What I Didn't Say (20 page)

I’d like to say Sam’s going to be in my future, but honestly I just can’t see that far.  I’m just hoping Sam is in my three month future, or even just the two week future.  Lately it feels like everything with Sam is a big question mark.

I shouldn’t complain.  At least she’s with me now.  I think. 

Guess that’s the problem though.  I don’t
know
.

The day of the party

18 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

I picked Sam up at four on Saturday.  The new house she was at wasn’t as nice as the last one.  Out of fear of a replay of what happened at the last house, she’d set up the motorhome a ways away from the house, running a long hose and extension cord into the trees where she was hidden away.  It would make it easier if she had to make a last minute escape again.

Sam looked tired when I picked her up.  Of course she looked tired all the time those days.

We drove out toward Olga in silence, as seemed usual for us when we were in the car.  But I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It felt like things had come to a stop, as if the two of us weren’t going to go beyond pecks and a few scattered hand holds at my house and occasionally at hers.  I had been pretending that it would be enough for me, that I could live with it, as long as Sam was part of my life in some way.

But I had to admit to myself that I wanted more.

The feeling of dead weight inside of me kept growing heavier and heavier as we made our way down the slow, winding roads.  I was suddenly dreading the party, even dreading spending time with Sam.  I just wanted to hunker down in my room and blast my ear buds too loud.

There were only a few places to park at the beach so it was pretty obvious we were only the second group to show up.  I saw Blake and two girls, one of them Norah, stacking wood on the beach to start the fire as I put the car into park.  Despite all their public fights, Norah and Blake were still together.

Sam and I both sat there, just staring out the window at nothing.  It felt like there was a big suffocating cloud filling the car that wouldn’t dissipate until one of us said something.

“Just say it, Jake,” Sam finally said, keeping her eyes glued forward.

I felt everything seize up inside of me, dread filling every corner of my body.  But I had to get it out, or it was going to kill me.

Grabbing our notebook from the back seat, I clicked a pen open.

What’s going on with us, Sam?
I wrote.  I tried to not let my hands shake, whether from frustration, anger, or fear, I wasn’t sure. 
What are we?
  I underlined the last sentence.

Samantha’s eyes stayed glued to the page for a long time, her jaw clenched tight.  I could feel the defensiveness building up in her.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Jake,” she said, turning her eyes forward again.  “I like you, I like being with you.  But you know how I feel about… about that L word.  So don’t expect me to proclaim my undying love for you.  I’ve got a lot to deal with these days and I’m sorry if I’m not paying enough attention to you or fawning all over you all day, every day.”

It would have been better if Samantha had raised her voice, if she had started getting mad.  But she didn’t.  She kept her voice calm and even, just a little too quiet.

She clenched her jaw once more, her gloved hands balling into fists.  Suddenly, without saying anything more, she climbed out of the car and shut the door behind her.

Great.
 

As if things hadn’t been bad and weird enough, I had just made them worse.

Seeing another half dozen cars pull up, I climbed out.  Rain, River, and Jordan pulled up in one car.  Carter and seven other people climbed out of his car.  Within about two minutes, pretty much the entire school piled out of various vehicles and flooded down toward the beach.

I hung back by the Bronco as I watched them go.  I suddenly envied them.  Their lives seemed so uncomplicated.  The biggest worry for most of them that day had probably been what to wear, or thinking of tactics to dodge snowballs.  I had a girlfriend, well, maybe-girlfriend, who was homeless and three words I wanted to say more than anything, but the person I wanted to say them to wouldn’t let me.  And I literally couldn’t say those three words.

Finally, as the sky started to grow dark, shadows dancing on the sand, I made my way down to the party.   Trying to pretend like I wasn’t really looking, I noticed Sam seated on a large log, talking with Summer and Marina.

It was stupid that I felt almost betrayed that she was talking to her old friends.  I didn’t want to be the jealous type of guy.  I should have been glad she was socializing.

Carter found me before too long, Rain having successfully engaged my sister in conversation.  Carter was moping too, River more into talking to some girl named Ashley than him.  I felt kind of bad for him.  It would seem fairer to tell him he wasn’t her “type” rather than to let him suffer.  The guy needed to move on.  But I had promised River I’d keep her secret.

So us loser guys sat by ourselves on a log by the fire, and Carter pretended to be interested in sign language and I taught him a few signs.

This sucks. 

When I pictured the party that night, I hadn’t imagined I’d be spending it with Carter, teaching him stuff I could barely manage to remember.

I kept catching Samantha’s eye from across the fire.  We were each pretending not to see one another, knowing it was a lie.  My pride wouldn’t let me feel sorry for her and hers wouldn’t let her do anything but pretend nothing had changed between the two of us.

Trying to ignore her, I watched my classmates around me.  I was impressed that I didn’t see one brown bottle or red plastic cup.  They’d taken that pledge seriously.  Here we were, nine weeks later, and they were sticking to it.  I hadn’t expected them to take it so seriously.

And they were still having a good time.  They were still laughing, throwing snow balls that were closer to slush and ice than snow.  They were still singing idiotic songs and doing stupid things.

But even that couldn’t cheer me up.

It was obvious this party was going to last half the night.  I debated leaving but then I’d have to figure out how Samantha was going to get home, or make her come with me.

Again, there was my pride.

So I just sat down in the sand, a ways back from the fire, by myself, and pulled my hood up over my head.  My butt was slowly getting wet, the melted snow in the sand soaking into my pants.  I didn’t care though.  I was trying not to care about anything then.

A few minutes later, a crunch in the sand from behind me caught my attention.  Considering that it was probably just some couple trying to sneak away from the crowd to make out, I just ignored it.  But then a pair of skinny legs settled on either side of me as someone sat on the log behind my back, and a pair of arms wrapped around my shoulders.

I didn’t have to look up to know it was Sam.

She pulled my hood down and pressed her cheek against mine, giving me a squeeze around my chest and shoulders.  I faintly detected the scent of kiwi coming from her lips.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.  Her lips brushed my cheek as she spoke.  “I was a really big jerk earlier.  What I said was really mean.”

I turned my head slightly, so I was looking at her face.  She really did look sorry, her eyes downfallen, more tired than usual.

“I have been pushing you away this whole time,” she said.  “When we’re at your house, I just feel… safe.  But when we’re at school, it just reminds me how fast my whole life could fall apart.  I’ve worked so hard these last few months and it could all crumble if anyone were to ever find out I’m only seventeen and living on my own.

“You’re a part of all that,” she said, her eyes growing serious.  She placed a hand on my cheek.  I placed my hand over hers.  “While I can’t say that word, the thought of letting you in, really letting you in, just to have you ripped away…” she trailed off, closing her eyes.  “If my own dad could walk away from me so easily, what’s to keep you from getting tired of me too?”

I turned so I was kneeling in front of her.  Her eyes still closed, I pressed my lips softly to hers. 

I’d been right earlier.  Kiwi.  I loved how her lips tasted different every time hers met mine.

I placed a hand on either side of her face.  Slowly, she let her eyes open.  Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my small notebook and a pen.

I’m not going anywhere,
I wrote. 
So don’t keep pushing me out.

A smile cracked in the corner of her mouth.  A small gleam came back into her eyes and she took my hands in hers.  “I’m sorry,” she said.  “I’ve never had a boyfriend before.  Guess I don’t really know how to treat one.”

The smile that spread on my face must have looked ridiculous.

Boyfriend.

I was Samantha Shay’s boyfriend.

I kissed her kiwi lips again before.  Holding my hand out, I caught her eye, testing her to see if she was really ready to do this.

She looked at me for a long moment, her smile faltering and strengthening.  I could see the fear in her eyes.  If we walked back to the party together, her hand in mine, it would change things again.  It wouldn’t just be us anymore.  It would be us and the whole island knowing there was an us.

It meant she had to take a risk.

The smile finally spreading to show her white teeth, she placed her hand in mine.  Our gloved fingers wrapped around each other.  And finally, our shoulders bumping in the dark, we walked back to the fire.

As soon as Carter saw the two of us walking toward everyone, he started clapping, his hands above his head, and gave a huge whoop.  Heads automatically turned, and more clapping and cheering broke out.  Norah just glared at the two of us.

A laugh bubbled out of Sam’s lips, her face instantly blushing as every face turned to us.

“Finally!” a few cheers rang out through the crowd.

Pressing my lips to Sam’s temple, I felt like maybe, just maybe, everything in the world was going to be okay.

15 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

I felt like I was in one of those cheesy teen romance movies, maybe one from the nineties, after that night on the beach.  After all the hardship and trial, the boy and the girl finally get together.  They move past the things that are fighting against them, and love conquers all.  Happily ever after.

After my accident I didn’t expect there to be a happily ever after for me.  I’d resolved with myself that life was just going to suck.  But there I was every day, walking through the halls holding hands with the most beautiful, and smartest girl in school.  I spent my afternoons wrapped in blankets with Samantha Shay, on my bed in my room, or in hers in the motorhome.  I spent chilly winter weekends walking around town like a tourist with her by my side.

The only thing that was missing from my happily ever after was the “I love you” part.  It sucked that she wouldn’t say it, and that she wouldn’t let me say it, but I knew I could wait.  Maybe forever if I had to.

The Monday before Christmas, I collapsed onto my bed after dinner.  Kali and I had been signing to each other most of the night, a lot of the family catching onto it as well since Kali was now living with us full time.  Flipping on the lamp next to my bed, I pulled the red notebook out of my backpack.

I’d left it with Sam after ASL, in hopes that she’d write another letter.  There were a few pieces of paper stuck to the spiral binding, like she’d ripped a page out that I wondered at, but I wasn’t let down.