What Love Looks Like (12 page)

        
A
man who appeared to be the owner sat us at a cozy corner booth. For the second
time, I was pleased with the restaurant Jay selected and hoped that he’d
finally start doing some talking and maybe allude to what had upset him the
night before. Immediately, we both perused the menu as a waitress brought over
two coffee cups and automatically filled them for us.

        
“Cream
and sugar, please?” I asked. She smiled and quickly went to fill my request. I
sipped the ice-cold water that she set down. “Last night was fun.”

        
Jay
looked up from his menu, his eyes bewitching me as I speculated what could possibly
be on his mind. “Which part?” he asked and then winked at me.

“All of it. Your
friends are nice. And I really like your cousin too. And when we got back . . .
well, that was great also.”

He smiled at
last and put his menu down on the table and closed it. “Last night was fun. And
I know I got weird at the end.” I nodded. “But you,” he said, “are just so . .
. different.”

“Good
different?”

        
“Very
good different. Sex with you is probably, like, the best I’ve ever had.” He
made no effort to speak in hushed tones. I blushed, and he continued. “You’re
just so fucking sexy.”

His words sent
my heart into a state of bliss and my stomach into a state of butterflies. I
felt on top of the world; lusted after and desired for the first time in ages.
The guy of my dreams, the edgy, sexy, gorgeous golden boy, was interested in
me.
He loved having sex. With
me!

        
“I’m
glad you feel that way,” I said. “I like being with you too.”

        
“But
you don’t understand. There’s something different about the way I feel with you.”

        
Jay
paused for a moment as the waitress dropped off my cream and sugar. Apparently,
he took his coffee black. The waitress took our orders—steak and eggs for
him and a veggie omelet for me. She was eyeing Jay as she walked away, but
perhaps she was eyeing us both. Was there any chance in the world that I
actually looked as if I belonged with him?

        
“You
were saying?” I asked.

        
“I
am not the guy you think.” I feared what would come next.

        
“What
do you mean?”

        
“I’ve
dated a lot of women. A lot. And slept with a lot. You’d be shocked to know how
many—”

        
“Okay,
okay. That’s enough.” I felt a mounting queasiness; whether it was from my
hangover or from his words I wasn’t certain. But I couldn’t bear to hear any
more about his conquests. “Jay, this isn’t news to me. Your cousin mentioned
something last night. Plus, I’ve seen you.” For the very first time, I noticed
a faint blush emerging in his cheeks. “I know how women are toward you. You’re
a very good-looking guy, and I’d be shocked if you hadn’t been with a whole
horde of girls by now, especially in a city like this.”

        
“But
Elle, I swear to God, it’s different with you. You’re just so—so natural.
And sweet.”

        
He’d
outted himself as the player that Shawn said he was, and I didn’t know what to
think of him anymore. He'd confirmed he was exactly the kind of guy she’d
described; I had it straight from the horse’s mouth. I’d found the shoebox of
girls' things, but he’d come clean about this in a roundabout way. He didn’t
deny who he really was. But were these “you’re different from the rest” lines
just the same ones he used with everyone? Was he saying this only because we
had to spend the next twenty-four hours together? Or did he really mean there
was something more to this than just sexual attraction?

“Look, Jay. I
have no expectations here. We live in different cities. We only see each other
occasionally. And I think you’re great too, but whatever you’re trying to tell
me, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain,” And I paused because I didn’t really
even know what he was trying to say to me. I knew I wanted more, but I couldn’t
put that out there without him expressing it first.

“That’s what I
like about you,” he said. “You’re so confident. It’s like you don’t give a
shit. You have your own life. Most girls are so needy.”

If only he knew
what an act my so-called confidence was. My charade of being Miss
I-Don’t-Need-You and lying about doing things at night just to seem more
interesting had worked. But it wasn’t real. The only difference between his
other conquests and me was that I was a better actress. All those nights of
forcing myself not to call him, of ignoring his texts for an hour before
responding, and of pretending I had plenty of amazing things to do when I was
home doing nothing—they'd had an impact on him. They’d paid off. There
was a lesson in there somewhere; I’d have to remember to jot it down and share
it with single girls everywhere, once my head stopped spinning from my
thrilling conversation with Jay.

“I’m in New
York, you’re in Columbus,” he said. “It’s not like we’re in two different
countries.” It was a rational point. “I need more. It’s hard for me to say
this, because I never thought I’d be
that
guy.”

“
What
guy?”

“The guy who
falls for a chick he barely knows who lives hundreds of miles away.”

“But in the same
country,” I said, smirking. I was striving to maintain my composure and not
become ridiculously dizzy. It felt as if the skin on my face was bright red. I
felt flushed everywhere. I could have stayed in the café for hours, just discussing
us
with Jay
.

“I’m serious,
Elle.” God, I loved when he said my name. It made it all so much more real.
“I’m not good at this stuff.

“What stuff?”

“Relationship
stuff.”

Relationship
. There it was—he'd said it. The word I’d been waiting for.
Relationship
. I had been clinging to a
tiny sliver of hope that the word might just leave his lips. It was so much
better than
fling
or
affair
or
liaison
. It meant there would be a next time.

“Is that what
you want, Jay? A relationship?” I looked at him, purposely biting my lip to
seduce him.

“I think I do.”
He seemed unable to make eye contact.

“And the
long-distance thing?”

“We can take
turns visiting each other.”

“And you’re sure
you want this? Because given your past, you need to know that a relationship is
really different than what you’re used to.”

“Fuck it, I’m
thirty-one. I need to take a break from this crazy party scene. New York is off
the hook,” he said.

Okay, not the
most romantic answer in the world, but it was a start. Jay Conrad wanted to
give it a go with me. The man across from me, for whom I'd had such deep
feelings from the start, had admitted to having the same feelings for me. From
the moment he walked into East Coast Prime, I wanted every ounce of him, every
cell in his body, every hair on his head. And now he'd confirmed that our
connection wasn’t all in my mind.

Our food was
delivered, and we both took infrequent bites as we talked more about the
logistics of our future and the way in which we met. It was bliss incarnate.
Paradise in New York City.

“I’ll come back
to Columbus next month, and then you can come back here the following month,”
he said.

It all sounded
so easy. He was making plans! Albeit the plans were vague, but they were better
than nothing. Part of me wanted to let him know that if things ever got really
serious that I’d gladly move to New York. I was in love with the city. But I
knew that expressing to much too soon was the ultimate blunder when it came to
dealing with a guy like him.

When we woke
earlier that morning, Jay was quiet and unreadable. But by lunchtime we were
discussing a long-distance relationship. My luck had changed so rapidly that I
could barely digest everything that had taken place. I was in the greatest city
in the world with a guy who gave me feelings I’d never had before. What were
we? Boyfriend and girlfriend? A torrid connection like ours made such titles
sound so juvenile.

Jay held my hand
all afternoon as we roamed the streets of New York. The weather was pleasant
for a change, and the warmth of his presence made the chill in the wind feel
refreshing. We walked the NYU campus and to Union Square, then took the subway
to Lincoln Center and then back again. We were completely winging our way
through the day, and the spontaneity felt incredible. We alternated cab rides
and subway trips, but mostly we went where our feet took us. Occasionally, we’d
pop into a store to look at something in the window or into a café for a
cappuccino, but mostly we were on the move.

We
were back at Jay’s place by dusk, where we stripped down to nothing but our
under things. We lined up our bodies at the foot of his bed so that we were
face-to-face, pressing the entire length of ourselves together. His chilly
hands caressed the small of my back as his lips nipped at my neck. I twirled my
hands through his gorgeously untamed hair as he suddenly grabbed my rear end
with force. His fingers crawled up inside me from behind, his favorite way to
get things started.

He
shoved me onto his bed, and I was instantly on all fours as his fingers
penetrated me. I was wet, so there was little friction. He caressed me with one
hand as he inserted his fingers into me with the other. Even in this way, he
was a masterful lover. I reached climax quickly, and he then flipped me over onto
my back. He lifted my legs in the air and stroked me again. I was so sensitive
that I had to push his hand away. He laughed devilishly and grabbed my ankles,
holding them high above his shoulders. My rear end lifted an inch from his bed
as he forced himself into me. I couldn’t help but cry, “
Oh Jay.
”
 
He said
nothing, just rammed me until he exploded onto my stomach. There was nothing
romantic about it, but it felt damn good, and the expression on his face made
any ounce of pain I’d endured worth it.

He tossed me a towel, walked into his bathroom, and closed the
door behind him. After wiping the few drops of bodily fluid that had escaped
the condom off my stomach I crawled back under the covers.
I closed my eyes for a moment and drifted off
into a hazy nap until a faint buzzing noise awoke me at eight o’clock. I saw
Jay’s phone vibrating on the nightstand next to him where he slept. I reached
over him to swipe it silent, and caused him to wake.

“What are you
doing?” he asked. I’d clearly startled him.

        
“Just
turning your alarm off.”

        
“Oh.
I set it so we wouldn’t oversleep.” He said tersely. I gathered from his
inflection he didn’t want me touching his phone.

        
“I’m
going to take a quick shower.” I exited the bed as he turned over onto his
side, privately scrolling through his phone.

        
I
had to wash my hair, which smelled like smoke from all the time spent in Jay’s
apartment. I’d have to wear it wavy for the night since I wouldn’t have time to
blow it out. I tousled it briefly after my shower and applied dark eye makeup
with nude lipstick. I walked out of the bathroom naked and noticed Jay in the
kitchen, already fully dressed and looking dapper as ever.

        
“I
like you naked, your tits are perfect.” He said.

        
“I
feel a little underdressed for dinner.” I winked at him. He smiled and handed
me an espresso, which I sipped as I finished dressing. I slipped on a slightly
cropped black top under a black blazer, along with dark flared J Brands, and
yet again my black booties.

        
“You
look great,” he said as we left the apartment.

“Thanks. Where
are we off to?” I asked as we strolled down the stairs and out onto a very
lively Mercer Street.

        
“A
place called Epistrophy.” He didn't elaborate. As usual, a few girls that
passed us by ogled him openly. But I didn’t care because he gripped my hand
tightly, as if I were the only other person in the world that mattered.

Epistrophy was a
cozy, casual Italian joint that was jam-packed with people. Jay hadn’t made a
reservation, so we grabbed two seats at the bar and immediately began drinking
as the high of our afternoon slowly faded into the evening. I was ready for my
next high, so I sipped vodka gimlets until the pain of having to leave him in
twelve short hours became duller.

Jay and I had no
trouble making conversation since we were well rested, decidedly tipsy, and
well fed after sharing an antipasto plate. We kept on drinking, not mentioning
that we didn’t know when we might see one another again. Then out of the blue
came a commotion behind us.

        
“Jay
Conrad?” a girl's voice said loudly.

        
He
turned to look and appeared instantly put out. “Hi,” he said. And then he
turned his back to her.