and dine her, but his dismissive attitude after sex stung.  So did his offhand comments about not wanting a relationship or commitment of any kind. 

Sometimes it made her feel worthless.  Garrett probably didn’t mean to hurt her feelings but the simple fact was that he wasn’t as considerate as Felix.  He didn’t think before he spoke.  He didn’t consider Kimberly’s feelings until they’d already been hurt. 

Charisma, charm and chemistry were important.  That, Kimberly couldn’t deny.  But were they everything?  Wasn’t there something to be said for security and dedication and consideration? 

“It’s getting late,” Felix commented, his words derailing Kimberly’s train of thought.  “Do you mind if I grab a pillow and blanket from the linen closet?” he asked, gesturing to the couch. 

“You don’t want to sleep there,” Kimberly heard herself saying as if on autopilot.  “The couch is lumpy;
it will give you a sore back.”

One thing led to another and before she could even comprehend what was happening, Kimberly was in Felix’s arms.  They were in her bedroom.  They were on her bed.  His hands were on her, his mouth was on her and then, before she knew it, he was inside of her.

There were no fireworks, but the sex was sweet and unassuming and it felt so good to be in Felix’s arms.  To be with someone whose intentions were clear and whose heart was an open book was refreshing, to say the least.  In that moment, Kimberly realized how much she missed Felix and the way he made her feel. 

Afterwards, Felix held Kimberly close.  She could feel his skin against hers and she could hear the slow, steady beat of his heart.  She couldn’t help it: she began to cry.

“What is it?” he asked immediately, concerned.  “What’s wrong?”

“I…I’m just happy,” she
tried to explain, knowing that it sounded stupid.  “I didn’t realize how much I’d missed you and now you’re here and…it’s just a lot,” she finished lamely. 

“Oh, Kimberly,” he whispered, kissing her forehead softly like he always did.  “I’ve missed you too.”  After a moment’s pause, he said, “I assume this means we’re no longer taking a break?”

She was quiet for a moment.  “No, I guess not,” she finally agreed. 

The tears kept coming.  This time, they weren’t tears of happiness.  They were tears of
mourning, tinged with longing and regret.  She knew that she couldn’t see Garrett anymore.  Even if they stopped having sex and just went back to being friends, it would be like playing with fire. 

She couldn’t have both Felix and
Garrett.  That much was obvious.  Of course, Kimberly had always known that, but now she actually had to face it.  It was a harsh and unwelcome reality.

As nice as it was to fall asleep in Felix’s arms, Kimberly’s heart was heavy.
 

After spending the night with Felix, Kimberly had sent Garrett a text message.  She’d explained that she and Felix were giving their relationship another go and because of that, she couldn’t see Garrett anymore. 

Maybe it was flaky to break the news to
Garrett via text message.  It seemed so cold and impersonal.  But Kimberly didn’t think she could trust herself to meet up with Garrett in person.  At least the spark between them wasn’t so blinding in text.

Kimberly had expected something from
Garrett.  She didn’t know what; maybe it would be a sarcastic retort or an expression of indifference.  But she expected
something
.  Instead, she got nothing.

In her mind, that only reaffirmed her decision to try to make things work with Felix.
  Garrett, apparently, didn’t even care enough to respond.

Time marched on.

Kimberly and Felix started talking on the phone every night again.  Sometimes they made idle chit chat about absolutely nothing.  Other times, they planned for the future.

Both their careers were important to them, but the fact of the matter was Kimberly’s dream job was in the city.  She couldn’t relocate.  Felix could.  It would mean sacrifices for him – significant sacrifices.  He wouldn’t get tenure for years, if ever.  He might even have to start out teaching at a community college instead of a university.  But he assured Kimberly he was willing to do it if that’s what it took to make their relationship work.

They considered moving in together.  Economically, it made the most sense.  Eventually, though, they both agreed to take things slow as planned.  Living together was the opposite of taking things slow.  So the plan was for Felix to find a place of his own in the city.

In the meantime, he worked extra hard at the university, both to earn extra money for the move and to build up his already stellar reputation.  It meant he wasn’t able to visit Kimberly, but she understood.  She didn’t mind sacrificing time with Felix in the short term if it meant he’d soon be living in the same city as her.  Besides, she was pretty busy herself what with work and school.